Dec 17th 2007 - Jan 23, 2008

-- Dec 17th, 2007: Collectively speaking, a Rose can be a symbol of Femininity, or of Love, or the Sacred... The gold leaves are fallen from the creature, a being who has fallen victim to its own Shadow. I had a vivid dream once, and there was an unknown woman singing about a Rose drowning in the rain. The dream itself was beautiful & sad, the song was lovely and dulcet, but some of the images were disturbing to me: these dreams I have recorded in my journal.

The Rose drowns in the Rain,

The Rose drowns in the Rain

I am trying to dig deep into myself to figure out why I can't trust my mother. It feels to me like she tries to drown me into herself. And several months ago, I thought of a metaphor for her - she was a beautiful tree, but she wanted to give up all her leaves, even though no one asked her to. Then she feels angry and hurt because no one accepts her gifts that she thrust upon them. So I tried to combine this image with the words I chose in a sort of flow-writing poem about my mother (the above image accompanied the poem).
--Dec 20, 2007: The Protector... The Snake/Shadow (bad memories, guilt, negative self-image) used to loom quite large, but now the Snake/Shadow seems to have shrunk to the harmless size of a worm; these troubling thoughts that keep resurfacing each time it rains (or when bad things happen) are easily picked off by the Robin. The Robin is that part of me which has grown (is growing) and developed (developing) strength to the point where Snakes seldom bother me, as they seem (in comparison) to have shrunk small enough for me to step on them on the sidewalk (well, this is how I wish it to be someday, if not presently). No need to use a symbol of something like an Eagle or Hawk when a Robin will serve the same purpose. I wanted to Name to something that was hard to Name. I used to draw humanoids with animal heads all the time when I was younger, inspired by Egyptian gods and Native Lore/Shamans, changelings, etc.

When I meditate, I sometimes invision my negative thoughts are being pulled out of my memory by a playful Robin (who doesn't mind the rain), shredded in a gizzard, and digested harmlessly, expelled as fodder for creativity. Personally, that Snake symbolizes to me the BIG one from the Garden of Eden, who tempted Eve to eat the Apple. Well, I had a similar Snake in my childhood, who tempted me with that Apple as well. And, of course Not Knowing the consequences, and being tricked into it, I took it. Once I found out what I did was wrong, became Knowing, I agonized about it for years, and abolished myself from "The Garden of Eden" in my own private hell. I wonder if my mother did this to herself as well, having met up with her own Snake. I wonder if our spirits resembled Viktor Frankl's physical state when he was exisiting in a concentration camp. Something kept me going on, somehow: I remember negotiating with God. "I'll never do anything bad again if...." If no one ever finds out, and hates me for it, and thinks I'm horrible, or worse: doesn't believe me, doesn't care, wants to protect the Snake...

Sometimes, it seems to me, she has become The Snake, and just doesn't realize it. Control, manipulation... Hmmm. Sounds all too familiar.

Not sure if I actually lived up to the promise of being Good forever, but somehow I eventually made it out of that cloud of whatever it was, climbed out of my darkness to the other side, perhaps relatively unscathed. Once in a while I find myself sliding back a bit when the slope gets slippery, but I don't think I've fallen all the way back down again, even in my recent darker moments.

But my mother seems to have deeper scars that affect her on an almost daily basis, and sometimes I wonder if she ever did escape or if she's still buried inside herself somewhere. The Snake manifests itself consciously without her realizing it, from her unconsciousness - because she denies it or represses it.
-- Jan 9/10, 2008: If you are familiar with the Rod of Asclepius http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_of_Asclepius then this will make more sense. The Rose symbolizes the Collective Unconscious symbol of female/feminine; the Robin is the Protector. The Snake twists around the Rose, as the snake does on the Rod of Asclepius. The Snake enabled the Greek Hero to bring someone back from the Dead. So there is similar symbolism meant here.

Personally, the Rose symbolises me; again, the Snake is my personal Snake, that Wolf who used to be a Lamb like me. However the Robin again is my protector, and the Snake helped me become who I am. I have risen from the ashes of my suffering (well, more or less... Sometimes it happens again, but writing about it helps). The Snake cannot touch the Rose, or he will be pierced with thorns. Even as he (or things that remind me of him) tries to encircle me, I know he cannot harm me (most of the time).
-- Jan15-16, 2007: Untitled. I am not sure what this picture is about: yes it's one of those I felt compelled to draw. But I feel a fascinating feeling of ice down my spine and then it transitions into a warm feeling in my chest and wonder in my mind. So it could be my Shadow in the background and my Self... Or it could be a symbol of Evil (in the background) and Good (beside me)... The girl is supposed to be a drawing of me when I was around three years old: I used a photo. But I am a bit out of practise drawing from reality.
-- Jan 23, 2008: Strong Protects the Weak. The dragon, if you look closely, resembles the Robin/Protector and also shows some signs of the dryad (Self/Shadow) in the green chlorophyll-coloured wings that collect nourishment from the sun (Sacred). It also is a snake-like reptile, which I also relate to sexuality or sensuality: good or bad it is all part of the same. I felt the ghost of the fawn symbolizes the former/inner child: weak and dependent. The only problem with the well-meaning Dragon is sometimes it can become overwhelming and may over-react to protect the Inner Child of the Self or someone else's Inner Child. Sometimes I can't tell if my mother is a Protector or a Snake, she tries to be a protector sometimes, but other times the worst things come out of her mouth or from her actions... Maybe that's why I think of her as both a cold reptile and life-giving tree (dryad). And of course I imagine I have the potential to be like that at as well.