Lately mom has been lashing out and saying nasty things in a most heated manner about R (my youngest brother) and G (R's wife, my sister-in-law)... My husband and I just bite our tongues... If we say something it will be in defense of R and G...
Again, my mom doesn't think it's anything that she has done that is stopping R from talking to her...
She thinks it is all G's doing.
She thinks G is like my old boyfriend who wouldn't let me see my own family. G isn't like that at all.
R is the one who doesn't want to see my parents. G was just the person he needed to help him see what they are really like...
By the way my mother does/did have a spot of cancer which she told us about by yanking down the front of her shirt between her breasts... Quite appropriate when you have your mother over and everyone is in the livingroom including your husband and your middle brother. I am fairly certain it is the slowest kind possible, the safest and easiest to dispose of: Basal Cell Carcinoma. She applied cream to it while she was on vacation. She can't have been that badly affected by cancer, because who in their right mind would go to Florida for 2 weeks and apply cream to this skin condition if it was serious??? My husband had two large chunks of this type of cancer removed from his back. It was very painful as it had been left for a long time and a few layers had to be removed. My mom's looked like just a fingernail-sized. His were larger and more advanced.
Also who in their right mind would go to Florida when they are trying to sell a house, and trying to flip another house?
I called my mom after I passed my Max/TV training with an 86% and she didn't even make a peep about what a good job I did. Instead she bemoaned the fact that her renters were leaving, the guy who was doing the renovations on the house they were flipping was dragging his feet and apparently threatening them...
I said to her, she didn't have to put up with that, but apparently she does because they are so 'frugal' they won't pay someone proper money to not piss around and not work on other projects...
And of course I am sure everything my mother says is sane and comes across like a perfectly normal person and that's why everyone treats her like dirt and makes her life hell.
And a perfectly normal person wouldn't try to tie their shoes on someone's leather couch, right?
*sigh*
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
MAR 28 2010: THREE WISE ONES; (31 X 39")
MAR 28 2010: THREE WISE ONES; (31 X 39")
This painting took me almost a year to complete... Not so much because I took a long time painting it, but because other things were going on... I kept hearing it everyday calling to me, but I couldn't attend to the poor thing. I am so relieved I have completed it now...
Detail of the Three...
Detail: The Robin...
Detail: The Raven...
Detail: The Snowy Owl...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Cancer and Mother
My mom and dad have been getting their will done...
Every time she talks about the will she starts talking about R.
Apparently she said dad wrote R an email about them having cancer.
I told R and G about the time my mom told a renter of hers that she had cancer so he wouldn't yell at her. This was before she found out that a spot on her chest was, indeed, cancerous, sort of like David's cancer that he got on his back... She said it isn't Basal Cell Cancer, so I think it must be Squamous Cancer Cells because it also is not melanoma.
Anyway, they might think it is a trick.
But I haven't told mom that I told them about that incident with the renter.
Anyway now she wants to coach me on what I should say to them, and wants me to throw in stuff like 'you never know' and 'we could die from really bad cancer' and crap like that. She went on to say how R only listens to G because she probably threatens to leave him if he tries to make contact with my parents and how evil that is.
But of course she doesn't remember all the 'evil' stuff she said or did to G. Who else could make it painful enough to have nightmares when she comes to visit you? My mother.
I told her not to coach me on what to say.
I put my foot down.
Anyway, for reasons that seem logical to me, I am the Executor of the will. For now...
Every time she talks about the will she starts talking about R.
Apparently she said dad wrote R an email about them having cancer.
I told R and G about the time my mom told a renter of hers that she had cancer so he wouldn't yell at her. This was before she found out that a spot on her chest was, indeed, cancerous, sort of like David's cancer that he got on his back... She said it isn't Basal Cell Cancer, so I think it must be Squamous Cancer Cells because it also is not melanoma.
Anyway, they might think it is a trick.
But I haven't told mom that I told them about that incident with the renter.
Anyway now she wants to coach me on what I should say to them, and wants me to throw in stuff like 'you never know' and 'we could die from really bad cancer' and crap like that. She went on to say how R only listens to G because she probably threatens to leave him if he tries to make contact with my parents and how evil that is.
But of course she doesn't remember all the 'evil' stuff she said or did to G. Who else could make it painful enough to have nightmares when she comes to visit you? My mother.
I told her not to coach me on what to say.
I put my foot down.
Anyway, for reasons that seem logical to me, I am the Executor of the will. For now...
