The latest insanity

I found out a few weeks ago that my mother apparently screamed and yelled at Gramma's 90th Birthday/Reunion and accused all the Cs (my dad's family) of being against her...

Then she made a play to forgive and forget the whole thing...

Then she accused my aunt D and the rest of the family of misleading them, and in an email sounding like she was a lawyer, she demanded emails from the past to explain what had happened...

So then D did provide the emails and my mom exonerated her, but pointed fingers at several other people in the family.

I had heard only a minor tidbit about this from my mother's point of view. It was recently that Mary (another aunt) mentioned something to Robin, and then Robin got the full story from D who had been with-holding telling me or him because she didn't want to claim any responsibility for causing issues between Robin, me and my mom.

I advised her it's okay, it's not her fault (not my aunt D's fault) as I understand this is weird... But it really did affect me... I couldn't sleep that night and had to call in sick...

I've started my vacation right now... a whole week off, because I don't think I can stand another week at work with all this on my mind.

I had in the past wanted to remove my name from the title of the house, but now my parents are moving to BC... Funny, first mom said they bought a house a while ago, and then I found out that they bought a house three years ago... Interesting...

Anyway, as in the past, my mother again tried to explain in a very excitable manner in high pitched fervor that if I stayed on the title, it would benefit me and my husband in the long run as well as her and dad. If I removed my name from the lease, she again stated that I would lose and her and dad would lose thousands and thousands of dollars... However that didn't sound right to me. How could removing my name cost them money?

So I asked my dad if I could have their real estate lawyer's name... Because, truthfully, I needed an affidavit signed stating that I (Holly Freeman) am the same person as on the title (Holly C)... Dad gave me the name of Cindy H. So my husband and I went to see her and she straightened us out... The only way my mother's way could work was if we were all on SEPARATE titles, but we are all together on ONE title. So I WON'T cost ANYONE thousands of dollars. So now, after I explained this to my mom and dad in an email, my mom got all paranoid asking why I did all this behind her back, and I explained that I've wanted my name off the title for years.... And everytime I asked mom about it she got all hyper and confused me even more...

So my mom says that she would be HAPPY to go with me to a real estate lawyer if I insisted, but I happen to know that is the furthest thing from the truth. If I hadn't gone, then nothing would have happened because she would get into my face and accuse me of not trusting her, etc.... Just like she is now...

So, I think because my dad and her were BOTH on the phone, she had to behave... It's not like she could lie right in front of him... Anyway, she SAYS she is fine with signing the papers that need to be signed, although she whined about having to pay to get a re-assessment on the house. But as my psychologist and my husband both reminded me; I don't owe HER anything. She didn't give me full disclosure for one thing...

If you ask me, she is treading on pretty uneven ground right now and really needs to be treating this whole situation with kid gloves, or else I will also stop talking to her, as Robin has done. I feel a bit fake about being all nice to her face but until those documents are signed, I don't want her to feel threatened. Because I don't know what she will do if she feels threatened. You would think she would feel more threatened if she DIDN'T sign the papers, but she is not the most rational human being I know...

In the following emails, hopefully this will outline some of the things I've gone through the last couple of months... (see above)

Mother and her Behaviour

Lately mom has been lashing out and saying nasty things in a most heated manner about R (my youngest brother) and G (R's wife, my sister-in-law)... My husband and I just bite our tongues... If we say something it will be in defense of R and G...

Again, my mom doesn't think it's anything that she has done that is stopping R from talking to her...

She thinks it is all G's doing.

She thinks G is like my old boyfriend who wouldn't let me see my own family. G isn't like that at all.

R is the one who doesn't want to see my parents. G was just the person he needed to help him see what they are really like...

By the way my mother does/did have a spot of cancer which she told us about by yanking down the front of her shirt between her breasts...  Quite appropriate when you have your mother over and everyone is in the livingroom including your husband and your middle brother.  I am fairly certain it is the slowest kind possible, the safest and easiest to dispose of: Basal Cell Carcinoma.  She applied cream to it while she was on vacation. She can't have been that badly affected by cancer, because who in their right mind would go to Florida for 2 weeks and apply cream to this skin condition if it was serious???  My husband had two large chunks of this type of cancer removed from his back.  It was very painful as it had been left for a long time and a few layers had to be removed.  My mom's looked like just a fingernail-sized.  His were larger and more advanced.

Also who in their right mind would go to Florida when they are trying to sell a house, and trying to flip another house?

