HOW TO REGAIN YOUR SANITY: ABILITY, BELIEVE, LOVE, EMPOWER (ABLE)

The ultimate goal is healing.

It can be a long road. For one thing you were raised in dysfunction and you had to adapt and change your reality in order to survive in your environment.

What this usually means is that you've had to squash your feelings. You've had to learn to lie low and be passive. You might have had to allow some unreasonably harsh physical or emotional treatment out of fear for your well-being. Your child's mind believed that your mom loved you, so the things she told you must have been true, and there must have been something wrong with you if you felt anger or sadness when she did something to you. You may have had to deny you were human, and tried to be perfect, and tried everything in your power to try to get some love. And worst of all, you may have thought that because your mother (or father) couldn't seem to love you no matter how hard you tried, that you must be unlovable.

There are so many things you need to unlearn and unprogram. How do you do this?

Well this group is one step. You can also study about Narcissism, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or whatever they're calling it now), Borderline Personality Disorder, and Psychopathy: knowledge is power. Best if you know what you're up against, and to read up on how to defend yourself. Lots of us have been to and benefited from therapy. Make sure that when you are looking for your therapist that he/she is knowledgeable about personality disorders and dysfunctional families. If your therapist doesn't understand, look for another one. This goes for anyone else: lawyers, police, social services. If you have to give them proof: go to a therapist, get the proof. Show them documentation.

Logically you know you're mom is a Narcissistic person. Logically you know that what's been your messed up life is NOT your fault. The problem is, the logic is on the outside and the emotion is deeper inside. It's a lot harder for your emotional self to fully understand and accept your logical knowledge. It's like an extra thick layer and it takes a longer time for the truth to sink in through all those layers of time and damage and misinformation. That's why therapy (changing the way you think, changing the way you react, reparenting) helps... Relaxation and yoga can help you combat against the anxiety and depression. Assertiveness training or Toastmaster's or involvement in supportive groups or the community will bolster your damaged confidence.

With a support system (yourself, your non-N friends and family, your therapist), you may even find someday that you are strong enough to take a stand. And if the line is crossed, you will feel that you have a right to preserve yourself and your family (especially if you have young children who could be dragged into your Nmom's games and damaged the same way you were)... You will likely find a point in your life that you will feel absolutely no guilt about leaving behind this poisoned relationship. It will be scary at first. It will feel off-balance. Everything will be different - in a good way... But it might take some getting used to. Lean on us and lean on your support system. You can get there. You don't have to stay stuck.

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SELF HELP ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reflections on narcissistic bosses
Posted by: Ben Dattner
http://www.businessweek.com/business_at_work/bad_bosses/archives/2008/06/reflections_on.html

Narcissist Bosses: What Can You Do?
Valerie Cade
http://www.bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/?page_id=27

How to Set Boundaries at Work
by Stever Robbins, author of "Get-It Done Guy's 9 Steps to Work Less and Do More"
http://getitdone.quickanddirtytips.com/how-to-set-boundaries-at-work.aspx

Setting Boundaries at Work: Steps to Making Them a Reality
Keeping your mind and body in balance at the office
by Dana Gionta
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/occupational-hazards/200901/setting-boundaries-work-steps-making-them-reality

Letting go of toxic people (parents, spouses, family, and friends) with honor.
http://dealingwithtoxicpeople.blogspot.ca/2010/04/great-counterfeits-in-land-of.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/raising-happiness/201004/the-trouble-motherhood
The Trouble with Motherhood: A challenge to be happier (remembering to mother yourself, too)...
by Christine L. Carter, Ph.D.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/03/02/motherhood-and-depression/
Motherhood and Depression
By Erika Krull, MS, LMHP
"Let me first say that I’m glad that many many mothers around the world can go about the challenging and rewarding job of parenting without experiencing mental illness. Clearly the majority of mothers can weather the storms without having their boat completely capsize. But the reality is that a modest percentage of mothers do experience depression, excessive anxiety, and other mental illnesses."

http://drbarrybrody.com/articles.html
Dr. Barry Brody, Ph.D. LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)
Dr. Brody has written a number of articles on family health and forensic mental health, and these articles are now available for your reference.

Links to Help You Keep Positive http://www.positivelypresent.com/

http://inquiryinstitute.com/CM.pdf
Choice Map Use the Choice Map™ as a powerful tool for getting better results. It’s simple and it works!

Can't Change Someone? 5 Tips to Change How You React
By Maria Mooney
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4440/Cant-Change-Someone-5-Tips-to-Change-How-You-React.html

How to Stop Attracting and/or Allowing Abuse from a Narcissist http://joyfulalivewoman.wordpress.com/2011/02/26/how-to-stop-attracting-narcissistic-abuse/

Letting Go of Shitty Relationships
Written by Joshua Fields Millburn
http://www.theminimalists.com/relationships/

What Does a Normal, Healthy Relationship Look Like?
an article by A. Skorupa-Myers
http://themothtotheflame.wordpress.com/2011/10/11/what-do-normal-relationships-look-like/

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-soothe-yourself-through-traumatic-flashbacks-633357.html?cat=72
How to Soothe Yourself Through Traumatic Flashbacks
by Faith Allen
Many adult survivors of childhood abuse struggle with flashbacks. When I first heard about flashbacks, it was in the context of war veterans who would "relive" the trauma of being in battle. I was surprised when I started having flashbacks of my traumatic childhood.
  http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm
Flashbask Management in Treatment of Complex PTSD
by Pete Walker, M.A
A significant percentage of adults who suffered ongoing abuse or neglect in childhood suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of the most difficult features of this type of PTSD is extreme susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks. Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair.

http://crazysexylife.com/2010/how-to-nurture-yourself-be-your-own-mother/
How to Nurture Yourself & Be Your Own Mother
By Tama J. Kieves
I have had to learn how to mother myself. I love my mother more than ever before, but for many years I felt I got the short end of the umbilical cord. Like many of us, I didn’t get the movie mother — the tireless cheerleader, the fierce cub protector, or the one who listened deeply to all my secret places and saw colors in me that I had yet to see. That mother was on back order when I was placing my cosmic selection. Instead, I got someone who hadn’t read the manual and, I know now, deserved and needed a mother herself.

http://articles.cnn.com/2008-05-13/living/o.build.better.mother_1_biological-mother-ideal-mother-biological-mom?_s=PM%3ALIVING
Create yourself a new mother
By Martha Beck
Unfortunately, motherhood is so difficult that virtually no one does it perfectly. Maybe your mother was flawless, but it's more likely she made mistakes. Whatever her errors, you inherited a legacy of sorrow.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-open-yourself-to-love-when-you-didn%E2%80%99t-grow-up-with-it/
How to Open Yourself to Love When You Didn’t Grow Up with It
Lori Deschene; Tiny Buddha Founder
Editor’s Note: This is an anonymous contribution by a woman named Marie
I was always someone that craved love and attention. This is not to say that I accepted love willingly—quite the opposite, in fact.

http://www.friedgreentomatoes.org/articles/emotional_manipulation.php
Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation
Emotional Manipulation is Also "Covert Aggression." See: "Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep's Clothing" Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl...

