The Sun Comes Out

I sent the following message to my parents:

Dear Mom and Dad,

You have requested to get in contact with me by phone.  However, I don’t feel this is something I can do anymore.  I am willing to communicate with email for now. 

The simple answer to your question ‘why’ is when I am talking to the two of you:

-       Dad rarely, if ever, has anything to say.

-       Mom is normally in control of the conversation.

-       When I get through a phone call, I don’t feel good about myself.  So in an effort to protect myself I am restricting myself to email.

This has been a long time coming.  It was always coming to this.  I’ve had a lot of turmoil in my soul for a long time.  Now I do not.

Sincerely,

Holly

Surprisingly they just responded with this reply below...  Notice how you can't tell WHO is actually writing this article.  It used to be that Dad only communicated with me by email.  Now it looks like my mother saturates everything...

PARENTS:

Hi, just wanted to ask how your health is these days. Is the stress level/migraine situation any better? Has your bronchial condition improved? Has Bruiser been voted the best-lookin' dog on earth yet? Oh yes, and we're still wondering when David's birthday is so we can send him a card. We accidentally missed getting a card to you for your birthday, Holly - don't want that to happen again! (we were in the middle of moving for the 2nd time in a 6-month period) Sorry! Love, Mm & Dd (we're learning textese!) 

ME: 

I feel much better lately. It actually took me about three weeks to get my voice back to normal.

Bruiser didn't get nearly enough votes, but oh well! lol We don't care, because WE think he's the best! 8D I suppose if I really really tried and campaigned as though I was trying to become Prime Minister it might have happened. But he's a dog and doesn't care for the publicity!

PARENTS:

Dear Holly, we are glad to hear your chest problem & vice are getting better again. As you know, we keep quite busy with our rentals. That isn't a topic to discuss but does as usual take up a fair amount of time. Also, we have been extremely slowly unpacking because we were tired of it 2 times in row. So, we cut ourselves some slack and told ourselves to do it only as we could feel up to it. Finally, now, all the boxes in the living room are unpacked. We are just starting to put the pictures up. There a half-dozen boxes in the bedroom to unpack. Pictures need put up everywhere. A few boxes are left in the garage. Upon returning from Florida, an intense 2 weeks got us caught up on our income tax. We go for a walk most days. Dad works out once a week or so at the local pool and fitness centre for less than $3 per session. Mom swims once a week for the same cost. We miss Snifter for our walks, but he trained us well. Mom goes out for dinner at different restaurants once a month with the ex-sewing ladies group. Besides that we try to go out with Chris to a movie or some such event once a month. He mainly is a loner so we like to keep in contact. He comes here Sundays for supper and usually one other short visit during the week. The weather has been about 5 degrees lower than it should be since the start of February and the sun is coming out less than predicted. This week they predict some some sun every day, but we Island citizens, while skeptical, appreciate that soon that will be the case. Most of the rain has been gone for a couple of weeks. Mom & Dad both go to Margie's to play games and have lovely meals there. She loves making meals for friends and family. We've had to our previous house for meals. When we are a little more caught up with unpacking, we'll have her here. We have been buying a pizza and taking dessert over there until then. The 3rd friend with cancer, Elaine, looks like her operation proved successful. She is one of 3 friends to survive, but unfortunately her husband had a stroke and at present she has to put pads on him, take him allover for therapies by car. She has to do all the regular living work, plus help him in and out of the car. He doesn't always lean correctly in his walker, so falls at present are a risk. We all hope and pray that he'll gradually get stronger. After the stroke, he had to go on antidepressants which changed his whole outlook to a positive one and so he is doing better with his therapies. He loves to sing Christian songs for inspiration. Dad has very little yard work to do on this low maintenance but beautiful yard with mostly perennials. He'll have only a small section to mow (we are getting our own lawn mower). We'll be looking for a few perennials for the hill in our back yard and gradually will paint the deck or Chris will. We had to get a guy to empty the eaves troughs of leaves and debris so the winter runoff would be away from the foundation which of course we did in Regina for snow and rain but here is just for rain pretty much. We have nice neighbours in the bay, who say hello and chat but mostly keep to themselves which we like. There is only one couple we might bet involved more with a time goes on. We'll see. Occasionally we meet with other friends who we knew in Regina years ago. Love, Mom & Dad

