After letting my brother and sister-in-law know what we were doing, they requested not to be involved, which is understandable under the circumstances... I took out everyone's names and just used their first initial to protect privacy.
Hey Holly,
Sounds good.
G recommends you contact a City of Regina Assessor and talk to them re: property values and quote only what the assessor has to say. G doesn't feel comfortable being quoted with the information she gave you, even if you say it came from someone else, especially because it's a VERY rough estimate and opinion, and she doesn't know how likely it is for an assessor to say those kinds of things about the house. Overall, we both feel it's best if we aren't involved in any way, for our sakes and for yours. Mom has a way of tripping us all up and finding things out (ie. that G gave you this info), and it can all wind up biting us in the butt somehow. So just call the City and get any info you can directly from them.
I also would ask that you remove the comments about how Mom got me to sign an apology to cover her sorry ass. Don't get me wrong, I would love to throw that in her fuckin face at any chance I can get but, this isn't the time or place.
We support you and will help you in any way we can that is good/healthy for all of us. If you have any questions about this email, or G's professional and personal opinion, or just need to vent, don't hesitate to call. We are here for you.
Love R
That being said, that means 'The Email' to mother would resemble this:
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
D and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states D (my husband) and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am not going to be coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When D (my husband) and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation D and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
I did this a lot: I write down stuff or rehearse stuff all the time. But I don't always send it or say it or do it. I think I must have rehearsed millions of strategies and role-played in my mind a zillion ways to talk to or say things to my mom. Because she was unpredictable and one would have to be prepared for ANYTHING!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Why Can't I Have a Nice NORMAL Family??
Here's what was edited... The green lettering is the original info by me, then the blue by T, and then the red is me editing for the third time...
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states David and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am reminded my brother was coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions in a similar situation, and I do not want to end up in a similar position or worse.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation David and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The additional information we have collected from various resources & expertise:
Updated Aug 19, 2008
798-0641: Property Management: Sk Gov’t Land Registry -- I can sign an Affidavit of Identity because my name still shows as my maiden name on the Title, and I can sign a title transfer that has to be co-signed by the other people on the Title. http://www.isc.ca/
-- [FULL NAMES & CERTIFICATE NUMBERS]
With the assistance of Property Management, I have prepared for a package that all we all have to sign. It needs to be taken to 1301 1st Ave, between Broad and Winnipeg. There are some pages that we need to have signed and witnessed by a Notary Public/Commissioner/Jurat. I would have done this on my own if it was only me who had to sign the papers. I have copies of everything.
Land Registry Packet Cover Page
Application for Transfer (Part II)
Transfer Authorization (Two Individuals Signing)
Titles Affidavit of Value (2 copies; 1 for land, one for minerals)
Affidavit of Identity for Individual Change of Name (stamped by a Commissioner)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to the City of Regina website... http://www2.regina.ca/search/index.htm (click on Property Search>>1. Street Address/Account Number >> type in 1137 // Edward St >> Search
If you look at the above link you will find that this was what the house assessments were in 2002 & 2008 -- Fair Value: $67,500/Assessed Value: $47,200; there appears to be no change to this value as of 2008.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 777-7233: Property Taxes for the house this year: paid Jun 2nd/08 were $1,673.92
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spoke to a Financial Advisor (Ryan Stephenson) who advised us that what you are doing is probably tax evasion. I was told that we (Dad, you and I) all own 1/3rd of the property. This means, technically, whatever the house is sold for, we would be entitled to a 1/3rd of the house. Apparently, because you have been paying for repairs, you feel that you are owed some of the money that would be owed to us. However we have been living in the house for about 5 years and have been paying $100-$700 (you have been paying for our Energy bill), plus before I was married I lived here on my own and made payments of $400 or more per month before and while I was attending university. Of course there is no record of this because it was all paid in cash. We would rather not have any of the money associated with this house.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An accountant advised us that if you are found out by Revenue Canada that we would also be affected as my name is on the Land Title. This could ruin us both financially. In fact we could even be arrested and put in jail for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Realtor: Assessed the market value on this house Sun Aug 24th. Because it only has 1 bathroom and 1 bedroom (and especially because the bathroom isn’t upstairs next to the bedroom), he feels it would be reasonable to start selling this house at $195,000 and if there were no offers after three weeks bring it down some more. He saw that the braces on the basement were done (he said there should be an engineering permit/paperwork on it, but if not an engineer would need to inspect it), the electrical would have to run on their own breakers/fuses instead of having two or more lines on the same fuse, and there was new water/sewer, the area is really, really nice except perhaps for the traffic noise. He gave us a list of similar type houses with similar square footage and they run from $79,900 (1 bedroom/2 bathroom & farther out from the core of the Cathedral area) up to $289,900 (for a house closer to the core of Cath Area & 3 bdrm/2 bthrm).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to Scotia Bank, I do not appear on the mortgage of this house as they cannot find any information on me. I was advised that if my name did not appear on the account, because of the privacy laws, it would be better if my parents called in to request information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lawyer: (as yet to have arranged an appointment).
