Ah... Peace...
Short version of the story:
For years I have wanted to get my name off the title. I didn't want to be someone who owned property with my mother. I felt I was mislead or at least I didn't understand the complexities of being on a title with them, nor did I want any responsibilities in relation to being on the title, perceived or real. To this day I don't know if what my mother told me was a mistake or if she intended to mislead me. I will never know for sure if she really knew that there would be no loss of money to all three parties on the title if I removed my name, and was just telling me I would cause great financial loss to everyone involved if I didn't stay on the title...
After finding out that my parents are indeed moving to BC, I felt I had to rush things. David and I checked with a lawyer and sure enough there were some discrepancies in what she told us. After a relatively benign confrontation with my mom and dad, she basically had to go along with what I wanted because now both dad and I know what is going on.
My mom still tried to bribe me into telling her why I really wanted to get my name off the title. "Since we are paying this to you, I was wondering if you could tell me why you really want to take your name off the title." I stood firm: I said my reasons were always the same and had never changed. It had nothing to do with anyone else influencing me. She paid us $200 so we could process the paperwork. If she hadn't signed what she did then we would have not been able to remove my name from the title and even if I had, some of the forms she signed allowed me to pay the reduced fee instead of the full $600.
This whole thing with the paperwork and my parents moving coincided with things happening at work and some financial difficulties. So I was a bit of a wreck. Thank GOD I have David beside me, or I would be a puddle of pain.
Well, as a result of all the turmoil going on, here is the painting I was working on before my parents left...
JUL10, 2010: PERSONA; (16 X 20")
... Some details of the painting below...
An email thread regarding this painting: to read it in its chronological order read from the bottom original email and then upward...
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From: T
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 11:13 AM
To: Holly
Subject: RE: A painting from Holly
Yup, that answers my question. I think you are (or strive to be) and honest person, but you feel like you have to deal with your mother as a dishonest person. (“She can’t handle the truth!!”) So you get squeezed by your morals on one side and your experience of trying to be honest with her on the other side, and you end up a Holly sandwich of misery.
So here’s the challenge: somehow working toward melding your inner self and your persona you project to the world. Yes, that can repel some people when it’s painful because they can’t deal with it, or it can repel you because you feel too exposed. You try to filter it, let out a bit to people you feel you can trust, but for you trusting people is fraught with risk because, hey, you can’t trust your own mother! But hey, you found David and he has his wounds and he is funny and brave and just goes “Here I am!” And I’m sure he pays a price for that willingness to be vulnerable, but his openness and honesty is why you trust him and you help and support each other deal with the fall-out from your respective crazy parents.
So, to allow yourself to do that (where your inner self is pretty much the same as your outer persona, only wearing pants and sensible shoes, guitar optional) is a good goal, even if some supposed friends can’t handle it. Well, to hell with ‘em. They are still acquaintances, then, not true friends. True friends would say “Holly, I can’t handle your pain, stop crying or I have to come back later when you’ve got it under control”, or “Holly, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about but have some chocolate or wine, you sound miserable”, or “Holly, that sucks, what can I do to help?”. True friends will tell you the truth about what they feel; you don’t have to guess, even if you didn’t like what you heard. You need that kind of friends, not pseudo-friends who withdraw when you are struggling or nail garlic and crosses to the door to keep you out. You are more interesting than they are anyway. Complex people are interesting, but sometimes hard to read because they hide their internal selves even from themselves; you can be complex and transparent too. It’s a lot less work. It’s more fun. You don’t have to apologise. You do not suck.
And your situation only seemed extreme because you tried to hold in all those emotions to the bursting point. But you can let a lot out in your art without saying anything. Man, I could feel it looking at that painting, that’s good art. I didn’t really need to “understand” it, because I still “get” it. Pretense, especially where YOU don’t feel YOU are being authentic, is your enemy. If you were protecting David or yourself by hiding how you feel, you were just falling into a trap of thinking your feelings (a) don’t count and (b) aren’t acceptable. Well, if that is a lesson you were taught as a kid, it is like someone taught you the earth is flat.