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And also I wrote to this link: http://hubpages.com/hub/Do-You-Have-a-Narcissistic-Mother

I totally agree with everyone above.  After some lengthy psychology counseling and support from my husband and other family members (most if not all) I am finally at a stage in my life where I accept that my mother is ill and there isn't much I can do about it.  She is her own worst enemy.  It's almost as though she is an alien from another planet, to the point where I think she may not only be Narcissistic but also has some tendencies toward Psychopathy.  My dad is her enabler.  I am not 100% sure what to do, but the fact that they live two provinces away from me helps, and I have blocked their phone number so they can no longer call me.  It doesn't matter anyway, because even though both my parents are on the line, it is my mother controlling the conversation and my dad doesn't seem to have a thing to say to me.  He always let her get away with any type of behaviour and never stuck up for me, or took my side, or his own side, or any side except hers.  For a long time I knew my mother was sick, and felt 'oh she doesn't know any better' and because of this was easy to manipulate out of guilt.  Trying to reason with her is like talking to a person with an addictive personality (you CAN'T reason with a drunk person or any person whose perceptions are filtered in such a way as to create fact out of fiction) or talking to a wall.  She may appear apologetic or remorseful, but how can a person who doesn't understand what they are doing wrong be truly sorry for something they did?  What she really feels is resentment and frustration and anger when she creates those very same feelings in other people.  At some level though, I think she DOES know what she is doing.  Sometimes she behaves as though she is clueless, but at the same time there are levels of conscious effort to deceive or hide truth or undermine.  I am not sure what to think anymore, but I can't let guilt rule me anymore.  I'm tired of feeling badly about myself after talking with her, or trying to defend my ideas and actions and way of life.  Basically any time we talk it is like a collision of forces.  She is the immovable force, always, because she never relents, never bends, never tries to compromise.  It is usually me who ends up doing the compromising.  I'm constantly biting my tongue because if I protest something she says, it's an instant argument.  Constant struggle.  Always a battle that you're never going to win. No peace.  Well she no longer has any power over me.  She never really did.  It just took me a long time to figure it out for myself.

I have Blocked my Mother's Phone Calls

http://counsellingresource.com/ask-the-psychologist/2009/02/02/controlling-manipulative-mother/

• Dealing with a controller/manipulator is like being arrested — everything you say can and will be used against you! If you reduce information provided to your mother to grocery-store level, which I recommend — such as the weather, school activities of the children, etc. — she will encourage your sister to pump you for information. To manage this situation, you must control the information presented to all family members, perhaps saving your private information for your non-family best friend.
• Assume that any time you challenge your mother, you will be punished in some manner. Her punishment can be verbal confrontation, the silent treatment, increasing her activities with your sister’s family, or being excluded. Remember that while men are prone to physical aggression, women are prone to “relational aggression” — using relationship features to punish or attack others by alienation, spreading rumors, exclusion, etc. She is mostly concerned with her feelings and for that reason, will intentionally justify doing something she knows will hurt your feelings.
• Your mother will be threatened and jealous if you and your sister have a good relationship. If you and your sister decide to do something as sisters, without your mother, one of you will be punished. Controllers demand to be the center of attention and when that doesn’t happen, they retaliate.
• Having a controlling parent is rather toxic to our self-esteem and self-worth, as you mention. If you are slowly developing self-confidence, your sister may not be able to help you break away. She may still be focusing on keeping Mother happy. You’ll need to break away on your own and for this reason, professional counseling may be helpful. I’d recommend reading my introduction to personality disorders on this website as well as reading related questions by selecting this topic from the list of popular topics in the sidebar of the page. Millions of healthy adults must deal with a controlling and/or manipulative parent or relative.
• Your mother behaves in a way that is to her benefit, as you describe. For this reason, you may need to accept the fact that as you become more healthy and independent, she will have less contact with your children and family. She will go where her selfish needs are met and where she has more control. Redesign your family to include other healthy families and their children. In life, we have the family we are given…and we have the family we create from those around us.

