Taken from an article online:
By A.J. Mahari Consumer: Borderline Personality Disorder Borderline Personality.org
A.J. Mahari, of Canada, is professional freelance writer who is a survivor of sexual abuse, and a person who has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Narcissists are in pain. Their humanity must be recognized.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it as monstrous. No one is the sum total of any diagnosis.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it along with others with varying degrees of narcissism as monstrous people without worth. Rarely, in life, is the sum total of any human being with a personality disorder or not that simple or that black and white.
Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is isolating, disenfranchising, painful, and formidable for those diagnosed with it and often those who know them. Distinctions need to be made between those who have NPD because not each and every person with NPD is the same. Even with similar core issues the way in which one’s individual narcissism manifests itself in his or her relationships varies.
There is an irrefutable truth that many who have NPD are abusive. However, not all with NPD are abusive. Amongst those with NPD who are abusive the form and severity that their abuse takes will vary from individual to individual.
Chief among the traits that define Narcissistic Personality Disorder are what is described as a lack of empathy and a lack of compassion – not to be confused with the lack of conscience seen in the most severe form of narcissism within NPD – The Malignant Narcissism Syndrome (Kernberg 1992 – according to “The Handbook of Personality Disorders – Theory and Practice,” edited by Jeffery J. Magnavita - Pg 100) and that is most notably a feature in those diagnosed as having a psychopathic personality known as Antisocial Personality Disorder(APD). NPD and APD are not one in the same.
According to Wikipedia “Otto Kernberg described malignant narcissism as a syndrome characterized by a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial features, paranoid traits, and ego-syntonic aggression. Some also may find an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and a sense of importance (grandiosity). … Malignant narcissism is considered part of the spectrum of pathological narcissism, which ranges from the Cleckley's antisocial character (today's psychopath) at the high end of severity, to malignant narcissism, to NPD at the low end.”
Most with NPD struggle to understand the experience of others because they are too involved in their own inner experience. An inner experience that is then projected out onto others in ways that leave others being treated as mere extensions of the narcissist who needs to have reflected back his or her own image of self. When this image of self is reflected back in ways that enhance how the narcissist feels about him/herself, all is well. This, for the narcissist is the experience of the gratification of narcissistic supply.
The person with NPD cannot really see others separately from the way he/she experiences the world from his or her point of view only. Most everything is experienced as being about them, some extension of them, or as thwarting their wants and/or needs.
What is the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder? What does the false self mean? To read more in answer to these two questions please check out my ebook, The Shadows and Echoes of Self- The False Self Born Out of the Core Wound of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder.
Those with NPD are blinded to the external unfolding experience of others in relation to them. They are lacking in self-awareness, often, of how others experience them. Narcissists live their lives from the inside and do not have a very flexible or evident insight into what the difference is between their image of themselves versus who they really are (as seen and defined by others) and who they hold themselves out to be.
Narcissists, often, tremendously lack insight and awareness into themselves because they cannot see past this created, exaggerated and aggrandized image of self that is incongruent with who they really are and how others experience them. Trying to feedback to those with NPD about their actions, or behavior and so forth can be very frustrating because it is too painful for the narcissist to look behind the reflection of aggrandized self that they must have mirrored back to them in order to psychologically survive. The narcissist’s grandiosity is a defense against profound psychological pain.
The narcissist’s self-focus, along with his or her constant taking as they reel in this much-needed supply that buffs up and sustains their (albeit illusionary) image of grandiose and special self, interferes in this or her ability to share in the mutuality and/or reciprocity needed for healthier relating.
Those with NPD, while often described as stuck on themselves, or as full of themselves, truly are lost to themselves. Unlike those with BPD who have no sense of an actual known self and whose core wound of abandonment results in a lost self – those with NPD experience an emotional arrest at an earlier stage of early childhood development than do those with BPD (Masterson) that results in a image of a self that is held to perfection in a way that excludes the reality of the narcissist’s pain. Anything that contradicts the image of perfection threatens his or her psychological survival and is much too painful and threatening to even acknowledge.
Being on the other side of a narcissist can be very painful and frustrating. Relationships with most with NPD are usually not very satisfying or rewarding, emotionally, for those who are non-personality disordered.
Most people, who have been in, or are in, a relationship with someone with NPD feel very lonely and often invisible. Those who have NPD are not emotionally available and this is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with for others.
The reality that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder or in some cases, both personality disorders, does not and should not excuse their abusive behavior in any way. The challenge for the personality disordered is to learn how to take personal responsibility. Often those with NPD and/or BPD will put the responsibility for their poor, disrespectful, or abusive behavior onto those they are relating to. Do not accept this responsibility. To do so is painful and crazy-making and only gives permission to the personality-disordered to continue to treat you the way they do and to blame you for it or try to have you believe that their behavior results from what you do or don't do - this is not true.
It is important to have compassion for those who have NPD. They are not all monsters, nor do they all behave in monstrous ways. If you are in tremendous emotional pain you may need to find ways to emotionally detach whether you stay in the relationship or not.
With healthy emotional detachment, and even when we have to remove ourselves from the abuse of a narcissist, how can we say that we are any different from a narcissist if we do not have empathy and compassion for those diagnosed with NPD?
How can we criticize what those with NPD are not able to share or do, if we ourselves aren’t prepared to share what we are actually capable of?
Having compassion for a narcissist doesn't mean, however, sadly enough in many cases, that we can stay connected to the narcissist or actively share that compassion with the person with NPD. The best we can do is to recognize that not all things that those with NPD do, are done with malice. Those in relationships with those with NPD and/or who have been abused by someone with NPD need to take care of themselves. Having compassion for the narcissist doesn't mean staying in the relationship.
Compassion, like forgiveness, are gifts that you truly give to yourself as much as to anyone with NPD. Actively being aware of both will help you heal and will set you free from any and all painful entanglement with someone with NPD.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Mom and Dad
I mixed some text from this website: http://ezinearticles.com/?Perfect-Match---The-Narcissist-Marries-a-Borderline-Personality&id=1351464 with some of my own notes to get a better grip on our family's dynamic.
When a narcissist (mother) chooses a marital partner, she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow her lead in every aspect of life. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from her partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should her faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder (dad). These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The Narcissist is the master; the Borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of her borderline spouse that he an be disposed of precipitously.
For example, in my father's case, he thinks he is doomed to get Alzheimer's like his own dad. He has said that he has to look after mom now, because later in life he is sure she will have to look after him. And it probably didn't help when his father started succumbing to Alzheimer's that everyone seemed glad and that they were waiting impatiently for his death, and left him, in the end, at the hospital. This is kind of sad, to think that my dad thinks that because he might become a burden later, he has to be a servant to pay for it now. I think my dad fears he will be left to rot in a hospital bed, despised by his entire family. But he is NOT his father.
I also think, like me at one time, he thinks he's losing his mind because she does that little trick where she changes the details of an event or says that how he remembers it wasn't how it happened, etc. She is gaslighting. So Dad is really sane, but Mom makes him doubt that..
The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. I have done this before as well, with mother to some extent and then to some unsavoury boyfriends. I tell you I am lucky to have survived long enough to meet my husband, D. He is my hero! 8) This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic. Which annoyed my mother to no end: she kept telling me not to take on everyone's pain and not to worry so much about other people's lives.
My dad's father was very very hard on his children and wife. He was a drill sargeant even when he wasn't away at war. He was either absent or he was a fist coming down on his family. The years we visited them, when I was a child, I seem to remember some of my grandfather's behaviours and, upon reflection, I believe my dad's father had a Narcissist PD. So perhaps my grandmother had BPD, because she was very meek and did whatever she was told, and seemed to be thought of as the one you go to for comfort, the one who looked after everyone lovingly. I believe my father felt anger towards his father and put his mom on a pedestal. In the end, neither of my dad's parents could offer the love that a child needs, let alone his eight brothers and sisters. He appears to have suffered the same fate that we, his children have. But the roles are reversed. Mom is the Narcissist and he is the BPD.
I also strongly believe that my mother appeared to him as a meek BPD (and very well may have been at one time)... She was emotionally abused and affected as well by a Narcissistic parent. I think, in her case, it might have been my mom's mother. She was always trying to get attention in a negative manner. She would exhaust herself by cooking elaborate meals for instance and then try to get more attention by berating herself for overcooking something or making something taste bland. She was also a very depressed individual, and seemed to worry about everyone all the time, but also what others thought of her. It's hard to say. Grampa, on the other hand, was a self-educated man, proud of what he had accomplished. He was a janitor, but he wasn't meek. He was a very generous person who helped people, etc, and I remember fondly that he could beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit, hands down. If anything he was a fairly stable individual, or at least appeared to be. Because my mother said her father beat her with a vacuum cord once. And from what my mom has told me about her childhood, she was always trying to be good, followed the rules of the house, and didn't act permiscously etc, so I am not sure what could have precipitated a beating like that, perhaps other than grades. So it could have been Grampa who had NPD. Mind you, from what I have read, BPD do also possibly have psychotic episodes if pushed to the brink, so there could have been a lot of things going on. For instance, perhaps our alcoholic aunt, his daughter Maria, was out of control and perhaps because our other aunt, their daughter Gina, left home at 16 years of age and married so young (possibly because of being unwed & pregnant with my cousin N)... I still get from the consistancy of their behaviour, that Gramma MAY have had NPD and Grampa MAY have had BPD or at least Gramma suffered from some sort of depression. It could have been the other way around completely, for all I know.
