Why do I feel like this?

*sigh*

Feels like something is sucking the life out of me... I feel like a squeezed sponge. Not physically feeling bad. Just feel like nothing can cheer me up. Some kind of root system feeding off me. I'm saying goodbye to some part of myself. Something is wrong.

Last week with Chris didn't help. Not sure if that was the catalyst or not, but lately feeling like I need to disown my parents and brother here in Regina in order to free myself from this downward spiral. Not sure if I am just paying better attention to myself and now I'm noticing my true feelings... But suddenly, me, the optimistic one, just doesn't feel like looking at the sunny side of things anymore. Don't think there is a sunny side, nor that there ever was. Just a big delusion.

Just making sure it isn't my thyroid. Noticing a burning or tingling there once in a while. A few other rhythms unbalanced. Definitely not my old self... But maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe, once I get through this patch of tar, things will appear much brighter and cleaner on the other side. Got a call from my physician: my blood tests indicate I don't need to be in meds for my thyroid, so not sure what's going on then.

Maybe my vacation will help... Countdown to Florida on April 2nd.

My brother also has a thyroid problem

Rob called today: he mentioned has been getting treated for a hypo thyroid for stress since May 2007. I had (and am still being treated) for Graves Disease which is a hyper thyroid issue.

Hashimoto's Thyroiditis is a type of autoimmune thyroid disease in which the immune system attacks and destroys the thyroid gland.

Graves' Disease is a type of autoimmune disease that causes over-activity of the thyroid gland, causing hyperthyroidism. This over-activity is also sometimes called "toxic diffuse goiter."

New Frontiers

Well... I have an appointment with a Joni character from the Pscyh department on Tues next week. This all comes from chatting with M.A. about a week ago at the Book & Briar, and then as well, I keep pestering him via emails for more info as well... Plus I don't seem to be getting a helluva lotta work from SaskTel at the moment, so I don't see the harm in looking into evening classes at the U of R...

On the upside, I am really getting into my art/writing journal... I've got some juicy drawings - I think better than from the old journal...

And then we'll also be taking a break out in Florida from Apr 2nd to Apr 17th. A well-earned one, methinks, for both David and I...

Yessir, I am really looking forward to the future these days!

Ah! New Journal!

Since I got the new sketchbook/journal I haven't had as much restlessness or tight feeling in my chest (but I'm still going to have the ol' blood test for my Graves Disease just in case). Also feel better since MA has let me know he is ill which is why he couldn't talk about graduate school with me several weeks ago... I was a little worried I annoyed him somehow through emails.

When I call people, especially those I think are extremely busy, I feel like I am bugging them. I always feel email is more of an elective... Generally someone sends/replies to emails when they have time... And people who know me, know that if they try to call me every single day I start to feel invaded as well, especially if it's more than one time in a day and they aren't considerate enough to end the call when I say I have to end the call... lol Fortunately that doesn't happen very often, but I have stopped communicating directly with a few people because of that.

Not the First Dream, but one of several...

As I mentioned in the previous post, I'm posting my dream in here because I can't do it in my finished journal. So this will have to suffice until I get a new one... I seem to have several dreams these days about a) my brother Rob; b)large buildings and pathways that I seem to get easily lost in; c) animals (I have dreamt about our deceased family terrier, Jet and anonymous cats)... d) older people like David Suzuki or other scholarly-type/spiritual men; e) People I recognize from work and f) people I recognize in my dream but not from real-life or g)people from the past... Oh, and h) weather is involved... mostly wind, sometimes stormy with immense rain/stormclouds, sometimes just hot & breezy, or freezing and windy... But always pretty darn windy...

Anyway... My recent dream (early this morning after I woke up I jotted it down on a little pad of paper): The first part of my dream lost some details because I woke and went back to sleep again...

David and I are in a strange room (familiar to us in this dream - and I remember dreaming about this house before or one like it: it has multitudes of rooms that don't seem to make a lot of sense in direction or aesthetics, but they have lots of antique/old furniture and lots of rooms, almost like a hotel. If you explore enough in this house you always find someone else is living in another part of it. Somehow you're annoyed that you can't recall sharing this space with anyone, but also you think 'well of course! This house is much to big for just ME to live in')...

In this little room is a countertop kitchenette (no stove or fridge), a twin-size bed (like a dorm room or basement suite). It's night, and David and I are trying to sleep, but we're a bit crowded and each one of us is fidgeting and waking the other up, or else it's too hot or too cold (and to make things more confusing this was also happening in our queen-size bed in reality)...