After My Uncle Passed Away

To my Dad's Facebook account:

I finally got my laptop working but I don't have everyone's email addresses yet, so sorry if I sent this through Facebook.

Aunt Linda said Paul passed away in Hawaii, and I just wanted to let you know and wanted to convey my sympathies. I'm not sure how to feel right now, as I wasn't that close to him the last 10 years, but I still tear up a bit when I remember he was a sweet guy who let us use his house to stay in, and he picked me up at the airport once, and I really enjoyed his company and Laurel's when we visited or when we were kids he would come over and visit at Gramma's & Grampa's house during the holidays.

I guess Laurel is in Hawaii and has to figure out how to transport him back to Canada, but at least she has a good friend with her.

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That's always been interesting to me, that mom claims she never reads emails, yet today shortly after I sent this email, she called and said she was 'breaking her own rule' and calling me because there was a death in the family. Seems lately whenever I do send an email I get a phone call a few minutes later from her and, wow, what are the chances, it's JUST exactly the subject that was in the email I had just sent.

Strange that in the message she left on our answering machine she didn't mention WHO passed away. So if in fact I had not sent this message to her in the first place, I would hope she would at least have bothered to mention who in the family had passed away. Dad? Gramma? Chris? Seems like a mean way to try to entice someone to call them back. Sort of similar as her asking me to lie to Robin and tell him she had a raging case of cancer when clearly she did not, as she was still going to Florida and was using a cream to get rid of it. Also as barmy as when she told a renter of hers that she had cancer. My husband has had chunks of cancer on his back removed. Friends and relatives of ours have died of cancer. A sane person would not use cancer to manipulate people.

Then she said in the phone message to 'make sure I have had a good rest and done everything to take care of myself' before calling HER. Well, I am not sure why this has anything to do with HER. It's to do with Paul. It's to do with Dad  because he is Paul's brother. I sometimes shake my head at how much of an idiot she thinks I am. When she sent an email to me about what so-and-so said about construction, I know it is mom telling dad what to type, because dad isn't the type to be nosy and go around fishing for information to 'help' us with things we already have well in hand. Also I don't need to get mailed envelopes telling me I should get more exercise. Mom always did that, because she always has to be in control. She has to be right about everything, and she has to be listened to, or the world falls apart.

By the way, I believe it was me who said 'don't call us, we'll call you' not the other way around. And it was only because when calling that house or getting a call from their house, it's mom who takes over the conversation, and who controls everything. I'd like to talk to my dad once in a while, but apparently he's only there when my mother is not. Otherwise he just sits there listening to the conversation and letting whatever happens to come out of her mouth unfold.

NPD/Psychosis - relating to mom and dad

Mom - taken in part from the website http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/29808.php

� The onset of narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers.

-- my mother claims she was sexually abused by her grandfather. There may have been one occasion where her own father physically abused her (he beat her with a cord from a vacuum cleaner). She claims she was never really loved just for being herself but only for accomplishments like good marks. On the other hand, if she could not feel love in the first place, that may be part of the problem.

� Narcissists are either "cerebral" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) or "somatic" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests").

-- I believe my mother would be closer to the "cerebral."

� Narcissists are either "classic" [see definition below] or they are "compensatory", or "inverted" [see definitions here: "The Inverted Narcissist"].

� The classic narcissist is self-confident, the compensatory narcissist covers up in his haughty behaviour for a deep-seated deficit in self-esteem, and the inverted type is a co-dependent who caters to the emotional needs of a classic narcissist.

-- Mom definitely comes across as confident and haughty, whereas my dad definitely caters to her, so to me sounds like the inverted type of narcissist... Never thought of him as narcissistic, though. I always thought of him as more of a willing victim.

� NPD is treated in talk therapy (psychodynamic or cognitive-behavioural). The prognosis for an adult narcissist is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Medication is applied to side-effects and behaviours (such as mood or affect disorders and obsession-compulsion) - usually with some success.

