I did think of the time I was in elementary school when I hurt someone physically. I didn't intend to hurt this person, but that was what happened. I thought it would be funny if I "accidentally" tripped her while I was apparently picking something up that I had dropped on the floor off my desk. I was thinking about it as a joke, everyone would laugh at her. Ha ha ha... Not so much. So I bent down from my desk with my legs sticking out in the aisle as she was saying something to someone behind her, while she was moving forward.
I caused her to fall over my sticking-out leg and into some desks, and she twisted her wrist. I felt really badly that I had hurt her that much. She was a nice girl, too. An older girl in another grade. I can't remember which teacher yelled at me, but I denied that I meant to hurt her. Well, I didn't mean to hurt her, but I denied any wrongdoing whatsoever. I felt more angry that I had been called out than guilt for hurting this girl. I admit, some people in school liked to do that sort of thing to me, but not this girl. She had nothing to do with the bullies who were picking on me.
Today and when I recently thought about this though, I felt really really bad. Like what the hell was I thinking? I know I was just a kid, but come on, it isn't that hard to figure out that it was a thoughtless and risky way to get attention. I am sure I was not the only kid in the school looking for some attention, any attention. And even if I was, it would be a rare thing to get attention by hurting someone else...
Then the next thing that comes to mind today. In the school yard I saw a boy bending down (to tie his shoe or something)... He was younger than me. He wasn't a troublemaker as far as I knew. His butt was just too tempting a target! So I booted him in the butt! He gave me a dirty look and said something like "Hey! What did you do that for?" And I honestly think I was just laughing. So he ran off, and I continued on not really thinking about it. When all of a sudden, he and two of his friends tackled me and pinned me to the ground. I think now, what brave kids those were. They were tenacious. I couldn't get up! Here I was I think in grade 6 or 7 and I couldn't get these tiny rugrats off my back! Well, that taught me a lesson! I can laugh at myself about that one. I deserved it! A teacher rescued me and gave those boys heck, but I think they won anyway! lol
There was a boy I think in grade 7, a native boy. I can't remember if he had started teasing me first or not, but I was teasing him about his last name, which was Scales. I had had enough of kids making fun of my name, and I decided it would be fun to make fun of someone else for a change. I didn't really think of it in racial terms, but I am sure he did. He had large, full lips as well. So I was calling him Fish Scales. At some point during this taunting, he stabbed me in my hand with a nice sharp pencil, and it got lodged in my hand deep enough to make it bleed. So we both got called to the office. I did admit that I was calling him those names, and said that everyone was making fun of my name, too. But I could see that I better be careful what kind of things come out of my mouth, and also consider who I am speaking to and what it could be interpreted as. Later on, I thought at night when I went to bed, that I was going to die because I had pencil lead stuck in my hand (at least that is what one of the girls in my class said to me), but she probably didn't know it wasn't real lead. But if I recall, I frequently thought I was going to die, and would lay there in bed at night stiff as a board, feeling the bed shake or feeling my heart beating faster and faster and pounding in my ears. I was going to die because I was a horrible person, and I wasn't going to go to heaven. Those were thoughts I had going through my head when I was trying to go to sleep at night. Not so much because of what I did at school or at home, but because of what my predator pedophile cousin did to me... I thought it was all related somehow.
I recall another time in the school yard... I can't remember what grade or age. I just remember feeling really really lonely for some reason. I just felt so alone. I went into the corner of one part of the buildings and just started crying and crying. And someone must have noticed because a teacher came up and asked what was wrong. I felt so stupid and dumb so I just said I was cold (I think it was in November or something)... The well-meaning teacher told me to just move around instead of huddling in the corner of the school, and he made me do some jumping jacks with him and asked if I felt better. At least this distraction did stop me from crying, so I said, yeah I felt a bit better, and wandered off somewhere else. I think my usual friend that I hung out with was sick that day or something, so I felt exposed and alone. I was a one-person friend for the longest time. I didn't trust a lot of people, I guess. I hung out with a girl who had 4 sisters! lol I guess she wanted someone her own age who didn't really have to get looked after. But I think she also looked at me as though I was a bit of a little sister type.
I also did a foolish thing to her! I ordered pizza and had it sent to her house. Fortunately for them, the mother figured out who it was and I had to bring up all my saved allowance and give them $30 for the pizza I had ordered for them. I was such a follower then! None of my own brains. A neighbour boy that we were on friendly terms with brought a bully in the neighbourhood came over to our house when my parents were out (I think they went somewhere for the weekend because I remember they came back after more than one day). He manipulated me into calling around to different people and ordering pizza. He said I was too scared, and I would never do it. I said my mom would get angry, and he said in a taunting manner "Oh do you do everything your mommy tells you?" So I was so weak and instead of telling him off, I went ahead and did it. So at least I learned there are consequences for that sort of thing, too. I just felt really really bad that I had done that to someone who supposedly was such a good friend. She didn't talk to me again much after that. I don't blame her. Mind you she seemed to have developed a keen interest in boys, and that was around age 11 for me, so I think she started pulling away already. I was always the youngest in my class because I was 4 and a 1/2 when I started school, as my birthday was in December. Seemed all the girls had some crush on a boy and was fussing about their looks and hair and make-up, except me who didn't care for either boys or messing with my looks. Odd one out. That was me.
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