Wisdom from Sensei

I can pretty much agree with T that this is definitely Mom:


A bit more perspective on narcissism. With all personality disorder diagnoses, there is usually some breakdown in parent-child emotional bonding in the development of narcissistic tendencies which begets the compensatory desire-merging-into-belief one is special/entitled/privileged. It may come about because of contradictory messages from the caregiver(s); one says “You’re great” while the other says “You suck/I don’t love you”. The child naturally wants the “you’re great” message and in adulthood will replay the drama of needing admiration and rejecting negative feedback while behaving selfishly in ways that guarantee more negative feedback. In adulthood, others may get cast in quasi-parental roles (without knowing they are even in a play) in the narcissist’s attempts to heal the narcissistic wound and, when they inevitably fail to do so, may be chastised or discarded as the individual projects the internalized negative message outward (projecting it onto others) and, in various ways, tells those who fail to love her adequately “you suck/I don’t love you”. The narcissist is always given mixed messages in childhood, and goes on to constantly give others mixed messages (e.g., I want to give you a house versus I want you to give me money/love/admiration in return; I will take care of your needs versus I want you to take care of my needs.) In their childhood world, love was always contingent, therefore that’s how they exhibit love, as a series of contingent negotiations where every worm they throw out has a hook imbedded in it. Love must be coerced through symbols (e.g., money, possessions), not given and received freely. But, because most people don’t respond well to this approach, there is constant reinforcement of the narcissistic wound because no one can give them the love that will heal it. You can be their fan or an acolyte, but you can never be allowed to relate to them as an equal. Often, this person never felt securely loved in childhood, and doesn’t know how to have that kind of relationship. They live in a world where, to get what they want, they have to make deals that have nothing to do with what they really want.

I think narcissists frequently lie to others but their lies become “true” to them as a part of a life narrative of “I’m great, YOU suck” because their versions of events always reinforce their view of themselves and their relationships to others. In a sense, they keep lying to themselves, too, to maintain the fiction that they are great and loveable. Thus, it is difficult to argue with them about the relationship because they will reject or jettison any logic or detail in your argument that doesn’t fit their biography in which they are both hero and victim. Most of us do this to a more limited extent, but the narcissist can’t tolerate the self-examination because they are working so hard to project how great they are that it would be exposing the wound at their centre to allow any critique.

I know a university professor who ended up causing a lot of harm to her graduate students because she saw them as soldiers in her army, so whenever they didn’t toe the line they were punished verbally. When a series of students quit working with her sought new advisors, she could not identify any responsibility on her part for these relationship breakdowns; her answer was she had a lot of “weak students”. There was no insight there at all into the fact that what all those problems had in common was her and her behaviour. There are also borderline characteristics in that individual, as there seem to be in your mother’s situation, but I think the narcissism component is more difficult because the individual defends the ego against any and all challenges, rather than questioning whether they might be part of the problem. Borderline pd clients will often seek help, narcissists won’t admit they need any and won’t accept help if it challenges them to examine their own behaviour. They are selfish and even that they redraw as altruism. Thus, your mother buys these properties ostensibly to “give” each of you a house, but her goal is to make money for her self and for you to “give” something back to her; part of the money, gratitude, favours. It’s an extreme form of the behaviour wherein one gives presents so as to get them; the goal is getting something and giving is just another means of doing that. This professor also saw herself as highly ethical and even taught ethics while behaving unethically toward students. She did not see the contradiction and students feared her because she could become quite punishing if she didn’t get her way. She viewed the world in terms of allies/acolytes and enemies. Does she sound a lot like your mother?

Read up on narcissistic and borderline p.d., and maybe you can clarify for them what it is they are dealing with and how to deal with it more effectively. And try to develop some compassion (without necessarily moving to guilt and doing things you don’t feel right about), since she was not born this way but made this way by some childhood dynamic she does not even understand and likely cannot tolerate examining. As strong and fear-inducing as she may be to you and your siblings, if this is her situation then she is not strong; the strength is an illusion she created. Her behaviour of roping you guys into things is an expression of need.