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page17.htm
Relationship Warning Signs
from various contributors...
Once physical abuse has occurred, it is likely to occur again and to escalate over time. You cannot change your partner's behavior. You can only change yourself. It is not necessary to stay in a relationship of fear. You have the right to choose how you wish to live.

http://www.familycenterweb.org/index.php/ask-the-experts/42-all/246-coping-with-your-enmeshed-family
Coping with Your Enmeshed Family
Ask the Experts by Marla K. Ruhana, LMSW
Many of us come from enmeshed families in which the boundaries are skewed and all members are a part of the pie, so to speak, as opposed to individual slices within the pie. Members of these families look to one another for insight regarding who they are becoming, as opposed to looking within.

http://soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html
Enmeshment, Codependency, and Collusion
by A.J. Mahari's Life Coaching Services
The term enmeshment has been widely used in the family therapy literature since it was popularized by the work of Salvador Minuchin Salvador Minuchin (1978) ("Psychosomatic Families: Anorexia Nervosa in Context. Cambridge, MA : Harvard University Press.")
  http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=289
Why Do I Feel Bad?
BY DR. NEIL FIORE
If you've ever wondered why you sometimes feel bad, guilty, or depressed? Keep reading. Deep-rooted reasons may shed light on your feelings.

http://narc-attack.blogspot.ca/2006/04/be-yourself-not-what-narcissist-tries.html
Be yourself, not what the narcissist tries to make you... I use quotations on my tennis Website, which is huge. So I was scrounging around the Web for more today when I found one for readers of this blog. When you live or work with with a narcissist, he or she is trying to make you what they say you are. By Projective Identification.

http://www.positivecoachinginstitute.com/assessing-your-strengths
Positive Coaching Institute: Strengths and Virtues
Over a decade ago, Martin Seligman and several of his colleagues set about to create positive psychology’s answer to the DSM, psychiatry’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

http://www.psychsight.com/ar-shame.html
Healing Shame: Understanding How Shame Binds Us and How to Begin to Free Ourselves
by Robert D. Caldwell, M.Div. Shame is the inner experience of being "not wanted." It is feeling worthless, rejected, cast-out. Guilt is believing that one has done something bad; shame is believing that one is bad. Shame is believing that one is not loved because one is not lovable. Shame always carries with it the sense that there is nothing one can do to purge its burdensome and toxic presence.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/
30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself
by Marc and Angel
As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back. http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/18/30-things-to-start-doing-for-yourself/ -- 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself

http://home.acceleration.net/clark/COOL938/Email.Essays/Handling.Anger.html
Handling Anger Assertively
By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D. The emotion we call "anger" is a natural response to frustration, pain, loss or neediness. It may also occur out of "old habit" or imitation of an angry parent. Anger is what we label the biochemical/physiological response we experience when our wants and needs are not met, when we are blocked from pursuing our goals, when we are hurting either physically or emotionally, or when we have experienced a loss of some kind. Anger is a natural emotion and a powerful energizer.

http://www.mtstcil.org/skills/assert-2.html
What is Assertiveness and Why be Assertive?
by the Center for Independent Learning  
TO ASSERT -- To state an opinion, claim a right, or establish authority. If you assert yourself, you behave in a way that expresses your confidence, importance or power and earns you respect from others. - From the Oxford English Dictionary
Assertiveness is standing up for your right to be treated fairly. It is expressing your opinions, needs, and feelings, without ignoring or hurting the opinions, needs, and feelings of others.

http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/assert/assertive.html
What is being assertive?
by the University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Centre
Standing up for your rights and not being taken advantage of is one definition of being assertive.
It also means communicating what you really want in a clear fashion, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.
Assertion is an honest and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and needs.
It takes self-analysis, and then practice, but the results are worth it.

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-be-assertive
How To Be Assertive
by videojug Learn how to take control of your life by effectively communicating with others. Confrontation doesn't have to be unpleasant; it can be a vehicle in which you get to broadcast your feelings and thoughts to someone, if done properly.

http://www.itstime.com/mar99.htm#tips1
Dealing with Difficult People
What makes people "difficult"? Usually, the difficult person is someone who is working from the negative side of their personality, rather than a conscious desire to be difficult. The person is often unaware of themselves and how they affect others.  They also don't realize how harmful their actions are to their own career success.

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/sitemap.html
Sitemap: child-abuse-effects.com
Looking for a specific page? This sitemap categorizes and displays links to pages of child-abuse-effects.com for your convenience and edification.

http://media.wiley.com/product_data/excerpt/09/04700110/0470011009.pdf
EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT
Children, young people, or adults who suffered some form of abuse in the
past, always refer to emotional hurt and psychological pain before
mentioning physical pain. Almost without exception, victims of abuse will
talk about fear, anxiety, loneliness, emotional lack of support, and being
ignored, degraded and humiliated, feeling unloved and unwanted, and being powerless when terrorised or tormented by parents or carers.

http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/8745_KellowayCh6.pdf
Workplace Emotional Abuse
by Loraleigh Keashly & Steve Harvey
Just before leaving for the weekend, George answers a call on the help line and
quickly realizes it’s from Mr. French, who’s always got a problem late in the day. His
computer’s crashed again, he informs George, and this time he demands to talk to
somebody competent!

http://www.preventchildabuse.org/advocacy/downloads/emotional_abuse.pdf
Preventing Child Emotional Abuse
Child emotional abuse is a misunderstood, insidious, and psychologically
damaging form of child maltreatment, which can lead to low self-esteem,
anxiety, depression, and self-destructive behavior.

http://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/pubs/issues/issues8/issues8.html
Issues in Child Abuse Prevention
Emotional Abuse: the hidden form of maltreatment
by Adam M Tomison and Joe Tucci
The foundations for good mental health are laid down in the emotional development that occurs in infancy and later childhood and appears to be dependent upon the quality and frequency of response to an infant or child from a parent or primary caregiver (O'Hagan 1993; Oates 1996). The parental response to the infant's emotions or expressive behaviours usually results in the formation of an attachment bond between the two. This bond develops in the early months and years of life, and is closely linked to the behavioural response of the parent and the ongoing cycle of parent-child interaction.

