I can pretty much agree with T that this is definitely Mom:
A bit more perspective on narcissism. With all personality disorder diagnoses, there is usually some breakdown in parent-child emotional bonding in the development of narcissistic tendencies which begets the compensatory desire-merging-into-belief one is special/entitled/privileged. It may come about because of contradictory messages from the caregiver(s); one says “You’re great” while the other says “You suck/I don’t love you”. The child naturally wants the “you’re great” message and in adulthood will replay the drama of needing admiration and rejecting negative feedback while behaving selfishly in ways that guarantee more negative feedback. In adulthood, others may get cast in quasi-parental roles (without knowing they are even in a play) in the narcissist’s attempts to heal the narcissistic wound and, when they inevitably fail to do so, may be chastised or discarded as the individual projects the internalized negative message outward (projecting it onto others) and, in various ways, tells those who fail to love her adequately “you suck/I don’t love you”. The narcissist is always given mixed messages in childhood, and goes on to constantly give others mixed messages (e.g., I want to give you a house versus I want you to give me money/love/admiration in return; I will take care of your needs versus I want you to take care of my needs.) In their childhood world, love was always contingent, therefore that’s how they exhibit love, as a series of contingent negotiations where every worm they throw out has a hook imbedded in it. Love must be coerced through symbols (e.g., money, possessions), not given and received freely. But, because most people don’t respond well to this approach, there is constant reinforcement of the narcissistic wound because no one can give them the love that will heal it. You can be their fan or an acolyte, but you can never be allowed to relate to them as an equal. Often, this person never felt securely loved in childhood, and doesn’t know how to have that kind of relationship. They live in a world where, to get what they want, they have to make deals that have nothing to do with what they really want.
I think narcissists frequently lie to others but their lies become “true” to them as a part of a life narrative of “I’m great, YOU suck” because their versions of events always reinforce their view of themselves and their relationships to others. In a sense, they keep lying to themselves, too, to maintain the fiction that they are great and loveable. Thus, it is difficult to argue with them about the relationship because they will reject or jettison any logic or detail in your argument that doesn’t fit their biography in which they are both hero and victim. Most of us do this to a more limited extent, but the narcissist can’t tolerate the self-examination because they are working so hard to project how great they are that it would be exposing the wound at their centre to allow any critique.
I know a university professor who ended up causing a lot of harm to her graduate students because she saw them as soldiers in her army, so whenever they didn’t toe the line they were punished verbally. When a series of students quit working with her sought new advisors, she could not identify any responsibility on her part for these relationship breakdowns; her answer was she had a lot of “weak students”. There was no insight there at all into the fact that what all those problems had in common was her and her behaviour. There are also borderline characteristics in that individual, as there seem to be in your mother’s situation, but I think the narcissism component is more difficult because the individual defends the ego against any and all challenges, rather than questioning whether they might be part of the problem. Borderline pd clients will often seek help, narcissists won’t admit they need any and won’t accept help if it challenges them to examine their own behaviour. They are selfish and even that they redraw as altruism. Thus, your mother buys these properties ostensibly to “give” each of you a house, but her goal is to make money for her self and for you to “give” something back to her; part of the money, gratitude, favours. It’s an extreme form of the behaviour wherein one gives presents so as to get them; the goal is getting something and giving is just another means of doing that. This professor also saw herself as highly ethical and even taught ethics while behaving unethically toward students. She did not see the contradiction and students feared her because she could become quite punishing if she didn’t get her way. She viewed the world in terms of allies/acolytes and enemies. Does she sound a lot like your mother?
Read up on narcissistic and borderline p.d., and maybe you can clarify for them what it is they are dealing with and how to deal with it more effectively. And try to develop some compassion (without necessarily moving to guilt and doing things you don’t feel right about), since she was not born this way but made this way by some childhood dynamic she does not even understand and likely cannot tolerate examining. As strong and fear-inducing as she may be to you and your siblings, if this is her situation then she is not strong; the strength is an illusion she created. Her behaviour of roping you guys into things is an expression of need.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
My new Painting
Aug 28, 2008: URSA & LEO; Canvas & Acrylic (15X30")
I'm not sure what this one's about other than I can say of course there are two sides to everything.
