At the risk of sounding like a hypochondriac...
I wonder if my Graves' Disease symptoms were/are psychosomatic... Hmmm... http://www.psychosomaticmedicine.org/cgi/content/full/61/2/131 Apparently stress can make a mess of the endocrine system and that includes the pituitary & thryoid... I was working in a highly stressful job, before I left for another stressful job...
http://books.google.com/books?id=igJQNQauIqAC&pg=PT239&lpg=PT239&dq=hyperthyroid+ptsd+child+abuse&source=web&ots=9mfUa-kiog&sig=t2N_cqQo-LsgN9i7BA-EDHeqAPk
The hippocampus can shrink because of PTSD: does this explain why all three of us siblings have terrible memory capacity, as do both my parents who both had their own childhood traumas... ?? Or do we all just have really bad memory capacity for other reasons... ?? I also wonder if our psychic traumas can really be compared to physical trauma.
Alzheimer's does run in the family on my dad's side... I've read about protein/peptide deposits in brain cells (saw on TV results from studies on former football players & wrestlers) from a lifetime of concussions that if you build up enough you can be more susceptible to dementia. Maybe my family is genetically predisposed to have excelerated amounts of that or similar protein build-ups: perhaps a lifetime of emotional/mental stress can cause proteins/damage as much as physical damage.
Mar 2nd: I spoke with my brother R on Sunday: he was talking to me about our poor memory... He said that we siblings all have bad memories probably because we all (all of us siblings) blocked out things from events in our childhood (he feels mostly things from our mother) and that is how we learned how to be forgetful, so I suppose there is something to that possibility.
Well, either that or I'm re-inventing the wheel or I'm a hypochondriac. LOL
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Jan 24, 2008 - Feb 14-15, 2008
-- Jan 24, 2008: The rainbow around the child is my interpretation of the Seven Chakras http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra It is a barrier of protection between the child and that which is trying to harm her. That is a drawing of myself in grade 4, I believe, so I would have been 8 years old when the picture was taken. Meditation helps me invision a white layer of protection around me, as though I were a yolk protected inside a membrane like an egg. I suppose if one had a rich enough fantasy life, one could hide behind that, if nothing else, to prevent the harshest of realities such as guilt, shame, fear and anger from overtaking one's soul and spirit.
-- Feb 4-5, 2008: Here is a similar Rod of Asclepius, only this time the Rose & Snake are melded together and encircle the Primary Feather of an Albatross. The Rose and the Snake are integrated, but the feather points it's sharp quill to the snake's head. The Rose can also of course be the symbol of Christ or the Collective Sacred, and the Snake of course can also symbolize Satan, or the Collective Evil. I am still trying to work out what the Quill means: it is used to write with, so it could be a symbol for "The pen is mightier than the sword" or, more simply put, the written word keeps balance or keeps evil at bay; but at the same time, the Opposites (Good & Evil) are integrated, so if one is abolished, then so is the other... I still haven't figured out why I drew this one, although it spun off from the poem I wrote originally...I suppose if you were going to look at the rose/snake as Good/Evil or Masculine/Feminine or then you could say that the feather (or the written word or history) of either could have been either just barely balanced or threatening both... Because really, does anyone actually know the accuracy of history? History is how someone perceived something and how it was recorded according to that perception.
Originally, I did a poem about my father and mother: dad was the feather, mother was the dragon. They both seemed quite dissimilar, however they both needed each other. So my mother is the Dragon, my father is the Quill, and I am the Rose. And it's odd, because I don't think of my mother as a wise, understanding, caring dragon, but one of those Fallen who has been affected by some great malady of the soul. LOL But perhaps I shouldn't see her as all wounded, because then I would be doing what she does to everyone else! LOL She must have a "healing physician" side, but if she does, it must be getting dragged down by her wounded side that she tries to hide all the time.
-- Feb 12, 2008: For some, the monsters are real: See, Hear, Speak - give abused or neglected children a voice. Just thought I'd try my hand out at something serious for a change... I tried to draw these from pictures I pulled off the internet: I added the blindfold to the little girl in the first panel, the background with the little boy in the second panel, and combined the hand and the face in the last one (they weren't together in the original). I'm obviously out of practise! But they're pretty decent drawings. It would probably be more effective to take photos because these don't seem real enough as drawings. The picture of the last child, is again my school picture. That action of a hand covering my mouth actually did happen. I had a strange sense of euphoria when I drew that... As though "There! There it is! SEE?! This happened to me, and THERE IT IS! HA! I SAID IT!"