The interesting thing was, in our family, I was the one who always tried to be good, although in my adolescence my grades and academic performance weren't all that great either. I was usually discouraged from doing anything really good because that, of course, would be showing up or showing off in front of C (middle brother) and be something that broke his heart and made him feel awful about himself. And, like mom, since I was the only one left around to punish, that's probably why she always seemed to enjoy picking on me. The whole house was out of control: C (middle brother) didn't stick to the rules and if things got too pressurized he just left the house. R (my youngest brother) and her argued about R's health (he had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I imagine since C's behaviour seemed completely out of control (partially her own doing, as she would set rules for him and constantly let them slid when he disobeyed because she felt he 'didn't understand'), so she had to turn to something else. Of course, R's (my youngest brother) health & sleeping pattern was not something controllable either.
But back to mom & dad's marriage...
This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.
Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological problems as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and depression.
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has been interviewed on numerous radio talk shows throughout the country.
Visit her website at: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Martinez-Lewi_Ph.D.
When a narcissist (mother) chooses a marital partner, she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow her lead in every aspect of life. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from her partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should her faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder (dad). These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The Narcissist is the master; the Borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of her borderline spouse that he an be disposed of precipitously.
For example, in my father's case, he thinks he is doomed to get Alzheimer's like his own dad. He has said that he has to look after mom now, because later in life he is sure she will have to look after him. And it probably didn't help when his father started succumbing to Alzheimer's that everyone seemed glad and that they were waiting impatiently for his death, and left him, in the end, at the hospital. This is kind of sad, to think that my dad thinks that because he might become a burden later, he has to be a servant to pay for it now. I think my dad fears he will be left to rot in a hospital bed, despised by his entire family. But he is NOT his father.
I also think, like me at one time, he thinks he's losing his mind because she does that little trick where she changes the details of an event or says that how he remembers it wasn't how it happened, etc. She is gaslighting. So Dad is really sane, but Mom makes him doubt that..
The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. I have done this before as well, with mother to some extent and then to some unsavoury boyfriends. I tell you I am lucky to have survived long enough to meet my husband, D. He is my hero! 8) This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic. Which annoyed my mother to no end: she kept telling me not to take on everyone's pain and not to worry so much about other people's lives.
My dad's father was very very hard on his children and wife. He was a drill sargeant even when he wasn't away at war. He was either absent or he was a fist coming down on his family. The years we visited them, when I was a child, I seem to remember some of my grandfather's behaviours and, upon reflection, I believe my dad's father had a Narcissist PD. So perhaps my grandmother had BPD, because she was very meek and did whatever she was told, and seemed to be thought of as the one you go to for comfort, the one who looked after everyone lovingly. I believe my father felt anger towards his father and put his mom on a pedestal. In the end, neither of my dad's parents could offer the love that a child needs, let alone his eight brothers and sisters. He appears to have suffered the same fate that we, his children have. But the roles are reversed. Mom is the Narcissist and he is the BPD.
I also strongly believe that my mother appeared to him as a meek BPD (and very well may have been at one time)... She was emotionally abused and affected as well by a Narcissistic parent. I think, in her case, it might have been my mom's mother. She was always trying to get attention in a negative manner. She would exhaust herself by cooking elaborate meals for instance and then try to get more attention by berating herself for overcooking something or making something taste bland. She was also a very depressed individual, and seemed to worry about everyone all the time, but also what others thought of her. It's hard to say. Grampa, on the other hand, was a self-educated man, proud of what he had accomplished. He was a janitor, but he wasn't meek. He was a very generous person who helped people, etc, and I remember fondly that he could beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit, hands down. If anything he was a fairly stable individual, or at least appeared to be. Because my mother said her father beat her with a vacuum cord once. And from what my mom has told me about her childhood, she was always trying to be good, followed the rules of the house, and didn't act permiscously etc, so I am not sure what could have precipitated a beating like that, perhaps other than grades. So it could have been Grampa who had NPD. Mind you, from what I have read, BPD do also possibly have psychotic episodes if pushed to the brink, so there could have been a lot of things going on. For instance, perhaps our alcoholic aunt, his daughter Maria, was out of control and perhaps because our other aunt, their daughter Gina, left home at 16 years of age and married so young (possibly because of being unwed & pregnant with my cousin N)... I still get from the consistancy of their behaviour, that Gramma MAY have had NPD and Grampa MAY have had BPD or at least Gramma suffered from some sort of depression. It could have been the other way around completely, for all I know.
The interesting thing was, in our family, I was the one who always tried to be good, although in my adolescence my grades and academic performance weren't all that great either. I was usually discouraged from doing anything really good because that, of course, would be showing up or showing off in front of C (middle brother) and be something that broke his heart and made him feel awful about himself. And, like mom, since I was the only one left around to punish, that's probably why she always seemed to enjoy picking on me. The whole house was out of control: C (middle brother) didn't stick to the rules and if things got too pressurized he just left the house. R (my youngest brother) and her argued about R's health (he had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I imagine since C's behaviour seemed completely out of control (partially her own doing, as she would set rules for him and constantly let them slid when he disobeyed because she felt he 'didn't understand'), so she had to turn to something else. Of course, R's (my youngest brother) health & sleeping pattern was not something controllable either.
But back to mom & dad's marriage...
This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.
Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological problems as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and depression.
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has been interviewed on numerous radio talk shows throughout the country.
Visit her website at: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Martinez-Lewi_Ph.D.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wisdom from Sensei
I can pretty much agree with T that this is definitely Mom:
A bit more perspective on narcissism. With all personality disorder diagnoses, there is usually some breakdown in parent-child emotional bonding in the development of narcissistic tendencies which begets the compensatory desire-merging-into-belief one is special/entitled/privileged. It may come about because of contradictory messages from the caregiver(s); one says “You’re great” while the other says “You suck/I don’t love you”. The child naturally wants the “you’re great” message and in adulthood will replay the drama of needing admiration and rejecting negative feedback while behaving selfishly in ways that guarantee more negative feedback. In adulthood, others may get cast in quasi-parental roles (without knowing they are even in a play) in the narcissist’s attempts to heal the narcissistic wound and, when they inevitably fail to do so, may be chastised or discarded as the individual projects the internalized negative message outward (projecting it onto others) and, in various ways, tells those who fail to love her adequately “you suck/I don’t love you”. The narcissist is always given mixed messages in childhood, and goes on to constantly give others mixed messages (e.g., I want to give you a house versus I want you to give me money/love/admiration in return; I will take care of your needs versus I want you to take care of my needs.) In their childhood world, love was always contingent, therefore that’s how they exhibit love, as a series of contingent negotiations where every worm they throw out has a hook imbedded in it. Love must be coerced through symbols (e.g., money, possessions), not given and received freely. But, because most people don’t respond well to this approach, there is constant reinforcement of the narcissistic wound because no one can give them the love that will heal it. You can be their fan or an acolyte, but you can never be allowed to relate to them as an equal. Often, this person never felt securely loved in childhood, and doesn’t know how to have that kind of relationship. They live in a world where, to get what they want, they have to make deals that have nothing to do with what they really want.
I think narcissists frequently lie to others but their lies become “true” to them as a part of a life narrative of “I’m great, YOU suck” because their versions of events always reinforce their view of themselves and their relationships to others. In a sense, they keep lying to themselves, too, to maintain the fiction that they are great and loveable. Thus, it is difficult to argue with them about the relationship because they will reject or jettison any logic or detail in your argument that doesn’t fit their biography in which they are both hero and victim. Most of us do this to a more limited extent, but the narcissist can’t tolerate the self-examination because they are working so hard to project how great they are that it would be exposing the wound at their centre to allow any critique.
I know a university professor who ended up causing a lot of harm to her graduate students because she saw them as soldiers in her army, so whenever they didn’t toe the line they were punished verbally. When a series of students quit working with her sought new advisors, she could not identify any responsibility on her part for these relationship breakdowns; her answer was she had a lot of “weak students”. There was no insight there at all into the fact that what all those problems had in common was her and her behaviour. There are also borderline characteristics in that individual, as there seem to be in your mother’s situation, but I think the narcissism component is more difficult because the individual defends the ego against any and all challenges, rather than questioning whether they might be part of the problem. Borderline pd clients will often seek help, narcissists won’t admit they need any and won’t accept help if it challenges them to examine their own behaviour. They are selfish and even that they redraw as altruism. Thus, your mother buys these properties ostensibly to “give” each of you a house, but her goal is to make money for her self and for you to “give” something back to her; part of the money, gratitude, favours. It’s an extreme form of the behaviour wherein one gives presents so as to get them; the goal is getting something and giving is just another means of doing that. This professor also saw herself as highly ethical and even taught ethics while behaving unethically toward students. She did not see the contradiction and students feared her because she could become quite punishing if she didn’t get her way. She viewed the world in terms of allies/acolytes and enemies. Does she sound a lot like your mother?