Friday, December 18, 2009
Nowadays: Dec 2009
My husband and I are doing well. He's got a new job, as the previous one was way too stressful. I'm not as stressed at my job lately a) because I spoke to our union and was told I have nothing to worry about, and b) because my old manager is moving to a different department and I will be working under someone else who other people I have spoken to seem to have higher regard for. We never speak of such things to my parents. My dad tells everything I say to my mom. And mom will try to interfere. She will not support my husband taking a risk and doing this. She will try to say he is being selfish, or ask if there is something wrong with him, or start some kind of campaign to find him a job.
We're going to have a little visit on Christmas Day with my parents, although one can only stand so much time with them before they start to get on your nerves... lol Most specifically my mom and brother, but what are you gonna do? My husband's mom still lives in Florida and we visited with her in September. We've spent Christmas down in Florida before but we're afraid if she comes here in December she'll freeze solid! lol When we were younger, we used to spend a lot more time around my parents... Perhaps it wasn't an abnormal amount of time, but nowadays it feels like if we spend more than a few hours my mom starts turning back into her old self and trying to exert control and exhibiting strange or irritating behaviour (consciously or unconsciously, it's hard to tell)...
My mom is strange, but I haven't gotten to the point yet that my youngest brother has where he doesn't talk to her (hasn't for over 5 years). I find him the closest-to-sane relative besides my husband. Even though we are about 900 km apart, he is still my closest blood relative. lol
On the other hand, my middle brother seems to be happy taking over the role of baby of the family (although I think he's always been crippled by mom's special attention and lack of discipline - even if he is a bit unusual himself to deal with), and lets mom and dad buy him groceries, buy him a car and maintain it, and allow him to come to their house whenever he wants to use the computer, watch TV or eat their food... I am not sure who is really at an advantage in that relationship, as it seems unhealthy to me on either end.
My middle brother Chris lives at his home like it was a hovel, if he lived in a warmer climate it would likely be infested by cockroaches and mice. He's gotten intestinal illnesses more than once, living in the conditions he does, and he refuses to take prescription medication of any kind, even for his asthma. He is a bit dotty I am afraid. And he wonders and laments, when he lives the way he does, why no girl wants to stay with him for any long period of time except perhaps if they want to use him in some respect. He hasn't been able to hold down a job more than perhaps 3 months average - but probably because mom and dad will help him out no matter what, he doesn't hesitate and feels it is healthy for him to quit. He is a chef, which he loves, but no matter which job he has it's always someone's fault for him leaving that job.
Where do I fit in? I'm sort of available to my parents, but not on their terms. I have been influenced by my mother like my middle brother before, and I don't want to be at that disadvantage anymore. However, I guess because I kind of understand my mother doesn't mean to be a narcissistic and manipulative woman, and that she is kind of a product of her upbringing and past experience, I can't quite tear myself away from a relationship, although at one point in my life there was about 3 years where I didn't speak to her. So we have boundaries, which we maintain, because my mom has issues with boundaries. We don't tell her stressful events that are going on in our lives, we don't let her know about major decisions we are contemplating and we certainly don't pass messages between her and my youngest brother. They are at least managing to maintain some sort of communication, although somewhat stilted, via email. My dad, poor thing, is a bit of a wimp. Also a product of his upbringing. Mother has him wrapped around her little finger. She has said or done things that I don't think sane people (such as myself or my youngest brother) should be supported. But yet my dad is supportive of her. He won't stick up for his children. My guess he is as afraid of her as we are sometimes, that perhaps she will leave him, or if he gets ill in his old age, she will stuff him in an old folk's home or something.
As it is, we are going to Christmas Mass on Dec 24th with them, and then going home (to our house). Then on Dec 25th (yes I have that day off) we are going to come over for a bit to my parents and have Christmas Dinner (it was at our place last year). We'll play it a bit by ear, but judging from a week ago, there is some sort of tension (again) between my middle brother and my mom, so as in Christmases in the past, methinks we might have a bit of a blowout this time.
I am bringing some desserts over (the ones in the Notes I mentioned on Facebook), and I am helping out with the veggies. We have an awesome family recipe from my late gramma (mom's mom) for stuffing, so we are going to have that and mom's turkey. Veggies will probably entail mashed potatoes, gravy, brussel sprouts, peas and carrots, and possibly some others, but those are usually the norm unless I am making the veggies. If I am then there will likely be yams or sweet potatoes with some brown sugar or maple syrup in them.