At some point (lost track of how this happened) in the dream David & I find ourselves sleeping on the floor (David finds this amusing, I find it a bit annoying). The first thing I notice, being on the floor, is that some moonlight/light from the hallway somewhere shows some small objects under the bed (a toy I think, and possibly a fork and a couple other odd objects)... The second thing I see, when I attempt to get back on the bed, is a pile of pots and pans and dishes. I am mightily annoyed about that! I'm not sure where David was at that point, but I went to the sink to clear more cutlery and dishes out so that we could wash those bloody dishes and get back into a nice comfortable bed... Well more comfy than the floor at any rate.

As I cleared each piece of cutlery or dish from the sink, I noticed outside my dream-self that the sink was shrinking smaller and smaller, but my dream-self didn't seem to notice this until the last piece of cutlery was removed and turned and suddenly there was no sink at all! Instead of a double sink, there were two cassettes that seemed to be built into the counter-top, which I removed because I couldn't seem to figure out how to listen to them... Or at least I removed one... I was not happy! Now what do I do with all these dishes all over the place that need washing, and how do I go back to sleep??

Then a couple of cats came into the room. David was annoyed now, because they were trying to spray everywhere! This annoyed me as well! Time to talk to the Landlord, who happens to be my mother (also in real-life). I easily reach her because she's in the same house in an adjoining room, but she is busy watching something on TV and looks at me with the most surprised and disdainful look... How dare I interrupt her show! (this happens a lot in real life, too) She scorns me and waves me off to figure it out on my own. I sense some other people in the dark room with her, but I can only make out her and the bright TV screen.

At some point I woke up in real life and then settled back down to sleeping again... Some details are lost as to what happened exactly between the last part and the following...

Now the dream is somewhat shifted but apparently in the same house in the daytime... I am now sitting in a different room apparently on the main floor of the house on the floor next to a strange piece of black furniture that resembles a sort of one-piece couch/automon ensemble. Beside me, chatting, is someone who is supposed to be (but doesn't look like) Matt (an old boyfriend that I haven't spoken to in decades) and Alan (a guy I know from work: an odd person to be chatting with Matt as Matt was a philanthropist, believe-in-God, destiny & fate kind of fellow and Alan doesn't believe in God and seems fairly cynical about everyday life - I would say they were opposites). Somehow I become separated from the scene.

I can see someone (an unknown but somehow familiar male) at the top of a long flight of stairs pushing an identical piece of furniture toward the edge of the stairs. This worries me because if this mischievous person (who seems to find the whole thing quite amusing) pushes the couch down the stairs, it looks like it will collide with the other one where the other two men are sitting. I try to protest, but either the man at the top of the stairs isn't taking me seriously or doesn't hear and gives the heavy furniture a heave which sends it rolling (on wheels) heavily with force down the stairs and it collides with the other couch with a loud crash and a lot of splintering and dust. This alarms me because it must have harmed the two gentlemen who were in front of it.

I am angry that this jerk at the top of the stairs did that, and I go see what happened. Sure enough, Alan has a broken nose and seems completely out of it - possibly with a concussion. Matt has blood inside of his eye because the pupil/iris is dilated and red. Again I appealed to my mother, as she is a nurse, but guess what? She was still watching TV (probably her stupid religious show she always watches and we can't even breathe when it's on) and shushed me and again couldn't be bothered.

So I tried to help the men, and went to the kitchen looking for ice, but for some reason had trouble finding a freezer or fridge. I walked back and forth a couple of times to check on them, and they didn't seem to get any better but yet for some reason I didn't seem to think of using a phone to call 911 (apparently this place was not equipped with a phone)...

So the next thing I know, I'm outside on my bike, trying to get help from somewhere. There is new blacktop on some parts of the road, and some of the neighbourhoods seem familiar, in fact at one T-intersection I notice in the turning lane the words painted 'Whitemud Trail' or something which is a major road in Edmonton, Alberta.

There aren't any cars, and it is getting to be dusk... I meant to go in one direction, but somehow ended up in a lower-income area of rough looking apartments (sort of like boardwalk properties or run-down condos)... There are about 10 stories to each of the apartments and I can see from my vantage point (on a hill behind the apartments in a sort of back alley or parking lot) that some people on a rooftop are trying to get my attention, waving at me, and whistling at me to come over. So my intent was to try to go there, but for some reason stop at a closer apartment building.