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street We will sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We do want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house title;
or
B) to have you provide a signed letter that states David and I will not be held responsible for or charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you will be responsible for any income tax if we are charged for it on the grounds that we were inadequately informed of the nature of the financial risks involved when I agreed to let you use my name on the title. Additionally, if we are charged for the Capital Gains on the house, we will be reimbursed with whatever money is available from the sale on the house.
I don't like my name being on the title of the house. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday Aug 12 was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for 'rent' every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned. As you have told me, on more than one occasion, this is the case with our payments (which we have been calling 'rent'), as well as other rent you have been collecting from other rental properties over a period of years. This concerns me as to whether I have been involved in a transaction that is possibly illegal, but at best seems unethical. I am reminded my brother was coerced into writing a letter to the Government taking blame for your actions in a similar situation, and I do not want to end up in a similar position or worse.
I also do not like being in the position where you feel it is appropriate as our landlady or my mother to tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for you before we move out. I do appreciate that you mentioned on your last voicemail Fri Aug 15th, that you changed your mind on both these points. However I would rather send this message as it explains my thoughts in their entirety. I know even before sitting down and looking at the paperwork that I am steadfast and stalwart about not wanting involvement in the title of the house.
Our position still stands: If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us. We have not been living here for free, so I think that should remove any family obligation, and necessary repairs have not been made when appropriate, so I think that should remove any tenant obligation. There have also been times when, once repairs were done, they were either done without permits or done improperly, as in the case with the electrical and recurring mold in the house. It is clear this house is in no way my property in your mind, therefore I should not incur any responsibility for it, nor benefit from its sale. Additionally the payments I've been making to you (that we have been referring to as 'rent') as well as the payments you have been receiving from other tenants while I wasn’t living there, go towards the repairs and income tax/property taxes.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One, there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust. These are not acceptable health risks anymore, and never should have been acceptable to us or you.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant has been neglected in a way it would not have been if I was not your daughter, and I do not understand why you would pay less attention, not more, to these issues. For instance, it took over a year for you to fix the porch and the bathroom. If I was not your daughter, I would have been able to take these issues to the Rentalsman or simply move out. Because I have allergies and asthma, I should only have had to bring it up once, and you, both aware of and concerned about my health, would have understood it was necessary to address this issue quickly. I was and am perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed that it was only when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally took action. After that, I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you would respond the same way. I do not understand why you did not act on this for so long and I find this increasingly difficult to ignore. And then when I did not report minor repairs, I was chastised and told to repair them myself. Even though a landlord is supposed to pay for repairs, I did not ask for reimbursement in the interests of keeping the peace. But perhaps that is because in some cases, it is in your mind that I do own the house in part, so I should pay for the repairs. This inconsistency is another reason I would like to live independently.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship may improve. I don’t know how that will happen without significant changes in the way we communicate and understand each other. I know I need to be more assertive, but I also feel you need to be more attentive to my needs and less concerned about this real estate transaction. I feel angry and hurt and manipulated.
For your convenience, I have provided research from a number of resources in regards to value of the house and various angles of expertise about the situation David and I are currently in. I would appreciate a thought-out reply to this letter when it is convenient for you.