Everything has it's opposite, and so I felt compelled to have Ursula = Queen = Cold North (but at the same time, the sun comes up behind her and lights everything up); Leo = King = Hot South (but at the same time, the cool night sky is behind him, and it makes him look as though he is glowing in the dark like an ember)...
This is probably more of a depiction of my own personality, not so much my mother & father's. I found it interesting that one associates URSA with the Northern Star, the Guide. LEO, on the other hand, the Ruler, or king of beasts (symbolizing perhaps control or overseer of the shadow?)seems to factor heavily in the constellations as well. The one thing they both seem to have in common is that there are certain points in the constellation that are actually a collection of stars.
It kind of reminds me a bit of Lord Valentine's Castle: the Robert Silverberg story mentions the Lady of the Isle, the Queen of Dreams - benevolent dreams that guide people in their lives; whereas the King of Dreams sends nightmares that torment the soul and punish.
My Central figure again depicts opposites, the light side of the shadow as well as the dark side. The shadow side is on the side of the Guide/Female and the light side is on the side of the Ruler/Male.
I still need to have time to understand my own paintings. lol Someday soon perhaps.
It really meant a lot to me when my Sensei T said: 'Beautiful. Your paint is now moving like your drawings, and it feels more alive, more like Holly.'
Splitting...
My inner Analyst is sitting there watching my 2 other selves...
The Analyst-Self watches the Self who is made of Stone. Stone-Self doesn't feel much of anything. Stuff bounces off her, and she's incredibly hard to crack. Only thing is, once she is cracked or a piece breaks off, it can't be fixed. The Analyst notices some stress lines.
Encased inside the Stone-Self, is the Water-Self. She's a mess. She's drowning in everything that's pouring into her little cell from all the little stress fractures in the Stone-Self. She's encased in this little stone prison, and she can barely breathe. She's frantically clawing at the side of the Stone-Self, trying to keep her head above water, trying not to drown. But all the humidity and rising tide is choking her.
The Analyst notices her struggles and wonders if this will cause the Stone-Self to crumble more quickly.
And what will happen if the Water-Self drowns? If the water builds up enough will this kill her and then cause the Stone-Self to crumble inward completely? The Analyst wonders also...
Someone is apparently aware of her as well. Another Self watches the Analyst and smiles a bemused, wry smile.
The Analyst-Self watches the Self who is made of Stone. Stone-Self doesn't feel much of anything. Stuff bounces off her, and she's incredibly hard to crack. Only thing is, once she is cracked or a piece breaks off, it can't be fixed. The Analyst notices some stress lines.
Encased inside the Stone-Self, is the Water-Self. She's a mess. She's drowning in everything that's pouring into her little cell from all the little stress fractures in the Stone-Self. She's encased in this little stone prison, and she can barely breathe. She's frantically clawing at the side of the Stone-Self, trying to keep her head above water, trying not to drown. But all the humidity and rising tide is choking her.
The Analyst notices her struggles and wonders if this will cause the Stone-Self to crumble more quickly.
And what will happen if the Water-Self drowns? If the water builds up enough will this kill her and then cause the Stone-Self to crumble inward completely? The Analyst wonders also...