D (my husband) and I both have Christmas Day off, and Boxing Day is a stat, but I work it this year. It's been a stressful few months with both our jobs, but now that D has a new job at some point we'll let my family know. Not really in a hurry to divulge anything, but as long as we didn't tell my mom he was looking for a job, we wouldn't be barraged by countless phone calls and talks and advice about which jobs he should look for and such and someone she would know who might hire him etc... There is nothing more annoying then someone who thinks she knows everything and her getting mad at you because she's 'trying to help' but her 'help' isn't appreciated. lol
So I will take a deep breath and cross my fingers and see how things go, but when you lower your expectations enough, then you won't be disappointed, right? lol
We're going to have a little visit on Christmas Day with my parents, although one can only stand so much time with them before they start to get on your nerves... lol Most specifically my mom and brother, but what are you gonna do? My husband's mom still lives in Florida and we visited with her in September. We've spent Christmas down in Florida before but we're afraid if she comes here in December she'll freeze solid! lol When we were younger, we used to spend a lot more time around my parents... Perhaps it wasn't an abnormal amount of time, but nowadays it feels like if we spend more than a few hours my mom starts turning back into her old self and trying to exert control and exhibiting strange or irritating behaviour (consciously or unconsciously, it's hard to tell)...
My mom is strange, but I haven't gotten to the point yet that my youngest brother has where he doesn't talk to her (hasn't for over 5 years). I find him the closest-to-sane relative besides my husband. Even though we are about 900 km apart, he is still my closest blood relative. lol
On the other hand, my middle brother seems to be happy taking over the role of baby of the family (although I think he's always been crippled by mom's special attention and lack of discipline - even if he is a bit unusual himself to deal with), and lets mom and dad buy him groceries, buy him a car and maintain it, and allow him to come to their house whenever he wants to use the computer, watch TV or eat their food... I am not sure who is really at an advantage in that relationship, as it seems unhealthy to me on either end.
My middle brother Chris lives at his home like it was a hovel, if he lived in a warmer climate it would likely be infested by cockroaches and mice. He's gotten intestinal illnesses more than once, living in the conditions he does, and he refuses to take prescription medication of any kind, even for his asthma. He is a bit dotty I am afraid. And he wonders and laments, when he lives the way he does, why no girl wants to stay with him for any long period of time except perhaps if they want to use him in some respect. He hasn't been able to hold down a job more than perhaps 3 months average - but probably because mom and dad will help him out no matter what, he doesn't hesitate and feels it is healthy for him to quit. He is a chef, which he loves, but no matter which job he has it's always someone's fault for him leaving that job.
Where do I fit in? I'm sort of available to my parents, but not on their terms. I have been influenced by my mother like my middle brother before, and I don't want to be at that disadvantage anymore. However, I guess because I kind of understand my mother doesn't mean to be a narcissistic and manipulative woman, and that she is kind of a product of her upbringing and past experience, I can't quite tear myself away from a relationship, although at one point in my life there was about 3 years where I didn't speak to her. So we have boundaries, which we maintain, because my mom has issues with boundaries. We don't tell her stressful events that are going on in our lives, we don't let her know about major decisions we are contemplating and we certainly don't pass messages between her and my youngest brother. They are at least managing to maintain some sort of communication, although somewhat stilted, via email. My dad, poor thing, is a bit of a wimp. Also a product of his upbringing. Mother has him wrapped around her little finger. She has said or done things that I don't think sane people (such as myself or my youngest brother) should be supported. But yet my dad is supportive of her. He won't stick up for his children. My guess he is as afraid of her as we are sometimes, that perhaps she will leave him, or if he gets ill in his old age, she will stuff him in an old folk's home or something.
As it is, we are going to Christmas Mass on Dec 24th with them, and then going home (to our house). Then on Dec 25th (yes I have that day off) we are going to come over for a bit to my parents and have Christmas Dinner (it was at our place last year). We'll play it a bit by ear, but judging from a week ago, there is some sort of tension (again) between my middle brother and my mom, so as in Christmases in the past, methinks we might have a bit of a blowout this time.
I am bringing some desserts over (the ones in the Notes I mentioned on Facebook), and I am helping out with the veggies. We have an awesome family recipe from my late gramma (mom's mom) for stuffing, so we are going to have that and mom's turkey. Veggies will probably entail mashed potatoes, gravy, brussel sprouts, peas and carrots, and possibly some others, but those are usually the norm unless I am making the veggies. If I am then there will likely be yams or sweet potatoes with some brown sugar or maple syrup in them.
