Apr 28, 2008 Things that make ya go 'Hmmmm...'

David & I had a discussion about children: I don't think it was meant to be. I am still not ovulating because of my Graves' complications. Even if that was overcome, I am not sure I would be a fit mother.

On a more positive note: We're going to a) Save money by eating the food we buy and not go out or order in so much (so far this week it's a success); b) David is helping more with housework and meals; c) Make goals such as Psychology schooling for me and a guitar for David...

My mother came over today. She broke the rule about calling after 9AM. She called us at 7:30 and then 2 more times before 9AM. She abuses our tenant/family relationship. She changed plans ("Oh, Bob the electrician is going to come over." So there went my plans for the morning) and tried to get me to do something that was clearly the painter's job. She wanted me to vacuum the unfinished porch so he could paint. I told her I would ask him if I had to do that (didn't make sense for me to use my brand new vacuum instead of him using his shop-vac) because I was thinking to myself, why in God's green earth would someone vacuum when they are going to have to scrape off all the old paint and stuff anyway?? I can't say anything to her, however, because she won't see her side of things, she will only interpret my assertiveness as ungratefulness and being mean.

She is our landlord. An eaves drain was blown away by the wind. She expects us to pay for it. "I can't do everything, Holls." She said. If I was any other renter, I don't think she'd say that - and if she were any other landlord I'd probably go to the Rentalsmen. In the past I have told her about issues in this house and she waited a year or more to do anything about them. Now she gets angry with me when I don't bother to tell her about issues in the house.

The painter was trying to do whatever my mom wanted and was making a big show of trying not to offend me for some reason (not sure if my mother told him I was crazy or something)... Bob the electrician was hilarious, though. He came in the back door to ask about the wiring for the lights and calmly shut the door on my mother's face! lol He asked me if I was going nuts because of her and I just grinned at him... lol He knows what she's like.

She finally left and I just didn't have the heart to confront her. It would completely sap the energy from my soul to try to explain everything to her and I don't think she'd believe me anyway.

I told David I want to get out of this black-moldy, dusty, dingy, dinky, drafty little hole and get out from under her thumb. I also want to get my name off of this house: I want nothing to do with it.

She is starting to clean up the house because she knows we are leaving sometime this year, not because she's doing it for us. She did the same thing before: I told her about the ceiling falling in on the porch and the black mold on the ceiling in the bathroom and it almost took 2 years to do anything about that - the only reason anything was finally done again was because Joline (David's mom) came to visit us the following summer.

My mom put siding on the house as well that year and made out as if it was all done for us, but I am fairly certain it was to make the heating bills less expensive, as that is the portion she takes off our rent in the winter. We would sometimes have over $400 off our rent because that's how drafty our house is. This year, considering she's apparently had the place fixed up, it was under that, marginally.

So high time we escaped from her and her enmeshed invasiveness.

-----------------
I have an idea that it might be a good thing that we aren't going to have children. I don't think I would be a fit mother, as I have been somewhat emotionally damaged from my relationship with mother (or lack thereof), the physical and emotional abuse from her and neglect from my father, that I might emotionally or physically harm my child.

I have seen proof that I can be this way, in general. When I was younger and working with children. Children will be children - this is no need to lose control. After a while these behaviours of mine seemingly ceased, as I made a vow to myself never to do them again. But I don't know if these behaviours have truly gone because in moments of weakness (illness, exhaustion or extreme hunger/low blood sugar) I can get contemptuous, seething with anger and I once in a while still hit objects. I don't know if I could forgive myself if I displayed or played out that sort of behaviour in front of or against my own child. Also, I am not sure if I would be hyper-vigilent about enmeshment and possibly avoid a deep relationship with my child or if I would still slip into the old patterns or codependency... Or worse, swing back and forth and behave unpredictably like my mother does.

Yessir, there is a lot to think about: hmmmmmmmmmm...

April 23rd: ??

I feel of two minds... Maybe three. lol

April 19th: Feeling Better, Sort Of

Not sure what to think. After a visit to the doctor I have been put back on Synthroid to maintain levels that have lowered significantly enough to affect me.

He said to keep in touch to make sure I am well mentally as well as physically.

I am not feeling so down right now, but I still feel a deepening disconnection from my family here in Regina.

David and I had a great talk while on vacation and he and I have a renewed commitment to goals in the future.

I am looking forward to a session with TR, because I want to see if he can shed some light on some of my images.