How Things Are Going Lately

There are several theories about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Some people with NPD have Sociopathic traits.  However if someone is a pure Sociopath, then they definitely display Narcissistic traits.  It's pretty tough to distinguish sometimes which is what. 

I sometimes think my Nmom just has NPD.  Other times I wonder how she could be so unfeeling and a lot of times I've felt she's faked happiness and love toward me. 

I DO know, for instance, that on some level my Nmom KNOWS the difference between right and wrong.  The thing is she somehow figures out a way to change the rules for herself, like rationalizing, telling herself she is entitled to something because of whatever reason (ie being mistreated all her life while growing up, seldom getting what she wanted, trying to make her life easier by making "shortcuts," etc)...  

So she thinks no one should blink an eyelash if she does something vengeful, says something hurtful, decides she shouldn't report all her earnings of property to Revenue Canada, thinks she should keep all her kids on title to properties even though they don't want to be in order to somehow get financial advantage, doesn't pay her employees enough money for 12 hour shifts, skimps on repairs for her properties, or takes too long to do them until the renters complain to the Rentalsman or Health Services and sue her.  Even when she gets audited (more than once) by Revenue Canada, or gets sued by the Labour Board (more than once), her children going "behind her back"  (because we didn't have any other choice and we knew she was lying) and finding things out with a Real Estate lawyer (me), and so on... Even though plenty of authorities have found her guilty as charged, she still somehow turns it around to not being her fault!!  She blames her parents for her upbringing, she blames the authorities who blame her (because of the obvious evidence)...  Somehow she won't come clean.  There is some kind of danger to her psyche (so says my therapist)...  If she ever were to admit there was something wrong with HER it would be so devastating it would somehow turn her inside out.  This isn't me saying that it excuses her behaviour.  Far from it.  Because instead of dealing with HERSELF and pointing her finger back in the correct direction (at herself) she is protecting herself from ever being wrong.  She can't fathom that she can be wrong. 

She can't be, she has to be perfect.  She can't be herself, she has to be Something Else, because her Self is not good enough to exist. 

So she has lost her humanity, lost touch with empathy, sacrificed all relationships (except my dad who revolves around her and accepts all she says as Truth).  She can't even share my father with us children, she can't share him with his family. 

The dragon (my Nmom) keeps him locked up in her dark cave and whispers lies to him.  He's like an Albatross feather (that worships her).  Yet she needs him to fly.  He's her eternal enabler.  If he were ever to take the side of someone else, she would probably rip him to shreds and throw him out with the trash and then go hide in her deep dark cave feeling sorry for herself. 

So I have this weird balance of feeling sorry for my mother (and father) but at the same time I know she can't be helped.  She doesn't want help.  She would prefer to abandon reality for her fake world where she's a wonderful human being and she's up against everyone else in the world (martyr). 

I have been NC since May 2011 and I've never felt better.  But I don't exactly HATE her...  I don't know if I LOVE her either.  She just is what she is, and I have decided it's best to let her be the way she is and not be involved with it. She's just this person who won't hurt me anymore.  More of a bad memory that's fading.  I used to feel guilt when I thought of her.  Now I just feel this faint idea of regret or wistfulness.  Wishfulness.  A dream I woke up from.  Reality:  I have a biological mother.  She doesn't know how to be a mother (or a person, for that matter)...  She learned that to get love she had to get things.  She thinks everything and everyone operates that way, too.  She is sadly mistaken.  Sadly for her. 

I am content now, knowing that all this time it was her with the problem and there was nothing wrong with me.   I am satisfied that I tried my best to get her to love me, but that goal is impossible, not because of ME but because of HER.  She can't even really love herself, so how can she love anyone else?  I still have some old habits I am having good progress on breaking because of being raised by her.  But for the most part I have this feeling of peace.  It took me about 40 years to get to this point.  I like it this way. 

I am reborn.  Phoenix.  From that which I thought was ash, I continue to grow into my New Self.  Without you. With people who truly love me and support me.  Like my husband, for instance.

Good bye, biological mom.  You gave birth to me.  I am now being reborn without you.