-Holly
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The additional information we have collected from various resources & expertise:
Updated Aug 19, 2008
798-0641: Property Management: Sk Gov’t Land Registry -- I can sign an Affidavit of Identity because my name still shows as my maiden name on the Title, and I can sign a title transfer that has to be co-signed by the other people on the Title. http://www.isc.ca/
-- [FULL NAMES & CERTIFICATE NUMBERS]
With the assistance of Property Management, I have prepared for a package that all we all have to sign. It needs to be taken to 1301 1st Ave, between Broad and Winnipeg. There are some pages that we need to have signed and witnessed by a Notary Public/Commissioner/Jurat. I would have done this on my own if it was only me who had to sign the papers. I have copies of everything.
Land Registry Packet Cover Page
Application for Transfer (Part II)
Transfer Authorization (Two Individuals Signing)
Titles Affidavit of Value (2 copies; 1 for land, one for minerals)
Affidavit of Identity for Individual Change of Name (stamped by a Commissioner)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to the City of Regina website... http://www2.regina.ca/search/index.htm (click on Property Search>>1. Street Address/Account Number >> type in 1137 // Edward St >> Search
If you look at the above link you will find that this was what the house assessments were in 2002 & 2008 -- Fair Value: $67,500/Assessed Value: $47,200; there appears to be no change to this value as of 2008.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 777-7233: Property Taxes for the house this year: paid Jun 2nd/08 were $1,673.92
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Spoke to a Financial Advisor (Ryan Stephenson) who advised us that what you are doing is probably tax evasion. I was told that we (Dad, you and I) all own 1/3rd of the property. This means, technically, whatever the house is sold for, we would be entitled to a 1/3rd of the house. Apparently, because you have been paying for repairs, you feel that you are owed some of the money that would be owed to us. However we have been living in the house for about 5 years and have been paying $100-$700 (you have been paying for our Energy bill), plus before I was married I lived here on my own and made payments of $400 or more per month before and while I was attending university. Of course there is no record of this because it was all paid in cash. We would rather not have any of the money associated with this house.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An accountant advised us that if you are found out by Revenue Canada that we would also be affected as my name is on the Land Title. This could ruin us both financially. In fact we could even be arrested and put in jail for this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Realtor: Assessed the market value on this house Sun Aug 24th. Because it only has 1 bathroom and 1 bedroom (and especially because the bathroom isn’t upstairs next to the bedroom), he feels it would be reasonable to start selling this house at $195,000 and if there were no offers after three weeks bring it down some more. He saw that the braces on the basement were done (he said there should be an engineering permit/paperwork on it, but if not an engineer would need to inspect it), the electrical would have to run on their own breakers/fuses instead of having two or more lines on the same fuse, and there was new water/sewer, the area is really, really nice except perhaps for the traffic noise. He gave us a list of similar type houses with similar square footage and they run from $79,900 (1 bedroom/2 bathroom & farther out from the core of the Cathedral area) up to $289,900 (for a house closer to the core of Cath Area & 3 bdrm/2 bthrm).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ According to Scotia Bank, I do not appear on the mortgage of this house as they cannot find any information on me. I was advised that if my name did not appear on the account, because of the privacy laws, it would be better if my parents called in to request information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lawyer: (as yet to have arranged an appointment).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
As it was I never did actually send this to my parents. I sure wanted to, but it wouldn't have done me any good. lol
Friday, August 15, 2008
Mommy Is Psycho
Sent this to several close friends in an email?
I'm doing better now. Been having some childhood memories, my therapist says they were flashbacks. But I'm feeling so much better now as it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
However...
On Tues I had a helluva day: I had a migraine and a retarded day on the phones.... And then.... My mind was going to turn to goo. I got a totally fucked up call from mom... She says that if I move out of the house (as we are planning to move when we find a house to buy, but we haven't yet), then income tax on the house will raise for us for 30% - but we never pay income taxes, she does. She said that it would benefit David and I if we stayed in this house until we moved out so that income tax didn’t rise 30%. She went on to say that if we did sell before moving out that we would somehow benefit from the money involved.Apparently if we stay we will get some of this money. And we can gift some of the money back to her then it LOOKS like we got the money and gave her back some…?? But it sounds like a really crappy attempt at a bribe to keep us from moving out when we bloody well want to.I asked her at this point, didn’t I sign papers to take my name off the house? She said no, what I signed was if I died she and dad would get the house. And then she said she wasn’t entirely sure, so she was going to check with the ‘tax people’ about the whole thing.But in the meantime we’d need to consider moving some of our furniture into the basement, to make our house look more spacious so people coming to see the house will be more likely to buy it.I said at this point, please find out about the taxes first, and then we’ll go on to the next step.This is, of course, planned by her just before they go on vacation to BC.I had a meeting with my therapist on Wed, thank gosh he squeezed me in. Which is why I'm feeling better about it.If I didn't laugh hysterically I'd cry hysterically.
lol I was wondering what you thought of this email that I am planning to send to mom &dad in a week or two.