The ICD-10, the International Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders, published by the World Health Organisation in Geneva [1992] regards Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as "a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics". It relegates it to the category "Other Specific Personality Disorders" together with the eccentric, "haltlose", immature, passive-aggressive, and psychoneurotic personality disorders and types.

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By Sam Vaknin

Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

The American Psychiatric Association, based in Washington D.C., USA, publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) [2000] where it provides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The DSM defines NPD as "an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts."

The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. For NPD to be diagnosed, five (or more) of these criteria must be met.

[In the text below, I have proposed modifications to the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder.]

[My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSM-IV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.]

[Click here to download a bibliography of the studies and research regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) on which I based my proposed revisions.]

Proposed Amended Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder

� Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements);

-- definitely always wanting to be thought of as the superior for dispensing advice, and she will gather as much information as she can about things, even though others seldom appreciate her efforts. She then asserts that what she wants is true, because someone else supports what she says.

� Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

� Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

-- she does tend to try to associate herself with other people who are considered well-known, etc. However she tends to drive a wedge between herself and them, and eventually is left on her own again to look for somewhere else. Lately she's gone to live in BC, because the people she associates with there are all "like her." I think it's really because she is desperate to have some kind of closeness to someone, and she knows one woman from university who befriended her. This woman (Margie) knows a lot of other people and is very popular. I think that when Margie finally gets to see my mother "close up" she will do what everyone else does when they get to know the real Sandi: run away, screaming.

� Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

-- definitely, if not the first, then perhaps unintentionally the latter.

� Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment; � Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

-- definitely. If you don't do what she wants then you are against her, you don't love her, etc. One cannot have one's own soul and opinions, lest they conflict with her. Also she likes to say things like "don't tell your father, but..." or "your brothers are terrible, I hope you all have girls..."

� Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

-- definitely. Never seems to think about what comes out of her mouth. It's like no one else's feelings exist on the same plain as hers.

� Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

-- she has done so to Grace, Doris (my aunt), and most relatives, and now Gramma. Grace is the wife of my brother Robin. Doris is my dad's aunt and his mother -- all of these women are seen as threats to my mom's relationships.

� Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

-- definitely. She thinks she is entitled to evading taxes, entitled to pay employees less, entitled to not fix their properties that they own, etc... Thinks she is entitled to calling me up out of the blue and to scurry about for her on a whim.

By Sam Vaknin

Author of "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"

AUTHOR BIO

Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.
Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

A New Year: emails from our from our friend who is a psychologist:

Emails between me and our friend who is a psychologist (my husband and I are fond of him)...  To read these emails in their correct order, you have to read from the original email post upward to the top post.

From: T

Sent: Tuesday, January 04, 2011 3:01 PM

To: Holly

Subject: RE: Welcome Back

Re: Donna Leon, those are just phrases you’ve heard she’s used for titles as you’ve discovered. RE: Raising Cain, I think it was also the title of a horror movie starring John Lithgow, but I could be wrong.

You should write your memoirs. Add in some alien encounters and past life regressions just to spice it up, and maybe a torrid adolescent relationship with a famous personage, now dead, but preferably this would have occurred while they were still alive. Hey, there’s a good title for your memoirs “A Famous Personage, Now Dead”. Don’t bother to thank me. But I would read your memoirs on my new Kobo. Maybe I would be in there as the cool but often inebriated-seeming therapist-dude who provided a useful object lesson in How Not to Cope With Your Issues.

Please don’t apologise for “selling” me on Kobo, I don’t mind at all. But you could sell them if you wanted because you’re so keen. 

-----Original Message-----
From: Holly 
Sent: January 4, 2011 12:33 PM
To: T
Subject: Re: Welcome Back

lol

So I take it you read "American on Purpose" which is an awesome book. I am next going to hunt down "Between the Bridge and the River." I have read a few reviews and I'm deeply intrigued. I hadn't realized "Raising Cain" was about the care and feeding of boys' mental health... I didn't think I'd heard of Donna Leon, but when I Googled her I did recognize at least the titles "Suffer the Little Children," and "Through a Glass, Darkly," ... Unless those are just phrases I've heard before from whence they might have been borrowed. I know I've heard the first from the bible and the second from somewhere, and when I Googled just the title, I found a LOT of authors used the same title for completely different subjects... lol Cool.