I called my mom after I passed my Max/TV training with an 86% and she didn't even make a peep about what a good job I did. Instead she bemoaned the fact that her renters were leaving, the guy who was doing the renovations on the house they were flipping was dragging his feet and apparently threatening them...

I said to her, she didn't have to put up with that, but apparently she does because they are so 'frugal' they won't pay someone proper money to not piss around and not work on other projects...

And of course I am sure everything my mother says is sane and comes across like a perfectly normal person and that's why everyone treats her like dirt and makes her life hell.

And a perfectly normal person wouldn't try to tie their shoes on someone's leather couch, right?

*sigh*

MAR 28 2010: THREE WISE ONES; (31 X 39")

MAR 28 2010: THREE WISE ONES; (31 X 39")
This painting took me almost a year to complete... Not so much because I took a long time painting it, but because other things were going on... I kept hearing it everyday calling to me, but I couldn't attend to the poor thing. I am so relieved I have completed it now...



Detail of the Three...



Detail: The Robin...



Detail: The Raven...



Detail: The Snowy Owl...

Cancer and Mother

My mom and dad have been getting their will done...

Every time she talks about the will she starts talking about R.

Apparently she said dad wrote R an email about them having cancer.

I told R and G about the time my mom told a renter of hers that she had cancer so he wouldn't yell at her. This was before she found out that a spot on her chest was, indeed, cancerous, sort of like David's cancer that he got on his back... She said it isn't Basal Cell Cancer, so I think it must be Squamous Cancer Cells because it also is not melanoma.

Anyway, they might think it is a trick.

But I haven't told mom that I told them about that incident with the renter.

Anyway now she wants to coach me on what I should say to them, and wants me to throw in stuff like 'you never know' and 'we could die from really bad cancer' and crap like that. She went on to say how R only listens to G because she probably threatens to leave him if he tries to make contact with my parents and how evil that is.

But of course she doesn't remember all the 'evil' stuff she said or did to G. Who else could make it painful enough to have nightmares when she comes to visit you? My mother.

I told her not to coach me on what to say.

I put my foot down.

Anyway, for reasons that seem logical to me, I am the Executor of the will.  For now...

Nowadays: Dec 2009

My husband and I are doing well. He's got a new job, as the previous one was way too stressful. I'm not as stressed at my job lately a) because I spoke to our union and was told I have nothing to worry about, and b) because my old manager is moving to a different department and I will be working under someone else who other people I have spoken to seem to have higher regard for.  We never speak of such things to my parents.  My dad tells everything I say to my mom.  And mom will try to interfere.  She will not support my husband taking a risk and doing this.  She will try to say he is being selfish, or ask if there is something wrong with him, or start some kind of campaign to find him a job.

We're going to have a little visit on Christmas Day with my parents, although one can only stand so much time with them before they start to get on your nerves... lol Most specifically my mom and brother, but what are you gonna do? My husband's mom still lives in Florida and we visited with her in September. We've spent Christmas down in Florida before but we're afraid if she comes here in December she'll freeze solid! lol  When we were younger, we used to spend a lot more time around my parents...  Perhaps it wasn't an abnormal amount of time, but nowadays it feels like if we spend more than a few hours my mom starts turning back into her old self and trying to exert control and exhibiting strange or irritating behaviour (consciously or unconsciously, it's hard to tell)...

My mom is strange, but I haven't gotten to the point yet that my youngest brother has where he doesn't talk to her (hasn't for over 5 years). I find him the closest-to-sane relative besides my husband. Even though we are about 900 km apart, he is still my closest blood relative. lol 

On the other hand, my middle brother seems to be happy taking over the role of baby of the family (although I think he's always been crippled by mom's special attention and lack of discipline - even if he is a bit unusual himself to deal with), and lets mom and dad buy him groceries, buy him a car and maintain it, and allow him to come to their house whenever he wants to use the computer, watch TV or eat their food... I am not sure who is really at an advantage in that relationship, as it seems unhealthy to me on either end. 

My middle brother Chris lives at his home like it was a hovel, if he lived in a warmer climate it would likely be infested by cockroaches and mice. He's gotten intestinal illnesses more than once, living in the conditions he does, and he refuses to take prescription medication of any kind, even for his asthma. He is a bit dotty I am afraid. And he wonders and laments, when he lives the way he does, why no girl wants to stay with him for any long period of time except perhaps if they want to use him in some respect. He hasn't been able to hold down a job more than perhaps 3 months average - but probably because mom and dad will help him out no matter what, he doesn't hesitate and feels it is healthy for him to quit. He is a chef, which he loves, but no matter which job he has it's always someone's fault for him leaving that job.