D (my husband) and I both have Christmas Day off, and Boxing Day is a stat, but I work it this year. It's been a stressful few months with both our jobs, but now that D has a new job at some point we'll let my family know. Not really in a hurry to divulge anything, but as long as we didn't tell my mom he was looking for a job, we wouldn't be barraged by countless phone calls and talks and advice about which jobs he should look for and such and someone she would know who might hire him etc... There is nothing more annoying then someone who thinks she knows everything and her getting mad at you because she's 'trying to help' but her 'help' isn't appreciated. lol
So I will take a deep breath and cross my fingers and see how things go, but when you lower your expectations enough, then you won't be disappointed, right? lol
Sunday, July 26, 2009
WHITE MARE -- JULY 5 2009: Acrylic & Gesso, Canvas (20"X20")
I love how this reminds me of a constellation. It is an image I've had in my mind a long time.
I think when my cousin, W, was molesting me, some part of me went somewhere else... This is my tribute to that part of me that protected me, at least during that time those things were happening to me... My mind which took me away and shielded me from fully experiencing a lot of what happened to me.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Borderline Personality Disorder - Compassion for the Narcissist?
Taken from an article online:
By A.J. Mahari Consumer: Borderline Personality Disorder Borderline Personality.org
A.J. Mahari, of Canada, is professional freelance writer who is a survivor of sexual abuse, and a person who has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Narcissists are in pain. Their humanity must be recognized.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it as monstrous. No one is the sum total of any diagnosis.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it along with others with varying degrees of narcissism as monstrous people without worth. Rarely, in life, is the sum total of any human being with a personality disorder or not that simple or that black and white.
Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is isolating, disenfranchising, painful, and formidable for those diagnosed with it and often those who know them. Distinctions need to be made between those who have NPD because not each and every person with NPD is the same. Even with similar core issues the way in which one’s individual narcissism manifests itself in his or her relationships varies.
There is an irrefutable truth that many who have NPD are abusive. However, not all with NPD are abusive. Amongst those with NPD who are abusive the form and severity that their abuse takes will vary from individual to individual.
Chief among the traits that define Narcissistic Personality Disorder are what is described as a lack of empathy and a lack of compassion – not to be confused with the lack of conscience seen in the most severe form of narcissism within NPD – The Malignant Narcissism Syndrome (Kernberg 1992 – according to “The Handbook of Personality Disorders – Theory and Practice,” edited by Jeffery J. Magnavita - Pg 100) and that is most notably a feature in those diagnosed as having a psychopathic personality known as Antisocial Personality Disorder(APD). NPD and APD are not one in the same.
According to Wikipedia “Otto Kernberg described malignant narcissism as a syndrome characterized by a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial features, paranoid traits, and ego-syntonic aggression. Some also may find an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and a sense of importance (grandiosity). … Malignant narcissism is considered part of the spectrum of pathological narcissism, which ranges from the Cleckley's antisocial character (today's psychopath) at the high end of severity, to malignant narcissism, to NPD at the low end.”
Most with NPD struggle to understand the experience of others because they are too involved in their own inner experience. An inner experience that is then projected out onto others in ways that leave others being treated as mere extensions of the narcissist who needs to have reflected back his or her own image of self. When this image of self is reflected back in ways that enhance how the narcissist feels about him/herself, all is well. This, for the narcissist is the experience of the gratification of narcissistic supply.
The person with NPD cannot really see others separately from the way he/she experiences the world from his or her point of view only. Most everything is experienced as being about them, some extension of them, or as thwarting their wants and/or needs.
What is the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder? What does the false self mean? To read more in answer to these two questions please check out my ebook, The Shadows and Echoes of Self- The False Self Born Out of the Core Wound of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder.
Those with NPD are blinded to the external unfolding experience of others in relation to them. They are lacking in self-awareness, often, of how others experience them. Narcissists live their lives from the inside and do not have a very flexible or evident insight into what the difference is between their image of themselves versus who they really are (as seen and defined by others) and who they hold themselves out to be.
Narcissists, often, tremendously lack insight and awareness into themselves because they cannot see past this created, exaggerated and aggrandized image of self that is incongruent with who they really are and how others experience them. Trying to feedback to those with NPD about their actions, or behavior and so forth can be very frustrating because it is too painful for the narcissist to look behind the reflection of aggrandized self that they must have mirrored back to them in order to psychologically survive. The narcissist’s grandiosity is a defense against profound psychological pain.