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/index-eng.php
National Clearinghouse on Family Violence
 by the Public Health Agency of Canada E-Bulletins, Resources, Best Practices, Find Support

http://www.camh.net/About_Addiction_Mental_Health/Mental_Health_Information/women_recognize_trauma.html
Women: What do these signs have in common? Recognizing the effects of abuse-related trauma
by the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
Trauma is a normal response to being abused. Many children survive abuse by developing ways of coping that last into adulthood. Abuse-related trauma can develop after a person has been hurt and/or neglected, usually in childhood. Common effects of trauma...

http://www.lisaescott.com/2012/01/19/key-recovering-narcissist
The Key to Recovering from a Narcissist
by Lisa E. Scott
The key to recovering from a narcissist is to find ourselves again. We must start having some self-compassion for ourselves for a change. We have an abundance of compassion for others, which is why the narcissist targeted us, but we never share any of it with ourselves!

http://clearreflectioncoaching.com/emotional-advocacy
Emotional Advocacy
by Elaine Le Joie The hardest but most essential skill for an Empath to master is boundaries on the emotional plane with others.  Empaths, who are highly developed at processing emotional energy, especially for others, naturally take the emotional energy of the people in their environment on themselves.  When we are in relationship with dissociated people, their unwanted emotional energy feels like our own energy, and we must make ourselves feel better by processing it for them.  The Empath becomes the advocate or the defender of the dissociated person.

http://www.nomadjournaltrips.com/journal_writing
Journal Writing
Journal writing is known to be beneficial on a practical and therapeutic level. We think so highly of journal writing, we built our entire company around it!

http://www.createwritenow.com/
JOURNAL WRITING: THE PLANET'S BEST SELF-DISCOVERY TOOL
by Mari L. McCarthy
When You start and keep a daily Journaling for the Self of It™ practice, You discover who You really are, You heal your psychophysical wounds and create the life You desperately desire to live!
  http://www.journaltherapy.com/rosen.htm
A Brief History of Journal Therapy
by Kathleen Adams Journal Therapy is the act of writing down thoughts and feelings to sort through problems and come to deeper understandings of oneself or the issues in one's life. Unlike traditional diary writing, where daily events and happenings are recorded from an exterior point of view, journal therapy focuses on the writer's internal experiences, reactions, and perceptions. Through this act of literally reading his or her own mind, the writer is able to perceive experiences more clearly and thus feels a relief of tension. This has been shown to have mental and physical health benefits.

Contributed by member Krista Michelle Schaffner
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201204/the-mirror-speaks-in-the-mother-daughter-connection
Recognizing, understanding and overcoming the debilitating impact of maternal narcissism. by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Having studied mother-daughter connections for twenty years, as well as writing about maternal narcissism, I find a misnomer that keeps rearing its unexpected head. Mother’s Day is approaching and this time of year discussions about mothers explode, but of course the roaring voices describing maternal narcissism are hushed to the background. We hear the praise and celebrations about good mothering, but simultaneously the complete stillness and silence about inadequate mothering.

http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
The Web Site of Robert Burney
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them.  It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs.  (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)
(quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/setting-boundaries.htm
Personal Boundaries in Relationships: Stop Saying 'Yes' When You Mean 'No'
by Melanie Tonia Evans
Boundaries define who we are. They establish ‘what is me’ and ‘what isn’t me.’

http://www.cbn.com/family/familyadvice/Hawkins_BetterBoundaries.aspx
Set Boundaries for a Better Relationship
Dr. David Hawkins -The Relationship Doctor

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14688-establishing-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships/
Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
By Jake Lawson
People with low self-esteem have their major difficulties in relationships with others. This is because they are unable to establish healthy boundaries or limits with people. The reason, for this inability, is that with low self-esteem comes a variety of irrational thoughts, emotions and actions which leads people to lose themselves in relationships with others.
I can think of no more important skill to help us relate in a healthy way than setting boundaries. You can learn healthy communication skills, and that will help. You can learn how to manage conflict—that will be of tremendous value. You can learn to pray and laugh together, and that certainly will have powerful results. But, if you don’t know how to define and maintain your personal and relational boundaries, you’ll be in serious trouble. That was the topic of my last article, concerning living with paper fences.

http://askjan.hubpages.com/hub/Relationship-advice-how-to-set-boundaries-tips-from-a-therapist
Relationship advice-how to set boundaries-tips from a therapist
By Ask Jan Is your relationship in trouble because of poor boundaries or no boundaries at all? Boundaries are like a line we draw in the sand - a line not to be crossed. Boundaries help protect us from verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse physical space, and protect us from negative influences. Boundaries also help us to get our needs met.

http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html
How To Understand, Identify Release Your Emotions.
By Mary Kurus

http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Boundaries.html
Boundaries
Out of the FOG (FOG stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt)

http://n-continuum.blogspot.ca/2010/01/narcissists-push-boundaries.html
Narcissists Push Boundaries
Sandra Brown

http://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2012/03/02/boundaries/
Boundaries: Grace For My Heart
Dave Orrison

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/2008/03/angry-with-narcissist-read-on.html
Angry with a Narcissist?
Anna Valerious

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-being-a-victim-and-start-creating-your-life/
How to Stop Being a Victim and Start Creating Your Life
contribution by Harriet Cabelly

http://www.realpsychology.com/content/gps-parents-and-teachers/how-stop-being-a-victim
How to Stop Being a Victim
Real Psychology

http://kathleenruth.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/how-to-stop-being-a-victim-finding-and-using-your-own-power/
How To Stop Being A Victim: Finding And Using Your Own Power
Posted by: Ruth

http://sidawson.org/2011/05/how-to-stop-being-a-victim-and-regain-your-power.html
How To Stop Being A Victim And Regain Your Power
by Si Dawson

http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/01/how_to_manage_your_energy.html
How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Own Life
Douglas R. Conant

http://www.ratracetrap.com/the-rat-race-trap/stop-being-the-victim.html
Stop Being the Victim
by Stephen Mills

http://christinekane.com/stop-being-the-victim-you%E2%80%99re-more-powerful-than-that/
Stop Being the Victim (You’re More Powerful than That!)
Written by Christine Kane

http://shankman.com/how-to-avoid-being-a-victim-anywhere-any-time/
How To Avoid Being A Victim, Anywhere, Any time.
PETER SHANKMAN

http://dailysignsofhope.com/?p=445
Stop Playing the Victim
by Michael Clark

http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/10/09/how-to-break-out-of-a-victim-mentality-7-powerful-tips/
How to Break Out of a Victim Mentality: 7 Powerful Tips
by Henrik Edberg

http://beverly-hill.suite101.com/victim-no-more-a47165
Stop Being a Victim & Take Control of Your Life
by Beverly Hill

http://goodpal.hubpages.com/hub/Stop-Being-a-Victim-of-Mental-Chatter
How to Stop Being a Victim of Your Mental Chatter
by GoodPal

http://www.mtoomey.com/SeniorStopBeingVictim.html
How to Stop Being A Victim by Using the Power of Words
Michele Toomey, PhD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200901/how-avoid-being-victim
Psychology Today: Here to Help -- How to Avoid Being a Victim
By Chuck Hustmyre, Jay Dixit