Where do I fit in? I'm sort of available to my parents, but not on their terms. I have been influenced by my mother like my middle brother before, and I don't want to be at that disadvantage anymore. However, I guess because I kind of understand my mother doesn't mean to be a narcissistic and manipulative woman, and that she is kind of a product of her upbringing and past experience, I can't quite tear myself away from a relationship, although at one point in my life there was about 3 years where I didn't speak to her. So we have boundaries, which we maintain, because my mom has issues with boundaries. We don't tell her stressful events that are going on in our lives, we don't let her know about major decisions we are contemplating and we certainly don't pass messages between her and my youngest brother. They are at least managing to maintain some sort of communication, although somewhat stilted, via email. My dad, poor thing, is a bit of a wimp. Also a product of his upbringing. Mother has him wrapped around her little finger. She has said or done things that I don't think sane people (such as myself or my youngest brother) should be supported. But yet my dad is supportive of her. He won't stick up for his children. My guess he is as afraid of her as we are sometimes, that perhaps she will leave him, or if he gets ill in his old age, she will stuff him in an old folk's home or something.

As it is, we are going to Christmas Mass on Dec 24th with them, and then going home (to our house). Then on Dec 25th (yes I have that day off) we are going to come over for a bit to my parents and have Christmas Dinner (it was at our place last year). We'll play it a bit by ear, but judging from a week ago, there is some sort of tension (again) between my middle brother and my mom, so as in Christmases in the past, methinks we might have a bit of a blowout this time.

I am bringing some desserts over (the ones in the Notes I mentioned on Facebook), and I am helping out with the veggies. We have an awesome family recipe from my late gramma (mom's mom) for stuffing, so we are going to have that and mom's turkey. Veggies will probably entail mashed potatoes, gravy, brussel sprouts, peas and carrots, and possibly some others, but those are usually the norm unless I am making the veggies. If I am then there will likely be yams or sweet potatoes with some brown sugar or maple syrup in them.

D (my husband) and I both have Christmas Day off, and Boxing Day is a stat, but I work it this year. It's been a stressful few months with both our jobs, but now that D has a new job at some point we'll let my family know. Not really in a hurry to divulge anything, but as long as we didn't tell my mom he was looking for a job, we wouldn't be barraged by countless phone calls and talks and advice about which jobs he should look for and such and someone she would know who might hire him etc... There is nothing more annoying then someone who thinks she knows everything and her getting mad at you because she's 'trying to help' but her 'help' isn't appreciated. lol

So I will take a deep breath and cross my fingers and see how things go, but when you lower your expectations enough, then you won't be disappointed, right? lol

WHITE MARE -- JULY 5 2009: Acrylic & Gesso, Canvas (20"X20")

I love how this reminds me of a constellation. It is an image I've had in my mind a long time. 

I think when my cousin, W, was molesting me, some part of me went somewhere else...  This is my tribute to that part of me that protected me, at least during that time those things were happening to me...  My mind which took me away and shielded me from fully experiencing a lot of what happened to me.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Borderline Personality Disorder - Compassion for the Narcissist?

Taken from an article online:

By A.J. Mahari Consumer: Borderline Personality Disorder Borderline Personality.org
A.J. Mahari, of Canada, is professional freelance writer who is a survivor of sexual abuse, and a person who has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Narcissists are in pain. Their humanity must be recognized.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it as monstrous. No one is the sum total of any diagnosis.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it along with others with varying degrees of narcissism as monstrous people without worth. Rarely, in life, is the sum total of any human being with a personality disorder or not that simple or that black and white.
Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is isolating, disenfranchising, painful, and formidable for those diagnosed with it and often those who know them. Distinctions need to be made between those who have NPD because not each and every person with NPD is the same. Even with similar core issues the way in which one’s individual narcissism manifests itself in his or her relationships varies.

There is an irrefutable truth that many who have NPD are abusive. However, not all with NPD are abusive. Amongst those with NPD who are abusive the form and severity that their abuse takes will vary from individual to individual.

Chief among the traits that define Narcissistic Personality Disorder are what is described as a lack of empathy and a lack of compassion – not to be confused with the lack of conscience seen in the most severe form of narcissism within NPD – The Malignant Narcissism Syndrome (Kernberg 1992 – according to “The Handbook of Personality Disorders – Theory and Practice,” edited by Jeffery J. Magnavita - Pg 100) and that is most notably a feature in those diagnosed as having a psychopathic personality known as Antisocial Personality Disorder(APD). NPD and APD are not one in the same.