I'm now inside the building. I am walking up the stairs to the second floor where there appears to be some sort of common room/loft. The Landlord that comes to greet me is from India, bald, perhaps vaguely resembling Ghandi, but taller wearing a white shirt and trousers. He has a walking cane and something appears to make him limp from his left side (leg - paralysis or formerly broken bone that healed wrong). He asks me if I am looking for someone (he asks me the name, and I almost agree, but then I realize he said someone else's name and then I shake my head no); in fact, for some reason, the name that did come to my mind is Tom Michaud (he was my former fiance for a couple of years chronologically after Matt: this could be because the night before in real-life I saw a woman on the News whose last name was Michaud & it brought him to mind). The kindly gentleman from India points down some stairs on the other side of the common room into what appears to be a rented apartment swarming with RCMP or some sort of uniformed men, asking me if I recognnize any of them. I don't know them. At this point, in my dream, I am starting to tense up and seem to be suffering from exhaustion and possibly going into shock. I have been searching for so long, trying to get help, but I can't seem to get any from anyone, and people are in trouble, and I am so tired I can't seem to think anymore and I'm beginning to shut down.

At this point, I hear a woman's voice (but don't see her, presumably the Indian man's wife??), and she says something to the man who then agrees that I am suffering from something. He offers me a hearty meal, and I sit down at a TV table, but I just can't bring myself to eat it, or even pick up the spoon (but I think I was poking at it or he was spinning the plate of food). The unseen woman says something sympathetic about this (I can't remember exactly what) but she says something to indicate that I seem to be troubled and need a different kind of assistance.

At this point the man from India leans his bald head against my right shoulder above my breast; his skull is very warm compared to my body temperature (I seem to be wearing a tank top or light shirt with straps and I am very cold). He starts chanting something that I can't understand, and somehow this begins to release some sort of tension inside of me and I begin to break into tears. The unseen woman says some words of approval, as this seems to be the help I really needed.

Then the alarm woke me up. lol

Attempt at analysing my own dream with help from this >>website<< and The Portable Jung:
dorm/sleeping room: some part of my mind/consciousness; to see a dark, eerie or confining room, denotes that that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation. To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality.
bed: If you are waking up in different and/or unknown beds, then it represents the consequences of the decisions you have made. To dream that you are searching for a bed, suggests that you are having difficulties acknowledging your intimate self. You may be feeling inhibited in expressing your sexuality.
dishes: To see dishes in your dream, represents ideas, concepts, and attitudes. If the dishes are dirty and unwashed, then it signifies dissatisfaction and an unpromising outlook. You may have overlooked some problems in your life or you have not confronted your emotions. To dream that you are washing dishes, suggests that you are moving on and planning for the next thing that comes your way.
sink: To see a sink in your dream. represents your feelings and how you control your emotions. You may need to cleanse yourself of past feelings and start fresh.
shrinking: To see objects shrinking in your dream, indicates that they are not as important as they once were. So I am trying to understand: is the clutter/problems (dishes) in my life not so big a deal or are my problems (controlling my emotions) not so big of a deal?
road & travel:
-- To see a sign in your dream, indicates that you need assistance. You need some direction and guidance in your life. Pay attention to what the sign says and what it is pointing you to do (I don't think I know what to do unless that painted road sign means my life is muddy right now! LOL).
-- To see a fork in the road in your dream (well, I had a T- intersection and 3 is an important symbol), represents an important decision that you need to make (I did, without hesitation, choose to turn right). It may indicate your choices or ambivalence about some situation. Alternatively, a fork symbolizes the union of opposites. Opposing views/aspects are coming together.
-- To see a highway in your dream, represents your sense of direction and your life's path. Consider the conditions of the highway which will reveal how much you feel in charge of your life. A smooth, straight highway signifies inner peace.
-- To see a street in your dream, symbolizes your life's path. The condition of the street reflects how much control you have over the direction of your life. Is there a name on the street which can offer some significance or hints to the meaning of the dream: "Whitemud." To see side streets (if that includes back alleys and parking lots...), refers to a need to explore and return to more traditional ways. It may also suggest and alternative way of life.
bicycle: balance, 2 halves (wheels) working together to make 1 (and really I guess that's more like three: me, the cyclist, & the 2 wheels = 3 but also = 1). Me, my conscious self using my shadow & my animus to balance my life??
buildings: To see a building in your dream, represents the self and the body. How high you are in the building indicates a rising level of understanding or awareness. If you are in the lower levels of the building, then it refers to more primal attitudes and/or sexuality. I suppose if I am on what seems to be the top floor or mid-floor I'm better off... lol To dream about an apartment, symbolizes a financial or situational state. To dream of a shabby and dark apartment, indicates misfortune and possible loss of a lover or money (well, money-wise I guess, possibly).
people in your dream:
-- could be someone symbolizing the actual person in real-life (mom?), but could also be some aspect of yourself... For instance, perhaps Matt & Alan could be opposite parts of my animus that were more or less at peace with each other, but somehow conflicted with another part of my unconscious (I'm not sure who the guy at the top of the stairs symbolized - he seemed to act like my shadow, but he was male, so he had to have been another part of my animus).
-- To see an elderly person in your dream, represents wisdom or spiritual power. Pay attention to the message or advise that they are conveying you. They help provide life answers and solutions to your problems and try to guide you toward the right direction. Again, he is an unknown male, so I took it to mean he was part of my animus.
-- To see famous people in your dream, signifies an increase to your prosperity and honor (not in this dream but another dream I had recently, I saw David Suzuki).
-- To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them. So if it was my mother, I don't have a very good relationship with her, but I have a great relationship with David (and in a recent dream I also dreamt of my brother Rob, with whom I have a close relationship).
-- To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself.
--To see your childhood friend/ex boyfriend in your dream, signifies regression into your past where you had no responsibilities and things were much simpler and carefree. You may be wanting to escape the the pressures and stresses of adulthood. Consider the relationship you had with this friend and the lessons that were learned.
foreign/different language: Your unconscious mind is trying to communicate with you, possibly your shadow or your animus. From what I have read, if it is an unknown male it's my animus, and if it's an unknown female, it's my shadow. To see a foreigner in your dream, represents an aspect of yourself that is unfamiliar or strange to you. You may be neglecting or ignoring some important feelings or talents. To hear or speak a foreign language in your dream (the Indian man chanting in a language I do not understand), indicates a message from your unconscious that you do not yet understand.
staff: To see a staff in your dream, indicates that you are looking for reassurance and support to your decisions. Alternatively, it represents a journey, either spiritually or physically.
help/helplessness: To dream that you are calling or signaling for help, suggests that you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, and/or inadequate. To dream that you are helping someone, indicates your willingness to compromise your beliefs toward a greater accomplishment. It also represents your efforts to combine your talents or energies to achieve a mutual goal. So I wonder what it means if you are looking for help for someone else (or your unconscious mind) but you're not getting anywhere...
furniture:
-- To see furniture in your dream, represents how you feel about yourself and your family. It refers to your relationships with others and how they fit into your life. If that's the case, I do think my family is really unusual and if they're smashing into one another, until they splinter, that's not a good thing! LOL
-- To dream that you are moving furniture, indicates that you are going out of your way to please others. Also, you may be changing your ways and trying to reevaluate your relationships/attitudes.
-- To see old or worn furniture in your dream, symbolizes outdated attitudes, former relationships, and/or old ways of thinking. I'm not sure what smashed up furniture means... Perhaps either I need to sever completely from my parents or else I need to try harder to form a relationship with them. Just not sure if I could do either.