Read up on narcissistic and borderline p.d., and maybe you can clarify for them what it is they are dealing with and how to deal with it more effectively. And try to develop some compassion (without necessarily moving to guilt and doing things you don’t feel right about), since she was not born this way but made this way by some childhood dynamic she does not even understand and likely cannot tolerate examining. As strong and fear-inducing as she may be to you and your siblings, if this is her situation then she is not strong; the strength is an illusion she created. Her behaviour of roping you guys into things is an expression of need.
A bit more perspective on narcissism. With all personality disorder diagnoses, there is usually some breakdown in parent-child emotional bonding in the development of narcissistic tendencies which begets the compensatory desire-merging-into-belief one is special/entitled/privileged. It may come about because of contradictory messages from the caregiver(s); one says “You’re great” while the other says “You suck/I don’t love you”. The child naturally wants the “you’re great” message and in adulthood will replay the drama of needing admiration and rejecting negative feedback while behaving selfishly in ways that guarantee more negative feedback. In adulthood, others may get cast in quasi-parental roles (without knowing they are even in a play) in the narcissist’s attempts to heal the narcissistic wound and, when they inevitably fail to do so, may be chastised or discarded as the individual projects the internalized negative message outward (projecting it onto others) and, in various ways, tells those who fail to love her adequately “you suck/I don’t love you”. The narcissist is always given mixed messages in childhood, and goes on to constantly give others mixed messages (e.g., I want to give you a house versus I want you to give me money/love/admiration in return; I will take care of your needs versus I want you to take care of my needs.) In their childhood world, love was always contingent, therefore that’s how they exhibit love, as a series of contingent negotiations where every worm they throw out has a hook imbedded in it. Love must be coerced through symbols (e.g., money, possessions), not given and received freely. But, because most people don’t respond well to this approach, there is constant reinforcement of the narcissistic wound because no one can give them the love that will heal it. You can be their fan or an acolyte, but you can never be allowed to relate to them as an equal. Often, this person never felt securely loved in childhood, and doesn’t know how to have that kind of relationship. They live in a world where, to get what they want, they have to make deals that have nothing to do with what they really want.
I think narcissists frequently lie to others but their lies become “true” to them as a part of a life narrative of “I’m great, YOU suck” because their versions of events always reinforce their view of themselves and their relationships to others. In a sense, they keep lying to themselves, too, to maintain the fiction that they are great and loveable. Thus, it is difficult to argue with them about the relationship because they will reject or jettison any logic or detail in your argument that doesn’t fit their biography in which they are both hero and victim. Most of us do this to a more limited extent, but the narcissist can’t tolerate the self-examination because they are working so hard to project how great they are that it would be exposing the wound at their centre to allow any critique.
I know a university professor who ended up causing a lot of harm to her graduate students because she saw them as soldiers in her army, so whenever they didn’t toe the line they were punished verbally. When a series of students quit working with her sought new advisors, she could not identify any responsibility on her part for these relationship breakdowns; her answer was she had a lot of “weak students”. There was no insight there at all into the fact that what all those problems had in common was her and her behaviour. There are also borderline characteristics in that individual, as there seem to be in your mother’s situation, but I think the narcissism component is more difficult because the individual defends the ego against any and all challenges, rather than questioning whether they might be part of the problem. Borderline pd clients will often seek help, narcissists won’t admit they need any and won’t accept help if it challenges them to examine their own behaviour. They are selfish and even that they redraw as altruism. Thus, your mother buys these properties ostensibly to “give” each of you a house, but her goal is to make money for her self and for you to “give” something back to her; part of the money, gratitude, favours. It’s an extreme form of the behaviour wherein one gives presents so as to get them; the goal is getting something and giving is just another means of doing that. This professor also saw herself as highly ethical and even taught ethics while behaving unethically toward students. She did not see the contradiction and students feared her because she could become quite punishing if she didn’t get her way. She viewed the world in terms of allies/acolytes and enemies. Does she sound a lot like your mother?
Read up on narcissistic and borderline p.d., and maybe you can clarify for them what it is they are dealing with and how to deal with it more effectively. And try to develop some compassion (without necessarily moving to guilt and doing things you don’t feel right about), since she was not born this way but made this way by some childhood dynamic she does not even understand and likely cannot tolerate examining. As strong and fear-inducing as she may be to you and your siblings, if this is her situation then she is not strong; the strength is an illusion she created. Her behaviour of roping you guys into things is an expression of need.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
My new Painting
Aug 28, 2008: URSA & LEO; Canvas & Acrylic (15X30")
I'm not sure what this one's about other than I can say of course there are two sides to everything.
Everything has it's opposite, and so I felt compelled to have Ursula = Queen = Cold North (but at the same time, the sun comes up behind her and lights everything up); Leo = King = Hot South (but at the same time, the cool night sky is behind him, and it makes him look as though he is glowing in the dark like an ember)...
This is probably more of a depiction of my own personality, not so much my mother & father's. I found it interesting that one associates URSA with the Northern Star, the Guide. LEO, on the other hand, the Ruler, or king of beasts (symbolizing perhaps control or overseer of the shadow?)seems to factor heavily in the constellations as well. The one thing they both seem to have in common is that there are certain points in the constellation that are actually a collection of stars.
It kind of reminds me a bit of Lord Valentine's Castle: the Robert Silverberg story mentions the Lady of the Isle, the Queen of Dreams - benevolent dreams that guide people in their lives; whereas the King of Dreams sends nightmares that torment the soul and punish.
My Central figure again depicts opposites, the light side of the shadow as well as the dark side. The shadow side is on the side of the Guide/Female and the light side is on the side of the Ruler/Male.
I still need to have time to understand my own paintings. lol Someday soon perhaps.
It really meant a lot to me when my Sensei T said: 'Beautiful. Your paint is now moving like your drawings, and it feels more alive, more like Holly.'
Splitting...
My inner Analyst is sitting there watching my 2 other selves...
The Analyst-Self watches the Self who is made of Stone. Stone-Self doesn't feel much of anything. Stuff bounces off her, and she's incredibly hard to crack. Only thing is, once she is cracked or a piece breaks off, it can't be fixed. The Analyst notices some stress lines.
Encased inside the Stone-Self, is the Water-Self. She's a mess. She's drowning in everything that's pouring into her little cell from all the little stress fractures in the Stone-Self. She's encased in this little stone prison, and she can barely breathe. She's frantically clawing at the side of the Stone-Self, trying to keep her head above water, trying not to drown. But all the humidity and rising tide is choking her.
The Analyst notices her struggles and wonders if this will cause the Stone-Self to crumble more quickly.
And what will happen if the Water-Self drowns? If the water builds up enough will this kill her and then cause the Stone-Self to crumble inward completely? The Analyst wonders also...
Someone is apparently aware of her as well. Another Self watches the Analyst and smiles a bemused, wry smile.
The Analyst-Self watches the Self who is made of Stone. Stone-Self doesn't feel much of anything. Stuff bounces off her, and she's incredibly hard to crack. Only thing is, once she is cracked or a piece breaks off, it can't be fixed. The Analyst notices some stress lines.
Encased inside the Stone-Self, is the Water-Self. She's a mess. She's drowning in everything that's pouring into her little cell from all the little stress fractures in the Stone-Self. She's encased in this little stone prison, and she can barely breathe. She's frantically clawing at the side of the Stone-Self, trying to keep her head above water, trying not to drown. But all the humidity and rising tide is choking her.
The Analyst notices her struggles and wonders if this will cause the Stone-Self to crumble more quickly.
And what will happen if the Water-Self drowns? If the water builds up enough will this kill her and then cause the Stone-Self to crumble inward completely? The Analyst wonders also...
Someone is apparently aware of her as well. Another Self watches the Analyst and smiles a bemused, wry smile.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Stone
I wasn't here
I was on another planet where I wasn't born out of reptilian slime
Where I was barely able to perceive my existence
Where the dark was formed by something other than oxygen
Where I was part of a mountain
I fell off the summit
Sloughed off in an avalanche
I was rough and sharp
But I fell to the bottom of a great expanse of liquid that was something like water
Sank to the bottom slowly and settled amoungst other stones
Comforting in the darkness
And how bouyant my weight felt
Letting time slowly smooth me down
And eventually I dissolved
I was just particles
Dispersed over great distances
Where eventually I came to rest
My atoms and minerals shining like diamonds across the planet
So I could see the whole sky sparkling back at me all at once
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Privacy Issues
After letting my brother and sister-in-law know what we were doing, they requested not to be involved, which is understandable under the circumstances... I took out everyone's names and just used their first initial to protect privacy.