Someone is apparently aware of her as well. Another Self watches the Analyst and smiles a bemused, wry smile.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Stone
I wasn't here
I was on another planet where I wasn't born out of reptilian slime
Where I was barely able to perceive my existence
Where the dark was formed by something other than oxygen
Where I was part of a mountain
I fell off the summit
Sloughed off in an avalanche
I was rough and sharp
But I fell to the bottom of a great expanse of liquid that was something like water
Sank to the bottom slowly and settled amoungst other stones
Comforting in the darkness
And how bouyant my weight felt
Letting time slowly smooth me down
And eventually I dissolved
I was just particles
Dispersed over great distances
Where eventually I came to rest
My atoms and minerals shining like diamonds across the planet
So I could see the whole sky sparkling back at me all at once
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Privacy Issues
After letting my brother and sister-in-law know what we were doing, they requested not to be involved, which is understandable under the circumstances... I took out everyone's names and just used their first initial to protect privacy.
Hey Holly,
Sounds good.
G recommends you contact a City of Regina Assessor and talk to them re: property values and quote only what the assessor has to say. G doesn't feel comfortable being quoted with the information she gave you, even if you say it came from someone else, especially because it's a VERY rough estimate and opinion, and she doesn't know how likely it is for an assessor to say those kinds of things about the house. Overall, we both feel it's best if we aren't involved in any way, for our sakes and for yours. Mom has a way of tripping us all up and finding things out (ie. that G gave you this info), and it can all wind up biting us in the butt somehow. So just call the City and get any info you can directly from them.
I also would ask that you remove the comments about how Mom got me to sign an apology to cover her sorry ass. Don't get me wrong, I would love to throw that in her fuckin face at any chance I can get but, this isn't the time or place.
We support you and will help you in any way we can that is good/healthy for all of us. If you have any questions about this email, or G's professional and personal opinion, or just need to vent, don't hesitate to call. We are here for you.
Love R
That being said, that means 'The Email' to mother would resemble this:
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
D and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states D (my husband) and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am not going to be coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When D (my husband) and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation D and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
I did this a lot: I write down stuff or rehearse stuff all the time. But I don't always send it or say it or do it. I think I must have rehearsed millions of strategies and role-played in my mind a zillion ways to talk to or say things to my mom. Because she was unpredictable and one would have to be prepared for ANYTHING!
Hey Holly,
Sounds good.
G recommends you contact a City of Regina Assessor and talk to them re: property values and quote only what the assessor has to say. G doesn't feel comfortable being quoted with the information she gave you, even if you say it came from someone else, especially because it's a VERY rough estimate and opinion, and she doesn't know how likely it is for an assessor to say those kinds of things about the house. Overall, we both feel it's best if we aren't involved in any way, for our sakes and for yours. Mom has a way of tripping us all up and finding things out (ie. that G gave you this info), and it can all wind up biting us in the butt somehow. So just call the City and get any info you can directly from them.
I also would ask that you remove the comments about how Mom got me to sign an apology to cover her sorry ass. Don't get me wrong, I would love to throw that in her fuckin face at any chance I can get but, this isn't the time or place.
We support you and will help you in any way we can that is good/healthy for all of us. If you have any questions about this email, or G's professional and personal opinion, or just need to vent, don't hesitate to call. We are here for you.
Love R
That being said, that means 'The Email' to mother would resemble this:
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
D and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states D (my husband) and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am not going to be coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When D (my husband) and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation D and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
I did this a lot: I write down stuff or rehearse stuff all the time. But I don't always send it or say it or do it. I think I must have rehearsed millions of strategies and role-played in my mind a zillion ways to talk to or say things to my mom. Because she was unpredictable and one would have to be prepared for ANYTHING!
Why Can't I Have a Nice NORMAL Family??
Here's what was edited... The green lettering is the original info by me, then the blue by T, and then the red is me editing for the third time...
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states David and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am reminded my brother was coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions in a similar situation, and I do not want to end up in a similar position or worse.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation David and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The additional information we have collected from various resources & expertise:
Updated Aug 19, 2008
798-0641: Property Management: Sk Gov’t Land Registry -- I can sign an Affidavit of Identity because my name still shows as my maiden name on the Title, and I can sign a title transfer that has to be co-signed by the other people on the Title. http://www.isc.ca/
-- [FULL NAMES & CERTIFICATE NUMBERS]
With the assistance of Property Management, I have prepared for a package that all we all have to sign. It needs to be taken to 1301 1st Ave, between Broad and Winnipeg. There are some pages that we need to have signed and witnessed by a Notary Public/Commissioner/Jurat. I would have done this on my own if it was only me who had to sign the papers. I have copies of everything.