-- Feb 14-15: I originally made these for Chelsey, a friend of mine, for a tattoo. But instead I am going with a more simple design for her, as she would prefer it. I really liked the idea of the Turtle. I believe a turtle symbolizes wisdom, experience, patience, strength, ability to adapt to more than one element (earth & water), steadfast & steady, symmetry/balance, grounded, strength/sturdiness, self-protected, comfortable and at home where ever it travels, takes its time to get to its destination & enjoys the journey. Those, of course, are its good attributes. If I were to think of it's Other Side: when its world is turned upside down, it can't right itself - it needs help. Also sometimes it might be a little too self-sufficient and it can't let anyone else into its house. And who knows how long before some important information gets through that thick shell??
Feb 18th 2008: Here are the finished tattoos for Chelsey... She prefers the Green Sea Turtle shape and she wanted the rose inside the carapace. I initially thought that would be too difficult to try to put the intricate pattern of a rose into the intricate pattern of a turtle shell. But her email with samples of what she was looking for really helped.
I like it too because now the Rose is part of the Shell, which seems to give the symbol of the Rose a measure of permanency and strength. And for some reason it makes more sense to have a Femine symbol resting on an Aquatic symbol, ie: birth, baptism, change, flow. This kind of turtle travels on a Journey or Pilgrimage, a Search. Salt water is healing and soothing on calm days, warm in the tropics; yet at times it can be fathomless and treacherous in storms and hurricanes, frigid & numbing in the Arctic regions. The Ocean is almost a living being, the Earth's opposite. It is a home to those who find comfort in its ebb & flow.
Dec 17th 2007 - Jan 23, 2008
-- Dec 17th, 2007: Collectively speaking, a Rose can be a symbol of Femininity, or of Love, or the Sacred... The gold leaves are fallen from the creature, a being who has fallen victim to its own Shadow. I had a vivid dream once, and there was an unknown woman singing about a Rose drowning in the rain. The dream itself was beautiful & sad, the song was lovely and dulcet, but some of the images were disturbing to me: these dreams I have recorded in my journal. The Rose drowns in the Rain,
The Rose drowns in the Rain
I am trying to dig deep into myself to figure out why I can't trust my mother. It feels to me like she tries to drown me into herself. And several months ago, I thought of a metaphor for her - she was a beautiful tree, but she wanted to give up all her leaves, even though no one asked her to. Then she feels angry and hurt because no one accepts her gifts that she thrust upon them. So I tried to combine this image with the words I chose in a sort of flow-writing poem about my mother (the above image accompanied the poem).
--Dec 20, 2007: The Protector... The Snake/Shadow (bad memories, guilt, negative self-image) used to loom quite large, but now the Snake/Shadow seems to have shrunk to the harmless size of a worm; these troubling thoughts that keep resurfacing each time it rains (or when bad things happen) are easily picked off by the Robin. The Robin is that part of me which has grown (is growing) and developed (developing) strength to the point where Snakes seldom bother me, as they seem (in comparison) to have shrunk small enough for me to step on them on the sidewalk (well, this is how I wish it to be someday, if not presently). No need to use a symbol of something like an Eagle or Hawk when a Robin will serve the same purpose. I wanted to Name to something that was hard to Name. I used to draw humanoids with animal heads all the time when I was younger, inspired by Egyptian gods and Native Lore/Shamans, changelings, etc. When I meditate, I sometimes invision my negative thoughts are being pulled out of my memory by a playful Robin (who doesn't mind the rain), shredded in a gizzard, and digested harmlessly, expelled as fodder for creativity. Personally, that Snake symbolizes to me the BIG one from the Garden of Eden, who tempted Eve to eat the Apple. Well, I had a similar Snake in my childhood, who tempted me with that Apple as well. And, of course Not Knowing the consequences, and being tricked into it, I took it. Once I found out what I did was wrong, became Knowing, I agonized about it for years, and abolished myself from "The Garden of Eden" in my own private hell. I wonder if my mother did this to herself as well, having met up with her own Snake. I wonder if our spirits resembled Viktor Frankl's physical state when he was exisiting in a concentration camp. Something kept me going on, somehow: I remember negotiating with God. "I'll never do anything bad again if...." If no one ever finds out, and hates me for it, and thinks I'm horrible, or worse: doesn't believe me, doesn't care, wants to protect the Snake...
