Taken from an article online:
By A.J. Mahari Consumer: Borderline Personality Disorder Borderline Personality.org
A.J. Mahari, of Canada, is professional freelance writer who is a survivor of sexual abuse, and a person who has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Narcissists are in pain. Their humanity must be recognized.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it as monstrous. No one is the sum total of any diagnosis.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder has become synonymous with pejorative vilifying stereotypes that paint everyone diagnosed with it along with others with varying degrees of narcissism as monstrous people without worth. Rarely, in life, is the sum total of any human being with a personality disorder or not that simple or that black and white.
Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is isolating, disenfranchising, painful, and formidable for those diagnosed with it and often those who know them. Distinctions need to be made between those who have NPD because not each and every person with NPD is the same. Even with similar core issues the way in which one’s individual narcissism manifests itself in his or her relationships varies.
There is an irrefutable truth that many who have NPD are abusive. However, not all with NPD are abusive. Amongst those with NPD who are abusive the form and severity that their abuse takes will vary from individual to individual.
Chief among the traits that define Narcissistic Personality Disorder are what is described as a lack of empathy and a lack of compassion – not to be confused with the lack of conscience seen in the most severe form of narcissism within NPD – The Malignant Narcissism Syndrome (Kernberg 1992 – according to “The Handbook of Personality Disorders – Theory and Practice,” edited by Jeffery J. Magnavita - Pg 100) and that is most notably a feature in those diagnosed as having a psychopathic personality known as Antisocial Personality Disorder(APD). NPD and APD are not one in the same.
According to Wikipedia “Otto Kernberg described malignant narcissism as a syndrome characterized by a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial features, paranoid traits, and ego-syntonic aggression. Some also may find an absence of conscience, a psychological need for power, and a sense of importance (grandiosity). … Malignant narcissism is considered part of the spectrum of pathological narcissism, which ranges from the Cleckley's antisocial character (today's psychopath) at the high end of severity, to malignant narcissism, to NPD at the low end.”
Most with NPD struggle to understand the experience of others because they are too involved in their own inner experience. An inner experience that is then projected out onto others in ways that leave others being treated as mere extensions of the narcissist who needs to have reflected back his or her own image of self. When this image of self is reflected back in ways that enhance how the narcissist feels about him/herself, all is well. This, for the narcissist is the experience of the gratification of narcissistic supply.
The person with NPD cannot really see others separately from the way he/she experiences the world from his or her point of view only. Most everything is experienced as being about them, some extension of them, or as thwarting their wants and/or needs.
What is the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder? What does the false self mean? To read more in answer to these two questions please check out my ebook, The Shadows and Echoes of Self- The False Self Born Out of the Core Wound of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder.
Those with NPD are blinded to the external unfolding experience of others in relation to them. They are lacking in self-awareness, often, of how others experience them. Narcissists live their lives from the inside and do not have a very flexible or evident insight into what the difference is between their image of themselves versus who they really are (as seen and defined by others) and who they hold themselves out to be.
Narcissists, often, tremendously lack insight and awareness into themselves because they cannot see past this created, exaggerated and aggrandized image of self that is incongruent with who they really are and how others experience them. Trying to feedback to those with NPD about their actions, or behavior and so forth can be very frustrating because it is too painful for the narcissist to look behind the reflection of aggrandized self that they must have mirrored back to them in order to psychologically survive. The narcissist’s grandiosity is a defense against profound psychological pain.
The narcissist’s self-focus, along with his or her constant taking as they reel in this much-needed supply that buffs up and sustains their (albeit illusionary) image of grandiose and special self, interferes in this or her ability to share in the mutuality and/or reciprocity needed for healthier relating.
Those with NPD, while often described as stuck on themselves, or as full of themselves, truly are lost to themselves. Unlike those with BPD who have no sense of an actual known self and whose core wound of abandonment results in a lost self – those with NPD experience an emotional arrest at an earlier stage of early childhood development than do those with BPD (Masterson) that results in a image of a self that is held to perfection in a way that excludes the reality of the narcissist’s pain. Anything that contradicts the image of perfection threatens his or her psychological survival and is much too painful and threatening to even acknowledge.