Do you think it is respectful?
Does it come across as ungrateful or vindictive/threatening?
Do you think there is anything I should add or remove to make it a better email?
-Holly-
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will even sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house;
or
B) to have you and dad sign a contract that states David and I will not be charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you both will be responsible for the income tax if we are charged for it.
My name is on the house and I don't like being on the title. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for rent every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned.
On the other hand, we do not like being in the position that someone can tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for the person we are giving rent to for us to move out. If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One is that there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant and daughter has been abused. For instance, even though it took you over a year to fix the porch and the bathroom, your own daughter, who has allergies and asthma, didn't complain to the Rentalsman. I was perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you, my own mother, did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed interesting to me that it was the time when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally decided to take action. After that I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you wouldn't listen to me or wouldn't care anyway.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship will improve, because then I won't feel hostage to being somewhere between a dutiful daughter, who is expected to be obedient and respectful to my mother, and a tenant who pays rent, who if I wasn't your daughter, would have reported health issues and possibly revenue information long ago.
Thank you for reading this over carefully.
-Holly Freeman-
I'm doing better now. Been having some childhood memories, my therapist says they were flashbacks. But I'm feeling so much better now as it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
However...
On Tues I had a helluva day: I had a migraine and a retarded day on the phones.... And then.... My mind was going to turn to goo. I got a totally fucked up call from mom... She says that if I move out of the house (as we are planning to move when we find a house to buy, but we haven't yet), then income tax on the house will raise for us for 30% - but we never pay income taxes, she does. She said that it would benefit David and I if we stayed in this house until we moved out so that income tax didn’t rise 30%. She went on to say that if we did sell before moving out that we would somehow benefit from the money involved.Apparently if we stay we will get some of this money. And we can gift some of the money back to her then it LOOKS like we got the money and gave her back some…?? But it sounds like a really crappy attempt at a bribe to keep us from moving out when we bloody well want to.I asked her at this point, didn’t I sign papers to take my name off the house? She said no, what I signed was if I died she and dad would get the house. And then she said she wasn’t entirely sure, so she was going to check with the ‘tax people’ about the whole thing.But in the meantime we’d need to consider moving some of our furniture into the basement, to make our house look more spacious so people coming to see the house will be more likely to buy it.I said at this point, please find out about the taxes first, and then we’ll go on to the next step.This is, of course, planned by her just before they go on vacation to BC.I had a meeting with my therapist on Wed, thank gosh he squeezed me in. Which is why I'm feeling better about it.If I didn't laugh hysterically I'd cry hysterically.
lol I was wondering what you thought of this email that I am planning to send to mom &dad in a week or two.
Do you think it is respectful?
Does it come across as ungrateful or vindictive/threatening?
Do you think there is anything I should add or remove to make it a better email?
-Holly-
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear mom and dad,
As per our conversation on Tuesday, Aug 12, 2008;
David and I both agree that we do not wish to have any money acquired from the sale of this house on 2237 Edward Street. We will even sign a contract with you stating this if you like.
We want one of two things to happen:
A) to take my name off the house;
or
B) to have you and dad sign a contract that states David and I will not be charged for income tax, fees or anything related to the house, for moving out if we buy another house; and that you both will be responsible for the income tax if we are charged for it.
My name is on the house and I don't like being on the title. When I was signing that contract (which you told me on Tuesday was for if I passed away the house would go to you and dad), I thought it was to remove my name off the house. We have been paying you cash for rent every month, which I assume is so that you don't have to report the income earned.
On the other hand, we do not like being in the position that someone can tell us we have to move our furniture to the basement or wait until it is convenient for the person we are giving rent to for us to move out. If we find a house we want to move into, we want to move out when it is convenient for us.