Land Registry Packet Cover Page
Application for Transfer (Part II)
Transfer Authorization (Two Individuals Signing)
Titles Affidavit of Value (2 copies; 1 for land, one for minerals)
Affidavit of Identity for Individual Change of Name (stamped by a Commissioner)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to the City of Regina website... http://www2.regina.ca/search/index.htm (click on Property Search>>1. Street Address/Account Number >> type in 1137 // Edward St >> Search
If you look at the above link you will find that this was what the house assessments were in 2002 & 2008 -- Fair Value: $67,500/Assessed Value: $47,200; there appears to be no change to this value as of 2008.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 777-7233: Property Taxes for the house this year: paid Jun 2nd/08 were $1,673.92
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spoke to a Financial Advisor (Ryan Stephenson) who advised us that what you are doing is probably tax evasion. I was told that we (Dad, you and I) all own 1/3rd of the property. This means, technically, whatever the house is sold for, we would be entitled to a 1/3rd of the house. Apparently, because you have been paying for repairs, you feel that you are owed some of the money that would be owed to us. However we have been living in the house for about 5 years and have been paying $100-$700 (you have been paying for our Energy bill), plus before I was married I lived here on my own and made payments of $400 or more per month before and while I was attending university. Of course there is no record of this because it was all paid in cash. We would rather not have any of the money associated with this house.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An accountant advised us that if you are found out by Revenue Canada that we would also be affected as my name is on the Land Title. This could ruin us both financially. In fact we could even be arrested and put in jail for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Realtor: Assessed the market value on this house Sun Aug 24th. Because it only has 1 bathroom and 1 bedroom (and especially because the bathroom isn’t upstairs next to the bedroom), he feels it would be reasonable to start selling this house at $195,000 and if there were no offers after three weeks bring it down some more. He saw that the braces on the basement were done (he said there should be an engineering permit/paperwork on it, but if not an engineer would need to inspect it), the electrical would have to run on their own breakers/fuses instead of having two or more lines on the same fuse, and there was new water/sewer, the area is really, really nice except perhaps for the traffic noise. He gave us a list of similar type houses with similar square footage and they run from $79,900 (1 bedroom/2 bathroom & farther out from the core of the Cathedral area) up to $289,900 (for a house closer to the core of Cath Area & 3 bdrm/2 bthrm).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to Scotia Bank, I do not appear on the mortgage of this house as they cannot find any information on me. I was advised that if my name did not appear on the account, because of the privacy laws, it would be better if my parents called in to request information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lawyer: (as yet to have arranged an appointment).
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states David and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am reminded my brother was coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions in a similar situation, and I do not want to end up in a similar position or worse.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation David and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
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The additional information we have collected from various resources & expertise:
Updated Aug 19, 2008
798-0641: Property Management: Sk Gov’t Land Registry -- I can sign an Affidavit of Identity because my name still shows as my maiden name on the Title, and I can sign a title transfer that has to be co-signed by the other people on the Title. http://www.isc.ca/
-- [FULL NAMES & CERTIFICATE NUMBERS]
With the assistance of Property Management, I have prepared for a package that all we all have to sign. It needs to be taken to 1301 1st Ave, between Broad and Winnipeg. There are some pages that we need to have signed and witnessed by a Notary Public/Commissioner/Jurat. I would have done this on my own if it was only me who had to sign the papers. I have copies of everything.
