We're
hardwired to love our mom... A normal mother would actually protect us
and look after our best interests. So that's why we, as children, were
at a disadvantage. Seriously, we aren't stupid. That's how nature
works.
Too bad sometimes moms aren't wasn't grown the way nature intended.
With many of us, our mother is incapable of loving us. Sure she might
dress us up as dolls and like us for our accomplishments, but she won't
love us just because we're her children. In her world we have to earn
her "love." And her love isn't real love, it's just what she thinks
love is. Much like the rest of her life is a fantasy.
She's somehow pushed down all her feelings, decided she has to
portray this fake image. She can't admit she's wrong, she can't admit
she's not perfect. If she did it would make her like everyone else.
There's something deep down inside of her that would experience
tremendous pain if she just let go and admitted she was a human being.
Sometimes knowing this can make it even harder for someone to lessen
or stop contact. What person in society leaves someone else behind?
Where's the compassion? Where's the love? Here's the thing, though.
Sometimes you can love them and have compassion for them, but you just
can't be with them. You can't have a normal relationship, or feel any
love or compassion or pity for them when they are in contact with you
because they make you feel horrible about yourself when you get too
close. It's so hard to get your head around the fact that you love this
person, somehow, but they can't love you, and you can't be with them
anymore because they are dangerous to be around. They sap your energy,
they make you feel ill, they cause chaos, they lie. They do nothing for
you and everything for themselves.
The difference between us and them... We may have recognized there
was something wrong with our mother when we were younger. Maybe not all
the time, but some times there would be clarity that, wow, this person
who is supposed to be my mom sure doesn't act like a mom should. Maybe
you grew up and moved out of the house, and away from your mom... Now
you're out in the world, and a lot of people behave differently than you
about certain things. For instance, there are people who love you for
who you are and not for what you do. There are families who don't hold
secrets and who aren't walking on eggshells. You are away from your
home for a while and you feel great, but you notice when you come for a
visit you start feeling bad about yourself and you are looking at your
mom with new eyes.
Whatever the case may be, you and I, we've figured out something
is wrong. We look for answers. We find out things and discover that
because of our upbringing, we need to change ourselves and our point of
view. This world isn't the way mom taught us at all! Those behaviours
we learned as a child in order to survive, we don't need them anymore.
We have to figure out a way to change how we view the world and how we
think and react to it. Along the way, we figure out, "Hey, this wasn't
ME! I thought all along it was ME but it was HER! How 'bout that!?
...Now what??!!"
And don't hate yourself for loving your mom. Don't hate yourself for
not wanting to get away, and for trying to keep that bond. It's
natural to feel pain and grieve when you realize that to protect
yourself from her you had to leave. She pushed you away. It wasn't
you. People who don't understand think there is something wrong with
you, but you know the truth. Don't second-guess yourself just because
the majority of children have normal mothers. Society is so hung up on
the Sacred Mother being Wisdom and Nourishment and all that other lovey
dovey stuff, it makes it so hard to NOT feel bad about leaving. It's
such a tug back-and-forth over what you need and what you want and what
you think is right and what society and other friends and family think
is right (or what other people don't understand about you and what your
mom is really like)...
Now we can change! And that's the biggest difference between us ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) and our Nparent(s). We know what's going on. We see the light. We don't deny things are wrong. We want
to change. It won't be overnight, but we can begin the journey! We
can stop the cycle. It doesn't have to be this way for us anymore, nor
does it have to be this way for our children.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some quotes from the links provided below:
The mother-child bond is critical to healthy development. Love between the two is even biochemically hard-wired.
We need to take note as society moves in a direction that assumes that
so long as children's basic needs are met all is well. It isn't.
During birth there is also an increase in the level of
endorphins in the fetus so that in the moments following birth both
mother and baby are under the effects of opiates. The role of these
hormones is to encourage dependency, which ensures a strong attachment
between mother and infant. In situations of failed
affectional bonding between mother and baby there will be a deficiency
of the appropriate hormones, which could leave a child susceptible to
substance abuse in later life as the system continually attempts to
right itself. You can say no to drugs, but not to neurobiology.
Human brains have evolved from earlier mammals. The first portion of
our brain that evolved on top of its reptilian heritage is the limbic
system, the seat of emotion. It is this portion of the brain that permits mothers and their babies to bond. Mothers and babies are hardwired for the experience of togetherness.
The habits of breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and babywearing practiced by
the majority of mothers in non-industrialized cultures, and more and
more in our own, facilitate two of the main components needed for
optimal mother/child bonding: proximity and touch.
According to Sharon Heller’s book The Vital Touch, newborns will seek comfort in their mother immediately. “The
human infant arrives hard-wired to seek contact with the mother. Take
the newborn’s primitive reflexes. First, there is cuddling. When picked
up and held, newborns mold their arms and legs into the cavity of our
arms. Next there is clinging, the apparent purpose of which is to grasp
mother and maintain contact.”
Science confirms what instinct has always sung in the hearts of
mothers – that nature prepares mothers and babies to be able to commence
their attachment as soon as the baby is born: Immediately after a
natural birth, certain hormones that are part of the birth process
remain at high levels within the mother’s and baby’s bodies and play a
crucial role in the formation of their relationship. If this
delicate balance of hormones is allowed to function in the very first
moments after birth, by keeping mother and baby warm, in skin to skin
contact with each other, and free of distractions, mother and baby are
exquisitely, chemically, primed to fall in love with each other.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Mother-Love&id=84242
http://birthpsychology.com/free-article/birth-and-violence
http://givingbirthwithconfidence.org/2010/08/a-touch-today-for-a-better-tomorrow/
http://www.bobafamily.com/research/exterogestation-and-the-need-to-be-held/
http://defendthechildren.com/id174.html
http://mothering.com/parenting/the-science-of-mother-love
http://www.drjen4kids.com/soap%20box/normal_%20newborn.htm#.T8GX9FL4Igo
http://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby-sleep/cosleeping-is-it-part-of-bonding
http://www.mydailymoment.com/moms/parenting/mother_love.php
http://www.mother-2-mother.com/wisdom.html
http://www.babycenter.com/0_big-story-how-love-blossoms-between-you-and-your-child_1417762.bc
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/07/maternal-instinct-is-wired-into-the-brain/
http://www.parentingweekly.com/pregnancy/breathingspace/vol39/pregnancy_health_fitness.asp
Is Maternal Instinct Really Instinct?
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