Being on the other side of a narcissist can be very painful and frustrating. Relationships with most with NPD are usually not very satisfying or rewarding, emotionally, for those who are non-personality disordered.
Most people, who have been in, or are in, a relationship with someone with NPD feel very lonely and often invisible. Those who have NPD are not emotionally available and this is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with for others.
The reality that someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder or in some cases, both personality disorders, does not and should not excuse their abusive behavior in any way. The challenge for the personality disordered is to learn how to take personal responsibility. Often those with NPD and/or BPD will put the responsibility for their poor, disrespectful, or abusive behavior onto those they are relating to. Do not accept this responsibility. To do so is painful and crazy-making and only gives permission to the personality-disordered to continue to treat you the way they do and to blame you for it or try to have you believe that their behavior results from what you do or don't do - this is not true.
It is important to have compassion for those who have NPD. They are not all monsters, nor do they all behave in monstrous ways. If you are in tremendous emotional pain you may need to find ways to emotionally detach whether you stay in the relationship or not.
With healthy emotional detachment, and even when we have to remove ourselves from the abuse of a narcissist, how can we say that we are any different from a narcissist if we do not have empathy and compassion for those diagnosed with NPD?
How can we criticize what those with NPD are not able to share or do, if we ourselves aren’t prepared to share what we are actually capable of?
Having compassion for a narcissist doesn't mean, however, sadly enough in many cases, that we can stay connected to the narcissist or actively share that compassion with the person with NPD. The best we can do is to recognize that not all things that those with NPD do, are done with malice. Those in relationships with those with NPD and/or who have been abused by someone with NPD need to take care of themselves. Having compassion for the narcissist doesn't mean staying in the relationship.
Compassion, like forgiveness, are gifts that you truly give to yourself as much as to anyone with NPD. Actively being aware of both will help you heal and will set you free from any and all painful entanglement with someone with NPD.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Mom and Dad
I mixed some text from this website: http://ezinearticles.com/?Perfect-Match---The-Narcissist-Marries-a-Borderline-Personality&id=1351464 with some of my own notes to get a better grip on our family's dynamic.
When a narcissist (mother) chooses a marital partner, she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow her lead in every aspect of life. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from her partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should her faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder (dad). These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The Narcissist is the master; the Borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of her borderline spouse that he an be disposed of precipitously.
For example, in my father's case, he thinks he is doomed to get Alzheimer's like his own dad. He has said that he has to look after mom now, because later in life he is sure she will have to look after him. And it probably didn't help when his father started succumbing to Alzheimer's that everyone seemed glad and that they were waiting impatiently for his death, and left him, in the end, at the hospital. This is kind of sad, to think that my dad thinks that because he might become a burden later, he has to be a servant to pay for it now. I think my dad fears he will be left to rot in a hospital bed, despised by his entire family. But he is NOT his father.
I also think, like me at one time, he thinks he's losing his mind because she does that little trick where she changes the details of an event or says that how he remembers it wasn't how it happened, etc. She is gaslighting. So Dad is really sane, but Mom makes him doubt that..
The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. I have done this before as well, with mother to some extent and then to some unsavoury boyfriends. I tell you I am lucky to have survived long enough to meet my husband, D. He is my hero! 8) This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic. Which annoyed my mother to no end: she kept telling me not to take on everyone's pain and not to worry so much about other people's lives.
My dad's father was very very hard on his children and wife. He was a drill sargeant even when he wasn't away at war. He was either absent or he was a fist coming down on his family. The years we visited them, when I was a child, I seem to remember some of my grandfather's behaviours and, upon reflection, I believe my dad's father had a Narcissist PD. So perhaps my grandmother had BPD, because she was very meek and did whatever she was told, and seemed to be thought of as the one you go to for comfort, the one who looked after everyone lovingly. I believe my father felt anger towards his father and put his mom on a pedestal. In the end, neither of my dad's parents could offer the love that a child needs, let alone his eight brothers and sisters. He appears to have suffered the same fate that we, his children have. But the roles are reversed. Mom is the Narcissist and he is the BPD.