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/how-to-stop-being-a-victim
How to stop being a victim?
By Morty Lefkoe

http://narc-attack.blogspot.ca/2008/04/blaming-victim-of-narcissism.html
Blaming the Victim of Narcissism
by Kathy (What Makes Narcissists Tick)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-white-knight-syndrome
The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself From Your Need to Rescue Others
by Mary Lamia and Marilyn Krieger

http://blog.theartofchange.com/persuasion/dealing-with-difficult-people/how-to-stop-being-manipulated-by-narcissists
How To Stop Being Manipulated by Narcissists
by Dr. Rick Kirschner

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lindsey-mead-russell/ten-things-ten-years-olds-should-know_b_1553134.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false
10 Things I Want My Daughter To Know Before She Turns 10 (Contributed by Melissa Bolton): apply these things to yourselves and your children... Just in case you missed out yourself, be your own mother.
by Lindsey Mead Russell

http://www.kristinnoelle.com/2012/03/21/8-things-i-believe/
On Trust And Fear: 8 Things I Believe (Contributed from Melissa Bolton)
with Kristin Noelle


http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/
The Most Powerful Thing About You
Some helpful stuff from some dude I can't find the name of, but it might be Dan


http://upsi-upsi.blogspot.ca/
Info from an ACON (Adult Child of Narcissist)...
Common problems, FLEAS, etc
(by Upsi) You Don't Have To Dance For Them


http://lifelightloveafternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/darkness/lie-down-with-dogs-youre-bound-to-get-fleas/
Light, Life, Love & Laughter after npd Abuse
Lie Down With Dogs & You’re Bound to Get Fleas


http://www.narcissism101.com/Beginning/wisewoman.html
Wise Woman: Sometimes you need help, but be careful who helps you!
A unique take on Fleas: learned behaviour


http://voxxi.com/how-to-deal-with-criticism-about-your-body-mujer-voxpopuli/
How to deal with criticism about your body
By Rosie Molinary/VOXXI Mujer
When someone comments about your physicality, it is never about you.  It is about her,  about the story she has told herself about her appearance, about the narrative she is choosing to live.


http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/family/the-curse-of-a-mean-mother/article1328427/
The curse of a mean mother
Sarah Boesveld
While every human being is wired to love and care for other human beings, moms aren't necessarily hard-wired to love their children, she adds. This deems “a mother's love” a myth, says Andrea O'Reilly, director of the Association for Research on Mothering at York University.


http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/01/20/why-ruminating-is-unhealthy-and-how-to-stop/
Why Ruminating is Unhealthy and How to Stop
By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.


http://www.intropsych.com/ch13_therapies/ten_irrational_ideas.html
Ten Irrational Ideas
Dr. Dewey/Albert Ellis


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201002/rumination-problem-solving-gone-wrong
Overcoming Self-Sabotage: How to understand and regulate destructive behaviors.
by Eddie Selby


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/test-case/201012/why-do-we-ruminate
Why Do We Ruminate? The functions rumination serves...
Melissa Kirk


http://www.psychotherapybrownbag.com/psychotherapy_brown_bag_a/rumination/
Thinking it through: How cognitive responses to emotions impact our vulnerability to stress, anxiety, and worry
Mike Anestis is a doctoral candidate in the clinical psychology department at Florida State University


http://www.ehow.com/facts_5007026_depressive-rumination-nature-theory-treatment.html
Depressive Rumination: Nature, Theory and Treatment
By Carolyn Lawrence


http://www.psychologytools.org/rumination-focused-cognitive-behavioural-therapy-rfcbt-worksheets-handouts-and-resources.html
Rumination Focused Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Psychology Tools -- by Professor Ed Watkins, etc


http://www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/cycle.aspx
Probing the depression-rumination cycle: Why chewing on problems just makes them harder to swallow.
By BRIDGET MURRAY LAW


http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/video/facebook-users-ruminating-or-savoring.html
Facebook Users: Ruminating or Savoring?
Association for Psychological Science


http://www.psychology-solution.com/anxiety/stop-worrying
How to Stop Worrying
Psychology Solution
THERE’S A BIG DIFFERENCE between problem solving and needless worrying, or ruminating.


http://markwestman.blogspot.ca/2009/08/stop-awfulizing-musturbating-and.html
Stop Awfulizing, Musturbating, and Shoulding Yourself!
Mark on his Random Enlightenment Blog


http://coachdeanhebert.wordpress.com/2007/07/28/do-you-rebound-or-awfulize/
Do you rebound or awfulize?
The Running World According to Dean


http://ponderabout.com/archives/1530/awfulizing.aspx
Awfulizing
by PonderAbout


http://www.lgcplus.com/lgc-news/what-is-awfulize/1542807.article
What is 'awfulize'?
Local Government Chronicle


http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/03/01/proof-positive-counting-your-blessings/
Proof Positive: Counting Your Blessings
By Daniel Tomasulo, Ph.D.


http://www.talkaboutsleep.com/sleep-disorders/archives/insomnia_drjacobs_cognitiveRestructuringTechniques.htm
Using Cognitive Restructuring Techniques To Minimize The Effects of Stress On Sleep
By Dr. Gregg D. Jacobs


http://www.psychologylounge.com/2007/11/05/how-anger-works-the-sap-model-part-1/
How Anger Works: The SAP Model ™ (Part 1)
Dr. Andrew Gottlieb is a clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. Dr. Gottlieb specializes in treating anxiety, depression, relationship problems, and other difficulties using evidence-based cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is a modern no-drug therapy approach that is targeted, skill-based, and proven effective by many research studies.
How to Stop Anger in its Tracks: Applying the SAP™ Model in Three Easy Steps (Part 2)
http://www.psychologylounge.com/2007/11/23/how-to-stop-anger-in-its-tracks-applying-the-sap-model-in-three-easy-steps/


http://overcomingsexualabuse.com/2012/05/24/blamed-myself-since-i-didnt-tell/
I Blamed Myself For My Abuse Since I Didn’t Tell
Christina Enevoldsen
When I finally acknowledged that I didn’t have power or choices when I was a child, I was released from guilt and blame so I could be empowered now. I can’t change the past, but I’m very capable of healing from it.