Sometimes, it seems to me, she has become The Snake, and just doesn't realize it. Control, manipulation... Hmmm. Sounds all too familiar.
Not sure if I actually lived up to the promise of being Good forever, but somehow I eventually made it out of that cloud of whatever it was, climbed out of my darkness to the other side, perhaps relatively unscathed. Once in a while I find myself sliding back a bit when the slope gets slippery, but I don't think I've fallen all the way back down again, even in my recent darker moments.
But my mother seems to have deeper scars that affect her on an almost daily basis, and sometimes I wonder if she ever did escape or if she's still buried inside herself somewhere. The Snake manifests itself consciously without her realizing it, from her unconsciousness - because she denies it or represses it.
-- Jan 9/10, 2008: If you are familiar with the Rod of Asclepius http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_of_Asclepius then this will make more sense. The Rose symbolizes the Collective Unconscious symbol of female/feminine; the Robin is the Protector. The Snake twists around the Rose, as the snake does on the Rod of Asclepius. The Snake enabled the Greek Hero to bring someone back from the Dead. So there is similar symbolism meant here. Personally, the Rose symbolises me; again, the Snake is my personal Snake, that Wolf who used to be a Lamb like me. However the Robin again is my protector, and the Snake helped me become who I am. I have risen from the ashes of my suffering (well, more or less... Sometimes it happens again, but writing about it helps). The Snake cannot touch the Rose, or he will be pierced with thorns. Even as he (or things that remind me of him) tries to encircle me, I know he cannot harm me (most of the time).
-- Jan15-16, 2007: Untitled. I am not sure what this picture is about: yes it's one of those I felt compelled to draw. But I feel a fascinating feeling of ice down my spine and then it transitions into a warm feeling in my chest and wonder in my mind. So it could be my Shadow in the background and my Self... Or it could be a symbol of Evil (in the background) and Good (beside me)... The girl is supposed to be a drawing of me when I was around three years old: I used a photo. But I am a bit out of practise drawing from reality.
-- Jan 23, 2008: Strong Protects the Weak. The dragon, if you look closely, resembles the Robin/Protector and also shows some signs of the dryad (Self/Shadow) in the green chlorophyll-coloured wings that collect nourishment from the sun (Sacred). It also is a snake-like reptile, which I also relate to sexuality or sensuality: good or bad it is all part of the same. I felt the ghost of the fawn symbolizes the former/inner child: weak and dependent. The only problem with the well-meaning Dragon is sometimes it can become overwhelming and may over-react to protect the Inner Child of the Self or someone else's Inner Child. Sometimes I can't tell if my mother is a Protector or a Snake, she tries to be a protector sometimes, but other times the worst things come out of her mouth or from her actions... Maybe that's why I think of her as both a cold reptile and life-giving tree (dryad). And of course I imagine I have the potential to be like that at as well.
Nov 2007- Dec 2 2007
-- Nov 6, 2007: The Shadow Reveals Itself. (at least that is what I assume it is)
-- Nov 9, 2007: Struggling With The Shadow: of course this makes sense when you think in Jungian terms. I wasn't sure why I drew some of those images in the past, but it does make sense if I put a name to it... It may not be the original meaning, but I know that if you resist or deny your Unknown (your darker side of consciousness: your potential, your wild/base side) all you will do is harm yourself emotionally & spiritually in the end. I thought I would attempt to portray this struggle. Because I am sure I have felt it. There are things I wanted to deny about myself.
-- Nov 13, 2007: This is where the Shadow (tree) and the Self/Ego (human) converge into one being (Dryad/Angel): they feed off each other... They are fed by that which is still deeply submerged (the Collective Unconscious) and the Sacred Self. The Self/Ego accepts the Shadow and integrates them together. The one below is more of an analytical look at it...
Dec 1-2, 2007: Acceptance. This is a depiction of the Self accepting and integrating the Shadow into Itself. This gives the Self/Shadow balance.
Some pictures from the late 1980's to early 1990's
Ah, ancient history. These images were drawn around the time I was in university. I don't remember when exactly. I went to university for three years, took three years off (primarily to live on my own), and then completed a different degree...
I believe these were all brought on by what is called an "autonomous complex" -- I don't know why I drew them, or what they mean, but I was compelled to draw them...