There are several health reasons I wish to get out of the house. One is that there is black mold which is consistently covered up when it comes through the walls or ceiling, but is never thoroughly removed (so it grows back). Another is the unfinished basement below is hard to keep clean and free of mildew and dust.
The main reason we want to move out of the house, however, is because of our relationship. I feel like there have been several times where my relationship to you as a tenant and daughter has been abused. For instance, even though it took you over a year to fix the porch and the bathroom, your own daughter, who has allergies and asthma, didn't complain to the Rentalsman. I was perplexed that even though I brought it up several times, you, my own mother, did not immediately fix at least the bathroom which was full of black mold and used daily. The porch also had mold in it and was falling down. It seemed interesting to me that it was the time when Joline was coming down to visit that you finally decided to take action. After that I was reluctant to report even minor issues because I figured you wouldn't listen to me or wouldn't care anyway.
When David and I move out, I hope our relationship will improve, because then I won't feel hostage to being somewhere between a dutiful daughter, who is expected to be obedient and respectful to my mother, and a tenant who pays rent, who if I wasn't your daughter, would have reported health issues and possibly revenue information long ago.
Thank you for reading this over carefully.
-Holly Freeman-
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Suffocation
Aug 9, 2008: SUFFOCATION; Canvas & Acrylic (24X18")
This (painting) just turned out to be how I was feeling. I felt driven to do it. I wanted to portray the soul of a little girl, a shadow crushing her soul's heart. She feels she cannot speak (for fear of what will happen to her, mostly), and this causes her to feel suffocated. I felt this portrayed well the issue of my mother's interference and the issue of my cousin's sexual predation on me.
----------------------------
Update after Wednesday Aug 13, 2008...
I had to write a confession of sorts, because it was too difficult to tell him verbally what had happened to me and what I thought had happened to me and what I had done to someone else when I was around 7 yrs old.
After he had read this information, T looked me in the eye said there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that I had not done wrong. Several times he reassured me that I had done nothing wrong.
Considering the fact that we had both been interested in doing the same thing, and were curious, and with the limited information we had we didn't really know what we were doing.
I had a good cry, because I was quite relieved.
------------------------- PS: T had thought perhaps my asthma was psychosomatic... I don't think so. My father smoked for years and I was always coughing coughing coughing and our physician did say I had it.
Speaking of psychosomatic symptoms (referring to the session last Wed), if anything was, I would suspect it would be my thyroid. Both Robin & I have thyroid issues, and if you know a bit about Chakras, the throat chakra symbolizes truth and voice. It wants to be heard. In the phsyiological sense of things, our tissues were/are being attacked by our own immune systems. How symbolic is that of inner turmoil? But since I've been talking with you, my symptoms have lessened and now I'm back on keeping levels up with meds (because you might recall I had my thyroid destroyed with radioactive iodine so 'normal' now would be hypo instead of hyper). lol Even Robin even mentioned that to me, but I had already mentioned it on my private blog ages ago (I've got all sorts of uneducated theories about things on there). I realize how much I really really missed him now that he's come for a visit.
'The throat chakra, Vishuddha, is said to be related to communication and growth, growth being a form of expression. This chakra is paralleled to the thyroid, a gland that is also in the throat, and which produces thyroid hormone, responsible for growth and maturation. ' http://www.crystalinks.com/chakras.html
'This chakra controls the throat and the neck, and the arms and the hands. It is associated with the brachial or cervical plexus.
Endocrine Gland: Thyroid Gland
Consciousness: The aspects of expressing and receiving. Expressing can be in the form of communicating what one wants and what one feels, or it can be an artistic expression, as an artist painting, a dancer dancing, a musician playing music, using a form for expressing and bringing to the outside what was within. Expressing is related to receiving, as in "Ask, and ye shall receive." ' http://www.healer.ch/throatchakra.html
Sunday, August 10, 2008
New Paintings
Aug 8 2008: I made a triptych out of the original 'Lupus Eclipse.' Now I call it 'LUPUS ECLIPSE: NIGHT OF THE WOLVES'
I am starting to wonder if the wolf in the middle is me: I am shadow and light. Those two become one. The other two wolves, I am not sure. The one on the left howls... Is it an alarm? Is it hoping for an answer? Is it to lure? I call this painting, 'Siren.' It seems to symbolize my mother. The one on the right is a bit more sinister. It looks away, into the distance - is it looking intently at its next target? I called it 'Counting Sheep' because it looks like it is ready to hunt.
