I
am not 100% sure when I realized I was a rescuer myself, however I was
keenly aware of the fact that my own Nmom always tried to "rescue"
people. I think when I became more aware of my mother's behaviour was
after I had been away from home and came back after two years.
At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on why it seemed so irritating that she was always trying to help. It slowly dawned on me. I didn't ASK for her to help me fix my situation, I just wanted an ear to listen and perhaps some words of encouragement. But if she asked what was going on in my life, and I answered honestly, suddenly she would start peppering me with questions like the Spanish Inquisition.
I tried to tell her, tactfully and politely, no thank you: "I appreciate your suggestions, but I want to do something else..." But then I began to realize, she doesn't listen to me, and doesn't really care to know what exactly it is that I want or need.
She would obsess about the same thing for weeks, even I let it go. If I was looking for a job, for example, she would get completely over-involved. She would call several times a day, and not really paying attention to the time, so we could get calls before we wake up or when we are getting ready for bed. Not a mother concerned with her daughter's or her son-in-law's sleeping patterns: not much consideration of other people going on there. She would ask me about a job I already had made a decision about, and I would say my opinion about it or why I didn't want to apply, and she would tell me I should apply anyway. Since when does anyone take a job one is not qualified for, or that one has no interest in? It got to the point that I couldn't come and visit her because then she'd start drilling me about what jobs have I been looking for, what clothes was I wearing to the interviews, what did I say during the interview, and what I should say, and what I should do. Couldn't just chat about pleasant things, it was always focused on this one thing in such a hard-driven manner.
That is just one example. Even if I wasn't looking for a job, she would get busy trying to influence me. When my fiance (now husband) and I still had a long distance relationship, she also tried to get me to date other men. She also tried to argue with my sister-in-law about getting a job teaching, when my mother doesn't even have a teaching degree, and my sister-in-law has been teaching for several years. My mom made it her business, calling around to various contacts because she felt it was necessary to educate herself on how I ought to make tenure.
One time, I made the mistake (once!) of telling her about a friend of mine who had recently broken up with a girlfriend, and she called him to ask if there was anything she could do for him!?!? I was so embarrassed!! It didn't seem to make any sense. Why would she call up my own friends and try to help them? Again, boundaries: she thought she's so wonderful and giving, why shouldn't she share her wisdom with everyone in the world.
I stopped telling her my problems, because I realized she just wants to get wedged into my every waking moment, and she wants to be responsible for me getting a job, and she wants me to have a specific sort of job, etc. It becomes uncomfortable, like when you've stuffed yourself too much on the holidays. Like your capacity for boundary-bashing is about to burst at the seams.
My mother didn't seem to know just how to observe conversations from a distance, and worse, she would become greatly offended if you didn't take her advice. Instead of just rejecting the advice, she would think you were rejecting her. And if you finally got angry and told her to stop once and for all, she would be ever so much the MORE wounded. She would rant about how "no one respects" her and she's "just trying to help and doesn't understand" why she's "so misunderstood!" The tiresome battle of convincing her not to feel hurt because you reject her opinions, which she thinks are facts, is excruciating.
And now, when it comes to rescuing, I realized somewhere down the road, I also would try to fix people. Got into some dangerous relationships because of it, trying to fix drug/alcohol abusers. Learned that from both my parents, I think. My dad made excuses and was passive when it came to my mom, making her the center of the universe. He lost sight of himself, his children, and his own extended family, because he had to protect and enable mom. I lost site of myself a few times. Didn't know where my friend/parent/boyfriend ended and I began. Sometimes I still don't know exactly what saved me from being consumed by other people. You really do feel like you're nothing because you disappear and become an extension of someone else.
One day I gave up on "rescuing" my mother. There was that last straw. Why did it seem to take so long? Well, I think it is because I knew, logically, for the longest time that one can't change another, or rescue someone who doesn't want to be saved. But something inside me did not want to give up on her. Love? That biological mother/child chemistry? Guilt? Her years of brainwashing? Whatever it was, I felt responsible for her well-being. I felt that there must be something I can do to show her I love her, so maybe she will finally "see." But logic didn't work very well, at first. Let me explain further...
I observed in my own life and in a few others' lives that you can talk to a person, or you can even talk to yourself logically, but those primal emotions and the way we are as human beings makes it difficult to steer toward a logical destination.
It's like we are driving, and arrive at a crossroads. One sign points to Happiness, and the other points to Familiar. In one side of our vehicle we have our logical brain saying, "You don't want to go back to Familiar, do you, remember what happened last time? The people down that road will throw rocks at you, and they don't have any police out there.."
