My aunt recently contacted me on Facebook. Says she is coming to town for a tradeshow. It used to be that once upon a time I would jump up and say yes. But we are so crazy busy this coming week, and I am so tired all the time... I decided to say no... She has invited me out if I want to see her. I am a little worried because, even though the last time I spoke to her (in the spring) she told me she is avoiding my mom... Because my mom still may have gotten her to come meet me to see what's going on and why I haven't spoken to my mother since May... That may be completely wrong, but I am still a bit worried about it. My mind can come up with lots of scenarios as to what could be going...
Also my mom called and left some kind of whiny message on the answering machine that I decided to delete. I didn't listen to it, I just heard the tone. And I promptly blocked that number as well.
I am freaking out a bit as to what my therapy session will entail tomorrow. I tried so hard to trade that day away but no one took it away from me. If I call in sick that will be the last 5 hours of sick time paid until next year... *sigh*
UPDATE on NOV 6, 2011:
I decided not to visit with my aunt. I trust her more than I trust my own mother, but I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I just want to be safe, and my curiosity about her can be put aside for that.
My mom sent us a thick letter which I haven't read and plan to take with me to my therapist tomorrow.
I have gotten to the 3rd part of Karyl McBride's book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough." I am pleased that in the book she also feels it is perfectly acceptable not to keep contact if the relationship with my mother is too toxic. I have noticed signs that I am not quite psychologically separated from her. I don't know if I have achieved what they call "individuation" yet.
I've also decided on my own not to visit so much online, especially that PsychLinks help. I realize that I am distracting myself and trying to give people advice when I am the one I should be focusing on. It's just another distraction. So I am going to do like the book suggests: going to get back into journaling and back into painting and doing some things I really enjoy. And when I have downtime or alone time I will explore my emotions a bit more instead of avoiding them... But perhaps that will give me more time to visit my blog more often.