The narcissist’s self-focus, along with his or her constant taking as they reel in this much-needed supply that buffs up and sustains their (albeit illusionary) image of grandiose and special self, interferes in this or her ability to share in the mutuality and/or reciprocity needed for healthier relating.
Those with NPD, while often described as stuck on themselves, or as full of themselves, truly are lost to themselves. Unlike those with BPD who have no sense of an actual known self and whose core wound of abandonment results in a lost self – those with NPD experience an emotional arrest at an earlier stage of early childhood development than do those with BPD (Masterson) that results in a image of a self that is held to perfection in a way that excludes the reality of the narcissist’s pain. Anything that contradicts the image of perfection threatens his or her psychological survival and is much too painful and threatening to even acknowledge.
Being on the other side of a narcissist can be very painful and frustrating. Relationships with most with NPD are usually not very satisfying or rewarding, emotionally, for those who are non-personality disordered.
Most people, who have been in, or are in, a relationship with someone with NPD feel very lonely and often invisible. Those who have NPD are not emotionally available and this is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with for others.
The reality that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder or in some cases, both personality disorders, does not and should not excuse their abusive behavior in any way. The challenge for the personality disordered is to learn how to take personal responsibility. Often those with NPD and/or BPD will put the responsibility for their poor, disrespectful, or abusive behavior onto those they are relating to. Do not accept this responsibility. To do so is painful and crazy-making and only gives permission to the personality-disordered to continue to treat you the way they do and to blame you for it or try to have you believe that their behavior results from what you do or don't do - this is not true.
It is important to have compassion for those who have NPD. They are not all monsters, nor do they all behave in monstrous ways. If you are in tremendous emotional pain you may need to find ways to emotionally detach whether you stay in the relationship or not.
With healthy emotional detachment, and even when we have to remove ourselves from the abuse of a narcissist, how can we say that we are any different from a narcissist if we do not have empathy and compassion for those diagnosed with NPD?
How can we criticize what those with NPD are not able to share or do, if we ourselves aren’t prepared to share what we are actually capable of?
Having compassion for a narcissist doesn't mean, however, sadly enough in many cases, that we can stay connected to the narcissist or actively share that compassion with the person with NPD. The best we can do is to recognize that not all things that those with NPD do, are done with malice. Those in relationships with those with NPD and/or who have been abused by someone with NPD need to take care of themselves. Having compassion for the narcissist doesn't mean staying in the relationship.
Compassion, like forgiveness, are gifts that you truly give to yourself as much as to anyone with NPD. Actively being aware of both will help you heal and will set you free from any and all painful entanglement with someone with NPD.
By A.J. Mahari Consumer: Borderline Personality Disorder Borderline Personality.org
A.J. Mahari, of Canada, is professional freelance writer who is a survivor of sexual abuse, and a person who has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Narcissists are in pain. Their humanity must be recognized.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it as monstrous. No one is the sum total of any diagnosis.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it along with others with varying degrees of narcissism as monstrous people without worth. Rarely, in life, is the sum total of any human being with a personality disorder or not that simple or that black and white.
Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is isolating, disenfranchising, painful, and formidable for those diagnosed with it and often those who know them. Distinctions need to be made between those who have NPD because not each and every person with NPD is the same. Even with similar core issues the way in which one’s individual narcissism manifests itself in his or her relationships varies.
There is an irrefutable truth that many who have NPD are abusive. However, not all with NPD are abusive. Amongst those with NPD who are abusive the form and severity that their abuse takes will vary from individual to individual.
Chief among the traits that define Narcissistic Personality Disorder are what is described as a lack of empathy and a lack of compassion – not to be confused with the lack of conscience seen in the most severe form of narcissism within NPD – The Malignant Narcissism Syndrome (Kernberg 1992 – according to “The Handbook of Personality Disorders – Theory and Practice,” edited by Jeffery J. Magnavita - Pg 100) and that is most notably a feature in those diagnosed as having a psychopathic personality known as Antisocial Personality Disorder(APD). NPD and APD are not one in the same.
According to Wikipedia “Otto Kernberg described malignant narcissism as a syndrome characterized by a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial features, paranoid traits, and ego-syntonic aggression. Some also may find an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and a sense of importance (grandiosity). … Malignant narcissism is considered part of the spectrum of pathological narcissism, which ranges from the Cleckley's antisocial character (today's psychopath) at the high end of severity, to malignant narcissism, to NPD at the low end.”