But in the backseat is your inner child and all your emotions having fights and making a ruckus... "Don't listen! We wanna go that way, it's our home! When we get run off the road at least we're getting attention! Don't make us go down that other road, it's really scary when it gets dark, and it's so bumpy. It's such a long, long way to Happiness, and we're tired. Are we there yet??!!"
For some reason, I've noticed that although my analytical, logical, scientific, reasoning brain told me for the longest time that I should do something that made perfect or even common sense, my emotions and my inner child wanted immediate needs met. My logic worked for the bigger picture, but my emotions didn't have patience, and didn't want to wait for better things to happen. And for me, it was like I had to get hurt enough times before it sank deep enough into my emotions and my primal thinking, or perhaps my thick skull, and through all that brainwashing.
It seemed completely detached from intelligence, this need to be with mom. Or this need to heal someone that doesn't want to be fixed. I needed to feel that stab of reality. You feel that tender spot inside curling up like a dried-up burning leaf? It's that fetal position in which you try to protect yourself, and hide that truth from yourself under layers. But you have to force yourself to accept the truth. Other people can see it even if you pretend it's not there. Besides, you don't want to deny it's there, like N Mother does. You can accept that you need healing, and that you're human and make mistakes. All people do. Mistakes are learning opportunities. That's all. If you don't learn from them, you're doomed to repeat them.
It's like your inner parent has to gently encourage your inner child to let go of protecting herself so she can see the truth. Our inner parents didn't have very good role models... So we have to learn to be gentle to ourselves, but firm. That means no beating ourselves up for slip-ups. Just, "Oh dear, well, we learned what happens when we take that route, and we'll try something different next time." That means reminding ourselves of the long term benefits that boundaries and keeping our own identities is best in the long run, because to let ourselves to continue being lost in the dysfunction and continuing to be passive and continuing with the old patterns might be familiar to us...
The old paths and old ways of doing things might satisfy something small inside us for the present.... But if we untangle ourselves from that jungle path, we will be pleased to forge our own way and find some light of our own. We need someone to help us sometimes, to climb the mountain to look down at our terrain and find our bearings... Sometimes a therapist, sometimes a priest, sometimes a really good friend. But you have to WANT to see that map of your life, otherwise you'll just keep beating a path around in circles, or let your tires stay in those ruts. You'll remain stuck, because you're used to it, and this is the only way you've ever known. It's hard to change. You need preparation. You need help. You need support.
Just really got to know a bit more about the rescuer types I think when I read a book from Victoria Secunda, "When You And Your Mother Can't Be Friends."
Anyone else want to share or give their story?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Examples of Unhealthy Rescuers:
Attention-seeking personality disorders,victim syndrome, insecurity and centre of attention behaviour
UK Bully Online
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm
The rescuer: particularly common in family situations, she's the one who will dash in and "rescue" people whenever the moment is opportune - to herself, that is. She then gains gratification from basking in the glory of her humanitarian actions. She will prey on any person suffering misfortune, infirmity, illness, injury, or anyone who has a vulnerability. The act of rescue and thus the opportunities for gaining attention can be enhanced if others are excluded from the act of rescue; this helps create a dependency relationship between the rescuer and rescued which can be exploited for further acts of rescue (and attention) later. When not in rescue mode, the rescuer may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person she is rescuing.
The Rescuer Complex
by Melissa Flores
http://melissaflores.org/2011/01/07/the-rescuer-complex/
Some folks are victim magnets. It seems they can’t or won’t cultivate a relationship with anyone who is emotionally or spiritually healthy. The “rescuer” often feels he or she is on a mission from God or some other altruistic, inner impetus to save the dysfunctional world. May I suggest these non-divine reasons behind the rescuer complex? It could be…
Psych Gripe: Therapist Types: The Rescuer
By "A Bitter Pill" -- I am a mental health professional of many years' service. I am not anti-psychiatry but wish to promote critical thought and questioning in a field dominated by ideology, fads, wishful thinking, and overconfidence.
http://psychgripe.blogspot.ca/2010/12/therapist-types-rescuer.html
The Rescuer Symptom List as well as subtypes...
The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others
by Mary C Lamia, PH.D. and Marilyn J. Krieger, PH.D.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/22426161/
Do you find yourself attracted to people who are helpless, vulnerable, or damaged, or feel like you always end up taking care of your romantic partners? If you fall into this relationship pattern, you're likely a white knight-a person who tends to seek out partners who need rescuing.