It seems I am fascinated about memoirs lately. I've already had a few free tidbits sent to me from my dad's side of the family on weird stuff my mom did when we were little that I didn't even remember, except perhaps in very fragmented bits, and at least one goofy thing that I remember but I wasn't actually in the midst of the action taking place, just sort of an observer and listener of what was going on. It might have had to do with some odd thing that I thought was normal because my mom thought it was normal. lol I did a lot of observing. Anyway, my point is, I am sure I can get a lot of information from at least one side of my family to get some of my memory back, but not from my perspective. Which means I might even write up my own private memoir. I don't think I want to actually try to sell it. It's probably not as interesting as Jeannette Walls' or Craig Ferguson's life. lol It would just satisfy me because I'd know more about what the heck happened in my good old days.

Um, yeah, sorry if I came across like a Kobo salesperson, I just love the darn thing dearly. I was just blurting out what I was thinking about it, not from any manual. Just from what I learned about it in the short time I've had it. And David will probably be getting one soon because otherwise he's got some books downloaded on there. Mind you he can read them while I am at work, so we're testing this arrangement out. Who knows, I may take up reading at work between calls. If there is such a thing.

Anyways, catch you later... I might check out a few of those book titles you mentioned...

-Holls-

From: T

Sent: Tuesday, January 04, 2011 11:57 AM

To: Holly

Subject: RE: Welcome Back

Heidy-Holly;

Oh, oh, oh, I got Craig Ferguson’s book for Xmas, read it in about a day and a half with interruptions. Really enjoyed it. Haven’t been able to stay up as much lately to watch him but it seems like reruns now anyway. 

Right now am reading several things at once, including “Raising Cain” about care/feeding of boys’ mental health, a book on repairing Triumph motorbikes, have just finished a mystery by Donna Leon set in Venice (have read about 8 of hers in past few months, current addictive junk food for brain), now trying to decide what to add to the pile. Have this one called “The Great Game” about British and other imperial powers in Afghanistan during the 1800’s, recommended by Christopher Hitchens whose writing I admire from Vanity Fair. He has a book out about his atheism I might have to read as well. I have a bunch of psych reading to do I am putting off, even though it looks interesting.

(My wife) has been reading her Julia Child cookbook (and making things!) and something else the title of which escapes me at present. She’s waiting for “Shopaholic and Baby” to come out in paperback for her collection.

I am not reading any books by drug-addled guitar players, but I thought I would like to read “Keef’s” book once it’s in paperback. 

You should be selling Kobos, you make a good case for them. Or are you just typing in the manual to me?

T

-----Original Message-----
From: Holly 
Sent: January 3, 2011 4:23 PM
To: T  

Subject: Re: Welcome Back

Heya T!

lol Sorry, I'm writing again! lol

We got our Kobo at Chapters... I wouldn't read it while out for supper, though, I agree with you, seems like bad form. We have a friend with a crackberry. It's constantly ringing when he's talking to us and he texts on it and such. I don't like texting anyways, I figure if you are going to use a phone to communicate, use the talking end: it's a helluva lot faster and easier, if you ask me.

The practicality of a Kobo is that you can have a thousand books on it that don't clutter up your house, or luggage when you travel, and can fit in your brief case (or in my case, my purse)... It does come with a hundred free books (the classics like Twain, for instance) and the cost to buy newer books is relatively inexpensive than an actual new hardcover book. And our savvy friend showed us a converter called 'calibre' that can convert non-ePub files (that are compatible for Kobo) into said ePub files and therefore you might find even less expensive books. It's wireless. Also saves on shipping if you order, or gas if you go to the store. Oh and you can shop on it without using the computer, or just search for free books on it. It's lovely: it saves your page for you, allows you to show all the books you're currently reading, shows the percentage of how much you've read... It seems pretty user friendly to me, and I figure if I can learn it pretty much anyone can. I read Walls and Ferguson's auto-biographies back to back in three days all told... Or maybe it was four.