In conclusion, I am going to guess that this is something to do with:
A) the fact that although I yearn to get a psychology degree, I have some possible roadblocks... I am not able to get into university right now until I find out more about the processes and classes I need. And I can't find out about those until I talk to M. Also I have been reading a lot about psychology, and although I share some of my learning with David, there's only so much a person can share with someone who isn't studying or as interested in the materials. And there's only so much I can learn from him or ask him, as he doesn't read up on the same materials, nor is he an expert/teacher I can ask.
B) I'm not surprised that there are issues with my family coming out in my dream, but there's not much I can do about that either. I find it intriguing that this is the first time in ages I have dreamt of my mother, and I suspect the way she is acting in my dream indicates she hasn't really changed her ways (it is also reflected in real-life) so having a healthy relationship with her seems nearly impossible. And because she is ruthlessly jealous about my dad, I can't have a relationship with him, either. And he defends her to the point of excluding or not standing up for his children.
C) I know my unconscious mind has been trying to communicate to me, but I'll be darned if I know exactly what it's trying to say, other than perhaps that it's trying to protect and help me cope with what's going on in my conscious life (like it always has). On the other hand, if my subconscious is protecting me from having me forget things, I'm not sure if that's such a good thing.

"Working" In a Vacuum

*sigh* I was feeling restless because I can't talk to ONE LIVING SOUL about PSYCHOLOGY! I'm done my journal, but I would like to go over it with someone who has a more objective eye than myself. Carl Jung/Joseph Campbell even SAYS (and so do several other sources) that one cannot objectively analyze oneself or ones own dreams... Well, on the other hand, according to some online material I've read, one should be able to at least apply some personal meaning to one's dreams - rather than going along with a template of what symbols mean, because symbols mean something different to each individual.

Ah well, as soon as M.A. feels better, D & I will get together with him. Now I have no new journal because I keep getting called into work... Which is good. Except for the part about not having the energy to write/draw in my journal... So for now I'll record my dream in here....