NARCISISSM - Behaviours (Gaslighting, Triangulation, etc) and Definitions

HOW DO I KNOW IF SOMEONE IS A NARCISSIST?

Ladies come to this group and ask us if we can help them identify if their mother is indeed a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a Psychopath, or just someone with a Narcissistic Traits.

I've always made it our policy in this group to encourage members to get a confirmation from a therapist (or physician or other professional) that their mom (or other relative or friend) is definitely or is very likely what they think she is. There are other conditions, mood disorders and even medical conditions that can make a person seem like they have NPD. Some of our mothers may have BiPolar Mood Disorder, Asperger's, Autism spectrum, Borderline Personality Disorder, some kind of physical or medical issue or just a massive case of the Fleas (as we call people who have learned some behaviours because they were raised with Narcissistic Parents)...

These next few paragraphs I write are not from any specific sources, and are mostly from my memories, and could be flawed. I have read thousands of links and done a few years in therapy. The following is an interpretation of my way of understanding the difference between just displaying N Traits, the actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and the difference between those two things and Psychopathy.

Chances are if your mother is truly someone with NPD she will refuse to go to a therapist (unless she thinks it is to prove that her child is the one with the problem). However just because she won't get herself diagnosed, it doesn't mean you can't get a professional opinion from a therapist. I have done so myself. After several months of seeing my therapist and me describing the things my mother did during my childhood, I asked him what he thought was wrong with her. He said it sounded to him like she had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (although of course, he couldn't confirm this because she refused to come with me to see him! lol). But all the criteria fit. He initially said that he would be willing to meet with my mother. However, at one point later in our sessions, when I was telling him yet another thing she did in the past, he said that he would actually prefer it if she didn't come to any sessions! lol

Here is an email my therapist sent me regarding this: http://shadowsandreflectionsthedarkside.blogspot.ca/2008/09/wisdom-from-sensei.html

And here is an email another therapist sent me: http://shadowsandreflectionsthedarkside.blogspot.ca/2011/04/response-to-thread-from-pysch-forum.html

My therapist explained to me a little about the difference between NPD and a psychopath. A psychopath probably would actually offer to go to the therapist before you asked. Not for your benefit, but more for the reason that she/he might find new and interesting ways to manipulate a new plaything. Psychopaths prefer to play with humans and study them, with cold and detached interest, much like a human would study an ant or a frog in biology class. And by "play" I mean find ways to inflict pain, experiment with other people's emotions, etc. Psychopaths are very sneaky and masters of manipulation and deception, and can keep calm and keep their thoughts organized while they're bald-faced lying. They are unflappable. Because they've spent all their lives learning and observing when and how to "act" in certain situations, it might even be difficult for a therapist to catch right away. People with NPD do have some psychopathic traits sometimes, but a lot of the time they are so much more prone to tantrums, hysterics, and are typically more bound to be reactive, in a spontaneous and most unflattering, unfiltered manner, to the very first primitive behaviour that surfaces. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder act more like 3-year-olds in an adult's body. Psychopaths are MUCH more calculating and, from what I've heard from various sources, you get that shiver down your spine or the prickles in the back of your neck when you realize they are staring at you... They have this "deadness" to their eyes.

Now there are also people who are high on the spectrum of Narcissism: they are still high-functioning. They may occasionally slip up in social circles, but they aren't hell bent on self-sabotage like someone with a personality disorder. Some of these types even admit that they might be a pain to other people, but they will also admit that they don't care. There is HEALTHY Narcissism, but depending on how much of the N behaviour is displayed at any given time, these people with Narcissistic traits may just be irritating, but they do well in their jobs, and they have some good leadership skills. There are SOME good qualities with people who have a few Narcissistic Traits. But different people with different life skills and different walks of life may find less tolerant, while others are more on the "I can barely stand her/him, but at least he gets the job done."

People with the Narcissistic Personality disorder, I feel (although this is up in the air in various psychological/therapist circles), are more likely to act on emotion, less stable, more easily hurt, much more sporadic or impulsive and seem to be, as I mentioned, emotional infants. I personally don't know if these disordered people are unaware of what motivates them. I could definitely see if someone's mother was a psychopath that they would know what they were doing. I am very certain that my own mother has done things and known they were wrong, but she also rationalizes, changes her version of the truth/history, and routinely gaslights and claims she can't remember saying or doing something. My own therapist thought she was mostly disordered. He did say that some people with NPD can display some of the traits of a psychopath. So I guess this is one thing us ladies will have to figure out with our therapists, or guess on our own. And if the subject comes up, we might even have to agree to disagree.