Land Registry Packet Cover Page
Application for Transfer (Part II)
Transfer Authorization (Two Individuals Signing)
Titles Affidavit of Value (2 copies; 1 for land, one for minerals)
Affidavit of Identity for Individual Change of Name (stamped by a Commissioner)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to the City of Regina website... http://www2.regina.ca/search/index.htm (click on Property Search>>1. Street Address/Account Number >> type in 1137 // Edward St >> Search
If you look at the above link you will find that this was what the house assessments were in 2002 & 2008 -- Fair Value: $67,500/Assessed Value: $47,200; there appears to be no change to this value as of 2008.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 777-7233: Property Taxes for the house this year: paid Jun 2nd/08 were $1,673.92
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spoke to a Financial Advisor (Ryan Stephenson) who advised us that what you are doing is probably tax evasion. I was told that we (Dad, you and I) all own 1/3rd of the property. This means, technically, whatever the house is sold for, we would be entitled to a 1/3rd of the house. Apparently, because you have been paying for repairs, you feel that you are owed some of the money that would be owed to us. However we have been living in the house for about 5 years and have been paying $100-$700 (you have been paying for our Energy bill), plus before I was married I lived here on my own and made payments of $400 or more per month before and while I was attending university. Of course there is no record of this because it was all paid in cash. We would rather not have any of the money associated with this house.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An accountant advised us that if you are found out by Revenue Canada that we would also be affected as my name is on the Land Title. This could ruin us both financially. In fact we could even be arrested and put in jail for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Realtor: Assessed the market value on this house Sun Aug 24th. Because it only has 1 bathroom and 1 bedroom (and especially because the bathroom isn’t upstairs next to the bedroom), he feels it would be reasonable to start selling this house at $195,000 and if there were no offers after three weeks bring it down some more. He saw that the braces on the basement were done (he said there should be an engineering permit/paperwork on it, but if not an engineer would need to inspect it), the electrical would have to run on their own breakers/fuses instead of having two or more lines on the same fuse, and there was new water/sewer, the area is really, really nice except perhaps for the traffic noise. He gave us a list of similar type houses with similar square footage and they run from $79,900 (1 bedroom/2 bathroom & farther out from the core of the Cathedral area) up to $289,900 (for a house closer to the core of Cath Area & 3 bdrm/2 bthrm).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to Scotia Bank, I do not appear on the mortgage of this house as they cannot find any information on me. I was advised that if my name did not appear on the account, because of the privacy laws, it would be better if my parents called in to request information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lawyer: (as yet to have arranged an appointment).
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As it was I never did actually send this to my parents. I sure wanted to, but it wouldn't have done me any good. lol
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mommy Is Psycho
Sent this to several close friends in an email?
I'm doing better now. Been having some childhood memories, my therapist says they were flashbacks. But I'm feeling so much better now as it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
However...
On Tues I had a helluva day: I had a migraine and a retarded day on the phones.... And then.... My mind was going to turn to goo. I got a totally fucked up call from mom... She says that if I move out of the house (as we are planning to move when we find a house to buy, but we haven't yet), then income tax on the house will raise for us for 30% - but we never pay income taxes, she does. She said that it would benefit David and I if we stayed in this house until we moved out so that income tax didn’t rise 30%. She went on to say that if we did sell before moving out that we would somehow benefit from the money involved.Apparently if we stay we will get some of this money. And we can gift some of the money back to her then it LOOKS like we got the money and gave her back some…?? But it sounds like a really crappy attempt at a bribe to keep us from moving out when we bloody well want to.I asked her at this point, didn’t I sign papers to take my name off the house? She said no, what I signed was if I died she and dad would get the house. And then she said she wasn’t entirely sure, so she was going to check with the ‘tax people’ about the whole thing.But in the meantime we’d need to consider moving some of our furniture into the basement, to make our house look more spacious so people coming to see the house will be more likely to buy it.I said at this point, please find out about the taxes first, and then we’ll go on to the next step.This is, of course, planned by her just before they go on vacation to BC.I had a meeting with my therapist on Wed, thank gosh he squeezed me in. Which is why I'm feeling better about it.If I didn't laugh hysterically I'd cry hysterically.
lol I was wondering what you thought of this email that I am planning to send to mom &dad in a week or two.