I have so many drawings from this time and previous, but these ones I share on this Blog really left a lasting impression for me. Back then, I never really thought about or reflected on why or what I was drawing... I rarely titled or dated them either. Probably because I produced so many. I think perhaps the drawings above were when I was on my three year hiatus from university. Outside of studio work (mostly sketches and drawings/paintings from real life and models) I did quite a few "non Fine Art". A majority of these drawings had snakes, birds and half-human/animal creatures, or symbols like hieroglyphics, and all sorts of strange combinations of beasts or unknown people. I also liked angels, stags, lions and other big cats, dogs, rodents, various winged animals, and things inspired from the books I would read. Rarely I would incorporate myself and someone else I knew into my drawings. Rarely I would draw something that was mildly disturbing and wonder why I did it. I didn't really care to show people those drawings.
The images below are from my print class in university: these would have been when I was in the Fine Arts Program. I had to submit a portfolio of art to be accepted early into the studio classes, which I succeeded in doing. I dropped out of that program and switched to Arts Education. I didn't have the stomach for 'Fine Art' and the workload was hard - although I think if I could eliminated my mandatory elective courses I would have been just fine. I was 17 when I started University, so I was a bit young and not used to how the world worked or how to make decisions or choices for myself. Perhaps I went along too much with my parental guidance. They were, after all, the ones paying for my education that I was told I had to take in some form or another. Perhaps it was because some of my professors had mouths bigger than their brains, or brains bigger than their hearts (except you, Jack Cowan - you're the man - and those fish prints were awesome). I don't think I was deliberately rebellious or lazy, but I lacked self-discipline and motivation. I might have even not wanted to listen because they seemed so confident and I felt so insecure. I also had a fright when I found out that we had to 'defend' our art in front of people if we intended to get our Masters in Art. Nowadays, from my current perspective, that seems hardly a problem, but back then, I was expecting some sort of Spanish Inquisition!
More drawings below... I think they might have even been from high school when I was 16 or 17 years old.
-- I still had a lot of weird imagination: I drew this child from a Children's Wish Foundation ad in a magazine. She seemed to be someone going through a lot of silent pain, so I felt I could identify with her. And when I was in pain, I took myself away from it by reading or drawing. Hence the little characters coming to visit the little girl in the picture (to transport her away from the situation). If you look behind the little girl on the bed, you will see the shaft of light: this symbolizes the light in the hallway for me that I refused to sleep without. I would cry without my Light. Too scary. If there was no light, I would stare wide-eyed into the darkness until it seemed to swirl and move... 'Please don't shut the door and please leave the light in the hallway on'...
-- I've always liked dragons. The stories I read had them as wise supreme beings, although not gods & not quite supernatural. Immense. Ancient. Once in a while I would read about dragons who had psychic and emotional connections with their riders: they were a faithful team. Others seemed to have a weakness or flaw that somehow made them more human. Some were supremely evil or disturbed, but most were kind, or at least willing to partner themselves with us puny humans because they saw something valuable within us, even small as we are.
-- I love wings and I love horses. And I love C.S. Lewis. If you have ever read The Magician's Nephew & the rest of the Chronicles of Narnia, you will know what I am talking about. Again, I felt a connection, not just with horses, but with all nature.
I believe these were all brought on by what is called an "autonomous complex" -- I don't know why I drew them, or what they mean, but I was compelled to draw them...
I have so many drawings from this time and previous, but these ones I share on this Blog really left a lasting impression for me. Back then, I never really thought about or reflected on why or what I was drawing... I rarely titled or dated them either. Probably because I produced so many. I think perhaps the drawings above were when I was on my three year hiatus from university. Outside of studio work (mostly sketches and drawings/paintings from real life and models) I did quite a few "non Fine Art". A majority of these drawings had snakes, birds and half-human/animal creatures, or symbols like hieroglyphics, and all sorts of strange combinations of beasts or unknown people. I also liked angels, stags, lions and other big cats, dogs, rodents, various winged animals, and things inspired from the books I would read. Rarely I would incorporate myself and someone else I knew into my drawings. Rarely I would draw something that was mildly disturbing and wonder why I did it. I didn't really care to show people those drawings.