And of course, there is what "they" (the DSM) calls "co-morbidity." That's a fancy word for having one condition, but also having another one or more combined or sharing characteristics with another/other personality or mood disorder.

Here are a few links that might help you figure which is which or what might be. But again, it's important that you hear confirmation from a professional before you decide to label a person with something they might not have. Having the wrong information about something like this could cause to you make life-changing decisions in error.

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Movies Featuring Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Narcissism
by Gail Meyers on Hubpages
http://gailmeyers.hubpages.com/hub/Movies-Featuring-NPD

20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist
by Susan Walsh on June 28, 2010 · 199 comments
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/06/28/relationshipstrategies/20-identifiable-traits-of-a-female-narcissist/


What Is Narcissism and Am I in a Relationship with a Narcissist?
 http://suite101.com/article/narcissistic-personalitiy---how-to-avoid-a-relationship-with-one-a348452


Narcissistic Personality Disorder
By Psych Central Staff
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx36.htm


Enough about you: My explanation of narcissism
Merrill Markoe
http://merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism


How to Recognize it and Move Forward
by Barbara from Sanctuary for the Abused
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.ca/2006/05/hoover-how-to-recognize-it-and-move.html


Top 100 Traits of Personality-Disordered Individuals
Out of the Fog
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html


Red Flag: Disrespect for Boundaries by Anna Valerious
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/2009/03/red-flag-disrespect-for-boundaries.html


The Narcissistic Mother
A Lightbulb Moment article by parishmiller
http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html


The Narcissistic Mother
Psych Forums
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic48207.html


Do You Have a Narcissistic Mother?
By gloriarubio278
http://gloriarubio278.hubpages.com/hub/Do-You-Have-a-Narcissistic-Mother


Narcissistic Mothers
by Cyndi Lopez from Psych Central
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/narcissistic-mothers/


Things Narcissistic Mothers and Narcissist's Say
Joanne O'Sullivan
http://ezinearticles.com/?Things-Narcissistic-Mothers-and-Narcissists-Say&id=6807466


Ongoing Guide to Having a Narcissistic Parent
from Therapy is Dandy.
http://therapyisdandy.com/2012/03/27/the-therapy-is-dandy-guidebook-to-having-a-narcissist-for-a-parent/


Deep Insights into Narcissistic Parents:
Going Behind Their Controlling Behavior and Mapping Out Its Long Term Consequences
  http://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/narcissistic-parents.html


The Aging Narcissistic Parent and the Role of the "Chosen Child"
Posted by evolution13
The "chosen" child is in a precarious situation: on one hand, they do not get the same level of wrath from the parent as the others do; however, the chosen child is also the brainwashed child that is the parent's servant.
http://childrenofnarcissists.blogspot.ca/2011/02/aging-narcissistic-parent-and-role-of.html 


What are Narcissistic Wounds?
http://franhorvath.hubpages.com/hub/What-are-narcissistic-wounds--and-what-are-their-implications-for-adult-behavior
 
Narcissism Understood: Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde - The personality disorder that destroys relationships, families and lives by Melanie Tonia Evans
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm
http://n-continuum.blogspot.ca/2010/01/narcissists-push-boundaries.html


Narcissists Push Boundaries
Sandra Brown
http://n-continuum.blogspot.ie/2010/01/narcissists-push-boundaries.html


Narcissistic Personality Disorder Diagnosis Dictionary (documented by Terri Hunt Krokovich)
Psychology Today
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
  
Difference between NPD and Psychopath
Psych Forums
http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/topic61136.html


Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Internet Mental Health
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe07.html


Narcissistic Personality Types
Psych Cents: What is a narcissist?
http://guiltedgirls.tripod.com/id22.html


7 Signs of Narcissistic Control-Freaks
By Ben
http://www.bulliesbegoneblog.com/2009/02/05/7-signs-of-narcissistic-control-freaks/


Things Narcissists Do
From: Light, Life, Love & Laughter after NPD Abuse
http://lifelightloveafternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/darkness/things-narcissists-do/


How a Narcissist Will Probably React To Being Questioned About Their Behavior: Cutting Ties with a Narcissist
http://joyfulalivewoman.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/how-your-abuser-may-react-to-being-questioned-about-their-behavior/


Narcissism Support Resources: Projection
http://narcissism-support.blogspot.ca/2009/01/projection-made-easy.html


The Swan and the Scorpion: Projection
http://www.narcissismfree.com/swan-and-scorpion.php