At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on why it seemed so irritating that she was always trying to help. It slowly dawned on me. I didn't ASK for her to help me fix my situation, I just wanted an ear to listen and perhaps some words of encouragement. But if she asked what was going on in my life, and I answered honestly, suddenly she would start peppering me with questions like the Spanish Inquisition.
I tried to tell her, tactfully and politely, no thank you: "I appreciate your suggestions, but I want to do something else..." But then I began to realize, she doesn't listen to me, and doesn't really care to know what exactly it is that I want or need.
She would obsess about the same thing for weeks, even I let it go. If I was looking for a job, for example, she would get completely over-involved. She would call several times a day, and not really paying attention to the time, so we could get calls before we wake up or when we are getting ready for bed. Not a mother concerned with her daughter's or her son-in-law's sleeping patterns: not much consideration of other people going on there. She would ask me about a job I already had made a decision about, and I would say my opinion about it or why I didn't want to apply, and she would tell me I should apply anyway. Since when does anyone take a job one is not qualified for, or that one has no interest in? It got to the point that I couldn't come and visit her because then she'd start drilling me about what jobs have I been looking for, what clothes was I wearing to the interviews, what did I say during the interview, and what I should say, and what I should do. Couldn't just chat about pleasant things, it was always focused on this one thing in such a hard-driven manner.
That is just one example. Even if I wasn't looking for a job, she would get busy trying to influence me. When my fiance (now husband) and I still had a long distance relationship, she also tried to get me to date other men. She also tried to argue with my sister-in-law about getting a job teaching, when my mother doesn't even have a teaching degree, and my sister-in-law has been teaching for several years. My mom made it her business, calling around to various contacts because she felt it was necessary to educate herself on how I ought to make tenure.
One time, I made the mistake (once!) of telling her about a friend of mine who had recently broken up with a girlfriend, and she called him to ask if there was anything she could do for him!?!? I was so embarrassed!! It didn't seem to make any sense. Why would she call up my own friends and try to help them? Again, boundaries: she thought she's so wonderful and giving, why shouldn't she share her wisdom with everyone in the world.
I stopped telling her my problems, because I realized she just wants to get wedged into my every waking moment, and she wants to be responsible for me getting a job, and she wants me to have a specific sort of job, etc. It becomes uncomfortable, like when you've stuffed yourself too much on the holidays. Like your capacity for boundary-bashing is about to burst at the seams.
My mother didn't seem to know just how to observe conversations from a distance, and worse, she would become greatly offended if you didn't take her advice. Instead of just rejecting the advice, she would think you were rejecting her. And if you finally got angry and told her to stop once and for all, she would be ever so much the MORE wounded. She would rant about how "no one respects" her and she's "just trying to help and doesn't understand" why she's "so misunderstood!" The tiresome battle of convincing her not to feel hurt because you reject her opinions, which she thinks are facts, is excruciating.
And now, when it comes to rescuing, I realized somewhere down the road, I also would try to fix people. Got into some dangerous relationships because of it, trying to fix drug/alcohol abusers. Learned that from both my parents, I think. My dad made excuses and was passive when it came to my mom, making her the center of the universe. He lost sight of himself, his children, and his own extended family, because he had to protect and enable mom. I lost site of myself a few times. Didn't know where my friend/parent/boyfriend ended and I began. Sometimes I still don't know exactly what saved me from being consumed by other people. You really do feel like you're nothing because you disappear and become an extension of someone else.
One day I gave up on "rescuing" my mother. There was that last straw. Why did it seem to take so long? Well, I think it is because I knew, logically, for the longest time that one can't change another, or rescue someone who doesn't want to be saved. But something inside me did not want to give up on her. Love? That biological mother/child chemistry? Guilt? Her years of brainwashing? Whatever it was, I felt responsible for her well-being. I felt that there must be something I can do to show her I love her, so maybe she will finally "see." But logic didn't work very well, at first. Let me explain further...
I observed in my own life and in a few others' lives that you can talk to a person, or you can even talk to yourself logically, but those primal emotions and the way we are as human beings makes it difficult to steer toward a logical destination.
It's like we are driving, and arrive at a crossroads. One sign points to Happiness, and the other points to Familiar. In one side of our vehicle we have our logical brain saying, "You don't want to go back to Familiar, do you, remember what happened last time? The people down that road will throw rocks at you, and they don't have any police out there.."