Hey Holly,
Sounds good.
G recommends you contact a City of Regina Assessor and talk to them re: property values and quote only what the assessor has to say. G doesn't feel comfortable being quoted with the information she gave you, even if you say it came from someone else, especially because it's a VERY rough estimate and opinion, and she doesn't know how likely it is for an assessor to say those kinds of things about the house. Overall, we both feel it's best if we aren't involved in any way, for our sakes and for yours. Mom has a way of tripping us all up and finding things out (ie. that G gave you this info), and it can all wind up biting us in the butt somehow. So just call the City and get any info you can directly from them.
I also would ask that you remove the comments about how Mom got me to sign an apology to cover her sorry ass. Don't get me wrong, I would love to throw that in her fuckin face at any chance I can get but, this isn't the time or place.
We support you and will help you in any way we can that is good/healthy for all of us. If you have any questions about this email, or G's professional and personal opinion, or just need to vent, don't hesitate to call. We are here for you.
Love R
That being said, that means 'The Email' to mother would resemble this:
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
D and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states D (my husband) and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am not going to be coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When D (my husband) and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation D and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
I did this a lot: I write down stuff or rehearse stuff all the time. But I don't always send it or say it or do it. I think I must have rehearsed millions of strategies and role-played in my mind a zillion ways to talk to or say things to my mom. Because she was unpredictable and one would have to be prepared for ANYTHING!
Hey Holly,
Sounds good.
G recommends you contact a City of Regina Assessor and talk to them re: property values and quote only what the assessor has to say. G doesn't feel comfortable being quoted with the information she gave you, even if you say it came from someone else, especially because it's a VERY rough estimate and opinion, and she doesn't know how likely it is for an assessor to say those kinds of things about the house. Overall, we both feel it's best if we aren't involved in any way, for our sakes and for yours. Mom has a way of tripping us all up and finding things out (ie. that G gave you this info), and it can all wind up biting us in the butt somehow. So just call the City and get any info you can directly from them.
I also would ask that you remove the comments about how Mom got me to sign an apology to cover her sorry ass. Don't get me wrong, I would love to throw that in her fuckin face at any chance I can get but, this isn't the time or place.
We support you and will help you in any way we can that is good/healthy for all of us. If you have any questions about this email, or G's professional and personal opinion, or just need to vent, don't hesitate to call. We are here for you.
Love R
That being said, that means 'The Email' to mother would resemble this:
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
D and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states D (my husband) and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am not going to be coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When D (my husband) and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation D and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
I did this a lot: I write down stuff or rehearse stuff all the time. But I don't always send it or say it or do it. I think I must have rehearsed millions of strategies and role-played in my mind a zillion ways to talk to or say things to my mom. Because she was unpredictable and one would have to be prepared for ANYTHING!
Why Can't I Have a Nice NORMAL Family??
Here's what was edited... The green lettering is the original info by me, then the blue by T, and then the red is me editing for the third time...
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states David and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am reminded my brother was coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions in a similar situation, and I do not want to end up in a similar position or worse.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation David and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The additional information we have collected from various resources & expertise:
Updated Aug 19, 2008
798-0641: Property Management: Sk Gov’t Land Registry -- I can sign an Affidavit of Identity because my name still shows as my maiden name on the Title, and I can sign a title transfer that has to be co-signed by the other people on the Title. http://www.isc.ca/
-- [FULL NAMES & CERTIFICATE NUMBERS]
With the assistance of Property Management, I have prepared for a package that all we all have to sign. It needs to be taken to 1301 1st Ave, between Broad and Winnipeg. There are some pages that we need to have signed and witnessed by a Notary Public/Commissioner/Jurat. I would have done this on my own if it was only me who had to sign the papers. I have copies of everything.
Land Registry Packet Cover Page
Application for Transfer (Part II)
Transfer Authorization (Two Individuals Signing)
Titles Affidavit of Value (2 copies; 1 for land, one for minerals)
Affidavit of Identity for Individual Change of Name (stamped by a Commissioner)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to the City of Regina website... http://www2.regina.ca/search/index.htm (click on Property Search>>1. Street Address/Account Number >> type in 1137 // Edward St >> Search
If you look at the above link you will find that this was what the house assessments were in 2002 & 2008 -- Fair Value: $67,500/Assessed Value: $47,200; there appears to be no change to this value as of 2008.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 777-7233: Property Taxes for the house this year: paid Jun 2nd/08 were $1,673.92
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spoke to a Financial Advisor (Ryan Stephenson) who advised us that what you are doing is probably tax evasion. I was told that we (Dad, you and I) all own 1/3rd of the property. This means, technically, whatever the house is sold for, we would be entitled to a 1/3rd of the house. Apparently, because you have been paying for repairs, you feel that you are owed some of the money that would be owed to us. However we have been living in the house for about 5 years and have been paying $100-$700 (you have been paying for our Energy bill), plus before I was married I lived here on my own and made payments of $400 or more per month before and while I was attending university. Of course there is no record of this because it was all paid in cash. We would rather not have any of the money associated with this house.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An accountant advised us that if you are found out by Revenue Canada that we would also be affected as my name is on the Land Title. This could ruin us both financially. In fact we could even be arrested and put in jail for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Realtor: Assessed the market value on this house Sun Aug 24th. Because it only has 1 bathroom and 1 bedroom (and especially because the bathroom isn’t upstairs next to the bedroom), he feels it would be reasonable to start selling this house at $195,000 and if there were no offers after three weeks bring it down some more. He saw that the braces on the basement were done (he said there should be an engineering permit/paperwork on it, but if not an engineer would need to inspect it), the electrical would have to run on their own breakers/fuses instead of having two or more lines on the same fuse, and there was new water/sewer, the area is really, really nice except perhaps for the traffic noise. He gave us a list of similar type houses with similar square footage and they run from $79,900 (1 bedroom/2 bathroom & farther out from the core of the Cathedral area) up to $289,900 (for a house closer to the core of Cath Area & 3 bdrm/2 bthrm).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to Scotia Bank, I do not appear on the mortgage of this house as they cannot find any information on me. I was advised that if my name did not appear on the account, because of the privacy laws, it would be better if my parents called in to request information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lawyer: (as yet to have arranged an appointment).
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states David and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am reminded my brother was coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions in a similar situation, and I do not want to end up in a similar position or worse.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation David and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
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The additional information we have collected from various resources & expertise:
Updated Aug 19, 2008
798-0641: Property Management: Sk Gov’t Land Registry -- I can sign an Affidavit of Identity because my name still shows as my maiden name on the Title, and I can sign a title transfer that has to be co-signed by the other people on the Title. http://www.isc.ca/
-- [FULL NAMES & CERTIFICATE NUMBERS]
With the assistance of Property Management, I have prepared for a package that all we all have to sign. It needs to be taken to 1301 1st Ave, between Broad and Winnipeg. There are some pages that we need to have signed and witnessed by a Notary Public/Commissioner/Jurat. I would have done this on my own if it was only me who had to sign the papers. I have copies of everything.
Land Registry Packet Cover Page
Application for Transfer (Part II)
Transfer Authorization (Two Individuals Signing)
Titles Affidavit of Value (2 copies; 1 for land, one for minerals)
Affidavit of Identity for Individual Change of Name (stamped by a Commissioner)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to the City of Regina website... http://www2.regina.ca/search/index.htm (click on Property Search>>1. Street Address/Account Number >> type in 1137 // Edward St >> Search
If you look at the above link you will find that this was what the house assessments were in 2002 & 2008 -- Fair Value: $67,500/Assessed Value: $47,200; there appears to be no change to this value as of 2008.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 777-7233: Property Taxes for the house this year: paid Jun 2nd/08 were $1,673.92
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spoke to a Financial Advisor (Ryan Stephenson) who advised us that what you are doing is probably tax evasion. I was told that we (Dad, you and I) all own 1/3rd of the property. This means, technically, whatever the house is sold for, we would be entitled to a 1/3rd of the house. Apparently, because you have been paying for repairs, you feel that you are owed some of the money that would be owed to us. However we have been living in the house for about 5 years and have been paying $100-$700 (you have been paying for our Energy bill), plus before I was married I lived here on my own and made payments of $400 or more per month before and while I was attending university. Of course there is no record of this because it was all paid in cash. We would rather not have any of the money associated with this house.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An accountant advised us that if you are found out by Revenue Canada that we would also be affected as my name is on the Land Title. This could ruin us both financially. In fact we could even be arrested and put in jail for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Realtor: Assessed the market value on this house Sun Aug 24th. Because it only has 1 bathroom and 1 bedroom (and especially because the bathroom isn’t upstairs next to the bedroom), he feels it would be reasonable to start selling this house at $195,000 and if there were no offers after three weeks bring it down some more. He saw that the braces on the basement were done (he said there should be an engineering permit/paperwork on it, but if not an engineer would need to inspect it), the electrical would have to run on their own breakers/fuses instead of having two or more lines on the same fuse, and there was new water/sewer, the area is really, really nice except perhaps for the traffic noise. He gave us a list of similar type houses with similar square footage and they run from $79,900 (1 bedroom/2 bathroom & farther out from the core of the Cathedral area) up to $289,900 (for a house closer to the core of Cath Area & 3 bdrm/2 bthrm).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to Scotia Bank, I do not appear on the mortgage of this house as they cannot find any information on me. I was advised that if my name did not appear on the account, because of the privacy laws, it would be better if my parents called in to request information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lawyer: (as yet to have arranged an appointment).