How a nNarcissist Uses Introjection and Projection
by David Elder
http://www.helium.com/items/1269517-introjection-and-projection-techniques-of-the-narcissist-npd-how-to-recognize-narcissistic-abuse


Stop Walking on Eggshells:
When someone in your life has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.
by Randi Kreger
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201201/lack-empathy-the-most-telling-narcissistic-trait


The Narcissist's Hoover Maneuver
Lisa E. Scott
http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/07/narcissists-hoover-maneuver


Trying to break free from someone who won’t let you go?
Light's Blog
http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/when-toxic-people-start-hoovering#axzz1tf9CKub6


Narcissist Grandparents
Anna Valerious
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/2007/09/narcissist-grandparents.html


The Narcissist as Grandparent by Nina
http://narcissisticparents.blogspot.ca/2008/03/narcissist-as-grandparent.html


Dealing with Narcissistic Grandparents: Forum
http://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/48u78-dealing-narcissistic-grandparents-total.html


Narcissistic Personality Disorder: How to Recognize Narcissism and Protect Your Mental Health
By Merely Me
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/143770/narcissistic?ic=6039


Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability
Melanie Tonia Evans
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/


The Games Narcissist Play Posted by Laura (an admin on another forum)
http://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=8838.0


Understanding Narcissism
Paul M. Floyd, M.Div., J.D. and Bruce Narramore, Ph.D.
http://lifecounsel.org/pub_floyd_understandingNarcissism.html


Communnicating with Narcissistic Personalities
Steve Becker, LCSW, CHT
http://powercommunicating.com/articles/Suggestions%20for%20Communicating%20with%20Narcissists.pdf

Narcissistic Traits and Relationship Dynamics
Developed by: Kent A Tompkins, LPC References from: The Narcissistic-borderline Couple by Joan Lachkar, Ph.D.
http://keres.meccahosting.com/~a00037ad/library/narcissism.pdf

HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple
By Shari Schreiber, M.A
http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

What is the difference between narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder?
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_difference_between_narcissistic_personality_disorder_and_borderline_personality_disorder


The Emotionally Abusive Personality: Is She a Borderline or a Narcissist?
Dr. Tara J. Palmatier
http://www.edmecka.com/blogs/the-emotionally-abusive-personality-is-she-a-borderline-or-a-narcissist.html


The Borderline and Narcissist Love Relationship
by Dr. Wendy
http://www.drwendyschwartz.com/Los-Angeles-Marriage-and-Family-Counseling/relationships-2/the-borderline-and-narcissist-love-relationship/


Marriage from Hell-Narcissistic Man Marries Borderline Personality Woman
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
http://www.wellsphere.com/mental-health-article/marriage-from-hell-narcissistic-man-marries-borderline-personality-woman/1313161

Borderline and Narcissistic Rage Posted by Olivia Carter
http://myemotionalvampire.blogspot.ca/2012/06/borderline-and-narcissistic-rage.html


Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life
Several essays from Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
-- Narcissistic Husband--Eating You Alive Psychologically
-- Covert Narcissists--Holier Than Thou Kind
-- Children of Narcissistic Mothers--Heal and Evolve
-- Claim Your Own Life--Goodbye to Your Narcissistic Mother
-- Narcissist is Loyal to No One but Himself
-- Narcissistic Smackdown---Destructive Narcissistic Rage
http://blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

and more...
I'm Not Done Yet

House of Mirrors:  A blog by Lisette
A look at the warped world of narcissism through literature, film, art, pop culture and personal experience
http://house-of-mirrors.blogspot.ca/

If you worry you are like your parents.....
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/discussions/messages/11596786  

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Other Personality Disorders:

Histrionic Personality Disorder
By Psych Central Staff
http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx17.htm

What Is Conversion Hysteria?
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-conversion-hysteria.htm

Personality disorders
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/DS00562/DSECTION=symptoms

Types of personality disorders
http://www.hamlet-trust.org.uk/articles/types-personality-disorders.html 

Q & A: Personality Disorders
http://susanlitton.com/personality-disorders/personality-disorders-answers.php

Problematic Emotional Response Patterns http://www.communitycounselingservices.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=517&cn=8


Think You’re All That? You Might Be Putting Your Health at Risk By Alice Park
http://healthland.time.com/2012/01/24/think-youre-all-that-you-might-be-putting-your-health-at-risk/


Personality disorders as disorganisation of attachment and affect regulation
Jaydip Sarkar and Gwen Adshead
http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/12/4/297.full

Melissa Arthur LCSW MA Histrionic Personality Disorder
http://www.health.am/psy/histrionic-personality-disorder/