Most with NPD struggle to understand the experience of others because they are too involved in their own inner experience. An inner experience that is then projected out onto others in ways that leave others being treated as mere extensions of the narcissist who needs to have reflected back his or her own image of self. When this image of self is reflected back in ways that enhance how the narcissist feels about him/herself, all is well. This, for the narcissist is the experience of the gratification of narcissistic supply.
The person with NPD cannot really see others separately from the way he/she experiences the world from his or her point of view only. Most everything is experienced as being about them, some extension of them, or as thwarting their wants and/or needs.
What is the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder? What does the false self mean? To read more in answer to these two questions please check out my ebook, The Shadows and Echoes of Self- The False Self Born Out of the Core Wound of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder.
Those with NPD are blinded to the external unfolding experience of others in relation to them. They are lacking in self-awareness, often, of how others experience them. Narcissists live their lives from the inside and do not have a very flexible or evident insight into what the difference is between their image of themselves versus who they really are (as seen and defined by others) and who they hold themselves out to be.
Narcissists, often, tremendously lack insight and awareness into themselves because they cannot see past this created, exaggerated and aggrandized image of self that is incongruent with who they really are and how others experience them. Trying to feedback to those with NPD about their actions, or behavior and so forth can be very frustrating because it is too painful for the narcissist to look behind the reflection of aggrandized self that they must have mirrored back to them in order to psychologically survive. The narcissist’s grandiosity is a defense against profound psychological pain.
The narcissist’s self-focus, along with his or her constant taking as they reel in this much-needed supply that buffs up and sustains their (albeit illusionary) image of grandiose and special self, interferes in this or her ability to share in the mutuality and/or reciprocity needed for healthier relating.
Those with NPD, while often described as stuck on themselves, or as full of themselves, truly are lost to themselves. Unlike those with BPD who have no sense of an actual known self and whose core wound of abandonment results in a lost self – those with NPD experience an emotional arrest at an earlier stage of early childhood development than do those with BPD (Masterson) that results in a image of a self that is held to perfection in a way that excludes the reality of the narcissist’s pain. Anything that contradicts the image of perfection threatens his or her psychological survival and is much too painful and threatening to even acknowledge.
Being on the other side of a narcissist can be very painful and frustrating. Relationships with most with NPD are usually not very satisfying or rewarding, emotionally, for those who are non-personality disordered.
Most people, who have been in, or are in, a relationship with someone with NPD feel very lonely and often invisible. Those who have NPD are not emotionally available and this is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with for others.
The reality that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder or in some cases, both personality disorders, does not and should not excuse their abusive behavior in any way. The challenge for the personality disordered is to learn how to take personal responsibility. Often those with NPD and/or BPD will put the responsibility for their poor, disrespectful, or abusive behavior onto those they are relating to. Do not accept this responsibility. To do so is painful and crazy-making and only gives permission to the personality-disordered to continue to treat you the way they do and to blame you for it or try to have you believe that their behavior results from what you do or don't do - this is not true.
It is important to have compassion for those who have NPD. They are not all monsters, nor do they all behave in monstrous ways. If you are in tremendous emotional pain you may need to find ways to emotionally detach whether you stay in the relationship or not.
With healthy emotional detachment, and even when we have to remove ourselves from the abuse of a narcissist, how can we say that we are any different from a narcissist if we do not have empathy and compassion for those diagnosed with NPD?
How can we criticize what those with NPD are not able to share or do, if we ourselves aren’t prepared to share what we are actually capable of?
Having compassion for a narcissist doesn't mean, however, sadly enough in many cases, that we can stay connected to the narcissist or actively share that compassion with the person with NPD. The best we can do is to recognize that not all things that those with NPD do, are done with malice. Those in relationships with those with NPD and/or who have been abused by someone with NPD need to take care of themselves. Having compassion for the narcissist doesn't mean staying in the relationship.
Compassion, like forgiveness, are gifts that you truly give to yourself as much as to anyone with NPD. Actively being aware of both will help you heal and will set you free from any and all painful entanglement with someone with NPD.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Mom and Dad
I mixed some text from this website: http://ezinearticles.com/?Perfect-Match---The-Narcissist-Marries-a-Borderline-Personality&id=1351464 with some of my own notes to get a better grip on our family's dynamic.