http://www.lightshouse.org/try-someone-else.html#axzz1yLC7YuLk
How to Stop Being The Scapegoat at Home, Work , Friendships and Relationsips


http://thelegendarynarcissist.com/can-children-of-narcissist-parents-ever-recover-dragon-heart/
Can the Adult Children of Narcissist parents Ever Recover? (Yes)


http://thelegendarynarcissist.com/can-children-of-narcissist-parents-ever-recover-dragon-heart/
Can Children of Narcissist Parents Ever Recover? YES, you can recover from NPD Parents!
First of all you need to learn about recovery and what recovery really is.
There is 12 step recovery and then there is therapy and then there is Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT or "Tapping" is a technique to relieve  emotional disstress and clear the issues that are stuck), and there is the Recovery Model in the mental health field.
Read More from The Legendary Narcissist: Can Children of Narcissist Parents Ever Recover? | The Legendary Narcissist
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution No Derivatives
by Dragon Heart

http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/
A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not “Crazy”
We will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts.
--Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writing is showcased on The Current Conscience.

(Contributed by Melissa Bolton)
http://ticklestogiggles.blogspot.ca/2010/05/my-birthday-was-awesome.html
Random Acts of Kindness
from the Blogger "What a Ride"

DEALING WITH SOCIETY/CULTURE, MOTHER'S DAY & OTHER HOLIDAYS

Got a Great Idea from Beth on my Daughters Recovering from Narcissistic Mothers Facebook Group...

Here are some ideas from members for having a Narcissistic-Free Birthday or Holiday:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B:
After I separated from my first husband, I was lonely, lost, freaked out, scared, suffering major panic-attacks and PTSD. When the Holidays came it was the first time in many years I didn't have a home to invite anyone to, as ALL of my "friends" picked him to stay friends with. (He was SO awesome, life of the party, everyone loved him!!! He was also a physically and mentally abusive N). Instead of sitting at home and crying ( I was suicidal as well) I volunteered to serve Thanksgiving dinner to travelers in our area, specifically truck drivers who had to work that day. It was AWESOME! Talking to and learning about people I would never see again. Giving and listening to men and women who were missing their families. We were called angels many times that day. I floated home. Getting outside of yourself on special days when you not only feel alone, but maybe really are, and helping others is the only way I've ever found to completely counteract those terrible feelings. My little 2 cents. :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A:
It's my birthday! 40 years ago today...! Later today, am going to the Chocolate Bar with a friend. Looking forward to it :-) http://www.thechocolatebarellon.co.uk/chocolate/Welcome.html

I also bought a birthday card for myself and signed it "Love from your internal loving Mother xxx" She also signed Happy Birthday in German, French, Polish and Italian. That woman knows that I love languages even if my natural mother did not.
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Some more links to help sustain you:

 
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/2007/05/mothers-day-and-your-narcissist-mom.html
Anna Valerious
Mother's Day and Your Narcissist Mom


http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/2008/11/holidays-with-narcissists-suck.html
Anna Valerious
Holidays with Narcissists Suck


blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/2011/11/27/steer-clear-of-narcissistic-family-dynamics-during-the-holidays.aspx
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Steer Clear of Narcissistic Family Dynamics During the Holidays


http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissistic-mothers-and-society.html
Danu Morrigan
Narcissistic Mothers and Society


http://wrylilt.hubpages.com/hub/Growing-up-without-a-Mother
HubPages
Girls Growing up without a Mother - Mothers Without Mothers


http://hopehealing.wordpress.com/2010/04/30/april-30-2010-mothers-day-survival-guide-how-to-cope-if-you-have-a-narcissistic-mother/
Mother’s Day Survival Guide–How To Cope If You Have a Narcissistic Mother
Elaine D. Sanders, LLC


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201204/when-mother-s-day-hurts
Recognizing, understanding and overcoming the debilitating impact of maternal narcissism.
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201005/mothers-day-and-daughters-trial
Mother's Day and Daughters on Trial
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.


http://mental-health.families.com/blog/celebrating-mothers-day-when-you-dont-like-your-mom
Celebrating Mother's Day When You Don't Like Your Mom
Beth McHugh


http://www.motherrr.com/help/topics/jealousy/articles/daughtersofnarcissisticmothers
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - A Painful Psychological Legacy
Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201001/narcissistic-moms-and-holidays
Narcissistic Moms and Holidays
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201201/are-you-recovering-the-merry-merry-and-the-ho-ho-hos
Are You “Recovering” from the Merry! Merry! And the Ho! Ho! Ho's?
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.


http://postcardstoanarcissist.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/you-are-not-alone-in-dreading-the-holiday-season/
Postcards to a Narcissist: You’re Not Alone in Dreading the Holiday Season!
by Janet


http://www.narcissismdailymirror.com/2011/11/be-emotionally-prepared-this-holiday.html
Be Emotionally Prepared this Holiday Season
Narcissism Daily Mirror


http://brokentelegraph.com/2011/12/13/holidays-with-the-narcissists-and-what-to-do-about-it/
Holidays with the Narcissists, and What to Do About It
by: Ian Ebright


http://yourlife.usatoday.com/sex-relationships/lifesolutions/post/2011-12-19/having-a-narcissist-for-the-holidays/588559/1
Having a narcissist for the holidays?
By Stacy Kaiser


http://www.luke173ministries.org/564629 The Birthday Party Double Standard- National Holiday vs. Chopped Liver
by Rev. Renee


http://crazysexylife.com/2010/how-to-nurture-yourself-be-your-own-mother/
How to Nurture Yourself & Be Your Own Mother
By Tama J. Kieves
I have had to learn how to mother myself. I love my mother more than ever before, but for many years I felt I got the short end of the umbilical cord. Like many of us, I didn’t get the movie mother — the tireless cheerleader, the fierce cub protector, or the one who listened deeply to all my secret places and saw colors in me that I had yet to see. That mother was on back order when I was placing my cosmic selection. Instead, I got someone who hadn’t read the manual and, I know now, deserved and needed a mother herself.


http://articles.cnn.com/2008-05-13/living/o.build.better.mother_1_biological-mother-ideal-mother-biological-mom?_s=PM%3ALIVING
Create yourself a new mother
By Martha Beck
Unfortunately, motherhood is so difficult that virtually no one does it perfectly. Maybe your mother was flawless, but it's more likely she made mistakes. Whatever her errors, you inherited a legacy of sorrow.