I don't know so much about iPad, it doesn't have a USB port so I don't know how you'd download something from the computer if you ever needed to, and I also heard it doesn't have a space for a memory chip. Kobo has both. iPad seems cool, but I have a feeling a better version will be coming out.

You may have heard of those books from when Craig Ferguson had Jeannette Walls on his show. That's where we heard about them, anyway. I think I'm more like Jeannette and Jeannette's gramma, and Jeannette's mom is like my mom. Not sure where her dad and my dad fit in, other than bowing to mom's will and trying to make her happy.

David might have to get one now, because he likes it, too! lol He has 'Life' by Keith Richards and 'The Heroin Diaries' by Nikki Sixx... He's just finished the book by Slash, called, conveniently, 'Slash.' It's similar to what happened to Craig Ferguson's 'American On Purpose' but perhaps amplified somewhat... lol

Currently I've been reading a rather dry, meandering, but somewhat interesting history of Bryson's called "At Home." I wouldn't mind also reading the one he as called "A Short History of Nearly Everything." But it's over 500 pages and I've been reading it for 2 days and I'm only 33% through, so I took a break and read "Mind of the Raven" by Bernd Heinrich that was lent to me.

Have you any books you've read lately, or that you really like? You may have already told me, but perhaps you can remind me.

Anyways, I'm toddling off now, going to get supper on, methinks...

-Holls-
 

From: T

Sent: Monday, January 03, 2011 2:52 PM

To: Holly

Subject: RE: Welcome Back

I’ve heard of these books, can’t remember why but I think Colette was going to read one of them. So, you like the Kobo? My friend has an ipad and was showing me stuff on it before the holidays. I think I want one of the electronic books but I want to hold actual books in my sweaty hands too, so I am conflicted about technology. I do have a Blackberry, and sort of know how to text and stuff. I am not yet addicted to it, though one person I know calls it a “Crackberry”. 

So I go to places, see two people sitting together, both on their phones texting or emailing or whatever to someone else, and I wonder “Why are you here with this person, texting someone else?” It seems rude, but maybe that’s the new standard. Still, an ipod for books has some appeal because I could carry around the Oxford and settle arguments about words for strangers in bars. 

Here are some other new/old inventions:

The Toaster--ipod for bread.

The Weasel—ipod for chickens.

or

The Condom--ipod for…..oh never mind.

Stop me now before I go viral. Oh wait, here’s another one. The Virus—ipod for disease. Ha. I could go on and on. 

-----Original Message-----
From: Holly

Sent: December 31, 2010 12:31 PM
To: T
Subject: Welcome Back
 

Wow... I read Jeannette Wall's 'Glass Castles.' Her mom was a lot like my mom. I wonder if it had anything to do nutritional deficiencies... But they chose to live as dirt poor before they lived that way, so I think their minds (poor judgement) led them to be that poor. I swear the dad reminds me of my brother Chris.

Nice thing is their children certainly were normal. As soon as they made enough money to get out of that hell-hole, they thrived.

I read the book about Jeannette's gramma. Lily didn't act at all like her daughter (Jeanette's mom). Although I got a sneaking suspicion that Lily's sister had something a little wrong with her, too. So maybe it was a bit genetic.

That one about her gramma is called 'Half-Broke Horses.' Both books are awesome. I have a Kobo now, so I can read books where ever and when ever! 8D The iPod for books, I call it.

-Holls-

Shipwreck

Wednesday, July 7, 2010 at 8:03am

It felt like

the weight of the ocean

pushing

yet weightless

just below the oxygen

Tide pulling and pushing

whichever way

Dead coral sinking into

flesh

rending

salt from red blood

mixing with the blue laconic sea

until it appeared dissolved and dispersed

Sunlight may have been coming through the surface

reflecting

It might have been beautiful

Just not sure if my eyes were seeing

or if I could hear anything other than water hitting the beach

a slow muted heartbeat

Hanging there

like a reverse jellyfish

feeling stinging from everywhere

on a skinless transparent body

Finally washed up on shore

a pile of bones

Almost forgot I had them

So stripped bare

washed clean

so bleached by sun

left to the elements

that even the scavengers

didn't nibble on me...