The images below are from my print class in university: these would have been when I was in the Fine Arts Program. I had to submit a portfolio of art to be accepted early into the studio classes, which I succeeded in doing. I dropped out of that program and switched to Arts Education. I didn't have the stomach for 'Fine Art' and the workload was hard - although I think if I could eliminated my mandatory elective courses I would have been just fine. I was 17 when I started University, so I was a bit young and not used to how the world worked or how to make decisions or choices for myself. Perhaps I went along too much with my parental guidance. They were, after all, the ones paying for my education that I was told I had to take in some form or another. Perhaps it was because some of my professors had mouths bigger than their brains, or brains bigger than their hearts (except you, Jack Cowan - you're the man - and those fish prints were awesome). I don't think I was deliberately rebellious or lazy, but I lacked self-discipline and motivation. I might have even not wanted to listen because they seemed so confident and I felt so insecure. I also had a fright when I found out that we had to 'defend' our art in front of people if we intended to get our Masters in Art. Nowadays, from my current perspective, that seems hardly a problem, but back then, I was expecting some sort of Spanish Inquisition!
More drawings below... I think they might have even been from high school when I was 16 or 17 years old.
-- I still had a lot of weird imagination: I drew this child from a Children's Wish Foundation ad in a magazine. She seemed to be someone going through a lot of silent pain, so I felt I could identify with her. And when I was in pain, I took myself away from it by reading or drawing. Hence the little characters coming to visit the little girl in the picture (to transport her away from the situation). If you look behind the little girl on the bed, you will see the shaft of light: this symbolizes the light in the hallway for me that I refused to sleep without. I would cry without my Light. Too scary. If there was no light, I would stare wide-eyed into the darkness until it seemed to swirl and move... 'Please don't shut the door and please leave the light in the hallway on'...
-- I've always liked dragons. The stories I read had them as wise supreme beings, although not gods & not quite supernatural. Immense. Ancient. Once in a while I would read about dragons who had psychic and emotional connections with their riders: they were a faithful team. Others seemed to have a weakness or flaw that somehow made them more human. Some were supremely evil or disturbed, but most were kind, or at least willing to partner themselves with us puny humans because they saw something valuable within us, even small as we are.
-- I love wings and I love horses. And I love C.S. Lewis. If you have ever read The Magician's Nephew & the rest of the Chronicles of Narnia, you will know what I am talking about. Again, I felt a connection, not just with horses, but with all nature.
It's All About... MEEEEE...
Remember: you can click on images to enlarge them, and, as you might have noticed, these posts read from oldest (at the bottom of this site or archived on the side) and up to most recent posts (at the top of this site).
A little about my drawings and me, I suppose... I'm afraid this whole Blog is a bit self-centred, and probably boring, but I guess it feels good to me because somewhere along the line I forgot about myself for a while. It took me a while to figure out exactly why. I've had some help along the way. My husband, for one, has supported me and helped me find myself. I've also been fortunate enough to have the opportunity for counseling. I have some wonderful friends and mentors who look out for me as well.
Some develop talents or skills to distract or disassociate themselves from stressful times and thoughts. Some examples are reading and writing, acting/drama, role playing, playing video games, walking, helping with charities, or some other activity that transports them out of real time. Some people do these activities for pleasure. Some people use them to relay something way down deep inside themselves that they would otherwise not be able to talk about. Their medium is what they use to communicate something deeper than just what is seen on the surface. That's why we have some actors who are 'okay,' and other actors who somehow reach us and make us feel what the character is feeling, because some deep part of that actor is connecting to a deep part of ourselves. It may not elicit the exact same thing as what the actor is feeling or thinking at the time, but something connects us to them that is not superficial. Something we might not have even known was there inside of us in the first place surfaces or pulls at our consciousness. Similar things occur with people communicating through writing, music, art or dance. Sometimes the watcher or the reader or the listener needs to pay extra attention to be feel something, other times that something sneaks up on them and hits them unexpectedly between the eyes.
For me, the medium I use is visual art. I started drawing at a very early age. According to my mom, I was about three. She said that when she was busy, she'd give me paper and pens, and that would occupy me for hours.
Then blah blah blah, whatever I try to write about my education and art seems to sound like a melo-drama, so I edited it out. Let us just say that perhaps one does not need to be educated through an institution to be an artist. Sometimes a person already is an artist and they just need to develop and find themselves, without someone else interfering and trying to force a person from a circle into a square. It's not so bad to be challenged and shown techniques and being stretched a bit outside of a comfort zone, or being shown history or the why and the how of things. It's healthy to be outside of oneself sometimes, of course, and not always be stuck in a vacuum or inside one's own head with one's own thoughts all the time. But my opinion is just that, my opinion. Your opinion is the same. You, who are supposed to be my guide and my mentor, do not make me feel inferior for having a different vision from you. Do not try to force me to defend my work when I feel so vulnerable about it. If I am too young and lack experience to fully explain what I have done or how I feel about something I have created, or do not understand what you want, I would hope your have some understanding and patience for me. I would be hurt and bewildered if you made me feel stupid for not being seasoned like yourself.