When a narcissist (mother) chooses a marital partner, she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow her lead in every aspect of life. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from her partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should her faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder (dad). These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The Narcissist is the master; the Borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of her borderline spouse that he an be disposed of precipitously.
For example, in my father's case, he thinks he is doomed to get Alzheimer's like his own dad. He has said that he has to look after mom now, because later in life he is sure she will have to look after him. And it probably didn't help when his father started succumbing to Alzheimer's that everyone seemed glad and that they were waiting impatiently for his death, and left him, in the end, at the hospital. This is kind of sad, to think that my dad thinks that because he might become a burden later, he has to be a servant to pay for it now. I think my dad fears he will be left to rot in a hospital bed, despised by his entire family. But he is NOT his father.
I also think, like me at one time, he thinks he's losing his mind because she does that little trick where she changes the details of an event or says that how he remembers it wasn't how it happened, etc. She is gaslighting. So Dad is really sane, but Mom makes him doubt that..
The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. I have done this before as well, with mother to some extent and then to some unsavoury boyfriends. I tell you I am lucky to have survived long enough to meet my husband, D. He is my hero! 8) This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic. Which annoyed my mother to no end: she kept telling me not to take on everyone's pain and not to worry so much about other people's lives.
My dad's father was very very hard on his children and wife. He was a drill sargeant even when he wasn't away at war. He was either absent or he was a fist coming down on his family. The years we visited them, when I was a child, I seem to remember some of my grandfather's behaviours and, upon reflection, I believe my dad's father had a Narcissist PD. So perhaps my grandmother had BPD, because she was very meek and did whatever she was told, and seemed to be thought of as the one you go to for comfort, the one who looked after everyone lovingly. I believe my father felt anger towards his father and put his mom on a pedestal. In the end, neither of my dad's parents could offer the love that a child needs, let alone his eight brothers and sisters. He appears to have suffered the same fate that we, his children have. But the roles are reversed. Mom is the Narcissist and he is the BPD.
I also strongly believe that my mother appeared to him as a meek BPD (and very well may have been at one time)... She was emotionally abused and affected as well by a Narcissistic parent. I think, in her case, it might have been my mom's mother. She was always trying to get attention in a negative manner. She would exhaust herself by cooking elaborate meals for instance and then try to get more attention by berating herself for overcooking something or making something taste bland. She was also a very depressed individual, and seemed to worry about everyone all the time, but also what others thought of her. It's hard to say. Grampa, on the other hand, was a self-educated man, proud of what he had accomplished. He was a janitor, but he wasn't meek. He was a very generous person who helped people, etc, and I remember fondly that he could beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit, hands down. If anything he was a fairly stable individual, or at least appeared to be. Because my mother said her father beat her with a vacuum cord once. And from what my mom has told me about her childhood, she was always trying to be good, followed the rules of the house, and didn't act permiscously etc, so I am not sure what could have precipitated a beating like that, perhaps other than grades. So it could have been Grampa who had NPD. Mind you, from what I have read, BPD do also possibly have psychotic episodes if pushed to the brink, so there could have been a lot of things going on. For instance, perhaps our alcoholic aunt, his daughter Maria, was out of control and perhaps because our other aunt, their daughter Gina, left home at 16 years of age and married so young (possibly because of being unwed & pregnant with my cousin N)... I still get from the consistancy of their behaviour, that Gramma MAY have had NPD and Grampa MAY have had BPD or at least Gramma suffered from some sort of depression. It could have been the other way around completely, for all I know.
The interesting thing was, in our family, I was the one who always tried to be good, although in my adolescence my grades and academic performance weren't all that great either. I was usually discouraged from doing anything really good because that, of course, would be showing up or showing off in front of C (middle brother) and be something that broke his heart and made him feel awful about himself. And, like mom, since I was the only one left around to punish, that's probably why she always seemed to enjoy picking on me. The whole house was out of control: C (middle brother) didn't stick to the rules and if things got too pressurized he just left the house. R (my youngest brother) and her argued about R's health (he had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I imagine since C's behaviour seemed completely out of control (partially her own doing, as she would set rules for him and constantly let them slid when he disobeyed because she felt he 'didn't understand'), so she had to turn to something else. Of course, R's (my youngest brother) health & sleeping pattern was not something controllable either.
But back to mom & dad's marriage...
This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.
Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological problems as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and depression.
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has been interviewed on numerous radio talk shows throughout the country.
Visit her website at: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Martinez-Lewi_Ph.D.
