Mom and Dad

I mixed some text from this website: http://ezinearticles.com/?Perfect-Match---The-Narcissist-Marries-a-Borderline-Personality&id=1351464 with some of my own notes to get a better grip on our family's dynamic.

When a narcissist (mother) chooses a marital partner, she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow her lead in every aspect of life. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from her partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should her faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder (dad). These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The Narcissist is the master; the Borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of her borderline spouse that he an be disposed of precipitously. 


For example, in my father's case, he thinks he is doomed to get Alzheimer's like his own dad. He has said that he has to look after mom now, because later in life he is sure she will have to look after him. And it probably didn't help when his father started succumbing to Alzheimer's that everyone seemed glad and that they were waiting impatiently for his death, and left him, in the end, at the hospital. This is kind of sad, to think that my dad thinks that because he might become a burden later, he has to be a servant to pay for it now. I think my dad fears he will be left to rot in a hospital bed, despised by his entire family. But he is NOT his father.

I also think, like me at one time, he thinks he's losing his mind because she does that little trick where she changes the details of an event or says that how he remembers it wasn't how it happened, etc.  She is gaslighting.  So Dad is really sane, but Mom makes him doubt that..

The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. I have done this before as well, with mother to some extent and then to some unsavoury boyfriends.  I tell you I am lucky to have survived long enough to meet my husband, D.  He is my hero!  8) This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic. Which annoyed my mother to no end: she kept telling me not to take on everyone's pain and not to worry so much about other people's lives.

My dad's father was very very hard on his children and wife. He was a drill sargeant even when he wasn't away at war. He was either absent or he was a fist coming down on his family. The years we visited them, when I was a child, I seem to remember some of my grandfather's behaviours and, upon reflection, I believe my dad's father had a Narcissist PD. So perhaps my grandmother had BPD, because she was very meek and did whatever she was told, and seemed to be thought of as the one you go to for comfort, the one who looked after everyone lovingly. I believe my father felt anger towards his father and put his mom on a pedestal. In the end, neither of my dad's parents could offer the love that a child needs, let alone his eight brothers and sisters. He appears to have suffered the same fate that we, his children have. But the roles are reversed. Mom is the Narcissist and he is the BPD.
 

I also strongly believe that my mother appeared to him as a meek BPD (and very well may have been at one time)... She was emotionally abused and affected as well by a Narcissistic parent. I think, in her case, it might have been my mom's mother. She was always trying to get attention in a negative manner. She would exhaust herself by cooking elaborate meals for instance and then try to get more attention by berating herself for overcooking something or making something taste bland. She was also a very depressed individual, and seemed to worry about everyone all the time, but also what others thought of her. It's hard to say. Grampa, on the other hand, was a self-educated man, proud of what he had accomplished. He was a janitor, but he wasn't meek. He was a very generous person who helped people, etc, and I remember fondly that he could beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit, hands down. If anything he was a fairly stable individual, or at least appeared to be. Because my mother said her father beat her with a vacuum cord once. And from what my mom has told me about her childhood, she was always trying to be good, followed the rules of the house, and didn't act permiscously etc, so I am not sure what could have precipitated a beating like that, perhaps other than grades. So it could have been Grampa who had NPD. Mind you, from what I have read, BPD do also possibly have psychotic episodes if pushed to the brink, so there could have been a lot of things going on. For instance, perhaps our alcoholic aunt, his daughter Maria, was out of control and perhaps because our other aunt, their daughter Gina, left home at 16 years of age and married so young (possibly because of being unwed & pregnant with my cousin N)... I still get from the consistancy of their behaviour, that Gramma MAY have had NPD and Grampa MAY have had BPD or at least Gramma suffered from some sort of depression.  It could have been the other way around completely, for all I know.


The interesting thing was, in our family, I was the one who always tried to be good, although in my adolescence my grades and academic performance weren't all that great either.  I was usually discouraged from doing anything really good because that, of course, would be showing up or showing off in front of C (middle brother) and be something that broke his heart and made him feel awful about himself.  And, like mom, since I was the only one left around to punish, that's probably why she always seemed to enjoy picking on me. The whole house was out of control: C (middle brother) didn't stick to the rules and if things got too pressurized he just left the house. R (my youngest brother) and her argued about R's health (he had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I imagine since C's behaviour seemed completely out of control (partially her own doing, as she would set rules for him and constantly let them slid when he disobeyed because she felt he 'didn't understand'), so she had to turn to something else. Of course, R's (my youngest brother) health & sleeping pattern was not something controllable either.

But back to mom & dad's marriage...

This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.

Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological problems as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and depression.

Dr. Martinez-Lewi has been interviewed on numerous radio talk shows throughout the country.

Visit her website at: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
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