I also strongly believe that my mother appeared to him as a meek BPD (and very well may have been at one time)... She was emotionally abused and affected as well by a Narcissistic parent. I think, in her case, it might have been my mom's mother. She was always trying to get attention in a negative manner. She would exhaust herself by cooking elaborate meals for instance and then try to get more attention by berating herself for overcooking something or making something taste bland. She was also a very depressed individual, and seemed to worry about everyone all the time, but also what others thought of her. It's hard to say. Grampa, on the other hand, was a self-educated man, proud of what he had accomplished. He was a janitor, but he wasn't meek. He was a very generous person who helped people, etc, and I remember fondly that he could beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit, hands down. If anything he was a fairly stable individual, or at least appeared to be. Because my mother said her father beat her with a vacuum cord once. And from what my mom has told me about her childhood, she was always trying to be good, followed the rules of the house, and didn't act permiscously etc, so I am not sure what could have precipitated a beating like that, perhaps other than grades. So it could have been Grampa who had NPD. Mind you, from what I have read, BPD do also possibly have psychotic episodes if pushed to the brink, so there could have been a lot of things going on. For instance, perhaps our alcoholic aunt, his daughter Maria, was out of control and perhaps because our other aunt, their daughter Gina, left home at 16 years of age and married so young (possibly because of being unwed & pregnant with my cousin N)... I still get from the consistancy of their behaviour, that Gramma MAY have had NPD and Grampa MAY have had BPD or at least Gramma suffered from some sort of depression. It could have been the other way around completely, for all I know.
The interesting thing was, in our family, I was the one who always tried to be good, although in my adolescence my grades and academic performance weren't all that great either. I was usually discouraged from doing anything really good because that, of course, would be showing up or showing off in front of C (middle brother) and be something that broke his heart and made him feel awful about himself. And, like mom, since I was the only one left around to punish, that's probably why she always seemed to enjoy picking on me. The whole house was out of control: C (middle brother) didn't stick to the rules and if things got too pressurized he just left the house. R (my youngest brother) and her argued about R's health (he had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I imagine since C's behaviour seemed completely out of control (partially her own doing, as she would set rules for him and constantly let them slid when he disobeyed because she felt he 'didn't understand'), so she had to turn to something else. Of course, R's (my youngest brother) health & sleeping pattern was not something controllable either.
But back to mom & dad's marriage...
This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.
Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological problems as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and depression.
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has been interviewed on numerous radio talk shows throughout the country.
Visit her website at: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Martinez-Lewi_Ph.D.
When a narcissist (mother) chooses a marital partner, she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow her lead in every aspect of life. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from her partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should her faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder (dad). These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The Narcissist is the master; the Borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of her borderline spouse that he an be disposed of precipitously.
For example, in my father's case, he thinks he is doomed to get Alzheimer's like his own dad. He has said that he has to look after mom now, because later in life he is sure she will have to look after him. And it probably didn't help when his father started succumbing to Alzheimer's that everyone seemed glad and that they were waiting impatiently for his death, and left him, in the end, at the hospital. This is kind of sad, to think that my dad thinks that because he might become a burden later, he has to be a servant to pay for it now. I think my dad fears he will be left to rot in a hospital bed, despised by his entire family. But he is NOT his father.
I also think, like me at one time, he thinks he's losing his mind because she does that little trick where she changes the details of an event or says that how he remembers it wasn't how it happened, etc. She is gaslighting. So Dad is really sane, but Mom makes him doubt that..
The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. I have done this before as well, with mother to some extent and then to some unsavoury boyfriends. I tell you I am lucky to have survived long enough to meet my husband, D. He is my hero! 8) This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic. Which annoyed my mother to no end: she kept telling me not to take on everyone's pain and not to worry so much about other people's lives.