According to Wikipedia “Otto Kernberg described malignant narcissism as a syndrome characterized by a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial features, paranoid traits, and ego-syntonic aggression. Some also may find an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and a sense of importance (grandiosity). … Malignant narcissism is considered part of the spectrum of pathological narcissism, which ranges from the Cleckley's antisocial character (today's psychopath) at the high end of severity, to malignant narcissism, to NPD at the low end.”
Most with NPD struggle to understand the experience of others because they are too involved in their own inner experience. An inner experience that is then projected out onto others in ways that leave others being treated as mere extensions of the narcissist who needs to have reflected back his or her own image of self. When this image of self is reflected back in ways that enhance how the narcissist feels about him/herself, all is well. This, for the narcissist is the experience of the gratification of narcissistic supply.

The person with NPD cannot really see others separately from the way he/she experiences the world from his or her point of view only. Most everything is experienced as being about them, some extension of them, or as thwarting their wants and/or needs.

What is the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder? What does the false self mean? To read more in answer to these two questions please check out my ebook, The Shadows and Echoes of Self- The False Self Born Out of the Core Wound of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder.

Those with NPD are blinded to the external unfolding experience of others in relation to them. They are lacking in self-awareness, often, of how others experience them. Narcissists live their lives from the inside and do not have a very flexible or evident insight into what the difference is between their image of themselves versus who they really are (as seen and defined by others) and who they hold themselves out to be.
Narcissists, often, tremendously lack insight and awareness into themselves because they cannot see past this created, exaggerated and aggrandized image of self that is incongruent with who they really are and how others experience them. Trying to feedback to those with NPD about their actions, or behavior and so forth can be very frustrating because it is too painful for the narcissist to look behind the reflection of aggrandized self that they must have mirrored back to them in order to psychologically survive. The narcissist’s grandiosity is a defense against profound psychological pain.

The narcissist’s self-focus, along with his or her constant taking as they reel in this much-needed supply that buffs up and sustains their (albeit illusionary) image of grandiose and special self, interferes in this or her ability to share in the mutuality and/or reciprocity needed for healthier relating.

Those with NPD, while often described as stuck on themselves, or as full of themselves, truly are lost to themselves. Unlike those with BPD who have no sense of an actual known self and whose core wound of abandonment results in a lost self – those with NPD experience an emotional arrest at an earlier stage of early childhood development than do those with BPD (Masterson) that results in a image of a self that is held to perfection in a way that excludes the reality of the narcissist’s pain. Anything that contradicts the image of perfection threatens his or her psychological survival and is much too painful and threatening to even acknowledge.

Being on the other side of a narcissist can be very painful and frustrating. Relationships with most with NPD are usually not very satisfying or rewarding, emotionally, for those who are non-personality disordered.
Most people, who have been in, or are in, a relationship with someone with NPD feel very lonely and often invisible. Those who have NPD are not emotionally available and this is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with for others.

The reality that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder or in some cases, both personality disorders, does not and should not excuse their abusive behavior in any way. The challenge for the personality disordered is to learn how to take personal responsibility. Often those with NPD and/or BPD will put the responsibility for their poor, disrespectful, or abusive behavior onto those they are relating to. Do not accept this responsibility. To do so is painful and crazy-making and only gives permission to the personality-disordered to continue to treat you the way they do and to blame you for it or try to have you believe that their behavior results from what you do or don't do - this is not true.

It is important to have compassion for those who have NPD. They are not all monsters, nor do they all behave in monstrous ways. If you are in tremendous emotional pain you may need to find ways to emotionally detach whether you stay in the relationship or not.

With healthy emotional detachment, and even when we have to remove ourselves from the abuse of a narcissist, how can we say that we are any different from a narcissist if we do not have empathy and compassion for those diagnosed with NPD?

How can we criticize what those with NPD are not able to share or do, if we ourselves aren’t prepared to share what we are actually capable of?

Having compassion for a narcissist doesn't mean, however, sadly enough in many cases, that we can stay connected to the narcissist or actively share that compassion with the person with NPD. The best we can do is to recognize that not all things that those with NPD do, are done with malice. Those in relationships with those with NPD and/or who have been abused by someone with NPD need to take care of themselves. Having compassion for the narcissist doesn't mean staying in the relationship.

Compassion, like forgiveness, are gifts that you truly give to yourself as much as to anyone with NPD. Actively being aware of both will help you heal and will set you free from any and all painful entanglement with someone with NPD.