A little about my drawings and me, I suppose... I'm afraid this whole Blog is a bit self-centred, and probably boring, but I guess it feels good to me because somewhere along the line I forgot about myself for a while. It took me a while to figure out exactly why. I've had some help along the way. My husband, for one, has supported me and helped me find myself. I've also been fortunate enough to have the opportunity for counseling. I have some wonderful friends and mentors who look out for me as well.
Some develop talents or skills to distract or disassociate themselves from stressful times and thoughts. Some examples are reading and writing, acting/drama, role playing, playing video games, walking, helping with charities, or some other activity that transports them out of real time. Some people do these activities for pleasure. Some people use them to relay something way down deep inside themselves that they would otherwise not be able to talk about. Their medium is what they use to communicate something deeper than just what is seen on the surface. That's why we have some actors who are 'okay,' and other actors who somehow reach us and make us feel what the character is feeling, because some deep part of that actor is connecting to a deep part of ourselves. It may not elicit the exact same thing as what the actor is feeling or thinking at the time, but something connects us to them that is not superficial. Something we might not have even known was there inside of us in the first place surfaces or pulls at our consciousness. Similar things occur with people communicating through writing, music, art or dance. Sometimes the watcher or the reader or the listener needs to pay extra attention to be feel something, other times that something sneaks up on them and hits them unexpectedly between the eyes.
For me, the medium I use is visual art. I started drawing at a very early age. According to my mom, I was about three. She said that when she was busy, she'd give me paper and pens, and that would occupy me for hours.
Then blah blah blah, whatever I try to write about my education and art seems to sound like a melo-drama, so I edited it out. Let us just say that perhaps one does not need to be educated through an institution to be an artist. Sometimes a person already is an artist and they just need to develop and find themselves, without someone else interfering and trying to force a person from a circle into a square. It's not so bad to be challenged and shown techniques and being stretched a bit outside of a comfort zone, or being shown history or the why and the how of things. It's healthy to be outside of oneself sometimes, of course, and not always be stuck in a vacuum or inside one's own head with one's own thoughts all the time. But my opinion is just that, my opinion. Your opinion is the same. You, who are supposed to be my guide and my mentor, do not make me feel inferior for having a different vision from you. Do not try to force me to defend my work when I feel so vulnerable about it. If I am too young and lack experience to fully explain what I have done or how I feel about something I have created, or do not understand what you want, I would hope your have some understanding and patience for me. I would be hurt and bewildered if you made me feel stupid for not being seasoned like yourself.
I will mention, that as it says in Joseph Campbell's The Portable Jung, I did tend to be compelled at times, for several hours at a time, to draw. In some cases I'd lose track of time or forget to eat. I could sit and draw until I start noticing cramping in my shoulder, perhaps 3-4 hours (moreso when I was a child). I read that this type of behaviour is sometimes indicative of an autonomous complex... From what I can tell, it is when the unconscious "invades" the conscious personality and influences it or causes the person to "be possessed" by it. This could explain why I sometimes cannot explain why I draw something, or what it means, but that I have an urge to draw it and that only when I am done with it, do I have some peace. I used to get these urges all the time when I was a child... I still get restless or feel something "pent up" inside me if I haven't been able to draw or paint for long periods of time.
Although I do at times feel compelled to draw and paint, it seems a lot more peaceful now. Not so much a compulsion, but still a beckoning or persuasion. And I don't confine an image in mind and produce it upon a surface like a snapshot anymore. I let something take shape in my mind, and it sometimes develops into something else. It has more of a growth cycle. It has more meaning. It feels more natural.
Nowadays, I think I draw or paint because I want to face my demons at times. Or other times, I just want to pull out the peace and beautiful things from my mind, or let them come out of me. Either way, I am confronting and trying to accept things about my deeper self, not just scratching the surface of my fantasies and using it as a form of escapism like I used to. Instead of just sipping at the morning dew I am diving into the dark well. Not everything is pretty and pleasing to the senses down there. My art used to be a device to get attention, praise, admiration. Now it is made for me, for myself. If it happens to be for you as well, then I guess it is meant to be. It is what it is. Perhaps something in what I painted pulls you down into yourself and you aren't even sure why it appeals to you or repels you. Sometimes even I do not fully understand what I painted. Before I start or during the painting, I have an idea about what I think it is going to be. I used to have more intent and planning about what a painting would end up like from beginning to end, but now I don't always hold myself to those restrictive blueprints. I could sit there for quite a while after I am finished my painting and analyze it and decide an image has a certain meaning to me. But I might come back after some time has passed and think, "No, I think it means something else now."
This site has even evolved. It used to be strictly private. It used to be about my dreams and nightmares. It used to be about the real meanings I had for my paintings. Now it is more about my parents and things that happened to me in my childhood.
It's a tool I use to help people who have had similar problems. It will help you identify, perhaps, if someone you are close to has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or whatever they are calling it these days). It will give you some idea of what to do, give you some resources and links to explore. It will comfort you that you are not alone. You are not the crazy one. Narcissistic people just tend to make normal people feel that way about themselves.
I have even tried, when possible, to show you that other people in your family can be affected by the same person you are. You can find strength together. Do not be afraid to assert boundaries. It may take some time, but hopefully by seeking and accepting help from people around you, you will survive this.
My main goal is to educate. I'm not about traumatizing or exploiting my own relatives/friends just for an interesting read on a blog. I won't sacrifice people I care about for 'good writing' and that means I sometimes cannot simply copy and paste their emails or Facebook messages into my blog without removing things that would easily identify them.
My way of looking at this situation is people like us will have more power over people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Psychopathy if we don't LET them manipulate us with fear, guilt, or whatever artful means they use to prevent us from telling the truth.
1 comment:
Like your blog .... Seems like there are things of use for me ....... Thank you x x
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