My dad's father was very very hard on his children and wife. He was a drill sargeant even when he wasn't away at war. He was either absent or he was a fist coming down on his family. The years we visited them, when I was a child, I seem to remember some of my grandfather's behaviours and, upon reflection, I believe my dad's father had a Narcissist PD. So perhaps my grandmother had BPD, because she was very meek and did whatever she was told, and seemed to be thought of as the one you go to for comfort, the one who looked after everyone lovingly. I believe my father felt anger towards his father and put his mom on a pedestal. In the end, neither of my dad's parents could offer the love that a child needs, let alone his eight brothers and sisters. He appears to have suffered the same fate that we, his children have. But the roles are reversed. Mom is the Narcissist and he is the BPD.
I also strongly believe that my mother appeared to him as a meek BPD (and very well may have been at one time)... She was emotionally abused and affected as well by a Narcissistic parent. I think, in her case, it might have been my mom's mother. She was always trying to get attention in a negative manner. She would exhaust herself by cooking elaborate meals for instance and then try to get more attention by berating herself for overcooking something or making something taste bland. She was also a very depressed individual, and seemed to worry about everyone all the time, but also what others thought of her. It's hard to say. Grampa, on the other hand, was a self-educated man, proud of what he had accomplished. He was a janitor, but he wasn't meek. He was a very generous person who helped people, etc, and I remember fondly that he could beat anyone at Trivial Pursuit, hands down. If anything he was a fairly stable individual, or at least appeared to be. Because my mother said her father beat her with a vacuum cord once. And from what my mom has told me about her childhood, she was always trying to be good, followed the rules of the house, and didn't act permiscously etc, so I am not sure what could have precipitated a beating like that, perhaps other than grades. So it could have been Grampa who had NPD. Mind you, from what I have read, BPD do also possibly have psychotic episodes if pushed to the brink, so there could have been a lot of things going on. For instance, perhaps our alcoholic aunt, his daughter Maria, was out of control and perhaps because our other aunt, their daughter Gina, left home at 16 years of age and married so young (possibly because of being unwed & pregnant with my cousin N)... I still get from the consistancy of their behaviour, that Gramma MAY have had NPD and Grampa MAY have had BPD or at least Gramma suffered from some sort of depression. It could have been the other way around completely, for all I know.
The interesting thing was, in our family, I was the one who always tried to be good, although in my adolescence my grades and academic performance weren't all that great either. I was usually discouraged from doing anything really good because that, of course, would be showing up or showing off in front of C (middle brother) and be something that broke his heart and made him feel awful about himself. And, like mom, since I was the only one left around to punish, that's probably why she always seemed to enjoy picking on me. The whole house was out of control: C (middle brother) didn't stick to the rules and if things got too pressurized he just left the house. R (my youngest brother) and her argued about R's health (he had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I imagine since C's behaviour seemed completely out of control (partially her own doing, as she would set rules for him and constantly let them slid when he disobeyed because she felt he 'didn't understand'), so she had to turn to something else. Of course, R's (my youngest brother) health & sleeping pattern was not something controllable either.
But back to mom & dad's marriage...
This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.
Linda Martinez-Lewi holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is a licensed marriage family therapist. She has extensive clinical training in narcissistic and borderline disorders. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi is the author of the book "Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life."
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has worked for many years with patients experiencing psychological problems as a result of personal and professional relationships with narcissistic personality disorders. She has clinical experience treating patients suffering from childhood trauma, anxiety disorders, and depression.
Dr. Martinez-Lewi has been interviewed on numerous radio talk shows throughout the country.