I will mention, that as it says in Joseph Campbell's The Portable Jung, I did tend to be compelled at times, for several hours at a time, to draw. In some cases I'd lose track of time or forget to eat. I could sit and draw until I start noticing cramping in my shoulder, perhaps 3-4 hours (moreso when I was a child). I read that this type of behaviour is sometimes indicative of an autonomous complex... From what I can tell, it is when the unconscious "invades" the conscious personality and influences it or causes the person to "be possessed" by it. This could explain why I sometimes cannot explain why I draw something, or what it means, but that I have an urge to draw it and that only when I am done with it, do I have some peace. I used to get these urges all the time when I was a child... I still get restless or feel something "pent up" inside me if I haven't been able to draw or paint for long periods of time.
Although I do at times feel compelled to draw and paint, it seems a lot more peaceful now. Not so much a compulsion, but still a beckoning or persuasion. And I don't confine an image in mind and produce it upon a surface like a snapshot anymore. I let something take shape in my mind, and it sometimes develops into something else. It has more of a growth cycle. It has more meaning. It feels more natural.
Nowadays, I think I draw or paint because I want to face my demons at times. Or other times, I just want to pull out the peace and beautiful things from my mind, or let them come out of me. Either way, I am confronting and trying to accept things about my deeper self, not just scratching the surface of my fantasies and using it as a form of escapism like I used to. Instead of just sipping at the morning dew I am diving into the dark well. Not everything is pretty and pleasing to the senses down there. My art used to be a device to get attention, praise, admiration. Now it is made for me, for myself. If it happens to be for you as well, then I guess it is meant to be. It is what it is. Perhaps something in what I painted pulls you down into yourself and you aren't even sure why it appeals to you or repels you. Sometimes even I do not fully understand what I painted. Before I start or during the painting, I have an idea about what I think it is going to be. I used to have more intent and planning about what a painting would end up like from beginning to end, but now I don't always hold myself to those restrictive blueprints. I could sit there for quite a while after I am finished my painting and analyze it and decide an image has a certain meaning to me. But I might come back after some time has passed and think, "No, I think it means something else now."
This site has even evolved. It used to be strictly private. It used to be about my dreams and nightmares. It used to be about the real meanings I had for my paintings. Now it is more about my parents and things that happened to me in my childhood.
It's a tool I use to help people who have had similar problems. It will help you identify, perhaps, if someone you are close to has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or whatever they are calling it these days). It will give you some idea of what to do, give you some resources and links to explore. It will comfort you that you are not alone. You are not the crazy one. Narcissistic people just tend to make normal people feel that way about themselves.
I have even tried, when possible, to show you that other people in your family can be affected by the same person you are. You can find strength together. Do not be afraid to assert boundaries. It may take some time, but hopefully by seeking and accepting help from people around you, you will survive this.
A little about my drawings and me, I suppose... I'm afraid this whole Blog is a bit self-centred, and probably boring, but I guess it feels good to me because somewhere along the line I forgot about myself for a while. It took me a while to figure out exactly why. I've had some help along the way. My husband, for one, has supported me and helped me find myself. I've also been fortunate enough to have the opportunity for counseling. I have some wonderful friends and mentors who look out for me as well.
Some develop talents or skills to distract or disassociate themselves from stressful times and thoughts. Some examples are reading and writing, acting/drama, role playing, playing video games, walking, helping with charities, or some other activity that transports them out of real time. Some people do these activities for pleasure. Some people use them to relay something way down deep inside themselves that they would otherwise not be able to talk about. Their medium is what they use to communicate something deeper than just what is seen on the surface. That's why we have some actors who are 'okay,' and other actors who somehow reach us and make us feel what the character is feeling, because some deep part of that actor is connecting to a deep part of ourselves. It may not elicit the exact same thing as what the actor is feeling or thinking at the time, but something connects us to them that is not superficial. Something we might not have even known was there inside of us in the first place surfaces or pulls at our consciousness. Similar things occur with people communicating through writing, music, art or dance. Sometimes the watcher or the reader or the listener needs to pay extra attention to be feel something, other times that something sneaks up on them and hits them unexpectedly between the eyes.