Family Behavior Therapy for Antisocial and Narcissistic Personality Disorders in China: An Open Study Yongli Wang1, Meifang Zhu1, Jingyi Huang1, Wei He1, Shaohua Yu1, Rongrong Yu1, Shenfeng Tang2, Mowei Shen3, Wei Wang1,2,3
http://www.gjpsy.uni-goettingen.de/gjp-article-wang.pdf


Narcissism and the Meltdown
High Conflict Institute; co-founded by Bill Eddy, LCSW,
http://billeddyhighconflictinstitute.blogspot.ca/2008/10/narcissism-and-meltdown.html
http://n-continuum.blogspot.ca/2008/10/narcissism-and-meltdown.html


What is a Psychotic Break?
Powered by CTR
http://psychoticbreak.org/


Why do people rock back and forth?
In: ADD-ADHD, Human Behavior, Tourette's Syndrome
Various people chime in for several different reasons as to why they rock back and forth...
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Discuss:Why_do_people_rock_back_and_forth


Body-rocking, head-rolling and head-banging
If you’ve seen your young child body-rocking, head-rolling or head-banging, you know how disturbing this can be. But take heart – these behaviours rarely cause harm, and most children stop by 18 months.
By Raising Children Network
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/body-rocking,_head-rolling_and_head-banging.html
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Gaslighting:


Maneuvers of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder Mother: Gaslighting DONM, Forgive & Forget and Triangulation
authored and contributed by Gail Meyers
http://gailmeyers.hubpages.com/hub/When-Your-Mother-Has-Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder

Gaslighting
http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/gaslighting.html

What is Gaslighting?
A Form of Emotional Abuse Not Easily Recognized: by Lorne Cansler
http://lorne-cansler.suite101.com/gaslighting-a194877

The Sad Art of Gaslighting
Laurie Kendrick
http://lauriekendrick.wordpress.com/2008/07/03/the-sad-art-of-gaslighting/

Are you the Victim of Gaslighting?
by Sarah Treleaven
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/narcissist-victims-syndrome-survivors/discussions/messages/9148495

Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why
Psychology, Philosophy & Real Life: Dr George Simon, PhD
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/11/08/gaslighting/
(Contributed by: Brenda Rathier)

Lifton's Brainwashing Processes
See also: Robert Jay Lifton, Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, W.W. Norton & Co., Inc., 1963.
by Changing Minds.org
http://changingminds.org/techniques/conversion/lifton_brainwashing.htm
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Is My Child Behaving Like a Narcissist? Probably Not...

http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/html/kohlberg.htm - contributed by Kimberley Anne Thornton
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/etc/synopsis.html
http://www.angriesout.com/teach9.htm
http://www.circleofmoms.com/moms-with-school-age-kids/is-my-daughter-a-narcissist-and-if-so-what-can-i-do-to-change-this-behavior-654113
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110120054221AA9mx6H
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/is-my-teen-narcissistic-or-just-a-normal-self-centered-teenager
http://www.healthboards.com/boards/parenting-issues/770461-9-year-old-son-bipolar-narcissist.html
http://www.ehow.com/topic_7020_basics-emotions.html
http://www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Your-child/-/Development-and-learning/Teaching-kids-to-share.aspx
http://community.babycentre.co.uk/post/a14841515/so_self_centered_normal_4_year_old_or_typical_aspie
http://en.allexperts.com/q/Parenting-Teens-863/2009/1/uncooperative-self-centered-daughter.htm
http://www.disciplinehelp.com/parent/detail.cfm?behaviorID=52&title=The%20Immature&step=Behavior
http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=278279

But Just In Case:
http://www.sharecare.com/question/strategies-should-use-child-narcissist
http://www.cornerstonesforparents.com/help-self-centered-child
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sleeping-angels/201012/whose-fault-is-it-kids-are-so-self-centered
http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/25724/~/how-do-i-change-my-child%E2%80%99s-ungrateful,-self-centered-behavior%3F
http://www.circleofmoms.com/kids-aged-over-10yrs-old./my-11y-o-daughter-is-so-mean-and-disrespectful-help-517893
http://www.empoweringparents.com/Stop-the-Show-Putting-a-Lid-on-Your-Childs-Attention-seeking-Behavior.php
http://www.circleofmoms.com/moms-of-teenagers/bitchy-disrespectful-selfish-rude-15-year-old-daughter-651315

http://www.voicelessness.com/essay.html Voicelessness and Emotional Survival
The Essays by Richard A. Grossman, Ph.D.