Visit her website at: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Martinez-Lewi_Ph.D.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wisdom from Sensei
I can pretty much agree with T that this is definitely Mom:
A bit more perspective on narcissism. With all personality disorder diagnoses, there is usually some breakdown in parent-child emotional bonding in the development of narcissistic tendencies which begets the compensatory desire-merging-into-belief one is special/entitled/privileged. It may come about because of contradictory messages from the caregiver(s); one says “You’re great” while the other says “You suck/I don’t love you”. The child naturally wants the “you’re great” message and in adulthood will replay the drama of needing admiration and rejecting negative feedback while behaving selfishly in ways that guarantee more negative feedback. In adulthood, others may get cast in quasi-parental roles (without knowing they are even in a play) in the narcissist’s attempts to heal the narcissistic wound and, when they inevitably fail to do so, may be chastised or discarded as the individual projects the internalized negative message outward (projecting it onto others) and, in various ways, tells those who fail to love her adequately “you suck/I don’t love you”. The narcissist is always given mixed messages in childhood, and goes on to constantly give others mixed messages (e.g., I want to give you a house versus I want you to give me money/love/admiration in return; I will take care of your needs versus I want you to take care of my needs.) In their childhood world, love was always contingent, therefore that’s how they exhibit love, as a series of contingent negotiations where every worm they throw out has a hook imbedded in it. Love must be coerced through symbols (e.g., money, possessions), not given and received freely. But, because most people don’t respond well to this approach, there is constant reinforcement of the narcissistic wound because no one can give them the love that will heal it. You can be their fan or an acolyte, but you can never be allowed to relate to them as an equal. Often, this person never felt securely loved in childhood, and doesn’t know how to have that kind of relationship. They live in a world where, to get what they want, they have to make deals that have nothing to do with what they really want.
I think narcissists frequently lie to others but their lies become “true” to them as a part of a life narrative of “I’m great, YOU suck” because their versions of events always reinforce their view of themselves and their relationships to others. In a sense, they keep lying to themselves, too, to maintain the fiction that they are great and loveable. Thus, it is difficult to argue with them about the relationship because they will reject or jettison any logic or detail in your argument that doesn’t fit their biography in which they are both hero and victim. Most of us do this to a more limited extent, but the narcissist can’t tolerate the self-examination because they are working so hard to project how great they are that it would be exposing the wound at their centre to allow any critique.
I know a university professor who ended up causing a lot of harm to her graduate students because she saw them as soldiers in her army, so whenever they didn’t toe the line they were punished verbally. When a series of students quit working with her sought new advisors, she could not identify any responsibility on her part for these relationship breakdowns; her answer was she had a lot of “weak students”. There was no insight there at all into the fact that what all those problems had in common was her and her behaviour. There are also borderline characteristics in that individual, as there seem to be in your mother’s situation, but I think the narcissism component is more difficult because the individual defends the ego against any and all challenges, rather than questioning whether they might be part of the problem. Borderline pd clients will often seek help, narcissists won’t admit they need any and won’t accept help if it challenges them to examine their own behaviour. They are selfish and even that they redraw as altruism. Thus, your mother buys these properties ostensibly to “give” each of you a house, but her goal is to make money for her self and for you to “give” something back to her; part of the money, gratitude, favours. It’s an extreme form of the behaviour wherein one gives presents so as to get them; the goal is getting something and giving is just another means of doing that. This professor also saw herself as highly ethical and even taught ethics while behaving unethically toward students. She did not see the contradiction and students feared her because she could become quite punishing if she didn’t get her way. She viewed the world in terms of allies/acolytes and enemies. Does she sound a lot like your mother?
Read up on narcissistic and borderline p.d., and maybe you can clarify for them what it is they are dealing with and how to deal with it more effectively. And try to develop some compassion (without necessarily moving to guilt and doing things you don’t feel right about), since she was not born this way but made this way by some childhood dynamic she does not even understand and likely cannot tolerate examining. As strong and fear-inducing as she may be to you and your siblings, if this is her situation then she is not strong; the strength is an illusion she created. Her behaviour of roping you guys into things is an expression of need.