Do you think it is respectful?
Does it come across as ungrateful or vindictive/threatening?
Do you think there is anything I should add or remove to make it a better email?
-Holly-
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will even sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house;
or
B) to have you and dad sign a contract that states David and I will not be charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you both will be responsible for the income tax if we are charged for it.
My name is on the house and I don't like being on the title. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for rent every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned.
On the other hand, we do not like being in the position that someone can tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for the person we are giving rent to for us to move out. If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One is that there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant and daughter has been abused. For instance, even though it took you over a year to fix the porch and the bathroom, your own daughter, who has allergies and asthma, didn't complain to the Rentalsman. I was perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you, my own mother, did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed interesting to me that it was the time when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally decided to take action. After that I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you wouldn't listen to me or wouldn't care anyway.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship will improve, because then I won't feel hostage to being somewhere between a dutiful daughter, who is expected to be obedient and respectful to my mother, and a tenant who pays rent, who if I wasn't your daughter, would have reported health issues and possibly revenue information long ago.
Thank you for reading this over carefully.
-Holly Freeman-
I'm doing better now. Been having some childhood memories, my therapist says they were flashbacks. But I'm feeling so much better now as it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
However...
On Tues I had a helluva day: I had a migraine and a retarded day on the phones.... And then.... My mind was going to turn to goo. I got a totally fucked up call from mom... She says that if I move out of the house (as we are planning to move when we find a house to buy, but we haven't yet), then income tax on the house will raise for us for 30% - but we never pay income taxes, she does. She said that it would benefit David and I if we stayed in this house until we moved out so that income tax didn’t rise 30%. She went on to say that if we did sell before moving out that we would somehow benefit from the money involved.Apparently if we stay we will get some of this money. And we can gift some of the money back to her then it LOOKS like we got the money and gave her back some…?? But it sounds like a really crappy attempt at a bribe to keep us from moving out when we bloody well want to.I asked her at this point, didn’t I sign papers to take my name off the house? She said no, what I signed was if I died she and dad would get the house. And then she said she wasn’t entirely sure, so she was going to check with the ‘tax people’ about the whole thing.But in the meantime we’d need to consider moving some of our furniture into the basement, to make our house look more spacious so people coming to see the house will be more likely to buy it.I said at this point, please find out about the taxes first, and then we’ll go on to the next step.This is, of course, planned by her just before they go on vacation to BC.I had a meeting with my therapist on Wed, thank gosh he squeezed me in. Which is why I'm feeling better about it.If I didn't laugh hysterically I'd cry hysterically.
lol I was wondering what you thought of this email that I am planning to send to mom &dad in a week or two.
Do you think it is respectful?
Does it come across as ungrateful or vindictive/threatening?
Do you think there is anything I should add or remove to make it a better email?
-Holly-
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will even sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house;
or
B) to have you and dad sign a contract that states David and I will not be charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you both will be responsible for the income tax if we are charged for it.
My name is on the house and I don't like being on the title. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for rent every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned.
On the other hand, we do not like being in the position that someone can tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for the person we are giving rent to for us to move out. If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One is that there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant and daughter has been abused. For instance, even though it took you over a year to fix the porch and the bathroom, your own daughter, who has allergies and asthma, didn't complain to the Rentalsman. I was perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you, my own mother, did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed interesting to me that it was the time when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally decided to take action. After that I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you wouldn't listen to me or wouldn't care anyway.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship will improve, because then I won't feel hostage to being somewhere between a dutiful daughter, who is expected to be obedient and respectful to my mother, and a tenant who pays rent, who if I wasn't your daughter, would have reported health issues and possibly revenue information long ago.
Thank you for reading this over carefully.
-Holly Freeman-
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