http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-open-yourself-to-love-when-you-didn%E2%80%99t-grow-up-with-it/
How to Open Yourself to Love When You Didn’t Grow Up with It
Lori Deschene; Tiny Buddha Founder
Editor’s Note: This is an anonymous contribution by a woman named Marie
I was always someone that craved love and attention. This is not to say that I accepted love willingly—quite the opposite, in fact.

http://www.faqs.org/childhood/Me-Pa/Mothering-and-Motherhood.html
Mothering and Motherhood: An Essay on various Cultures and Times Regarding Mothering and Motherhood.
KATHLEEN UNO "It is common sense that all mothers love and care for their children. Or at least it is comforting to believe this is true in all times and places. Yet news broadcasts flash crimes such as teenage mothers abandoning infants in restrooms, mothers burning cigarettes into their children's flesh, mothers starving their children to death, and the like. Although this short entry cannot consider motherhood and mothering (the tasks of caring for children) in all times and places, it offers evidence from several eras and continents to suggest historical and cultural variations in motherhood and mothering. In other words, operating on the premise that both motherhood and mothering are socially constructed, this entry looks at how both ideas about what a mother is and should be and ideas about how mothers should care for their children have varied over time and space. It focuses primarily on agricultural and industrial societies of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. (Some references for continents not covered in the text appear in the bibliography.)"


http://booksellers.penguin.com/static/pdf/pop-pa-days-of-abandonment.pdf
The Days of Abandonment (a study guide novel about an abandonned woman and what happens to her and her children, very pertinent questions...)
by Elena Ferrante
-- this reading group guide has been prepared by Michael Reynolds for Europa Editions
There is an interesting side note on the right of the page, about the author.


http://worldbuildingrules.wordpress.com/2012/05/13/shake-up-your-definition-of-motherhood/
Shake Up Your Definition of Motherhood
Posted by: kshayes513 "These ideas are controversial, because for most of us, the definition of  “motherhood” is built into our worldview like a floor in a house, so integral to our assumptions about the nature of life and the universe, that we never question it until we bash our heads against a definition of motherhood that doesn’t look like ours. Then there’s screaming and flame wars and political meltdowns."

http://www.encyclopedia.com/topic/Motherhood.aspx
Motherhood International Encyclopedia of Marriage and Family

THE NARCISSIST'S TWISTED VERSION OF RELIGION

How many of you lovely ladies are stricken like a deer in the headlights when your Nmom or other N in your life throws religion at you as a way to keep you trapped?

It's convenient for the N, when she thinks she has exclusive knowledge on the interpretation of the bible (and everything else, of course)... She can use religion, and pretty much anything else, as a tool to keep you under her control...

Or can she?

Mwahahaha! No! She cannot!

First of all, you are aware (or need to be) that plenty of human beings in the past have used their own interpretations of the bible and other doctrine or beliefs to start wars and to get their way. Just because these people used the bible, it doesn't give them the right to attack another country. If everyone would just listen to the Golden Rule about treating others the way you would like to be treated, we'd all get along a lot better. There is a similar Golden Rule in many many other cultures and ethnic groups, not just in Christianity: http://www.teachingvalues.com/goldenrule.html

Secondly, using the "Thou shalt obey thy mother and father..."   Now now now... Hold on there a minute. You are supposed to obey God above your mom and dad. So if mom and dad are telling you to do things against God's law, then you must make an exception. And as you know, an N might think they DO have authority and control over everyone, including God which breaks the first commandments. And Ns lie lie lie lie lie... And pretty much kill you a little bit each day... And covet things that they feel everyone else has and they don't (or they feel entitled to the things other people have)... Need I go on? If a parent is breaking pretty much every single commandment, what right do they have to try to enforce the 10 Commandments on you?

Thirdly, if your parents do dishonorable things and do not accept consequences for their actions, how can children honor that?

Now how about this "Forgive and Forget" thing? The problem is, again, that the N turns this to their advantage. Their own interpretation and twisted idea about forgiveness is not the REAL definition of forgiveness. In an N's mind, you aren't forgiving them, you are excusing their behaviour and therefore saying it's sanctioned by God to excuse them... Ha! Forgiveness is a two way street. The N has the responsibility to NOT hurt the forgiver over and over. However, you will see again and again that this is not the case: an N will rarely admit they were at fault (unless they are trying to pretend in order to lure you back into the dysfunction) and don't feel the need to be forgiven in the first place.

More links here to explain further:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://newhopeoutreach.wordpress.com/related-articles/child-abuse-articles/how-do-i-honor-an-abusive-parent/
New Hope Outreach: How Do I Honor An Abusive Parent?
By Danni Moss
The church teaches “children obey your parents” and “children honor your parents” – but if the issue of domestic violence in marriage is largely invisible in the church, you can bet the issue of honoring an abusive parent is even further off the radar. What do you do when your parent is abusive?
Related link: http://diaryofascapegoat.blogspot.ca/2010/03/issue-of-honoring-ones-parents.html


http://lavistachurchofchrist.org/LVanswers/2010/02-11.html
La Vista Church of Christ Q&A:
Our parents are abusive, ungodly people. I have forgiven them and continue to ask God to help me. My sister says I have to honor them by doing what they want because they are old. She chooses subject herself to their verbal abuse. I struggle to do as God would want. I do not wish to continue to put myself in such a position. Can I still honor them and not physically be around them? I cannot be who God wants me to be when I have to deal with their anger, narcissism, favoritism, and wicked tongues. It cuts like a knife and has never stopped. How do I honor without setting myself up for more hurt?  What more can I do besides forgive them and prayer?


http://bible.org/seriespage/boundaries-4-boundaries-family
Boundaries With Family Study By: Sue Bohlin
Susie had a problem that I had seen countless times before. This thirty-year-old woman would return from a visit to her parents' home and suffer a deep depression.
When she described her problem to me, I asked her if she noticed that every time she went home to visit, she came back extremely depressed.


http://www.gotquestions.org/honor-father-mother.html
Question: "What does it mean to honor my father and mother?"
Honoring your father and mother is being respectful in word and action and having an inward attitude of esteem for their position. The Greek word for honor means “to revere, prize, and value.” -- if you read further down it says that if a child's parents do ungodly things or go against God, then the child must choose God over his/her parents...


http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/search?q=religion
Narcissists Suck: "From Such Turn Away"
-- by Anna Valerious
"But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!" 2 Tim. 3:1-5 NKJV


http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.ca/2007/07/forgiveness.html
Narcissists Suck: Forgiveness
-- by Anna Valerious
The standard panacea unhelpfully offered to those who are struggling with abuse past and present is "forgiveness". It is always assumed that you must "forgive" and all will be healed in your torn up soul. Your emotional wounds will finally close and you'll even be able to invite your abuser over for Christmas dinner next December.