A bit more perspective on narcissism. With all personality disorder diagnoses, there is usually some breakdown in parent-child emotional bonding in the development of narcissistic tendencies which begets the compensatory desire-merging-into-belief one is special/entitled/privileged. It may come about because of contradictory messages from the caregiver(s); one says “You’re great” while the other says “You suck/I don’t love you”. The child naturally wants the “you’re great” message and in adulthood will replay the drama of needing admiration and rejecting negative feedback while behaving selfishly in ways that guarantee more negative feedback. In adulthood, others may get cast in quasi-parental roles (without knowing they are even in a play) in the narcissist’s attempts to heal the narcissistic wound and, when they inevitably fail to do so, may be chastised or discarded as the individual projects the internalized negative message outward (projecting it onto others) and, in various ways, tells those who fail to love her adequately “you suck/I don’t love you”. The narcissist is always given mixed messages in childhood, and goes on to constantly give others mixed messages (e.g., I want to give you a house versus I want you to give me money/love/admiration in return; I will take care of your needs versus I want you to take care of my needs.) In their childhood world, love was always contingent, therefore that’s how they exhibit love, as a series of contingent negotiations where every worm they throw out has a hook imbedded in it. Love must be coerced through symbols (e.g., money, possessions), not given and received freely. But, because most people don’t respond well to this approach, there is constant reinforcement of the narcissistic wound because no one can give them the love that will heal it. You can be their fan or an acolyte, but you can never be allowed to relate to them as an equal. Often, this person never felt securely loved in childhood, and doesn’t know how to have that kind of relationship. They live in a world where, to get what they want, they have to make deals that have nothing to do with what they really want.
I think narcissists frequently lie to others but their lies become “true” to them as a part of a life narrative of “I’m great, YOU suck” because their versions of events always reinforce their view of themselves and their relationships to others. In a sense, they keep lying to themselves, too, to maintain the fiction that they are great and loveable. Thus, it is difficult to argue with them about the relationship because they will reject or jettison any logic or detail in your argument that doesn’t fit their biography in which they are both hero and victim. Most of us do this to a more limited extent, but the narcissist can’t tolerate the self-examination because they are working so hard to project how great they are that it would be exposing the wound at their centre to allow any critique.
I know a university professor who ended up causing a lot of harm to her graduate students because she saw them as soldiers in her army, so whenever they didn’t toe the line they were punished verbally. When a series of students quit working with her sought new advisors, she could not identify any responsibility on her part for these relationship breakdowns; her answer was she had a lot of “weak students”. There was no insight there at all into the fact that what all those problems had in common was her and her behaviour. There are also borderline characteristics in that individual, as there seem to be in your mother’s situation, but I think the narcissism component is more difficult because the individual defends the ego against any and all challenges, rather than questioning whether they might be part of the problem. Borderline pd clients will often seek help, narcissists won’t admit they need any and won’t accept help if it challenges them to examine their own behaviour. They are selfish and even that they redraw as altruism. Thus, your mother buys these properties ostensibly to “give” each of you a house, but her goal is to make money for her self and for you to “give” something back to her; part of the money, gratitude, favours. It’s an extreme form of the behaviour wherein one gives presents so as to get them; the goal is getting something and giving is just another means of doing that. This professor also saw herself as highly ethical and even taught ethics while behaving unethically toward students. She did not see the contradiction and students feared her because she could become quite punishing if she didn’t get her way. She viewed the world in terms of allies/acolytes and enemies. Does she sound a lot like your mother?
Read up on narcissistic and borderline p.d., and maybe you can clarify for them what it is they are dealing with and how to deal with it more effectively. And try to develop some compassion (without necessarily moving to guilt and doing things you don’t feel right about), since she was not born this way but made this way by some childhood dynamic she does not even understand and likely cannot tolerate examining. As strong and fear-inducing as she may be to you and your siblings, if this is her situation then she is not strong; the strength is an illusion she created. Her behaviour of roping you guys into things is an expression of need.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
My new Painting
Aug 28, 2008: URSA & LEO; Canvas & Acrylic (15X30")
I'm not sure what this one's about other than I can say of course there are two sides to everything.