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As it was I never did actually send this to my parents. I sure wanted to, but it wouldn't have done me any good. lol
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mommy Is Psycho
Sent this to several close friends in an email?
I'm doing better now. Been having some childhood memories, my therapist says they were flashbacks. But I'm feeling so much better now as it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
However...
On Tues I had a helluva day: I had a migraine and a retarded day on the phones.... And then.... My mind was going to turn to goo. I got a totally fucked up call from mom... She says that if I move out of the house (as we are planning to move when we find a house to buy, but we haven't yet), then income tax on the house will raise for us for 30% - but we never pay income taxes, she does. She said that it would benefit David and I if we stayed in this house until we moved out so that income tax didn’t rise 30%. She went on to say that if we did sell before moving out that we would somehow benefit from the money involved.Apparently if we stay we will get some of this money. And we can gift some of the money back to her then it LOOKS like we got the money and gave her back some…?? But it sounds like a really crappy attempt at a bribe to keep us from moving out when we bloody well want to.I asked her at this point, didn’t I sign papers to take my name off the house? She said no, what I signed was if I died she and dad would get the house. And then she said she wasn’t entirely sure, so she was going to check with the ‘tax people’ about the whole thing.But in the meantime we’d need to consider moving some of our furniture into the basement, to make our house look more spacious so people coming to see the house will be more likely to buy it.I said at this point, please find out about the taxes first, and then we’ll go on to the next step.This is, of course, planned by her just before they go on vacation to BC.I had a meeting with my therapist on Wed, thank gosh he squeezed me in. Which is why I'm feeling better about it.If I didn't laugh hysterically I'd cry hysterically.
lol I was wondering what you thought of this email that I am planning to send to mom &dad in a week or two.
Do you think it is respectful?
Does it come across as ungrateful or vindictive/threatening?
Do you think there is anything I should add or remove to make it a better email?
-Holly-
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will even sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house;
or
B) to have you and dad sign a contract that states David and I will not be charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you both will be responsible for the income tax if we are charged for it.
My name is on the house and I don't like being on the title. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for rent every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned.
On the other hand, we do not like being in the position that someone can tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for the person we are giving rent to for us to move out. If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One is that there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant and daughter has been abused. For instance, even though it took you over a year to fix the porch and the bathroom, your own daughter, who has allergies and asthma, didn't complain to the Rentalsman. I was perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you, my own mother, did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed interesting to me that it was the time when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally decided to take action. After that I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you wouldn't listen to me or wouldn't care anyway.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship will improve, because then I won't feel hostage to being somewhere between a dutiful daughter, who is expected to be obedient and respectful to my mother, and a tenant who pays rent, who if I wasn't your daughter, would have reported health issues and possibly revenue information long ago.
Thank you for reading this over carefully.
-Holly Freeman-
I'm doing better now. Been having some childhood memories, my therapist says they were flashbacks. But I'm feeling so much better now as it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
However...
On Tues I had a helluva day: I had a migraine and a retarded day on the phones.... And then.... My mind was going to turn to goo. I got a totally fucked up call from mom... She says that if I move out of the house (as we are planning to move when we find a house to buy, but we haven't yet), then income tax on the house will raise for us for 30% - but we never pay income taxes, she does. She said that it would benefit David and I if we stayed in this house until we moved out so that income tax didn’t rise 30%. She went on to say that if we did sell before moving out that we would somehow benefit from the money involved.Apparently if we stay we will get some of this money. And we can gift some of the money back to her then it LOOKS like we got the money and gave her back some…?? But it sounds like a really crappy attempt at a bribe to keep us from moving out when we bloody well want to.I asked her at this point, didn’t I sign papers to take my name off the house? She said no, what I signed was if I died she and dad would get the house. And then she said she wasn’t entirely sure, so she was going to check with the ‘tax people’ about the whole thing.But in the meantime we’d need to consider moving some of our furniture into the basement, to make our house look more spacious so people coming to see the house will be more likely to buy it.I said at this point, please find out about the taxes first, and then we’ll go on to the next step.This is, of course, planned by her just before they go on vacation to BC.I had a meeting with my therapist on Wed, thank gosh he squeezed me in. Which is why I'm feeling better about it.If I didn't laugh hysterically I'd cry hysterically.
lol I was wondering what you thought of this email that I am planning to send to mom &dad in a week or two.
Do you think it is respectful?
Does it come across as ungrateful or vindictive/threatening?
Do you think there is anything I should add or remove to make it a better email?
-Holly-
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will even sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house;
or
B) to have you and dad sign a contract that states David and I will not be charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you both will be responsible for the income tax if we are charged for it.
My name is on the house and I don't like being on the title. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for rent every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned.
On the other hand, we do not like being in the position that someone can tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for the person we are giving rent to for us to move out. If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One is that there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant and daughter has been abused. For instance, even though it took you over a year to fix the porch and the bathroom, your own daughter, who has allergies and asthma, didn't complain to the Rentalsman. I was perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you, my own mother, did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed interesting to me that it was the time when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally decided to take action. After that I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you wouldn't listen to me or wouldn't care anyway.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship will improve, because then I won't feel hostage to being somewhere between a dutiful daughter, who is expected to be obedient and respectful to my mother, and a tenant who pays rent, who if I wasn't your daughter, would have reported health issues and possibly revenue information long ago.
Thank you for reading this over carefully.
-Holly Freeman-
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Suffocation
Aug 9, 2008: SUFFOCATION; Canvas & Acrylic (24X18")
This (painting) just turned out to be how I was feeling. I felt driven to do it. I wanted to portray the soul of a little girl, a shadow crushing her soul's heart. She feels she cannot speak (for fear of what will happen to her, mostly), and this causes her to feel suffocated. I felt this portrayed well the issue of my mother's interference and the issue of my cousin's sexual predation on me.
----------------------------
Update after Wednesday Aug 13, 2008...
I had to write a confession of sorts, because it was too difficult to tell him verbally what had happened to me and what I thought had happened to me and what I had done to someone else when I was around 7 yrs old.
After he had read this information, T looked me in the eye said there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that I had not done wrong. Several times he reassured me that I had done nothing wrong.
Considering the fact that we had both been interested in doing the same thing, and were curious, and with the limited information we had we didn't really know what we were doing.
I had a good cry, because I was quite relieved.
------------------------- PS: T had thought perhaps my asthma was psychosomatic... I don't think so. My father smoked for years and I was always coughing coughing coughing and our physician did say I had it.
Speaking of psychosomatic symptoms (referring to the session last Wed), if anything was, I would suspect it would be my thyroid. Both Robin & I have thyroid issues, and if you know a bit about Chakras, the throat chakra symbolizes truth and voice. It wants to be heard. In the phsyiological sense of things, our tissues were/are being attacked by our own immune systems. How symbolic is that of inner turmoil? But since I've been talking with you, my symptoms have lessened and now I'm back on keeping levels up with meds (because you might recall I had my thyroid destroyed with radioactive iodine so 'normal' now would be hypo instead of hyper). lol Even Robin even mentioned that to me, but I had already mentioned it on my private blog ages ago (I've got all sorts of uneducated theories about things on there). I realize how much I really really missed him now that he's come for a visit.
'The throat chakra, Vishuddha, is said to be related to communication and growth, growth being a form of expression. This chakra is paralleled to the thyroid, a gland that is also in the throat, and which produces thyroid hormone, responsible for growth and maturation. ' http://www.crystalinks.com/chakras.html
'This chakra controls the throat and the neck, and the arms and the hands. It is associated with the brachial or cervical plexus.
Endocrine Gland: Thyroid Gland
Consciousness: The aspects of expressing and receiving. Expressing can be in the form of communicating what one wants and what one feels, or it can be an artistic expression, as an artist painting, a dancer dancing, a musician playing music, using a form for expressing and bringing to the outside what was within. Expressing is related to receiving, as in "Ask, and ye shall receive." ' http://www.healer.ch/throatchakra.html
Sunday, August 10, 2008
New Paintings
Aug 8 2008: I made a triptych out of the original 'Lupus Eclipse.' Now I call it 'LUPUS ECLIPSE: NIGHT OF THE WOLVES'
I am starting to wonder if the wolf in the middle is me: I am shadow and light. Those two become one. The other two wolves, I am not sure. The one on the left howls... Is it an alarm? Is it hoping for an answer? Is it to lure? I call this painting, 'Siren.' It seems to symbolize my mother. The one on the right is a bit more sinister. It looks away, into the distance - is it looking intently at its next target? I called it 'Counting Sheep' because it looks like it is ready to hunt.