What was left of my soul

sensed somehow

another skeleton beside me

blank eyes in a white skull

jaw slack

I reached out with what I could

and somehow relayed

Don't worry, love

We will be able to embrace

Once the flesh grows back
 

Parents went to BC

Ah... Peace...

Short version of the story:

For years I have wanted to get my name off the title. I didn't want to be someone who owned property with my mother. I felt I was mislead or at least I didn't understand the complexities of being on a title with them, nor did I want any responsibilities in relation to being on the title, perceived or real. To this day I don't know if what my mother told me was a mistake or if she intended to mislead me. I will never know for sure if she really knew that there would be no loss of money to all three parties on the title if I removed my name, and was just telling me I would cause great financial loss to everyone involved if I didn't stay on the title...

After finding out that my parents are indeed moving to BC, I felt I had to rush things. David and I checked with a lawyer and sure enough there were some discrepancies in what she told us. After a relatively benign confrontation with my mom and dad, she basically had to go along with what I wanted because now both dad and I know what is going on.

My mom still tried to bribe me into telling her why I really wanted to get my name off the title. "Since we are paying this to you, I was wondering if you could tell me why you really want to take your name off the title." I stood firm: I said my reasons were always the same and had never changed. It had nothing to do with anyone else influencing me. She paid us $200 so we could process the paperwork. If she hadn't signed what she did then we would have not been able to remove my name from the title and even if I had, some of the forms she signed allowed me to pay the reduced fee instead of the full $600.

This whole thing with the paperwork and my parents moving coincided with things happening at work and some financial difficulties. So I was a bit of a wreck. Thank GOD I have David beside me, or I would be a puddle of pain.

Well, as a result of all the turmoil going on, here is the painting I was working on before my parents left...

JUL10, 2010: PERSONA; (16 X 20")







... Some details of the painting below...




An email thread regarding this painting:  to read it in its chronological order read from the bottom original email and then upward...

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From: T

Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 11:13 AM

To: Holly

Subject: RE: A painting from Holly

Yup, that answers my question. I think you are (or strive to be) and honest person, but you feel like you have to deal with your mother as a dishonest person. (“She can’t handle the truth!!”) So you get squeezed by your morals on one side and your experience of trying to be honest with her on the other side, and you end up a Holly sandwich of misery. 

So here’s the challenge: somehow working toward melding your inner self and your persona you project to the world. Yes, that can repel some people when it’s painful because they can’t deal with it, or it can repel you because you feel too exposed. You try to filter it, let out a bit to people you feel you can trust, but for you trusting people is fraught with risk because, hey, you can’t trust your own mother! But hey, you found David and he has his wounds and he is funny and brave and just goes “Here I am!” And I’m sure he pays a price for that willingness to be vulnerable, but his openness and honesty is why you trust him and you help and support each other deal with the fall-out from your respective crazy parents. 

So, to allow yourself to do that (where your inner self is pretty much the same as your outer persona, only wearing pants and sensible shoes, guitar optional) is a good goal, even if some supposed friends can’t handle it. Well, to hell with ‘em. They are still acquaintances, then, not true friends. True friends would say “Holly, I can’t handle your pain, stop crying or I have to come back later when you’ve got it under control”, or “Holly, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about but have some chocolate or wine, you sound miserable”, or “Holly, that sucks, what can I do to help?”. True friends will tell you the truth about what they feel; you don’t have to guess, even if you didn’t like what you heard. You need that kind of friends, not pseudo-friends who withdraw when you are struggling or nail garlic and crosses to the door to keep you out. You are more interesting than they are anyway. Complex people are interesting, but sometimes hard to read because they hide their internal selves even from themselves; you can be complex and transparent too. It’s a lot less work. It’s more fun. You don’t have to apologise. You do not suck.

And your situation only seemed extreme because you tried to hold in all those emotions to the bursting point. But you can let a lot out in your art without saying anything. Man, I could feel it looking at that painting, that’s good art. I didn’t really need to “understand” it, because I still “get” it. Pretense, especially where YOU don’t feel YOU are being authentic, is your enemy. If you were protecting David or yourself by hiding how you feel, you were just falling into a trap of thinking your feelings (a) don’t count and (b) aren’t acceptable. Well, if that is a lesson you were taught as a kid, it is like someone taught you the earth is flat.