Jul 31st 2008: EARTH AND SKY; Gesso, Acrylic, Canvas (11X16")
The red (earth) grows into the blue (sky): the sky seeps down into the earth. Emotional Stasis, each seeks the other to gain balance for itself or The Self as a whole.
Aug 9, 2008: SUFFOCATION; Canvas & Acrylic (24X18")
This is simply how I feel sometimes. Or perhaps is an indication of how I felt. My soul was smothered. I was too afraid to speak, so I smothered myself in my own guilt and repression. Something felt as though it was squeezing my heart, like my heart lay in someone's fist. My spiritual struggle manifested some physical symptoms: panic.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Good Times and Bad Dreams on a Long Weekend in August
My brother R and sister-in-law G came down for a visit!
I was nearly ecstatic!
David and I haven't had a chance to see them in a couple of years!
It was a good weekend. We had fun watching the Riders win against Calgary. We had hotdogs and a shrimp ring and pop. G helped me cook the dogs. We talked and sat together.
My brother also came over for a few hours on Sunday. I told him the reason I felt so close to him was because we two are the only two who really seem sane in this family. R made a good point: my brother C and mother both are only their thoughts, they don't think about or analyse the source of their thoughts. And dad is hard to pinpoint... He doesn't seem to think at all on his own, or if he does, his thoughts (as J, David's mom, once pointed out) aren't his own. They are my mom's.
For my mother's & father's sanity, we had planned to keep this all on the QT. However C somehow got the impression that R was coming to visit mother and father as well. So now mother can stew about it, and has thought up several reasons why they didn't visit mom & dad... Primarily that it's somehow G's fault.
It all started out fairly quiet, although my mother, sounding high or something, called around 10 am singing a Christmas Carol on the answering machine.
Then sometime between then and when R&G arrived, C called and asked mom if she had heard anything from R.
C told us later that Mom said no, but she wanted C to have a good time with R.
So apparently C wasn't supposed to tell us that he had told mom. At least, according to mom. So then she was even more angry/hurt because she found out from David and I that C had told R & G that she knew he was there.
Mom seems to think that this gives R & G some sort of plus that they can feel good that mom and dad knew that they were in town and didn't visit with them.
She kept asking me if C told us that SHE told him to have a good time? Did C tell R & G that SHE (mom) told him to say she SAID to have a good time?
*sigh*
Mom pointed out that a couple of years ago, R had told her that it took him 2 weeks to help heal G after interacting with mom. Mother doesn't seem to focus much on the fact that she wrecked G's sanity for a couple of weeks. Instead she accuses G of manipulating R by driving him crazy for two weeks after visiting with mom & dad. She completely misses the point that G was driven crazy by her.
I find it ironic that mom says she hopes someday that R gets a spine and comes for a visit. In actuality it seems like MOM is being driven crazy by G and R and it's going to take DAD 2 weeks to heal HER. Dad is the one without the spine.
I also find it almost funny that mom is now even more perturbed that we all knew that she knew. It was fine if she didn't know, it was fine if she knew, but it wasn't fine if she knew and we knew it??
---------------------
Nightmare:
Somehow my brother C and I were sharing a bed (as though we used to when we were children). I had some kind of pet or animal like a wolf pup or harmless animal, but it was squirming a bit.
C kept fretting that it was keeping him awake and that we wouldn't get enough sleep; some kind of anxiety was causing him to keep me awake.
I finally left.
The dream shifted and I found all of us together in the same bedroom.
A woman was in bed, watching us with great interest, but not really seeming interested in assisting us. Instead she wrote down her observations in a notebook and occasionally caught my eye. I would frequently see expressions of surprise, or intense interest. A raised eyebrow when someone said a certain something; or if volume raised louder in the argument. I caught her eye a couple of times, and tried to explain something, but she was more interested in observing the behaviours of everyone in the room.
G and R were part of the discussion, but I don't think they were actually there. C and mom were yelling at each other. Dad was muttering and throwing up his arms, but for the most part staying in the corner wishing he didn't have to be there.