For me, the medium I use is visual art. I started drawing at a very early age. According to my mom, I was about three. She said that when she was busy, she'd give me paper and pens, and that would occupy me for hours.
Then blah blah blah, whatever I try to write about my education and art seems to sound like a melo-drama, so I edited it out. Let us just say that perhaps one does not need to be educated through an institution to be an artist. Sometimes a person already is an artist and they just need to develop and find themselves, without someone else interfering and trying to force a person from a circle into a square. It's not so bad to be challenged and shown techniques and being stretched a bit outside of a comfort zone, or being shown history or the why and the how of things. It's healthy to be outside of oneself sometimes, of course, and not always be stuck in a vacuum or inside one's own head with one's own thoughts all the time. But my opinion is just that, my opinion. Your opinion is the same. You, who are supposed to be my guide and my mentor, do not make me feel inferior for having a different vision from you. Do not try to force me to defend my work when I feel so vulnerable about it. If I am too young and lack experience to fully explain what I have done or how I feel about something I have created, or do not understand what you want, I would hope your have some understanding and patience for me. I would be hurt and bewildered if you made me feel stupid for not being seasoned like yourself.
I will mention, that as it says in Joseph Campbell's The Portable Jung, I did tend to be compelled at times, for several hours at a time, to draw. In some cases I'd lose track of time or forget to eat. I could sit and draw until I start noticing cramping in my shoulder, perhaps 3-4 hours (moreso when I was a child). I read that this type of behaviour is sometimes indicative of an autonomous complex... From what I can tell, it is when the unconscious "invades" the conscious personality and influences it or causes the person to "be possessed" by it. This could explain why I sometimes cannot explain why I draw something, or what it means, but that I have an urge to draw it and that only when I am done with it, do I have some peace. I used to get these urges all the time when I was a child... I still get restless or feel something "pent up" inside me if I haven't been able to draw or paint for long periods of time.
Although I do at times feel compelled to draw and paint, it seems a lot more peaceful now. Not so much a compulsion, but still a beckoning or persuasion. And I don't confine an image in mind and produce it upon a surface like a snapshot anymore. I let something take shape in my mind, and it sometimes develops into something else. It has more of a growth cycle. It has more meaning. It feels more natural.
Nowadays, I think I draw or paint because I want to face my demons at times. Or other times, I just want to pull out the peace and beautiful things from my mind, or let them come out of me. Either way, I am confronting and trying to accept things about my deeper self, not just scratching the surface of my fantasies and using it as a form of escapism like I used to. Instead of just sipping at the morning dew I am diving into the dark well. Not everything is pretty and pleasing to the senses down there. My art used to be a device to get attention, praise, admiration. Now it is made for me, for myself. If it happens to be for you as well, then I guess it is meant to be. It is what it is. Perhaps something in what I painted pulls you down into yourself and you aren't even sure why it appeals to you or repels you. Sometimes even I do not fully understand what I painted. Before I start or during the painting, I have an idea about what I think it is going to be. I used to have more intent and planning about what a painting would end up like from beginning to end, but now I don't always hold myself to those restrictive blueprints. I could sit there for quite a while after I am finished my painting and analyze it and decide an image has a certain meaning to me. But I might come back after some time has passed and think, "No, I think it means something else now."
This site has even evolved. It used to be strictly private. It used to be about my dreams and nightmares. It used to be about the real meanings I had for my paintings. Now it is more about my parents and things that happened to me in my childhood.
It's a tool I use to help people who have had similar problems. It will help you identify, perhaps, if someone you are close to has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or whatever they are calling it these days). It will give you some idea of what to do, give you some resources and links to explore. It will comfort you that you are not alone. You are not the crazy one. Narcissistic people just tend to make normal people feel that way about themselves.
I have even tried, when possible, to show you that other people in your family can be affected by the same person you are. You can find strength together. Do not be afraid to assert boundaries. It may take some time, but hopefully by seeking and accepting help from people around you, you will survive this.
My main goal is to educate. I'm not about traumatizing or exploiting my own relatives/friends just for an interesting read on a blog. I won't sacrifice people I care about for 'good writing' and that means I sometimes cannot simply copy and paste their emails or Facebook messages into my blog without removing things that would easily identify them.
My way of looking at this situation is people like us will have more power over people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder/Psychopathy if we don't LET them manipulate us with fear, guilt, or whatever artful means they use to prevent us from telling the truth.
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