Jul 31st 2008: EARTH AND SKY; Gesso, Acrylic, Canvas (11X16")
The red (earth) grows into the blue (sky): the sky seeps down into the earth. Emotional Stasis, each seeks the other to gain balance for itself or The Self as a whole.
Aug 9, 2008: SUFFOCATION; Canvas & Acrylic (24X18")
This is simply how I feel sometimes. Or perhaps is an indication of how I felt. My soul was smothered. I was too afraid to speak, so I smothered myself in my own guilt and repression. Something felt as though it was squeezing my heart, like my heart lay in someone's fist. My spiritual struggle manifested some physical symptoms: panic.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Good Times and Bad Dreams on a Long Weekend in August
My brother R and sister-in-law G came down for a visit!
I was nearly ecstatic!
David and I haven't had a chance to see them in a couple of years!
It was a good weekend. We had fun watching the Riders win against Calgary. We had hotdogs and a shrimp ring and pop. G helped me cook the dogs. We talked and sat together.
My brother also came over for a few hours on Sunday. I told him the reason I felt so close to him was because we two are the only two who really seem sane in this family. R made a good point: my brother C and mother both are only their thoughts, they don't think about or analyse the source of their thoughts. And dad is hard to pinpoint... He doesn't seem to think at all on his own, or if he does, his thoughts (as J, David's mom, once pointed out) aren't his own. They are my mom's.
For my mother's & father's sanity, we had planned to keep this all on the QT. However C somehow got the impression that R was coming to visit mother and father as well. So now mother can stew about it, and has thought up several reasons why they didn't visit mom & dad... Primarily that it's somehow G's fault.
It all started out fairly quiet, although my mother, sounding high or something, called around 10 am singing a Christmas Carol on the answering machine.
Then sometime between then and when R&G arrived, C called and asked mom if she had heard anything from R.
C told us later that Mom said no, but she wanted C to have a good time with R.
So apparently C wasn't supposed to tell us that he had told mom. At least, according to mom. So then she was even more angry/hurt because she found out from David and I that C had told R & G that she knew he was there.
Mom seems to think that this gives R & G some sort of plus that they can feel good that mom and dad knew that they were in town and didn't visit with them.
She kept asking me if C told us that SHE told him to have a good time? Did C tell R & G that SHE (mom) told him to say she SAID to have a good time?
*sigh*
Mom pointed out that a couple of years ago, R had told her that it took him 2 weeks to help heal G after interacting with mom. Mother doesn't seem to focus much on the fact that she wrecked G's sanity for a couple of weeks. Instead she accuses G of manipulating R by driving him crazy for two weeks after visiting with mom & dad. She completely misses the point that G was driven crazy by her.
I find it ironic that mom says she hopes someday that R gets a spine and comes for a visit. In actuality it seems like MOM is being driven crazy by G and R and it's going to take DAD 2 weeks to heal HER. Dad is the one without the spine.
I also find it almost funny that mom is now even more perturbed that we all knew that she knew. It was fine if she didn't know, it was fine if she knew, but it wasn't fine if she knew and we knew it??
---------------------
Nightmare:
Somehow my brother C and I were sharing a bed (as though we used to when we were children). I had some kind of pet or animal like a wolf pup or harmless animal, but it was squirming a bit.
C kept fretting that it was keeping him awake and that we wouldn't get enough sleep; some kind of anxiety was causing him to keep me awake.
I finally left.
The dream shifted and I found all of us together in the same bedroom.
A woman was in bed, watching us with great interest, but not really seeming interested in assisting us. Instead she wrote down her observations in a notebook and occasionally caught my eye. I would frequently see expressions of surprise, or intense interest. A raised eyebrow when someone said a certain something; or if volume raised louder in the argument. I caught her eye a couple of times, and tried to explain something, but she was more interested in observing the behaviours of everyone in the room.
G and R were part of the discussion, but I don't think they were actually there. C and mom were yelling at each other. Dad was muttering and throwing up his arms, but for the most part staying in the corner wishing he didn't have to be there.
I once in a while would try to say something. I would occasionally get one person to calm down or be quiet, but then the other who was arguing would start the ruckus up again. At one point I even grabbed hold of my mother's collar of her shirt and begged her in a hoarse whisper to be quiet and listen. But then C started up again, or dad, so I would have to go to them. I remember breathing very shallow, gritting my teeth and being very tense about the face, neck and arms. Like old times!
At one point I woke up gasping for air. As I fell back to sleep I dreamt I sat down beside David and whispered to him/muttered to him; 'Well, might as well sit back and watch the show, too...'
I was nearly ecstatic!
David and I haven't had a chance to see them in a couple of years!
It was a good weekend. We had fun watching the Riders win against Calgary. We had hotdogs and a shrimp ring and pop. G helped me cook the dogs. We talked and sat together.
My brother also came over for a few hours on Sunday. I told him the reason I felt so close to him was because we two are the only two who really seem sane in this family. R made a good point: my brother C and mother both are only their thoughts, they don't think about or analyse the source of their thoughts. And dad is hard to pinpoint... He doesn't seem to think at all on his own, or if he does, his thoughts (as J, David's mom, once pointed out) aren't his own. They are my mom's.
For my mother's & father's sanity, we had planned to keep this all on the QT. However C somehow got the impression that R was coming to visit mother and father as well. So now mother can stew about it, and has thought up several reasons why they didn't visit mom & dad... Primarily that it's somehow G's fault.
It all started out fairly quiet, although my mother, sounding high or something, called around 10 am singing a Christmas Carol on the answering machine.
Then sometime between then and when R&G arrived, C called and asked mom if she had heard anything from R.
C told us later that Mom said no, but she wanted C to have a good time with R.
So apparently C wasn't supposed to tell us that he had told mom. At least, according to mom. So then she was even more angry/hurt because she found out from David and I that C had told R & G that she knew he was there.
Mom seems to think that this gives R & G some sort of plus that they can feel good that mom and dad knew that they were in town and didn't visit with them.
She kept asking me if C told us that SHE told him to have a good time? Did C tell R & G that SHE (mom) told him to say she SAID to have a good time?
*sigh*
Mom pointed out that a couple of years ago, R had told her that it took him 2 weeks to help heal G after interacting with mom. Mother doesn't seem to focus much on the fact that she wrecked G's sanity for a couple of weeks. Instead she accuses G of manipulating R by driving him crazy for two weeks after visiting with mom & dad. She completely misses the point that G was driven crazy by her.
I find it ironic that mom says she hopes someday that R gets a spine and comes for a visit. In actuality it seems like MOM is being driven crazy by G and R and it's going to take DAD 2 weeks to heal HER. Dad is the one without the spine.
I also find it almost funny that mom is now even more perturbed that we all knew that she knew. It was fine if she didn't know, it was fine if she knew, but it wasn't fine if she knew and we knew it??
---------------------
Nightmare:
Somehow my brother C and I were sharing a bed (as though we used to when we were children). I had some kind of pet or animal like a wolf pup or harmless animal, but it was squirming a bit.
C kept fretting that it was keeping him awake and that we wouldn't get enough sleep; some kind of anxiety was causing him to keep me awake.
I finally left.
The dream shifted and I found all of us together in the same bedroom.
A woman was in bed, watching us with great interest, but not really seeming interested in assisting us. Instead she wrote down her observations in a notebook and occasionally caught my eye. I would frequently see expressions of surprise, or intense interest. A raised eyebrow when someone said a certain something; or if volume raised louder in the argument. I caught her eye a couple of times, and tried to explain something, but she was more interested in observing the behaviours of everyone in the room.
G and R were part of the discussion, but I don't think they were actually there. C and mom were yelling at each other. Dad was muttering and throwing up his arms, but for the most part staying in the corner wishing he didn't have to be there.
I once in a while would try to say something. I would occasionally get one person to calm down or be quiet, but then the other who was arguing would start the ruckus up again. At one point I even grabbed hold of my mother's collar of her shirt and begged her in a hoarse whisper to be quiet and listen. But then C started up again, or dad, so I would have to go to them. I remember breathing very shallow, gritting my teeth and being very tense about the face, neck and arms. Like old times!
At one point I woke up gasping for air. As I fell back to sleep I dreamt I sat down beside David and whispered to him/muttered to him; 'Well, might as well sit back and watch the show, too...'
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
My Four Paintings
July 10th 2008 - Blessing Light and Shadow: I found this one quite tedious. I've grouped them from top to bottom because I like the one at the top the best, and the one at the bottom the least, for various reasons.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Almost done!
My fourth painting is on it's way... It's similar to the one with the Raven and the Dove: that's sort of an homage to David and I.
It's about Transformation, although it's hard for my consciousness to put a description into words.