So, how can you be honest with your Mom (“I want my name off this title”) without telling her the whole truth (Because I don’t trust you and I think you’re scamming Revenue Canada)? You are learning how. It gets easier with practice. Holly, in my line of work, I occasionally have to work with people who have a lot of problems and who aren’t very nice to people. I try to tell them the truth when they ask my opinion, because I don’t know if they have any friends who will. 

Sometimes this hurts them. If I lied to them, they might feel better temporarily, keep doing what they’re doing (justified that a Psychologist said they were right), and end up even worse off. But sometimes, I give them the truth in bite-sized portions because I am not sure they can digest it all at once. So, you can piece it out to your mom over time, to the extent she demonstrates she can take it. She does not want to see herself as the villain, so in her mind she isn’t and therefore she rejects or reframes negative information to feel good about herself. This is kind of what you’ve been practicing, as I see it. So far, so good. Karma-wise, she left town, so you must be doing something right.

Blah blah blah. I am on holidays for two weeks starting next week. Not sure when I am seeing you guys again, but enjoy your summer such as it is. See you soon.
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-----Original Message-----
From: Holly Sent: July 13, 2010 6:49 PM
To: T
Subject: Re: A painting from Holly

Hallo... Thanks for asking, T...

Well, the mask may have appeared completely white at one time: how perhaps I appeared all happy-happy to everyone at one time... But as you can see, it's slowly being eaten away by various elements: emotions, time, wear and tear... I wanted the red & texture to signify pain, blood and musculature. I could see through my own mask and it hurt, it felt like things were getting peeled away, as though it was skinned alive, I guess you can say. I also felt that my mask was starting to slip (heh crack up) and I was a bit afraid that I would freak some people out. I felt like whatever was behind that persona was going to burst out any time, as the strain was starting to force things through to the outside from the inside. The crevice was as dark as I felt my inner thoughts and fears were.

I guess the regions around the outside of the mask could be interpreted as my inner universe and inner thoughts. 

Originally the left side of the negative space was white, but red bleeds into it: I kept telling myself I have to be deceitful or I won't survive, but I hate being deceitful. The other side is black, void of colour, empty. Sometimes I would feel the pain and emptiness at once, sometimes one or the other. There is a little bit of white where the stars/light sort of leak through the crack. I am still not completely without hope. Some of the pain may bring some healing. It just hurts to deal with it right now.

I was tired of pretending things were good at work, tired of pretending things were good at home... But I most intensely disliked feeling what I felt at certain times with my mother and yet simultaneously felt like a horrid person when I didn't disclose how I really felt; and then there was the pain that if I did actually tell her what I was feeling, it wouldn't do me any good because she wouldn't listen anyway and somehow what I said would be twisted into something else in her head. And she wishes we two were best buds. Ha! I couldn't talk to anyone at work about my life at home (believe me, the few I mentioned some details to now avoid me or don't talk to me as much anymore, other than small talk)... I didn't want to talk to anyone else outside of work for the same thing. I had some really good friends who hadn't really talked to me in a really long time. I really am tired of telling people my problems and then they avoid me. Hence the mask. Oh yes, everything's just peachy. Nothing to see here. I would rather feel pain than scare everyone away.

Now that the most daunting of my issues has moved to BC, and the paperwork is finalized and confirmed, and David's business is picking up, and he's even thinking of getting another part time job during the week... So work doesn't seem nearly so horribly stressful anymore. lol

I am not sure if that is EXACTLY how you meant by your question... lol

-Holly-
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From: T

Sent: Tuesday, July 13, 2010 4:16 PM

To: Holly

Subject: RE: A painting from Holly

Like the painting very much, although it is bit daunting. Do you have a conception of what the split represents or what the halves represent? 
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-----Original Message-----
From: Holly 

Sent: July 11, 2010 8:15 PM
To: T
Subject: A painting from Holly

I call it Persona... I'm afraid things are a bit obvious with this one... lol

And it was how I was feeling before, not how I feel now...