http://www.luke173ministries.org/537996
Is God Really Telling Us To Honor Abusive Parents?
By Rev. Renee Pittelli
This dilemma weighs heavy on the hearts of many children of abusive parents, and abusers and their Silent Partners never miss an opportunity to remind us that, as Christians, we “HAVE to honor our fathers and mothers”, apparently, and according to their thinking, no matter what. Certainly none of us wants to break one of the Ten Commandments. But the idea of rewarding abusers with honor seems completely irrational, and contradictory to just about everything else written in the Bible, where evildoers are never honored, but punished time and again. This is God’s Law of Sowing and Reaping (Galatians 6:7, Job 4:8), that those who do wrong will not benefit from their wickedness, but suffer the Natural Consequences of their actions.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-acosta-lisw-cht/dealing-with-narcissists_b_786512.html
Should You Forgive Narcissists Who've Hurt You?
-- by Judith Acosta 
In our dialogue about narcissists and sociopaths, many of you have shared your own stories. The damage people do is sometimes beyond my ken. The wounds they inflict because of thoughtlessness or pure malice can last a lifetime. Some of you wrote about your pain. Some were enraged. Some longed for reconciliation, others for vindication. Some wanted revenge, plain and simple, while others talked about letting go.
How does one proceed after living with or being raised by a narcissist?
There are choices.


http://www.spiritualwisdom.org.uk/forgiveness-spiritual-life.htm
Forgiveness
-- by Alan Misson: Editor of this Spiritual Wisdom website.
‘Forgive and forget’ is a well known saying but in so many situations in life both these things seem practically impossible. Trying to extend forgiveness to people who have hurt us, or those close to us, can cause much anguished heart and conscience searching, particularly to those trying to live a life based on religious beliefs.


http://timthurmansblog.blogspot.ca/2011/09/on-forgiveness-is-there-difference.html
On Forgiveness: Is There A Difference Between Forgiving And Excusing?
-- by Tim Thurman 
Should Mel Gibson be forgiven?
 When I think of Mel Gibson, many things come to my mind. 
 I think of the mind blowing, beautiful movie that he produced, The Passion of Christ.  I think of him hitting his girlfriend, and telling her that she deserved it.  I think of some of his earlier movies, the Lethal Weapon series, which are among my favorites. I think of his drunken anti-Semitic comments that he made.


http://www.durrance.com/FrAl/tract_on_forgiveness.htm
FORGIVENESS IS HEALING FOR OURSELVES
Published by the Order of St. Luke the Physician
Jim Glennon, one of the premier teachers about Christian healing can tell you in a heartbeat the importance of forgiveness to healing. It was through forgiveness over a period of time that enabled him to receive his own healing, and he has shared that revelation with many since that time. I am one of those.


http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2012/01/forgiveness-9-steps-to-releasing-the-burden/
Forgiveness: 9 Steps to Releasing the Burden By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
I see it every day. We all hold grudges against other people who we feel have hurt or offended us in some way or another. We even hold these grudges for people who aren’t even alive anymore. We do this with the false idea that somehow we are making them suffer by being hurt and angry with them.


http://elissestuart.wordpress.com/2008/11/06/can-you-truly-forgive-a-narcissist/
Can You Truly Forgive a Narcissist?
- by Elisse Stuart
Sometimes I get my best ideas for a post by using the search engine terms.  One of my friends pointed this part of the dashboard out to me when I first started blogging.  She said, “Look to see the search engine phrases people use to find your blog…”  This phrase was one that caught my attention this week.  To whoever…whomever… (?) entered this search term….thank you. 


http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/narcissism/healing_from_narcissistic_abuse.html
HEALING FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE: FORGIVENESS
-- author unknown 
In the aftermath of my encounter with an Internet psychopath or "cyberpath"- a severe form of mental rape along the narcissism continuum, I have puzzled over what "forgiveness" means, in books, and on the Internet. I have been exhorted, in groups, to "forgive", Forgive Or Forfeit Your "Soul". I have not been able to forgive, nor wished to forgive, nor dwelled on forgiveness and I don't think much about it when it comes to psychoguy. My experience is that I suffered an emotional holocaust and a nuclear winter in the aftermath- so why should I even begin to think about things like forgiveness? Why should I consider it at all?


http://www.narcissism101.com/CopingwithNarcissists/forgivenessforna.html
Forgiveness for Narcissists?
-- by Stephan McDonnell
Most people who deal with a Narcissist soon find out they are like the story of Brer Rabbit and the Tar Baby - the N leaves his or her sticky tarry fingers on you. Most people can ignore them. Ignore them at your own risk and peril! The N is constantly projecting his sickness onto others. The N projects his or her vision - reality - onto others so that they will mirror the N's inner turmoil. Most Ns are charming. They will manipulate, cajole, compliment you till they feel they have you in their power. What they want is for you to agree with them, then they want you to go along with whatever they say and do.


http://narc-attack.blogspot.ca/2007/12/war-and-peace-with-narcissist.html
What Make Narcissists Tick: War and Peace with the Narcissist
And so, what do you do if you cannot forgive your abuser?
What SHOULD you do? Which party is the obstacle to reconciliation here? You or your abuser?


http://www.masterjules.net/forgive.htm
FORGIVE AND FORGET. OR GRIEVE FOREVER
Today I did a google search on "collecting injustices" a fabulous old psych term Dr. Bergler used to describe people who try to get a negative payoff off blaming some evil doer. They go around grousing about evildoers at the same time sniffing down even imagined slights and virtually collecting a stack of injustices which they repeat zealously to anyone who'll listen!


http://www.sciscoop.com/2005-3-3-41324-14791.html
Narcissistic Personality Disorder And Forgiveness
-- Post by Ricky James
The researchers completed six studies that examined people’s willingness to forgive in a variety of situations, including cases from everyday life in which people were hurt or offended, hypothetical offense situations, and a laboratory-based game situation in which one subject was faced with aggressive behavior by another.


http://positiveenergyguide.com/healing/full-spectrum-forgiveness-part-13-social-appearances-inner-wounds-part-3/
Positive Energy Guide: Social Adaption Gone Awry
-- by Being Total
“Being positive” or acting “loving” can be driven by narcissism. Denying wounds drives them deeper and makes them inaccessible to healing or forgiveness.
I am going to say some things about narcissism. Please understand that this discussion is less about the disorder itself than a further commentary on the importance of owning our wounds.


http://socyberty.com/advice/forgiving-is-the-way-to-heal-from-narcissist-abuse/
Forgiving is The Way to Heal From Narcissist Abuse!
We did not deserve narcissistic abuse and we probably have a karmic duty to compensate the perpetrator for the pain and hurt that he so freely impressed up on us. But if we spend most of our time concentrating on the narcissist, on getting even or reconnecting we are affirming his perception of the victim being incapable of creating a life or better life without him.