So, how can you be honest with your Mom (“I want my name off this title”) without telling her the whole truth (Because I don’t trust you and I think you’re scamming Revenue Canada)? You are learning how. It gets easier with practice. Holly, in my line of work, I occasionally have to work with people who have a lot of problems and who aren’t very nice to people. I try to tell them the truth when they ask my opinion, because I don’t know if they have any friends who will.
Sometimes this hurts them. If I lied to them, they might feel better temporarily, keep doing what they’re doing (justified that a Psychologist said they were right), and end up even worse off. But sometimes, I give them the truth in bite-sized portions because I am not sure they can digest it all at once. So, you can piece it out to your mom over time, to the extent she demonstrates she can take it. She does not want to see herself as the villain, so in her mind she isn’t and therefore she rejects or reframes negative information to feel good about herself. This is kind of what you’ve been practicing, as I see it. So far, so good. Karma-wise, she left town, so you must be doing something right.
Blah blah blah. I am on holidays for two weeks starting next week. Not sure when I am seeing you guys again, but enjoy your summer such as it is. See you soon.
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-----Original Message-----
From: Holly Sent: July 13, 2010 6:49 PM
To: T
Subject: Re: A painting from Holly
Hallo... Thanks for asking, T...
Well, the mask may have appeared completely white at one time: how perhaps I appeared all happy-happy to everyone at one time... But as you can see, it's slowly being eaten away by various elements: emotions, time, wear and tear... I wanted the red & texture to signify pain, blood and musculature. I could see through my own mask and it hurt, it felt like things were getting peeled away, as though it was skinned alive, I guess you can say. I also felt that my mask was starting to slip (heh crack up) and I was a bit afraid that I would freak some people out. I felt like whatever was behind that persona was going to burst out any time, as the strain was starting to force things through to the outside from the inside. The crevice was as dark as I felt my inner thoughts and fears were.
I guess the regions around the outside of the mask could be interpreted as my inner universe and inner thoughts.
Originally the left side of the negative space was white, but red bleeds into it: I kept telling myself I have to be deceitful or I won't survive, but I hate being deceitful. The other side is black, void of colour, empty. Sometimes I would feel the pain and emptiness at once, sometimes one or the other. There is a little bit of white where the stars/light sort of leak through the crack. I am still not completely without hope. Some of the pain may bring some healing. It just hurts to deal with it right now.
I was tired of pretending things were good at work, tired of pretending things were good at home... But I most intensely disliked feeling what I felt at certain times with my mother and yet simultaneously felt like a horrid person when I didn't disclose how I really felt; and then there was the pain that if I did actually tell her what I was feeling, it wouldn't do me any good because she wouldn't listen anyway and somehow what I said would be twisted into something else in her head. And she wishes we two were best buds. Ha! I couldn't talk to anyone at work about my life at home (believe me, the few I mentioned some details to now avoid me or don't talk to me as much anymore, other than small talk)... I didn't want to talk to anyone else outside of work for the same thing. I had some really good friends who hadn't really talked to me in a really long time. I really am tired of telling people my problems and then they avoid me. Hence the mask. Oh yes, everything's just peachy. Nothing to see here. I would rather feel pain than scare everyone away.
Now that the most daunting of my issues has moved to BC, and the paperwork is finalized and confirmed, and David's business is picking up, and he's even thinking of getting another part time job during the week... So work doesn't seem nearly so horribly stressful anymore. lol
I am not sure if that is EXACTLY how you meant by your question... lol
-Holly-
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Sent: Tuesday, July 13, 2010 4:16 PM
Subject: RE: A painting from Holly
Like the painting very much, although it is bit daunting. Do you have a conception of what the split represents or what the halves represent?
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-----Original Message-----
From: Holly
Sent: July 11, 2010 8:15 PM
To: T
Subject: A painting from Holly
I call it Persona... I'm afraid things are a bit obvious with this one... lol
And it was how I was feeling before, not how I feel now...