I've been so busy the last few weeks, it frustrates me a bit that I can't update this as often as I want to. However, my internet training certainly takes a lot of my brain energy up. I don't want to add more pressure by expecting me to get done everything else on top of that. However, the worst is over as I have passed the written exam by 80%.
It's about Transformation, although it's hard for my consciousness to put a description into words.
I've been so busy the last few weeks, it frustrates me a bit that I can't update this as often as I want to. However, my internet training certainly takes a lot of my brain energy up. I don't want to add more pressure by expecting me to get done everything else on top of that. However, the worst is over as I have passed the written exam by 80%.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
THE WHITE HORSE: Feb 22, 2008
The child tells only
the white horse
who listens
keeping secrets
safe
inside a
free and gentle spirit
sweeter than honeysuckle
stronger than truth
steadier than the horizon
The White Horse
runs like the wind
mane flying
like water against time
when the child
hears the footsteps
coming in the dark
She runs away
until she becomes
a white speck
a star
against
a black sky
too hard to track
hidden amongst
clouded constellations
--------------------------------------
I think this is can be related to being disassociated while being molested, but also at other times when the verbal abuse from mom was a bit too much. I simply went somewhere else. I was safe there. The White Horse is a symbol of my spirit, and it retreated into some corner of my being or my mind, which is possibly why I escaped relatively unscathed from my past. It's just been lately that this 'White Horse' has been, shall we say, coming out of hiding. Or my unconscious resurfacing to consciousness. And it really bothers me sometimes still, although not so much now that I've had another look at it instead of trying to repress it again.
the white horse
who listens
keeping secrets
safe
inside a
free and gentle spirit
sweeter than honeysuckle
stronger than truth
steadier than the horizon
The White Horse
runs like the wind
mane flying
like water against time
when the child
hears the footsteps
coming in the dark
She runs away
until she becomes
a white speck
a star
against
a black sky
too hard to track
hidden amongst
clouded constellations
--------------------------------------
I think this is can be related to being disassociated while being molested, but also at other times when the verbal abuse from mom was a bit too much. I simply went somewhere else. I was safe there. The White Horse is a symbol of my spirit, and it retreated into some corner of my being or my mind, which is possibly why I escaped relatively unscathed from my past. It's just been lately that this 'White Horse' has been, shall we say, coming out of hiding. Or my unconscious resurfacing to consciousness. And it really bothers me sometimes still, although not so much now that I've had another look at it instead of trying to repress it again.
PREDATOR: Feb 19, 2008
What Scent
draws the rabid creature?
Its transparent skin burns
from the sunshine in a
lamb's bright eyes.
Was it the same for the
Piper's children
as it was for me?
Lured with guile
and strategy
right under everyone's noses
exposed under shelter of night
hidden in the dark of secrecy.
Fearful promises
become binding contracts.
"No one will believe you."
Learning helplessness
looking into the jailer's eyes.
How long did the predator
watch and circle
before deciding to strike?
Sneaking
with sick appetite.
What missing piece of mind
or spiritual lesion
makes it drool,
tongue hanging out?
How can it stomach
swallowing Innocence,
feel it slide down slowly
as it laps up another
soul dry?
Makes me sick enough
to want to hunt them all down
rip open their skeins
and let all the poison
drain from their reptillian
black veins and force
it down their own swollen throats
until it eats through
their stomachs
and it kills them dead.
But instead of wasting
precious time dissecting and
playing with those
vermin
I would hope to set about
bringing its victims
back from the dead.
Salvage and triage
after they've been freed
from their cages.
Give them hope to put
some of the Light back in their eyes.
------------------------------------------
This was in response to some newspaper articles that I read regarding those bastards who victimize children.
draws the rabid creature?
Its transparent skin burns
from the sunshine in a
lamb's bright eyes.
Was it the same for the
Piper's children
as it was for me?
Lured with guile
and strategy
right under everyone's noses
exposed under shelter of night
hidden in the dark of secrecy.
Fearful promises
become binding contracts.
"No one will believe you."
Learning helplessness
looking into the jailer's eyes.
How long did the predator
watch and circle
before deciding to strike?
Sneaking
with sick appetite.
What missing piece of mind
or spiritual lesion
makes it drool,
tongue hanging out?
How can it stomach
swallowing Innocence,
feel it slide down slowly
as it laps up another
soul dry?
Makes me sick enough
to want to hunt them all down
rip open their skeins
and let all the poison
drain from their reptillian
black veins and force
it down their own swollen throats
until it eats through
their stomachs
and it kills them dead.
But instead of wasting
precious time dissecting and
playing with those
vermin
I would hope to set about
bringing its victims
back from the dead.
Salvage and triage
after they've been freed
from their cages.
Give them hope to put
some of the Light back in their eyes.
------------------------------------------
This was in response to some newspaper articles that I read regarding those bastards who victimize children.
DRAGONFEATHER: Jan 31, 2008
The Dragon clutches
the Magic Feather:
he has been torn from
her grasp more than once.
She guards him from the Wind.
The soft touch soothes the Beast:
she feels bouyant,
can't fly without him.
The Plume's
weightlessness
makes the Serpent
mountainous;
his delicate flimsiness
turns her into titanium-steel.
He only seems to bend
under the strain of her.
She uses this Quill to write
her-stories,
dips him in her ever-rushing wound
to make them
his-stories.
Embellishes, adds the Fiction
to make it seem
strange, like Truth.
The Feather
quivers,
afraid the Dragon
will discover he's
just a moulted feather,
fallen
not even from the wings of a Dove
but some dying Albatross.
-----------------------------------------
In case it wasn't obvious, the Dragon refers to Mother and the Feather refers to Father. Mother controls all that Father sees; she is his filter on reality and her filter is defective. If he were stronger, perhaps he would've been able to see things with his own eyes instead of hers. He would see THROUGH her instead of AS her.
the Magic Feather:
he has been torn from
her grasp more than once.
She guards him from the Wind.
The soft touch soothes the Beast:
she feels bouyant,
can't fly without him.
The Plume's
weightlessness
makes the Serpent
mountainous;
his delicate flimsiness
turns her into titanium-steel.
He only seems to bend
under the strain of her.
She uses this Quill to write
her-stories,
dips him in her ever-rushing wound
to make them
his-stories.
Embellishes, adds the Fiction
to make it seem
strange, like Truth.
The Feather
quivers,
afraid the Dragon
will discover he's
just a moulted feather,
fallen
not even from the wings of a Dove
but some dying Albatross.
-----------------------------------------
In case it wasn't obvious, the Dragon refers to Mother and the Feather refers to Father. Mother controls all that Father sees; she is his filter on reality and her filter is defective. If he were stronger, perhaps he would've been able to see things with his own eyes instead of hers. He would see THROUGH her instead of AS her.
My New Public Website
Well, this seems appropriate. Only those who know me and those that I trust thoroughly have access to this site because they already know me well enough anyway... They, at least, are more familiar with my 'dark side' but because I've been encouraged to take a risk and publicize my art - the images that really expose something about me, not the images that hide something about me, or only show one side of my imagination.
I really can't describe how it feels to finally have a mentor that hasn't let me down. It's completely... different to be able to depend on someone that way. Ah, transference! lol Don't get me wrong, I look up to my husband and we are a team to be reckoned with. But I think we both thrive better emotionally having someone we can both look up to and feel safe with.
Anyway, I have been collecting the images I have been doing since the 80s in sketchbooks and placing a majority of them on the public site, but there are things that I feel cannot be seen on the public site, so those will remain here. I also have some... I guess you could call it poetry... or ramblings. Words I put down on paper to clear my head and make sense of things. Those will be put on this site eventually as well.
Because my dark side is a little more chaotic, this site will reflect that a little. Things may be posted out of order chronologically. But I'm more at ease to leave things that way on this site, than the other public website.
Bear with me, because these images take quite some time to scan/photograph, edit & transfer from one program to another.
I really can't describe how it feels to finally have a mentor that hasn't let me down. It's completely... different to be able to depend on someone that way. Ah, transference! lol Don't get me wrong, I look up to my husband and we are a team to be reckoned with. But I think we both thrive better emotionally having someone we can both look up to and feel safe with.
Anyway, I have been collecting the images I have been doing since the 80s in sketchbooks and placing a majority of them on the public site, but there are things that I feel cannot be seen on the public site, so those will remain here. I also have some... I guess you could call it poetry... or ramblings. Words I put down on paper to clear my head and make sense of things. Those will be put on this site eventually as well.
Because my dark side is a little more chaotic, this site will reflect that a little. Things may be posted out of order chronologically. But I'm more at ease to leave things that way on this site, than the other public website.
Bear with me, because these images take quite some time to scan/photograph, edit & transfer from one program to another.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Dear Mom & Dad:
Mom and Dad, the reason you are receiving this letter is that I prefer to get out all that I have to say at once.
It seems that I have been going through some changes internally. They feel like healthy changes. I need some space from you both for a while. I don't know for how long, but this is necessary for me. I don't feel good about myself when I am around you. I don't feel good about you when I am around you.