But in the backseat is your inner child and all your emotions having fights and making a ruckus... "Don't listen! We wanna go that way, it's our home! When we get run off the road at least we're getting attention! Don't make us go down that other road, it's really scary when it gets dark, and it's so bumpy. It's such a long, long way to Happiness, and we're tired. Are we there yet??!!"
For some reason, I've noticed that although my analytical, logical, scientific, reasoning brain told me for the longest time that I should do something that made perfect or even common sense, my emotions and my inner child wanted immediate needs met. My logic worked for the bigger picture, but my emotions didn't have patience, and didn't want to wait for better things to happen. And for me, it was like I had to get hurt enough times before it sank deep enough into my emotions and my primal thinking, or perhaps my thick skull, and through all that brainwashing.
It seemed completely detached from intelligence, this need to be with mom. Or this need to heal someone that doesn't want to be fixed. I needed to feel that stab of reality. You feel that tender spot inside curling up like a dried-up burning leaf? It's that fetal position in which you try to protect yourself, and hide that truth from yourself under layers. But you have to force yourself to accept the truth. Other people can see it even if you pretend it's not there. Besides, you don't want to deny it's there, like N Mother does. You can accept that you need healing, and that you're human and make mistakes. All people do. Mistakes are learning opportunities. That's all. If you don't learn from them, you're doomed to repeat them.
It's like your inner parent has to gently encourage your inner child to let go of protecting herself so she can see the truth. Our inner parents didn't have very good role models... So we have to learn to be gentle to ourselves, but firm. That means no beating ourselves up for slip-ups. Just, "Oh dear, well, we learned what happens when we take that route, and we'll try something different next time." That means reminding ourselves of the long term benefits that boundaries and keeping our own identities is best in the long run, because to let ourselves to continue being lost in the dysfunction and continuing to be passive and continuing with the old patterns might be familiar to us...
The old paths and old ways of doing things might satisfy something small inside us for the present.... But if we untangle ourselves from that jungle path, we will be pleased to forge our own way and find some light of our own. We need someone to help us sometimes, to climb the mountain to look down at our terrain and find our bearings... Sometimes a therapist, sometimes a priest, sometimes a really good friend. But you have to WANT to see that map of your life, otherwise you'll just keep beating a path around in circles, or let your tires stay in those ruts. You'll remain stuck, because you're used to it, and this is the only way you've ever known. It's hard to change. You need preparation. You need help. You need support.
Just really got to know a bit more about the rescuer types I think when I read a book from Victoria Secunda, "When You And Your Mother Can't Be Friends."
Anyone else want to share or give their story?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Examples of Unhealthy Rescuers:
Attention-seeking personality disorders,victim syndrome, insecurity and centre of attention behaviour
UK Bully Online
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm
The rescuer: particularly common in family situations, she's the one who will dash in and "rescue" people whenever the moment is opportune - to herself, that is. She then gains gratification from basking in the glory of her humanitarian actions. She will prey on any person suffering misfortune, infirmity, illness, injury, or anyone who has a vulnerability. The act of rescue and thus the opportunities for gaining attention can be enhanced if others are excluded from the act of rescue; this helps create a dependency relationship between the rescuer and rescued which can be exploited for further acts of rescue (and attention) later. When not in rescue mode, the rescuer may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person she is rescuing.
The Rescuer Complex
by Melissa Flores
http://melissaflores.org/2011/01/07/the-rescuer-complex/
Some folks are victim magnets. It seems they can’t or won’t cultivate a relationship with anyone who is emotionally or spiritually healthy. The “rescuer” often feels he or she is on a mission from God or some other altruistic, inner impetus to save the dysfunctional world. May I suggest these non-divine reasons behind the rescuer complex? It could be…
Psych Gripe: Therapist Types: The Rescuer
By "A Bitter Pill" -- I am a mental health professional of many years' service. I am not anti-psychiatry but wish to promote critical thought and questioning in a field dominated by ideology, fads, wishful thinking, and overconfidence.
http://psychgripe.blogspot.ca/2010/12/therapist-types-rescuer.html
The Rescuer Symptom List as well as subtypes...
The White Knight Syndrome: Rescuing Yourself from Your Need to Rescue Others
by Mary C Lamia, PH.D. and Marilyn J. Krieger, PH.D.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/22426161/
Do you find yourself attracted to people who are helpless, vulnerable, or damaged, or feel like you always end up taking care of your romantic partners? If you fall into this relationship pattern, you're likely a white knight-a person who tends to seek out partners who need rescuing.
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