Everything has it's opposite, and so I felt compelled to have Ursula = Queen = Cold North (but at the same time, the sun comes up behind her and lights everything up); Leo = King = Hot South (but at the same time, the cool night sky is behind him, and it makes him look as though he is glowing in the dark like an ember)...
This is probably more of a depiction of my own personality, not so much my mother & father's. I found it interesting that one associates URSA with the Northern Star, the Guide. LEO, on the other hand, the Ruler, or king of beasts (symbolizing perhaps control or overseer of the shadow?)seems to factor heavily in the constellations as well. The one thing they both seem to have in common is that there are certain points in the constellation that are actually a collection of stars.
It kind of reminds me a bit of Lord Valentine's Castle: the Robert Silverberg story mentions the Lady of the Isle, the Queen of Dreams - benevolent dreams that guide people in their lives; whereas the King of Dreams sends nightmares that torment the soul and punish.
My Central figure again depicts opposites, the light side of the shadow as well as the dark side. The shadow side is on the side of the Guide/Female and the light side is on the side of the Ruler/Male.
I still need to have time to understand my own paintings. lol Someday soon perhaps.
It really meant a lot to me when my Sensei T said: 'Beautiful. Your paint is now moving like your drawings, and it feels more alive, more like Holly.'
Splitting...
My inner Analyst is sitting there watching my 2 other selves...
The Analyst-Self watches the Self who is made of Stone. Stone-Self doesn't feel much of anything. Stuff bounces off her, and she's incredibly hard to crack. Only thing is, once she is cracked or a piece breaks off, it can't be fixed. The Analyst notices some stress lines.
Encased inside the Stone-Self, is the Water-Self. She's a mess. She's drowning in everything that's pouring into her little cell from all the little stress fractures in the Stone-Self. She's encased in this little stone prison, and she can barely breathe. She's frantically clawing at the side of the Stone-Self, trying to keep her head above water, trying not to drown. But all the humidity and rising tide is choking her.
The Analyst notices her struggles and wonders if this will cause the Stone-Self to crumble more quickly.
And what will happen if the Water-Self drowns? If the water builds up enough will this kill her and then cause the Stone-Self to crumble inward completely? The Analyst wonders also...
Someone is apparently aware of her as well. Another Self watches the Analyst and smiles a bemused, wry smile.
The Analyst-Self watches the Self who is made of Stone. Stone-Self doesn't feel much of anything. Stuff bounces off her, and she's incredibly hard to crack. Only thing is, once she is cracked or a piece breaks off, it can't be fixed. The Analyst notices some stress lines.
Encased inside the Stone-Self, is the Water-Self. She's a mess. She's drowning in everything that's pouring into her little cell from all the little stress fractures in the Stone-Self. She's encased in this little stone prison, and she can barely breathe. She's frantically clawing at the side of the Stone-Self, trying to keep her head above water, trying not to drown. But all the humidity and rising tide is choking her.
The Analyst notices her struggles and wonders if this will cause the Stone-Self to crumble more quickly.
And what will happen if the Water-Self drowns? If the water builds up enough will this kill her and then cause the Stone-Self to crumble inward completely? The Analyst wonders also...
Someone is apparently aware of her as well. Another Self watches the Analyst and smiles a bemused, wry smile.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Stone
I wasn't here
I was on another planet where I wasn't born out of reptilian slime
Where I was barely able to perceive my existence
Where the dark was formed by something other than oxygen
Where I was part of a mountain
I fell off the summit
Sloughed off in an avalanche
I was rough and sharp
But I fell to the bottom of a great expanse of liquid that was something like water
Sank to the bottom slowly and settled amoungst other stones
Comforting in the darkness
And how bouyant my weight felt
Letting time slowly smooth me down
And eventually I dissolved
I was just particles
Dispersed over great distances
Where eventually I came to rest
My atoms and minerals shining like diamonds across the planet
So I could see the whole sky sparkling back at me all at once
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)