Mom, to me, it feels as though you think I am still a child, even though I am nearly forty years old. Although you tend to have good days and bad, you are still not stable or predictable enough for me to feel like I can relax around you.
The minute I open up my feelings about something, or about my life troubles, instead of offering some encouraging words or a hug, I am deluged with unsolicited advice. I'm not completely broken, I can fix things myself: you would do me some credit if you could see that.
It also bothers me that I cannot disagree with you, or if I don't take your advice you take it personally. I feel invaded sometimes, because you come swooping in, even when I don't need rescuing. My belief is that it is because of things that happened to you in your childhood. Then you don't seem to understand that you have over-stepped boundaries or behaved inappropriately.
You can't seem admit to yourself to reality that you are in the wrong: instead you only feel the hurt of rejection. You don't tell dad what you did to solicit a negative reaction, you only tell him how you felt when that person reacted negatively to your unwanted behaviour. And he always takes your side: this has always felt like a kind of betrayal, at least to me. Some things you hide so deeply that you do not see them in yourself anymore. Instead you seem to see them in everyone else. If you'd listen, you'd hear a voice within yourself wanting so badly to help yourself, but you don't. You ignore yourself, but see in yourself what needs fixing in everyone else's life instead of your own. This drives people away. I think you would benefit from therapy, as I have done.
It opens up some old wounds, but it's part of the cleansing. It's so much healthier than ignoring it, pretending that you are invincible and nothing can hurt you. I was like you. I never admitted to myself that I was worthy of standing up for. People would treat me terribly, and I would take it and take it. Like I did so well when I was a child, I buried the feeling of hurt and pain so deeply.
Now I am feeling everything a lot more. I let myself feel when you tell me things that upset me. I still don't let on when you act inappropriately, because I have learned from the past that you won't listen. I have tried to tell you so many times before, but again, you are blind to your own issues and always the finger points back onto me - I was tired, or I was menstruating, or you misunderstood what I meant. However, this unshielding of my real feelings, paradoxically, allows me to protect myself.
I feel a lot of anger that I have to deal with. Some of it, fairly or unfairly, is directed at you. Some of it is directed at Dad. Some at Ward. Some of it is at Everything that led up to what happened with Ward... That is to say, the whole Chain Reaction: alcohol, hiding mental illness/pedophilia in our family. It's a bit overwhelming, but yet at the same time it feels really really freeing, because I'm FEELING something. I may be flawed, but I'm not fake. I'm leaving my safe nest. I feel a bit awkward, and a bit panicky sometimes, but there always seems to be a branch below me upon which to rest if I can't keep my altitude.
Dad, although you perhaps didn't mean to, you have been engulfed by mom's strong personality. You have strength, somewhere deep inside, but you don't seem to want to use it. I think you fear losing mom. This passiveness doesn't help you, nor does it help mom or me. I really needed someone to stand up for me. Instead you took her side. I really needed you. Instead you ran away.
So, for now, I would like you both to mull what I have written over. Talk to each other about it. Remember that I say this in the most loving way you can imagine. Mom, I'm your daughter, but I don't know if I've ever had a mother-daughter relationship with you. But your idea of what a mother/daughter should be seems to differ so far from what my vision is.
A mother, to me, is someone who mentors, who encourages. Mother may judge what her daughter looks like, who she's married to or hangs out with, what she wears or what she eats: but Mother doesn't comment on these things directly to her daughter or to her other family members. If you can't say something nice, or think something nice, no one is really going to benefit from hurtful or arbitrary comments. A mother respects her daughter's space and doesn't give unsolicited advice. A mother respects her daughter and lets her make her own decisions.
A landlord is not a mother. If we had a normal Landlord relationship, there were several times I would have reported you to the Rentalsman in the last few years. You, on the other hand, would have made speedy repairs and not told us to pay for minor repairs, nor would you have asked us to spy on your other renters, or contact them for you. You also would not tell someone you are renting from on how they should shower. You do not honour contracts with us. Yet you offer us 'gifts' that turn out to be more of a contractual/conditional cage. You also are know to change your mind and change the rules to your own advantage later on.
This type of relationship needs to stop. It's enmeshment. David and I need a break from this. Wait until (specified date) and we will call you. If you attempt to contact us first, we will extend the date by another (specified time). We don't want you calling us every week or every month. We need a clean break: an alotted time where we can sort out everything emotionally without any interference, no matter how well-meaning, from you or dad.
It seems that I have been going through some changes internally. They feel like healthy changes. I need some space from you both for a while. I don't know for how long, but this is necessary for me. I don't feel good about myself when I am around you. I don't feel good about you when I am around you.
Mom, to me, it feels as though you think I am still a child, even though I am nearly forty years old. Although you tend to have good days and bad, you are still not stable or predictable enough for me to feel like I can relax around you.
The minute I open up my feelings about something, or about my life troubles, instead of offering some encouraging words or a hug, I am deluged with unsolicited advice. I'm not completely broken, I can fix things myself: you would do me some credit if you could see that.
It also bothers me that I cannot disagree with you, or if I don't take your advice you take it personally. I feel invaded sometimes, because you come swooping in, even when I don't need rescuing. My belief is that it is because of things that happened to you in your childhood. Then you don't seem to understand that you have over-stepped boundaries or behaved inappropriately.
You can't seem admit to yourself to reality that you are in the wrong: instead you only feel the hurt of rejection. You don't tell dad what you did to solicit a negative reaction, you only tell him how you felt when that person reacted negatively to your unwanted behaviour. And he always takes your side: this has always felt like a kind of betrayal, at least to me. Some things you hide so deeply that you do not see them in yourself anymore. Instead you seem to see them in everyone else. If you'd listen, you'd hear a voice within yourself wanting so badly to help yourself, but you don't. You ignore yourself, but see in yourself what needs fixing in everyone else's life instead of your own. This drives people away. I think you would benefit from therapy, as I have done.
It opens up some old wounds, but it's part of the cleansing. It's so much healthier than ignoring it, pretending that you are invincible and nothing can hurt you. I was like you. I never admitted to myself that I was worthy of standing up for. People would treat me terribly, and I would take it and take it. Like I did so well when I was a child, I buried the feeling of hurt and pain so deeply.
Now I am feeling everything a lot more. I let myself feel when you tell me things that upset me. I still don't let on when you act inappropriately, because I have learned from the past that you won't listen. I have tried to tell you so many times before, but again, you are blind to your own issues and always the finger points back onto me - I was tired, or I was menstruating, or you misunderstood what I meant. However, this unshielding of my real feelings, paradoxically, allows me to protect myself.
I feel a lot of anger that I have to deal with. Some of it, fairly or unfairly, is directed at you. Some of it is directed at Dad. Some at Ward. Some of it is at Everything that led up to what happened with Ward... That is to say, the whole Chain Reaction: alcohol, hiding mental illness/pedophilia in our family. It's a bit overwhelming, but yet at the same time it feels really really freeing, because I'm FEELING something. I may be flawed, but I'm not fake. I'm leaving my safe nest. I feel a bit awkward, and a bit panicky sometimes, but there always seems to be a branch below me upon which to rest if I can't keep my altitude.
Dad, although you perhaps didn't mean to, you have been engulfed by mom's strong personality. You have strength, somewhere deep inside, but you don't seem to want to use it. I think you fear losing mom. This passiveness doesn't help you, nor does it help mom or me. I really needed someone to stand up for me. Instead you took her side. I really needed you. Instead you ran away.
So, for now, I would like you both to mull what I have written over. Talk to each other about it. Remember that I say this in the most loving way you can imagine. Mom, I'm your daughter, but I don't know if I've ever had a mother-daughter relationship with you. But your idea of what a mother/daughter should be seems to differ so far from what my vision is.
A mother, to me, is someone who mentors, who encourages. Mother may judge what her daughter looks like, who she's married to or hangs out with, what she wears or what she eats: but Mother doesn't comment on these things directly to her daughter or to her other family members. If you can't say something nice, or think something nice, no one is really going to benefit from hurtful or arbitrary comments. A mother respects her daughter's space and doesn't give unsolicited advice. A mother respects her daughter and lets her make her own decisions.
A landlord is not a mother. If we had a normal Landlord relationship, there were several times I would have reported you to the Rentalsman in the last few years. You, on the other hand, would have made speedy repairs and not told us to pay for minor repairs, nor would you have asked us to spy on your other renters, or contact them for you. You also would not tell someone you are renting from on how they should shower. You do not honour contracts with us. Yet you offer us 'gifts' that turn out to be more of a contractual/conditional cage. You also are know to change your mind and change the rules to your own advantage later on.
This type of relationship needs to stop. It's enmeshment. David and I need a break from this. Wait until (specified date) and we will call you. If you attempt to contact us first, we will extend the date by another (specified time). We don't want you calling us every week or every month. We need a clean break: an alotted time where we can sort out everything emotionally without any interference, no matter how well-meaning, from you or dad.
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