I once in a while would try to say something. I would occasionally get one person to calm down or be quiet, but then the other who was arguing would start the ruckus up again. At one point I even grabbed hold of my mother's collar of her shirt and begged her in a hoarse whisper to be quiet and listen. But then C started up again, or dad, so I would have to go to them. I remember breathing very shallow, gritting my teeth and being very tense about the face, neck and arms. Like old times!
At one point I woke up gasping for air. As I fell back to sleep I dreamt I sat down beside David and whispered to him/muttered to him; 'Well, might as well sit back and watch the show, too...'
I was nearly ecstatic!
David and I haven't had a chance to see them in a couple of years!
It was a good weekend. We had fun watching the Riders win against Calgary. We had hotdogs and a shrimp ring and pop. G helped me cook the dogs. We talked and sat together.
My brother also came over for a few hours on Sunday. I told him the reason I felt so close to him was because we two are the only two who really seem sane in this family. R made a good point: my brother C and mother both are only their thoughts, they don't think about or analyse the source of their thoughts. And dad is hard to pinpoint... He doesn't seem to think at all on his own, or if he does, his thoughts (as J, David's mom, once pointed out) aren't his own. They are my mom's.
For my mother's & father's sanity, we had planned to keep this all on the QT. However C somehow got the impression that R was coming to visit mother and father as well. So now mother can stew about it, and has thought up several reasons why they didn't visit mom & dad... Primarily that it's somehow G's fault.
It all started out fairly quiet, although my mother, sounding high or something, called around 10 am singing a Christmas Carol on the answering machine.
Then sometime between then and when R&G arrived, C called and asked mom if she had heard anything from R.
C told us later that Mom said no, but she wanted C to have a good time with R.
So apparently C wasn't supposed to tell us that he had told mom. At least, according to mom. So then she was even more angry/hurt because she found out from David and I that C had told R & G that she knew he was there.
Mom seems to think that this gives R & G some sort of plus that they can feel good that mom and dad knew that they were in town and didn't visit with them.
She kept asking me if C told us that SHE told him to have a good time? Did C tell R & G that SHE (mom) told him to say she SAID to have a good time?
*sigh*
Mom pointed out that a couple of years ago, R had told her that it took him 2 weeks to help heal G after interacting with mom. Mother doesn't seem to focus much on the fact that she wrecked G's sanity for a couple of weeks. Instead she accuses G of manipulating R by driving him crazy for two weeks after visiting with mom & dad. She completely misses the point that G was driven crazy by her.
I find it ironic that mom says she hopes someday that R gets a spine and comes for a visit. In actuality it seems like MOM is being driven crazy by G and R and it's going to take DAD 2 weeks to heal HER. Dad is the one without the spine.
I also find it almost funny that mom is now even more perturbed that we all knew that she knew. It was fine if she didn't know, it was fine if she knew, but it wasn't fine if she knew and we knew it??
---------------------
Nightmare:
Somehow my brother C and I were sharing a bed (as though we used to when we were children). I had some kind of pet or animal like a wolf pup or harmless animal, but it was squirming a bit.
C kept fretting that it was keeping him awake and that we wouldn't get enough sleep; some kind of anxiety was causing him to keep me awake.
I finally left.
The dream shifted and I found all of us together in the same bedroom.
A woman was in bed, watching us with great interest, but not really seeming interested in assisting us. Instead she wrote down her observations in a notebook and occasionally caught my eye. I would frequently see expressions of surprise, or intense interest. A raised eyebrow when someone said a certain something; or if volume raised louder in the argument. I caught her eye a couple of times, and tried to explain something, but she was more interested in observing the behaviours of everyone in the room.
G and R were part of the discussion, but I don't think they were actually there. C and mom were yelling at each other. Dad was muttering and throwing up his arms, but for the most part staying in the corner wishing he didn't have to be there.
I once in a while would try to say something. I would occasionally get one person to calm down or be quiet, but then the other who was arguing would start the ruckus up again. At one point I even grabbed hold of my mother's collar of her shirt and begged her in a hoarse whisper to be quiet and listen. But then C started up again, or dad, so I would have to go to them. I remember breathing very shallow, gritting my teeth and being very tense about the face, neck and arms. Like old times!
At one point I woke up gasping for air. As I fell back to sleep I dreamt I sat down beside David and whispered to him/muttered to him; 'Well, might as well sit back and watch the show, too...'
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