DON'T FEEL BAD FOR LOVING YOUR MOM

We're hardwired to love our mom... A normal mother would actually protect us and look after our best interests. So that's why we, as children, were at a disadvantage. Seriously, we aren't stupid. That's how nature works.

Too bad sometimes moms aren't wasn't grown the way nature intended. With many of us, our mother is incapable of loving us. Sure she might dress us up as dolls and like us for our accomplishments, but she won't love us just because we're her children. In her world we have to earn her "love." And her love isn't real love, it's just what she thinks love is. Much like the rest of her life is a fantasy.

She's somehow pushed down all her feelings, decided she has to portray this fake image. She can't admit she's wrong, she can't admit she's not perfect. If she did it would make her like everyone else. There's something deep down inside of her that would experience tremendous pain if she just let go and admitted she was a human being.

Sometimes knowing this can make it even harder for someone to lessen or stop contact. What person in society leaves someone else behind? Where's the compassion? Where's the love? Here's the thing, though. Sometimes you can love them and have compassion for them, but you just can't be with them. You can't have a normal relationship, or feel any love or compassion or pity for them when they are in contact with you because they make you feel horrible about yourself when you get too close. It's so hard to get your head around the fact that you love this person, somehow, but they can't love you, and you can't be with them anymore because they are dangerous to be around. They sap your energy, they make you feel ill, they cause chaos, they lie. They do nothing for you and everything for themselves.

The difference between us and them... We may have recognized there was something wrong with our mother when we were younger. Maybe not all the time, but some times there would be clarity that, wow, this person who is supposed to be my mom sure doesn't act like a mom should. Maybe you grew up and moved out of the house, and away from your mom... Now you're out in the world, and a lot of people behave differently than you about certain things. For instance, there are people who love you for who you are and not for what you do. There are families who don't hold secrets and who aren't walking on eggshells. You are away from your home for a while and you feel great, but you notice when you come for a visit you start feeling bad about yourself and you are looking at your mom with new eyes.

Whatever the case may be, you and I, we've figured out something is wrong. We look for answers. We find out things and discover that because of our upbringing, we need to change ourselves and our point of view. This world isn't the way mom taught us at all! Those behaviours we learned as a child in order to survive, we don't need them anymore. We have to figure out a way to change how we view the world and how we think and react to it. Along the way, we figure out, "Hey, this wasn't ME! I thought all along it was ME but it was HER! How 'bout that!? ...Now what??!!"

And don't hate yourself for loving your mom. Don't hate yourself for not wanting to get away, and for trying to keep that bond. It's natural to feel pain and grieve when you realize that to protect yourself from her you had to leave. She pushed you away. It wasn't you. People who don't understand think there is something wrong with you, but you know the truth. Don't second-guess yourself just because the majority of children have normal mothers. Society is so hung up on the Sacred Mother being Wisdom and Nourishment and all that other lovey dovey stuff, it makes it so hard to NOT feel bad about leaving. It's such a tug back-and-forth over what you need and what you want and what you think is right and what society and other friends and family think is right (or what other people don't understand about you and what your mom is really like)...

Now we can change! And that's the biggest difference between us ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) and our Nparent(s). We know what's going on. We see the light. We don't deny things are wrong. We want to change. It won't be overnight, but we can begin the journey! We can stop the cycle. It doesn't have to be this way for us anymore, nor does it have to be this way for our children.

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Some quotes from the links provided below:

The mother-child bond is critical to healthy development. Love between the two is even biochemically hard-wired. We need to take note as society moves in a direction that assumes that so long as children's basic needs are met all is well. It isn't.
  During birth there is also an increase in the level of endorphins in the fetus so that in the moments following birth both mother and baby are under the effects of opiates. The role of these hormones is to encourage dependency, which ensures a strong attachment between mother and infant. In situations of failed affectional bonding between mother and baby there will be a deficiency of the appropriate hormones, which could leave a child susceptible to substance abuse in later life as the system continually attempts to right itself. You can say no to drugs, but not to neurobiology. Human brains have evolved from earlier mammals. The first portion of our brain that evolved on top of its reptilian heritage is the limbic system, the seat of emotion. It is this portion of the brain that permits mothers and their babies to bond. Mothers and babies are hardwired for the experience of togetherness. The habits of breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and babywearing practiced by the majority of mothers in non-industrialized cultures, and more and more in our own, facilitate two of the main components needed for optimal mother/child bonding: proximity and touch.

According to Sharon Heller’s book The Vital Touch, newborns will seek comfort in their mother immediately. “The human infant arrives hard-wired to seek contact with the mother. Take the newborn’s primitive reflexes. First, there is cuddling. When picked up and held, newborns mold their arms and legs into the cavity of our arms. Next there is clinging, the apparent purpose of which is to grasp mother and maintain contact.”

Science confirms what instinct has always sung in the hearts of mothers – that nature prepares mothers and babies to be able to commence their attachment as soon as the baby is born: Immediately after a natural birth, certain hormones that are part of the birth process remain at high levels within the mother’s and baby’s bodies and play a crucial role in the formation of their relationship. If this delicate balance of hormones is allowed to function in the very first moments after birth, by keeping mother and baby warm, in skin to skin contact with each other, and free of distractions, mother and baby are exquisitely, chemically, primed to fall in love with each other.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Mother-Love&id=84242
http://birthpsychology.com/free-article/birth-and-violence
http://givingbirthwithconfidence.org/2010/08/a-touch-today-for-a-better-tomorrow/
http://www.bobafamily.com/research/exterogestation-and-the-need-to-be-held/
http://defendthechildren.com/id174.html
http://mothering.com/parenting/the-science-of-mother-love
http://www.drjen4kids.com/soap%20box/normal_%20newborn.htm#.T8GX9FL4Igo
http://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby-sleep/cosleeping-is-it-part-of-bonding
http://www.mydailymoment.com/moms/parenting/mother_love.php
http://www.mother-2-mother.com/wisdom.html
http://www.babycenter.com/0_big-story-how-love-blossoms-between-you-and-your-child_1417762.bc
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/07/maternal-instinct-is-wired-into-the-brain/

http://www.parentingweekly.com/pregnancy/breathingspace/vol39/pregnancy_health_fitness.asp
Is Maternal Instinct Really Instinct?