When a narcissist (mother) chooses a marital partner, she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow her lead in every aspect of life. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from her partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should her faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder (dad). These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The Narcissist is the master; the Borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of her borderline spouse that he an be disposed of precipitously.
For example, in my father's case, he thinks he is doomed to get Alzheimer's like his own dad. He has said that he has to look after mom now, because later in life he is sure she will have to look after him. And it probably didn't help when his father started succumbing to Alzheimer's that everyone seemed glad and that they were waiting impatiently for his death, and left him, in the end, at the hospital. This is kind of sad, to think that my dad thinks that because he might become a burden later, he has to be a servant to pay for it now. I think my dad fears he will be left to rot in a hospital bed, despised by his entire family. But he is NOT his father.
I also think, like me at one time, he thinks he's losing his mind because she does that little trick where she changes the details of an event or says that how he remembers it wasn't how it happened, etc. She is gaslighting. So Dad is really sane, but Mom makes him doubt that..
The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. I have done this before as well, with mother to some extent and then to some unsavoury boyfriends. I tell you I am lucky to have survived long enough to meet my husband, D. He is my hero! 8) This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic. Which annoyed my mother to no end: she kept telling me not to take on everyone's pain and not to worry so much about other people's lives.
My dad's father was very very hard on his children and wife. He was a drill sargeant even when he wasn't away at war. He was either absent or he was a fist coming down on his family. The years we visited them, when I was a child, I seem to remember some of my grandfather's behaviours and, upon reflection, I believe my dad's father had a Narcissist PD. So perhaps my grandmother had BPD, because she was very meek and did whatever she was told, and seemed to be thought of as the one you go to for comfort, the one who looked after everyone lovingly. I believe my father felt anger towards his father and put his mom on a pedestal. In the end, neither of my dad's parents could offer the love that a child needs, let alone his eight brothers and sisters. He appears to have suffered the same fate that we, his children have. But the roles are reversed. Mom is the Narcissist and he is the BPD.
I also strongly believe that my mother appeared to him as a meek BPD (and very well may have been at one time)... She was emotionally abused and affected as well by a Narcissistic parent. I think, in her case, it might have been my mom's mother. She was always trying to get attention in a negative manner. She would exhaust herself by cooking elaborate meals for instance and then try to get more attention by berating herself for overcooking something or making something taste bland. She was also a very depressed individual, and seemed to worry about everyone all the time, but also what others thought of her. It's hard to say. Grampa, on the other hand, was a self-educated man, proud of what he had accomplished. He was a janitor, but he wasn't meek. He was a very generous person who helped people, etc, and I remember fondly that he could beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit, hands down. If anything he was a fairly stable individual, or at least appeared to be. Because my mother said her father beat her with a vacuum cord once. And from what my mom has told me about her childhood, she was always trying to be good, followed the rules of the house, and didn't act permiscously etc, so I am not sure what could have precipitated a beating like that, perhaps other than grades. So it could have been Grampa who had NPD. Mind you, from what I have read, BPD do also possibly have psychotic episodes if pushed to the brink, so there could have been a lot of things going on. For instance, perhaps our alcoholic aunt, his daughter Maria, was out of control and perhaps because our other aunt, their daughter Gina, left home at 16 years of age and married so young (possibly because of being unwed & pregnant with my cousin N)... I still get from the consistancy of their behaviour, that Gramma MAY have had NPD and Grampa MAY have had BPD or at least Gramma suffered from some sort of depression. It could have been the other way around completely, for all I know.
The interesting thing was, in our family, I was the one who always tried to be good, although in my adolescence my grades and academic performance weren't all that great either. I was usually discouraged from doing anything really good because that, of course, would be showing up or showing off in front of C (middle brother) and be something that broke his heart and made him feel awful about himself. And, like mom, since I was the only one left around to punish, that's probably why she always seemed to enjoy picking on me. The whole house was out of control: C (middle brother) didn't stick to the rules and if things got too pressurized he just left the house. R (my youngest brother) and her argued about R's health (he had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I imagine since C's behaviour seemed completely out of control (partially her own doing, as she would set rules for him and constantly let them slid when he disobeyed because she felt he 'didn't understand'), so she had to turn to something else. Of course, R's (my youngest brother) health & sleeping pattern was not something controllable either.
But back to mom & dad's marriage...
This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.
Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological problems as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and depression.
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has been interviewed on numerous radio talk shows throughout the country.
Visit her website at: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Martinez-Lewi_Ph.D.
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